this girl's life

Frank

2012-02-18T14:48:00.000-08:00

My former social worker at the University of Iowa Hospitals eating disorders program partial hospital program. This man has said some truly awful things to me and about me. But of course he was this Big Time Social Worker at a Big Time University Hospital and I was just a lowly eating disorder patient (and we ED patients all lie and manipulate, don't you know), so nobody took my complaints about him seriously.
Now the whole world knows the Frank that I knew.

http://www.kcrg.com/news/local/UIHC-Social-Worker-Fired-After-Guilty-Plea-133816798.html

s.o.s.

2012-02-15T15:11:00.000-08:00

well, here is the situation:

I have purged 5 times this week. Boo.

Prior to this, I don't remember the last time I purged. Possibly, I have only purged maybe twice in the last 12 months (before this).

I am reeling a bit, just trying to figure out what is going on. I thought I was "recovered"; is this a relapse? Is it too soon to say? I will tell you this: I have NOT missed puking! It sucks big time. My sinuses are all messed up, my throat hurts, and I have a perma-headache. Not cool.

My body image had been really bad lately. But it has been really bad before without me resorting to behaviors. I might just be at my limit though, as my weight is higher than it has ever been in my adult life (except pregnancy). I am even over my UIHC target weight. Only a smidge over, but considering that the UIHC sets my target higher than any other treatment center I have been in, that is really saying something.
I am also wondering if being off my meds has something to do with it. Specifically the Lexapro. I remember one time when I started Lexapro, I had been purging every day, several times a day, and as soon as I started the Lexapro I stopped. The compulsion to vomit just stopped. Ok, so it only lasted a few days...but that was when I wasn't ready to give up my ED anyways. Maybe the Lexapro, combined with my desire to be in recovery, has been making more of a difference than I thought.

I don't know. I haven't thrown up yet today, so keep your fingers crossed for me. I have therapy tomorrow and I am sure we will discuss this. I am sure it is a combination of things: stress, depression, body image, anxiety. I just hope I can nip this thing in the bud. I was reading back to some of my blog posts from 2008/2009 and I do NOT want to be in that place ever again

weekend with my NAMI peeps

2012-02-09T18:58:00.000-08:00

This weekend I am going to Des Moines to recieve training to chair NAMI Connections meetings. This is something that I applied to do about a year ago, and just a few weeks ago someone called and asked if I was still interested. At first I wasnt sure if I could get the dates off (it is three days) but then things at my job started to go south and I put my two weeks notice in. Today was supposed to be my last day at work, but I was asked by my boss if I would like to stay on, and I decided to give it another shot. I think I will only work part time though. Going straight to full time was a bit much for me. And working as much as I was, I wasn't able to schedule therapy appointments (I have been to see my therapist ONCE since I started my job in November), and I haven't been able to be as involved with NAMI as I want to be. I know it sounds cheesey, but I need to be able to spend some time with my peers. It is important for me to have a place to go where I can just be myself. That's what NAMI is for me. I didn't realise how much I have missed my NAMI peeps until I stopped in to say "hi" a few weeks ago. I am really excited that I am still going to be able to work, but that my schedule will be lighter so I will be able to do the things I need to do to take care of myself.

Speaking of which, did I totally just miss National Eating Disorders Awareness Week? I had alot of drama going on this week and sort of forgot to stick my head out of my own little misery hole to see what was going on in the world. How did I miss NEDAW??? I know that there was stuff going on on campus. They usually get a good speaker...last year Jenni Schaefer came and she was amazing. I think another well known author was coming this year but I am not sure. I hate it when I get so busy that I space something like that that is really important to me.

There is just so much that I want to do. I want to start going back to that ED support group that I told that lady I would help out with and then sort of just never showed up (boo lisa). I want to be more active in my local NAMI, beyond even doing the Connections group. They always need people to help on committees, like fund raising or event organizing and stuff like that. I want to work....a little....mostly because I need money. I want to organize my house and learn to sew and grow a fantastic garden and take my kids on camping trips and be a great mom. There is just so much stuff I want to do, and then there is the everyday stuff I have to do. How does one know where to begin???

Well this post was sort of all over the place. Mostly I just wanted to share about my NAMI training this weekend. I am excited to meet new people from different NAMI chapters, and I think that just getting away (I am staying at the conference center) and focusing on doing something for me, that I want to do, is just what I need right now (even if that sounds a bit selfish).

BTW typing this has been awful, because last time I used the computer I was eating nuts (the kind you have to crack first) and now there are bits of shells under certain keys and they wont go down all the way, so I have to keep going back and fixing words that are missing letters. That'l teach me!

fight night

2012-02-07T17:32:00.000-08:00

Chris and I got in a huge fight last night. A really bad one. I cried so hard I though I was going to puke. I woke up this morning with a "crying hangover". You know, when you have a huge headache and your eyes hurt and you feel like someone punched you in the stomach like a billion times.

The flipside of being in love with someone is that they have the power to hurt you.....way worse than like a friend or aquiantance. And you can hurt them too....really badly.

Sometimes love sucks.

The stupid things is, our fights always start over something small. Like, so insignifigant, it's almost funny. But sometimes little things can be symbolic for big things. Last night it was "I'm not good enough to ask for help, I don't deserve unconditional love and caring, I am worthless", which is a HUGE distorted thought that I have. I know it is distorted, but it is a hard one for me to kick (been with me since childhood), and it seems to pop up in my relationship with Chris alot. Sometimes I feel bad for Chris as he has to deal with alot of my baggage.

Someday, Chris will be able to ask me to make him a sandwich, and I will say "ok", or I will say "no, I am tired, I don't want to", and it will just be about the sandwich. That would be fa-reaking awesome.

Update Part 1: psych meds

2012-02-05T07:07:00.000-08:00

Hey there! Well I think that the day that I wrote that last blog post probably was the worst for the med withdrawals. I have been feeling better since then. In fact, for about the past two weeks I have been feeling just fine and dandy. The physical discontinuation symptoms are gone and emotionaly I dont feel much different than I did when I was on the meds. The only thing I have really noticed is that I have been getting frustrated a bit more easily. Like, if I am looking for something and I cant find it I skip "annoyed" and go straight to "hot burning rage", but I am aware of it and just breathe deeply and chill myself out and so its manageable.
I do feel I have more energy and I also have not felt as "foggy headed", if that makes any sense. I did see Dr. Steenblock and he said that he wishes me the best, but that he thinks that my depression and anxiety will come back and I will have to go back on the meds. He is leaving my file open for a few months so I can get an appointment quickly if I need one. I totally agree that if I do get really depressed or anxious enough to interfere with my functioning, I will take the meds again. I am NOT anti-psych med.

And here is something I must say: I do not, DO NOT recommend going off meds "cold turkey", like I did. It was stupid, stupid, stupid. It's always better to taper, WITH your doctor's supervision. I just feel I had to say that. This is my disclaimer, if you will. I would feel terrible if someone read this and thought "hey This Girl did it and she turned out fine so I think I will just go off my meds too!". But seriously, anyone reading this blog should know that:

#1. I am not qualified to give out any sort of medical advice

and

#2. I am not trying to be a role model

This blog is a personal journal and a way to connect with others who struggle with eating disorders/mental health/life. That's about it. Oh, except that I also use it to brag on my awesome kids from time to time.

up next:
Update Part 2: work situation

so stay tuned to read all about THAT hot mess........

well i did it

2012-01-13T17:27:00.000-08:00

I went of my meds (wellbutrin 300mgs, lexapro 30mgs, buspar 30mgs bid) cold turkey about a week ago. It has been rough and today has been by far the worst. I have been experiencing a colorful array of discontinuation symptoms, including (but not limited to) nausea, sweating, cramping, loose stools, brain zaps, dizzyness, confusion, chills, vertigo, vision disturbances, and ringing in the ears (more like the sound of a deafening waterfall invading my brain every time I move my head too quickly). Emotionally I think I am doing ok. I haven't gotten super depressed or anything, but I have been a bit weepy, although I could attribute that to the fact that my period is due any day now. The physical sensations have been wreaking havoc with my health anxiety, though. I seriously feel like I am dying of about seven horrible diseases right now. Still, I have come this far. It can't go on much longer, right?

I haven't posted in so long. I wonder if anyone out there still reads this thing? My Christmas was ok. I have just been working alot and very tired and a bit overwhelmed. I am particularly concerned about the upcoming week as I worked yesterday, today, and will work every day until next friday. For those of you not into doing the math, that is 8 days straight. I think I need to pull my boss aside and politely request to not be scheduled for more that 5 days in a row. I mean, I am proud of myself that I am now capable of working and I think that it is really great and all, but I am not freaking superwoman, you know!

I see Dr. Steenblock on feb 3rd and I am not looking forward to telling him that I quit taking my meds. I wonder what he will say. Is there even a point in seeing a psychiatrist if you are not going to take any meds?

I DID finally call my therapist to make an appointment. I have been so busy with work and Christmas that I havent seen her since mid november. I could really stand some therapyright about now.

Ok I have more to say but to be honest the tyoing isnt going very well at the moment. Hope you are all having a good 2012 so far!

explaining the whole med thing

2011-11-12T20:13:00.000-08:00

Ok so I feel I need to explain the reason I frequently consider discontinuing my meds. It is not because I am feeling so good now that I don't think I need them (which is a common reason that psych patients go off their meds, deteriorate, end up in crisis, and have to be re-stabalized). This is what my psychiatrist suspected was going on and I had to set him straight on that. I also don't feel weak or look down on myself for taking medication. Dood, if you need medication, you need it, be it psych, heart, allergy, pain, whatever. I don't judge myself or anybody else on that.

Ok, so here is MY deal. I have been taking psych meds since I was around fourteen years old. I have taken ALOT of psych meds. Imipramine, anafranil, prozac, paxil, zoloft, luvox, remeron, serzone, trazodone, celexa, lexapro, effexor, pristiq, cymbalta, wellbutrin, topamax, lamictal, lithium, methylphenidate (yes, Dr. Sean put me on SPEED for my depression). Thats just for depression. For anxiety I have been on risperdal, seroquel, haldol, thorazine, neurontin, buspar (worthless), clonopin, ativan, valium, and Xanax (holla!). So with all of these different meds through the years, I should have been doing great, right?

Not quite the case. Since I was 14 I have been hospitalized in a psych ward 21 times. I was committed 3 times to a long term care facility/group home for adults with mental illness. Spent like a bazillion hours in various partial/day hopsital programs and iop's. I have even had electroconvulsive therapy (shock treatments) to try to lift the depression. I have been on mental health disability for the last 11 years.

So what I am trying to say is that, despite medications, I have been struggling with depression and anxiety that has been bad enough to disrupt my life and impair my functioning.

To be fair, there are some meds that have been beneficial. But it always seems to be a mixed bag. Seroquel works great at knocking out my anxiety, especially anxious and obsessive thoughts. Unfortunately, it also knocks out other thoughts that are harmless and generally leaves me zombified, which is not really compatible with parenting, working, proccessing in therapy, or playing cardgames *ahemNERTZahem*. Oh, and the antipsychotics make me gain a crapton of weight.
Lexapro is my best antidepressant and once started, it has a dramatic effect on my mood. The problem is that my body acclamates to the dose rather quickly, so that every few months or so it needs to be increased. Eventually I will top out. I think the highest FDA approved dose is 20mgs, and I am on 30 right now (but this is common). When I lived in Salt Lake I was on 40mgs for quite awhile, and when I was in Utah Neuropsychiatric Institiute the doctor there bumped me up to 60mgs, at which point I started to twitch. So then I have to get off it for awhile before I can start on it back on a lower dose again and that is frustrating.

Ok, I need to get back to my point, because I need to go to bed here soon. The point is, I have kind of a jaded view about psych meds, not in general, but in regards to the amount of relief I can expect from them. To put it another way: what's the freaking point? What is the point of taking these meds when I continue to feel like crap on the bottom of someone's shoe? Why should I take my freakin Buspar? I have been on it for like 2 years, and in that time there has only been a handful of days that I haven't freaked out, or had a panic attack, or had one of "those days" where I couldn't leave the house, or had to take frequent "mommy time outs" to keep from dissolving into hysterical tears every time my kids hugged me. Do you get what I am saying?

Not that I am one to gamble with my mental health, but I am betting that it couldn't be any worse off of meds than it has been for the past 19 years. And I AM still hopeful that they will come out with a new med that will be great for me (which is why I scrambled for the prisiq when it first came out, but it turned out to be a snoozer).

I DO like my trazodone, since I cant sleep without it. But the flipside of that is, I think the reason I can't sleep without it is because I have taken it to sleep since I was 16 and I don't think my body knows how to sleep on its own. So there is that.

Speaking of sleep, I have to get to sleep because I have to get up at a quarter to five in the effing morning. Why the H would I do that to myself? Well some of you already know this, but I HAS A JOB! I am employed! More about that later.

Oh, and I also have to blog about a stupid med mistake I had at the beginning of the week which resulted in a rather borring 1 day hospital stay (and a new Mary Greeley Medical Center insulated mug). SO I will try to blog more because I have alot to say and alot is going on.

Anyways, thanks for listening and congrats if you made it through this huge long post. Oh, and I am always up for advice on medications, alternative treatments (except yoga) and stuff like that. Sometimes I think that people who have lived it know more about what they are talking about than the professionals

oh well then

2011-11-04T12:11:00.000-07:00

I saw my psychiatrist this morning and told him I would like to discontinue all of my medications. Yeah, that went over like a turd in a punchbowl.

Whatever.

short update/ anxiety stuff

2011-11-02T13:53:00.000-07:00

I am sorry I didn't update sooner. I am fine, boobs and all. It turned out to be nothing. I hope I didn't make anybody worry.

I have been ok I guess. My anxiety has been sky high lately which is rough. It seems like I get hyper-sensitive to every physical sensation. Sounds, visual chaos (like too many things moving in my field of vision). Wind, hugs, brushing up against an object, pretty much anything, it all feels like an assault on my body and sends me into a panic. I can only tolerate the gentlest of hugs from my girls, and even then I have to mentally prepare myself.

When I had my ED it seemed like I lived completely in my head. I was always thinking about food, weight, calories, ect. It was almost like a state of constant disasociation from my physical self. I wonder if I used my ED in part to numb out physically and avoid all that anxiety and feelings of being "assaulted" by too much physical stimulus.

I am just confused about why I am this way. If I had been sexually abused, I could point to that and say "see, this is why". Why am I sent into a panic by little noises, sounds, movements, and sensations that most people dont even notice? Will it ever go away? Is there some treatment for this?

I got a callback!

2011-10-12T07:05:00.000-07:00

But not the good kind, like a callback on a job interview or an audition for a play or anything like that.

I have to go back for more imaging as the radiologist saw a pea-sized lump in my right breast. Ironically, I had the mammogram because of a lump in my left breast, which turned out to be nothing. But they want to ultrasound the right breast to get a better look at this other lump.

Well I was looking stuff up on the internet but for once I was reassured by what I found. I guess being called in for an ultrasound after a mammogram is common and only 10% of these cases result in the lump being cancerous. Usually it is just a cyst (grody!).

And you know I am not one to turn down medical testing, haha.

I was uspet that they couldn't get me in until next Tuesday. I dont want to wait that long; I want to know NOW! I called my Dr's nurse all upset about this but she made me feel alot better. She said that if they had a really strong suspicion that it was cancer they would have sent me to a surgeon for a biopsy right away. So I guess that's reassuring.

It's also Breast Cancer Awareness Month so I keep seeing all these public service messages and ads about breast cancer. It's getting annoying because I am trying NOT to think about it. Incedently, it is also Mental Illness Awareness Month, and guess how many public service messages I have seen on that topic? 0. Mmmmhmmmmm.......

BTW I am tired of saying (and typing) the word "breast". It grosses me out. I would rather call them "thingeys" or something like that. Any suggestions?

Edit: Ok, so Mental Health Awareness Month is actually in may. Mental Health Awareness Week is October 1-8, so my point still stands. So there!

boobs

2011-10-10T14:52:00.000-07:00

I had my first mammogram today. I must say that they did a *smashing* good job. Ouch!

i got your crazy

2011-10-05T11:38:00.000-07:00

"Last month I stayed up several nights watching youtube videos that convinced me that the world as we know it was about to end, so I bought 50 pounds of wheat and a shotgun."

-said by me to my psychiatrist at last week's appointment

DOH!

What about you guys? I'm sure some of you have some gems that you wished you had kept to yourself. Lets hear it.

hello all readers/followers!!!!!!!!!

2011-09-22T06:41:00.000-07:00

Hey there! I feel like I have been really out of touch in the blog world lately. It's true I haven't been posting much this summer. I have been struggling with writer's block/depression/apathy/whatever. Plus I have been busy with moving and school and the kids and stuff.

Anyways, I have noticed that I have been getting some new followers. Also, there are people who have been following for awhile that I haven't really "met". So I was wondering, if you read my blog but haven't introduced yourself yet, would you comment and tell me a bit about yourself? If you have a blog, you could share how and why you started blogging. If you struggle with an ED or mental illness you could write about that. Or you could just keep it light and share a few random facts ie: favorite color, hobby, movie, ect.

Oh and if I know you (Erin, Keeley, Cammy, Angela, Kris, and all you guys) you of course are welcome to share. Maybe you will meet some new blogger friends!

I know I don't always respond to comments but check back after you comment because I will try to respond to each comment I get (in the form of another comment).

my dad got the call

2011-09-16T09:51:00.000-07:00

http://chriss-wife.blogspot.com/2010/04/no-title.html

Well a year and a half later my dad is going to prison. He was "wait listed" because the prisons were full, but today he got the call. He has to report to begin serving his sentence this Sunday. He got 5 years, but can get out as early as 10 months from now if he behaves himself.

He is in Arkansas so I cant really go visit him.

I am sad. I will pray for my dad. I will worry. That's about all I can do.

The elephant in the room.....

2011-09-01T19:42:00.000-07:00

.....is me. At least it feels that way sometimes. Sigh.

Well on a more positive note, I passed both my state exams for nurse's aide certification with flying colors!!!! Woohoooo!

Wait, does this mean I have to get a job?

DANGITT!!

itch itch

2011-08-26T11:40:00.000-07:00

I cant stop itching. Right now it is just my palms and behind my knees and I am trying to keep my hands off, because if I start itching the whole area will be read and inflamed and I will get these huge welts. I just hope it doesnt get any worse today.

For the past 4 days I have been breaking out in hives. Usually they start on my knees, ankles, wrists, and the back of my neck. Then I get tham on my back, and anywhere I itch turns hot and the "itch marks" swell up and turn white, like big long hives. Yesterday my back was all red with white lines all over it. Chris said it looked like a sunburn, and when touched the skin felt hot there.

Ugh this is driving me crazy. Between the hives and being zonked out of benadryl I have not exactly been a joy to be around. I have an appointment for allergy testing on Wed, so after Sun I wont be able to take any benadryl. I will be an itchy, cranky basket case.

P.S. I really, really hate my body right now. Just can't freaking stand it. Can anyone give me some pointers for that (no diet tips, please), or maybe just a pep talk?

In which I go for a walk and am very nearly eaten by a mountain lion/wolf/coyote/beaver.

2011-08-16T19:45:00.000-07:00

Tonight I ate a meal at Perkins that I swear took a few years off my life. When we go home, I decided to do something healthy to make up for it, so I went for a walk to explore more of my new 'hood. We live in a sort of a sub-division that is on the edge of Ames. I like to walk in off-road, woodsy-type places, and I was delighted to come to a dead end which turned into a lane between a corn field and a creek surrounded by tall grass, with another field on the other side. There was a sign that said "bridge closed", and I could see about half mile down the lane a faint outline of an old bridge. I was psyched to go check it out. As I walked I noticed the beauty of the countryside. There were butterflies and grasshoppers flying around, tall grass was swaying in the breeze, and once I peeked over the grass at the creek, which was down a steep bank, and saw minnows swimming.
As I walked along I was listening to my headphones, but decided to turn off the music and enjoy the peaceful sounds of nature. It was as I was removing my headphones that I heard it: A low, menacing growl from the tall grass just ahead to my left. I froze, not quite sure if I had even heard it. But there it was again, coming from the grass by the creek bank. I couldn't move. I immediately thought back to my last minute decision to leave my cellphone at home. I had no way to defend myself, and no way to call for help. I realized I could be attacked and mauled by whatever was in the grass and no one would come to my rescue.
I had adrenaline coursing through my body and I wanted to run, but I was afraid that whatever was in the grass would take my flight as an invitation to chase me down. I backed slowly away, then turned and walked swiftly away down the lane. I heard the growling again, and fought the urge to run. As I got further along, I began to look back to see if anything was following me, but the lane was clear. I wondered if anything could be stalking me in the tall grass, but I could see no movement in the grass and thought it unlikely.
As I walked, my mind went back to a conservation exhibit that I had taken the girls to last winter. The conservationist had spent a lot of time talking about how wolves and mountain lions were making their way back into Iowa. Still, it seemed unlikely that I had encountered a mountain lion on the ouskirts of my neighborhood. I could hear traffic from an interstate, and a small engine plane was making it's way noisily throught the sky. Could I have heard a weird echo in the creek bank?
I was glad when I made it to the end of the lane and stepped shakily onto paved road. I was back in civilization; it seemed I was not going to be eaten afterall. As I made my way into the neighborhood, I ran into two women out walking their dogs. I asked them if they ever walked down that lane (they did), and I told them my harrowing tale. I asked them if they ever noticed weird echos in that area, and they said no. We wondered what I had heard in the grass. The ladies told me that there were coyotes out there that howled at night, but it was too early in the evening for them to be out. I was distracted for a moment from my big cat fears as I wondered whether or not I should be alarmed at coyotes on the edge of the 'hood.
I continued on my way home. As I got closer to my duplex, my sense of unreality grew. Less than a half-hour ago I was afraid that I was in imminent danger of a lion-mauling. Now I was surrounded by split-levels and ranch style homes, children were riding bikes, moms pushing strollers. Everything was so normal.
Was I having an auditory hallucination? Or was it an echo playing off the creek? Or did I really come this close to being attacked by a wild beast?
I want to go back and check things out, but I will have to bring someone with me. And I will bring my cellphone. And maybe some blow darts.

2011-08-09T14:15:00.001-07:00

Still no internet, so I am sitting in a freezing cold coffee shop and their ceilling fan is blowing on me full-blast. I have a huge headache that started in my forehead. Despite the ibuprofen I took, it has spread to the rest of my head and my eyeballs and I now have a sore throat.

Hey just now the Qwest guy called and he said our internet was good to go. Well, we'll see....

So tonight I am going to the nutrition and diabetic education center at our local hospital to help run an ED support group. Last month I went, and there was no one there but the facilitator, so we just sat and talked for awhile and by the end she had asked me to help out with the group. I guess I was flattered and excited at the time, but today I dont feel like going. I just want to lay on the couch and nurse my headache. But I am going to follow through because this is something I really want to do. I will let you all know how it goes.

Ok so here is the BIG news: I completed my CNA program on Sunday!!!! TO be officially certified and able to work I still have to take the state test, but I am through with the school part and I even got an A! This might not seem like a big deal to alot of people, as it was only a 3 month course. But it is HUGE for me. I attempted college twice in the 90's and droppecd out both times. As I got sicker and more dysfunctional and ended up on soc security, I assumed I would never be able to handle a job or school and just staying out of the hospital was about the best I could hope for in life. I have been on social sec for 11 years now. The past 2 years I have been feeling like maybe I want to push myself and see if I could accomplish an educational or vocational goal, but it just seemed like there were so many barriers. Even the task of applying to school was daunting (and it was only community college!). something as simple as aquiring my high school transcript was very stressful, because it involved tracking down phone numbers and calling people I didn't know and stuff. Then I had to apply, and after that I had to register. I am working with Vocational Rehabilitation, and I really just wanted my voc rehab counsellor to do all this stuff for me, but she wanted m to do it myself. Getting into the CNA program was hard because of all the paperwork. I needed proof of a physical and background checks. Oh, and the school kept telling me the wrong date to apply, and then acting like they had no idea what I was talking about when I called them and they told me something different. Most of the time I felt stupid and humiliated, like I was having a hard time with suff that millions of students do effortlessly every year.
The class itself was not that hard. getting there at 8 am every Sat sucked, though. I am NOT a morning person, plus the 200mgs of Trazadone I take at night make it hard for me to get up in the morning. But I made it.

well howdy

2011-08-07T12:25:00.000-07:00

Hey there! I moved last week and am having problems getting my internet set up. I finally found some Wi-Fi today and am making an attempt to get caught up with everyone. I don't have time to comment on everyone's blogs right now but I am wishing you all well.

SO here's the quick rundown on what is going on with me right now:

Back on the Lexapro and no health anxiety (suprise, suprise). My body image still sucks but I am just dealing with it.
As I mentioned, we moved, and thathas been very stressful. We are mostly unpacked but there are alot of things I cant find. Under normal circumstances I am not the most organized person. I tend to "file" important bills and papers all over the house and then forget where I have put them. Add the move, and I am hopelessly behind on some things. I am in NO way ready for the girls to go back to school this month. Well, paperwork wise. In other ways, I am VERY ready.
They are getting along better since the move. Having seperate rooms is helping, plus we have a big yard and they have made some freinds and ae spending alot of time running and playing outdoors. It's been so good for them!
Woops, it looks like my computer battery is about to die. I had better publish this quick and do a part 2 later.

XOLisa

yep, I am still a hypochondriac (I checked)

2011-07-17T10:58:00.000-07:00

One reason that I have not been blogging as much this summer is that I have been struggling with body image REALLY BAD and every time I have sat down to blog all I can think about is complaining about my body and weight. Obviously I know that would not be helpful to me or anyone reading, so I have restrained myself. But it has been a struggle, and my zest and zeal for recovery has been reduced to a mere plodding along, putting one foot in front of the other, because I know "it's worth it!".

I have been gaining weight since last December and have suspected Lexapro to be the culprit, since that was around the time I started taking it. I dont know if you all remember but my doctor put me on it because he wanted me on an SSRI (I was on pristiq which is an SNRI) for my health anxiety. My health anxiet is basically hypochondriasis, but that is not my official diagnoses, because I have alrady been diagnosed with anxiety. Hypochondria is only diagnosed when it is the primary symptom, but I have other anxiety problems as well.

So anyways, the Lexparo helped dramatically with my health anxiety and I went from frequent calls to the nurse and doctor, urgent care, and ER visits, to having no health worries at all. It was great! Fast-forward to now. I havent had any signifigant health worries for several months. I dont think I have been to the ER since the lexapro. But I am really down about my weight. So I decided to try going off the lexapro. I called my psychdoc's nurse and let her know and explained why and she said to call if I had a any problems and also to go back on the lexapro if I felt worse after stopping it. Well I went from 30mgs down to 20mgs without any problems, but after I got down to 10, things started to change. This past week I have called the on-call dentist because I was afraid that I had an infection in my jaw from dental work I had done. I don't, but he gave me some antibiotics just to be sure (bad, I know). Then I was having chest pains and I called FirstNurse and my mom, who is a nurse. I went to the ER (but in my defense, they both told me to) and after a few hours and ekg and chest x-rays the doc told me I was fine and it was likely costocondritis, which I have had before. I think I would have recognized that if I had been on the Lexapro. But in my anxiety I went straight to "heart attack", of course. Oh, and I saw a friend from church while I was in the ER which was kind of embarassing.

So yesterday I started my full dose again but I dont think it has kicked in yet because today I was SURE I was pregnant (even though today is the last day of my period) and I had to run out and take TWO pregnancy tests and even though they were both negative I am still worried I am pregnant and worrying about what the dental x-rays and chest x-ray and meds have done to my (imaginary) unborn child. It's like, even though the logical part of me knows I am fine, there is a part of my brain that believes something different and continues to obsess over it. SO frustrating.

Well, the lexapro may or may not be affecting my weight, but I am stuck with it for now, because the turmoil I have gone through this week was more distressing to me than my bad body image. I also think I need to face my body image and learn to look outside of the physical to find value with myself instead of trying to fix the problem with weight loss (even healthy weight loss, which is all I was planning).

Peace out :)

4th of july

2011-07-13T09:56:00.000-07:00

Ok here are some overdue pictures from the 4th of July. We went to Living History Farms in Des Moines. It's this old fashioned village with with people dressed in period costumes demonstrating what life was like in the 1800's. There were lots of hands-on activities for kids, and since it was the 4th of july there were additional games and fun things to do. It was a really fun day and I also thought that it was an educational and appropriate thing to do for the holiday.

Here is Emma in the blacksmith's shop hammering a red hot steel rod. Yeah, I thought it was a bit dangerous, but they seemed to know what they were doing.

Here is Annie working the bellows. You cant see the bellow because it is really huge and is hanging from the ceilling. The air from the bellows blew into a pipe the went down to where the fire was.

Here is the one room schoolhouse. Do you see those kids sitting at the front? Well, MY girls were sitting there, but they got up for a second and these kids took their spots. Grrrrrr. In case I haven't mentioned it, other people's kids get on my nerves.

Annie trying out some stilts. I tried them too and they are ALOT harder than they look.

Chris letting one go in a watermelon seed spitting contest. He got 19 feet.

I gave it a shot but I only got about 3 feet. It was kind of pathetic.

Even the girls got about 9 feet each!

Potato sack race. MUCH harder than it looks.

Pie eating contest (Emma and Annie are on the left). I thought about participating but I wanted it to be a fair competition hehe.

Emma got second place. See the look on her face? Yeah, it took her awhile to recover.

Annie going for the gusto. When she realized that she didnt get a ribbon she was sad, but this really nice guy who had third place gave her his ribbon. Isn't that nice?

BEST. PHARMACY. EVER. Too bad I didn't have a prescription.

These pigs were cute but they smelled SO bad. I thought I was going to vomit.

The girls playing with old fashioned hoops, and an annoying kid who kept getting in my pictures.

The girls are playing "penny scramble", which involveds tossing some pennies into a pile of hay and having the kids try to find them. They loved it so much I am thinking of buying a bale of hay.

Emma is scraping a bison hide at the indian farm.

Well that is about it. We had a pretty good day and also watched some fireworks and did sparklers that night. The fourth of July has not been my favorite holiday because I have a very bad memories associated with it, but I am healing from that and have found that actually going out and celebrating the holiday and making new memories (instead of sitting around and pretending the 4th didnt exist) has actually helped to put it behind me.

Well I still have more to update on but this is going to be it for now.

XOLisa

update coming

2011-07-12T20:16:00.000-07:00

Thank you everyone for the great support on my last post. I am sorry I havent updated but I AM doing better and am back to seeing my therapist. I know I owe a big long update but that will have to wait until tomorrow because I am very tired. I just have so many things to write about. So look for the real update soon!

:/

2011-06-26T14:19:00.000-07:00

To elaborate on the last post......

I am freaking depressed. I feel like a bad mom (and I dont want anyone to comment about what a great mom I supposedly am because you guys just see the good stuff on here). I don't have any friends here, in person, that I can relate to or talk to. I hate my body. I know I should probably be excercising but it is too much of an effort. EVERYTHING is too much of an effort. Even things that I usually enjoy are just no fun right now.....so why bother. All I really want to do is sit and watch TV and not talk to ANYBODY. If I could just sit in my room all day and watch tv that would be fine with me. By the way, I normally abhor the "plugged in" all the time lifestyle and I really try to limit how much the tv is on in our house. So, right now I am not setting a very good example for my girls. But I am not thinking about that at the moment. I am thinking about NOT thinking and just numbing out.
I dont have anything coming up with my T right now and I should schedule something but I just dont see the point. I'm freakin depressed, what else is there to talk about?

boo

2011-06-23T08:23:00.000-07:00

I am NOT ok right now. That is all. I will right more later when this ginormous headache goes away.

oh no they didn't!

2011-06-11T20:53:00.000-07:00

A good friend let me know the other day that our parks and recreation has posted a "very cute" photo of Annie and I at the pool on the aquatic center's FB page. I wasnt sure how I felt about this, and after finding the picture and looking at it, I am still not sure. I think it bothers me. I am just trying to figure out if it bothers me enough to ask them to take it down.

I am a recover(ed?)(ing?) anorexic and bulimic and I have never had a very good body image. That plus the fact that I have gained a crapton MORE weight this winter, and it's a wonder that I go out in public AT ALL in my bathing suit! If I didn't have kids, I wouldn't.

I have a miraclesuit. No crap, it's really called a miraclesuit! It has all this technology and stuff to suck your stomach in. As far as swimsuits go, it is pretty decent. But, even with the miraclesuit, I would be hard pressed to let someone take a picture of me in it. And if I did, I would have to be posed perfectly to avoid an unflattering shot that would make me want to go cut off my stomach with garden shears. But even under the best of conditions, I might still delete the picture. And if I kept it, I would only share it with a select few people.

Come on, think about the last time you posted a pic on your blog (if you do). Tell me you didn't obsess over it, at least a little bit?

Oh, and another thing, I would NEVER let a stranger take my photo in a swimsuit!

Which brings to mind, I remember seeing the photographer. Annie and I were coming around the bend in the lazy river and I saw her focusing her lense in our direction. I immediately put my hands over my face in what I assumed was the universal sign for "take my picture and I'll punch you in the kidney!" but maybe she didn't quite get the message.

What resulted was a very akward photo of me with my hand up near my ear. But..........

Annie is also in the picture and she looks adorable! Something in me feels guilty about deleting a picture of her. I cant quite put my finger on it. Maybe it's the proud mama in me who is thrilled that they posted a picture of my litte cutie! She SHOULD be on the site; she's a cute kid having fun at the pool on a hot day.

Its late and I'm tired and I dont even know what I am talking about anymore. Bottom line is, shes a cute kid and I'm glad her pic is up there but I hate that I'm in it and I want my whole body taken out or at least photoshopped and I think it's a huge invasion of my privacy and its making me feel really insecure especially because at least two people I know have seen it and probably more and I want to call on Monday to ask them to take it down but now that people know about it I am afraid that they will think I am a bad sport or a weirdo or a bad mom.

If nobody had said anything I wouldnt even have known it is out there.

I need a job.

2011-05-23T14:23:00.000-07:00

I have started looking for a part-time job and so far I am discouraged. I am not sure how to fill out an application. How do I explain an 11 year gap in employment? And I sure am not going to put any of the 16 jobs I had in the 3 years I was working....it just doesn't look good. I am going to the workforce developement center tomorrow; maybe that will help.

I did get my hopes up a bit when I saw an add for a job houskeeping nude or just in underwear. I know how to clean a house, plus I can supply my own uniform! However, as I read further, I saw that they wanted a young male for the job. Sigh.
Isn't it against the law to to not hire someone because of their gender? Whatver.....

conversation with Emma

2011-05-17T12:56:00.000-07:00

Here it is, the question I have been dreading.....way worse than "Mommy, how are babies made?". It happened last night......

Emma: mom, do you think I am overweight?

Me (calm outside, internally freaking): No. Not even a little. Why do you ask?

Emma: I dont know.....

Me: did somebody say you were overweight?

Emma: no, but.......alot of kids in my class weigh in the 40's or 50's and I weigh 75.

Me: well, you are taller than most of the kids in your class, so you would weigh more. Your weight is normal for your height. Plus, you are pretty muscular, and muscle weighs more.

Emma:but, you know how when I saw Dr. Paschen for my leg and they weighed me an it said 75?

Me: yep.

Emma: but the last time I was there it was like 74. So I gained weight.

Me: Well, you are growing. You will keep on growing and it will be normal for you to keep gaining weight and getting taller until you get to your adult size. That's how it works. Its ok.

Emma: hmmmm

Then the conversation was pretty much over and we talked about other stuff. I like to think that I satisfied her questions, but I worry that she is still thinking about it. I have forseen this because Emma seems to be developing ahead of her class; she is a head taller than most of the girls and wears clothing sized for kids a few years older than her. I also know that she gets alot of "education" about eating healthy and not being overweight and stuff (thank you Michelle Obama). I had lunch at my daughter's school the other day and heard Emma's little friends talk about which foods they weren't eating because they were fattening. Incidently, this conversation started because Emma and I were eating cheese. I seized the opportunity to tell the girls that it is ok to eat fat because fat is a vital nutrient and we need it to survive. I also told them that no one food would make them fat and that you can eat all foods as long as you eat a variety and not the same foods all the time. I think I blew their little minds.

I was thinking about myself at Emma's age. By nine, I had a really bad body image and felt like I looked different and my body was dfferent that other kids in my class. It was a sort of difference that felt bad. But it wasnt until later that I connected it to my weight. I dont even think that I knew my weight at that age. I didn't know anything about dieting either. My mom didn't diet or buy diet foods. We didn't watch alot of TV and didnt have women's magazines around. I didnt understand what calories were or how they related to my body or shape.
This is why I felt a knot in my stomache, thinking about this conversation with Emma. Not only has she noticed her weight, the number, but she has noticed a one pound weight gain enough to be concerned about it. I swear, the window of innocence in getting smaller and smaller. I wish she wasnt thinking about these things. Well who knows, maybe she is not thinking about them as much as I think she is and I am just spazzing out. What do you all think?

BTW, if you are my friend on FB, I posted a link to a news story about Sketcher's new Shape-ups shoes for girls as young as age 7! Notice they don't make them for boys *ahem*.

@&#$&%#blogger!

2011-05-15T12:07:00.000-07:00

I cleaned the girl's room yesterday. Here are the before pictures....

How could they even move around in there?

Much better!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok blogger is being a huge a*hole and I am done screwing with it for now. The above pics are fom visiting with my brother and seeing my new baby niece on Mother's day. Will be back with a meatier post later. @*#&$&%%*!

insert title here

2011-05-05T17:31:00.000-07:00

I start CNA (certified nurse aide) training on Saturday. It will be every Saturday from 8-4:30 until mid August. Suck!
So, I got my textbook the other day and already I see a problem developing. Every time I open the book I see some gross picture that makes me gag! Like a gnarly bedsore, or a cutaway diagram of the CNA sticking her/his finger up someones butt in search of a turd (deimpacting). I can barely read about this stuff- how am I ever going to do this!? Well, we'll see, I guess. On the upside, I did get a cute purplish-pinkish stethescope that I cant wait to play with....

Ok, subject change.

I restricted last week, for two days. Durring these two days I was...
1.hungry
2.shaky
3.weak
4.cranky
5.depressed
6.hungry

and I...

1.couldn't stop thinking about food and counting calories
2.was in a general daze and had brain fog
3.felt really guilty
4.didnt really lose any weight

Sounds like fun, right?
Haha, not.

SO I started eating again, and probably overate to make up for the days I didnt eat much. It seems to me I could have just skipped the whole thing and come out the same.. Still, this experience has given me something to think about.

For one thing, the guilt is new. I never used to feel guily about restricting. I think the difference is, now I have a choice, and I know it. There was a time in my ED that I didnt have a choice. I firmly believe that, and so does my T. Otherwise I would have gotten better a long time ago. I wished for a change, but continued in my ED because I didn't know how to stop. I was entrenched in the illness and couldn't see a way out. Well, now that I HAVE found my way out of that hole, I feel that stepping back into it by my own choice would be just....wrong. It would be like throwing away all the hard work and the struggle I have done to get to this place. It would be like a big "eff you!" to all the people who have been there for me, and without who's support I wouldn't be there today. Hence the guilt.

Sometimes I think I a little guilt is a good thing.

randoms

2011-04-29T09:24:00.000-07:00

I apologise for the lack of postage. I'm ok, jut been super busy. I hope you all had a great Easter! In case anyone is wondering, I did NOT actually buy the Gangsta Bunny. Who would actually get one of those for their children?

Have any of you seen the movie "Idiocracy"? When I see stuff like this Gangsta Bunny, it reminds me of that movie. Our society is truly going down the crapper.

I saw the movie "Black Swan last night, and I must say I did not like it. I found it to be gross and creepy and weird. I fast forwarded through all the sex stuff because it was waaaay to graphic for me. *shivers*

My Emma ordered her caterpillars from a butterfly kit I got her for Christmas (it has finally been warm enough for them to be shipped). After a week of watching them crawl around they all climbed to the top of the jar and formed chrysallis's. They did it so fast, too! One minute we would look at them and they would be catterpillars, and then an hour later they were completely coccooned! It was pretty neat and we cant wait for them to hatch (should be a few weeks).

My daughter Emma's therapist is leaving the clinic. She signed a "no compete" contract so she could not tell us where she would be moving to, but she did say that she would not be to hard to find if I wanted to look for her (wink wink) and that she would still be taking title 19. So that narrows it down to about three agencies in the area where she could be working. I think I would rather have Emma continue seeing her as opposed to starting with someone new, and she said she would like to continue working with Emma. Emma's last appointment with her is next week, and then it will be time for me to pick up the phone and track her down.

Why do therapists move? Why do they have personal lives? Therapists should never move or get sick or go on vacation or take maternity leave. In short, a therapist should have no life and live at their office and return your call/email within 3 minutes and always have an opening the minute you need them.
Ok, ok, I am totally joking. I guess if that were the case, we would never have to "use our skills" or practice "crisis management" or ask our support people for help ect. For me, most of the work of recovery has taken place outside of the therapist's office. That is where the rubber meets the road, so to speak.

Oh well, thats about it for today.

XOLisa

Gangsta' Bunny!

2011-04-20T15:47:00.000-07:00

Gangsta Bunny, complete with gold chain, oversized hoodie, and baggy pants.

And yes, lets not forget the gang sign. Represent!

Gangsta Bunny gettin' payyed, yo!

Hangin wit his peeps.

Yo, dat aint mine!

Yeah, right. Look at those eyes and tell me you aint been smokin' the easter grass.

"18 years, 18 years, she got you for 18 years......"

update, shoplifting, stuff

2011-04-16T09:14:00.000-07:00

Hmm, I think I will just do a bit of an update.
I plan to answer Keely's request for a story about one of my misadventures, but I think that will be a post of it's own. Actually, I first want to answer Nobody Girl's question about how I was able to stop shoplifting.

The short answer is: I got busted. Before I got busted, I shoplifted nearly every time I went to the store. At first it was just for the thrill of it, the high of getting away with it. Sometimes I shoplifted clothes and purses, but usually it was trinkets. Something small enough to fit in my hand or up my sleeve. I kept my "collection" on my dresser: crystals, tiny boxes made of seashells, little figurines. I also like to steal costume jewelry. So like I said, it was for the high at first, but after awhile it became like a compulsion.
I remember the first time I realized this. I was eating with my family at a restraunt in the Amanas (quaint historic villiages in Iowa). There was a gift shop at the restraunt and we were all going to look in it. It was full of little souvenier and trinkets and things. As soon as I stepped in there I felt scared. there was like this elecricity buzzing all over my body. You know the term "itchy fingers"? I definately had itchy fingers. I was overwhelmed being around all that stuff and I felt I had to take something. I just kept thinking "no, I dont want to do this with my family here" and I put my hands in my pockets to try to calm them down. the urge to take someting was overwhelming and I ended up leaving the gift shop because I knew if I stayed in there any longer I would break. Thats when I knew it was a problem. Anyways, I eventually got busted.
It was horrible. It was like all the guilt that I didn't feel all those times I stole decended on me all at once. My feeling of invincibility was gone, poof! I didn't get into any real trouble because I was a teen. I shoplifted a few times after that, but it wasnt fun anymore. Instead of a high, there was a sick feeling of guilt and fear. So anyways, that's how it ended.

Ok, update: I am struggling REALLY hard with body image. I have been having lots of ED thoughts lately but am fighting them. Every time I get close to turning back to my eating disorder, something (God) steps in and saves me. For example: Last night before bed I was looking for my prom picture to show Emma. I was sitting on the floor on one side of the bed, and Chris was on the floor on the other side, saying his evening prayer. As I was looking through pictures I came across one from when I was really sick. I just stared at it and I swear it started to hypnotize me. I just kept thinking "I want to be that thin again. I want to look like that. I want to be thin. I want to be thin. I will be thin." and I started thinking about losing weight and making plans in my head and fantasizing about restricting, ect. Then all of a sudden it was like the ED fog in my head cleared and I could look down and see myself from a bird's eye view: Chris on his side of the bed praying and me on my side staring at that picture and I was like "Wow. Look what I am worshiping. Look what I am holding up as my idol. This is SO not where I want to be". I prayed to God, thanking Him for showing me myself in that moment. I also prayed honestly, aknowleging to Him that in many ways I still want the eating disorder, and asking Him to take that desire from me, and to love recovery more.

Ok, this is getting really long so I"ll finish up with the update:
I am all registered for CNA classes and start on the 7th of may.
Chris is having a hard time in school and is taking cymbalta.
I applied for a job (maybe more about that later).
It was warm here but now it is cold again (sucky Iowa weather).
My sister is having her baby next week.
I still feel lost and inadequate most of the time.

Thanks for being there :) XOLisa

blocked

2011-04-12T20:46:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted for a bit. I am ok, just suffering from some serious writer's block. If anyone has ideas about what I should blog about I would love to hear them. Or if anyone has a question they want to ask? Anyone? Now's your chance!

Award, yo! (edit: when I hit "publish", all my lists were condensed into one long paragraph and I cant figure out how to fix it. Any ideas?)

2011-04-01T07:00:00.000-07:00

ok so I got an award from the lovely blogger who writes "Battle in Mind", see here for details because I couldn't figure out how to copy and paste the award to my page : hmmm, it turns out I cant post a link either. I'm so lame. Anyways, BIM is on my blogroll, check it out!!!! The award is called "Versatile Blogger Award", and you have to thank the person who gave it to you (THANK YOU!!!!!), list 7 things about yourself that people might not know, and pass the award on to 5 people. So here is my list:

1. I used to be a compulsive shoplifter.

2. When I was a kid I was obsessed with running away to live in the woods.

3. I really REALLY want to visit New York City in the fall. I have never been there.

4. I LOVE frogs, and I have a collection of frog statues and things that I have been accumulating since I was a kid.

5. My favorite book is Watership Down.

6. I am anti-milk (for reasons other than food allergies or ED). Comment if you want to hear my anti-milk rant.

7. My ED started with a book I read. Isn't that ridiculous? Maybe I should write a post about it.

I pass this award on to:

My homegirl Bananas!!!

Soft Spoken Girl !

Kris (blue flower Kris, who's blog I really need to put up there on my blogroll)!

Jules from Flawed Design!

Liz from The Only Easy Day Was Yesterday!

P.S. I tried to post a vlog the other day and it would not load..grrrrr! I have been in Waterloo the last few days at a WRAP training, when I feel up to it I will post about that because I think it is a great tool for recovery that everyone should know about!!

2011-03-27T13:12:00.000-07:00

Today I just feel....blah. Tired. A little down. I'm doing ok with my ED recovery. I'm not restricting or purging. Mostly, I am struggling with my body image. I put on alot of (unneccesary) weight this winter and I am just feeling really sluggish and unfit. And its not like I can diet, you know? I have identified a few things I can change that would help, like drinking more water and getting some form of physical activity on a regular basis. It's been hard to move from the contemplative stage to the ACTION stage, though. The truth is, I really like sitting on the couch and drinking diet Coke! Sigh. I'm doing so well. I'm doing so well. I'm doing so well. But the truth is, sometimes I wish I wasnt doing so well. Sometimes I really miss being sick. Don't worry, I'm still totally anti-ED pro-recovery. I am still really proud of myself for how good I am doing, and I am excited about my future. But sometimes I get scared, and I want to go back to what is comfortable. I'm excited about school, and getting a job, and being involved with NAMI, and all of the possibilities that are opening up now that I dont have to spend all my time and energy fighting the ED. But its also all so new and unknown. I know how to be sick. I know how to be in crisis. I'm experienced in it. Without the ED I feel...naked? Unsure? Alone? I keep going because I have faith that this will change. Eventually, health will feel normal and comfortable for me. It's just hard right now.

Aha! She CAN learn new things!

2011-03-24T11:38:00.000-07:00

coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

2011-03-21T07:08:00.000-07:00

I am in heaven. It is so rare that I get to enjoy a cup of coffee in my own home. When Chris and I stayed in a hotel last week, I swiped the coffee packet that goes in the room's little coffee maker. So this morning, I heated some water and steeped the coffee packet in it, like a teabag. And now I am sitting on the couch with a nice hot mug of black deliciousness. Ahhhh! Someday I will have a coffee maker.....someday......

I tried to register for a CNA training program today, and was met with quite a bit of frustration. Turns out I need to get a TB test and flu shot and background check BEFORE I can register! Maybe this is common knowledge for the rest of you, but I tend to exist outside the realm of reality. SO anyways, I had to print out a bunch of forms and I have to go see Dr. Sean today and get a TB test and flu shot and stuff. That works out ok, thought, because I wanted to see him today anyway. I am worried I have cirrosis of the liver.

YES I have been googling symptoms again. Sue me.

P.S. I have been thinking about doing a video post on my blog. What do you think?

update

2011-03-14T17:11:00.000-07:00

I havent posted in awhile beacause my life has been crazy busy. My girls were off school last week, I had two parent-teacher conferences, appointments for me and Emma, and my mom came to visit for a few days. Also I went to a mother/daughter sleepover at my church friday night and didnt sleep ALL NIGHT!

But the biggest thing going on has been getting ready for my sister's baby shower. I was collaberating with my sister's sister-in law on it. I have been kind of obsessing on making it perfect, running from store to store for weeks trying to find the perfect little things to make it special, worrying over the menu, ect.. Anyways, Saturday I had to prep most of the food and make the cake, on NO sleep. It was brutal. My wonderful husband Chris helped me so much. He matchsticked so many vegetables for the spring rolls that he actually got a blister!

Here is a bouquet of flowers I made using baby hats and baby washclothes. I learned how to do it on the internet.

Here is the shower cake. It is supposed to look like a onesie. It was my first time using fondant and I was really worried about it, but it turned out nice. The shower colors were pink, green, and black.

This shower was really important to me. I wasnt a very good sister in our early adult years. I was so sick, in and out of the hospital, consumed by my ED and barely functional. When she had my niece (who is now 11) someone else did the baby shower. When she got married I was the maid of honor, but basically all I did was show up. I didnt throw the shower or organise the bachelor party. In fact, I almost didn't make the wedding because I was committed to ED treatment at UIHC (but I escaped, so it was all good). I was supposed to be house and dog sitting for her durring her honeymoon, but was hospitalised with low potassium and had to call her in Hawaii and she and to find someone else. Sister FAIL!

We have grown apart, but I really want my sister to know that I want a better relationship with her and I care about her and stuff. I think she had a great time at the shower and we stayed at her house and got to hang out and talk and it went really well. So I am hopefull that I am on the road to redeeming myself. Time will tell.

just a quick post

2011-03-02T07:01:00.000-08:00

Hey. I just wanted to say thank you for the support on my last post. I am doing better.

When I get upset my emotions get REALLY intense. It's like I can go from 0 to 100 in an instant. It is uncomfortable to be in such emotional distress, but I think that I have made progress, because I can tolerate it without acting on any of the self-harm urges or doing anything else crazy or impulsive.

I haven't had alot of time to read or comment on blogs the past few days because of some stuff going on at home. Emma, my 9 year old, is really struggling with anxiety and depression and I have been worrying about her and trying to focus more on her (and our family in general). Not that I am neglecting myself. I know I have to take care of myself so I can be healthy and take care of my family. I am just trying to find a balance.

For example, I have decided to start driving Emma to school instead of having her take the bus. This way she can get a few minutes more sleep and hopefully have a more relaxed start to her day. But it also means that I actually have to get up and function in the morning, which means I have to try to go to bed earlier at night. This is hard for me, because night time is my "me time", when I usually check blogs and stuff. I could still do this as soon as the kids went to bed, but that would mean that I would be totally neglecting my husband. Sigh. It seems like everyone wants a piece of me! It's so hard for me to carve out a little time for myself.....

I am thinking about going back to weekly therapy. I had cut back to every other week, but things have been kind of stressful. Besides my depression and anxiety, I am having trouble with my marriage and worrying about Emma. I think I need at LEAST an hour a week to deal with all of this.

Sorry I am so whiny right now. I am just SO GRUMPY! Getting up early makes me grumpy.

p.s. sorry about the swear in the previous post. I was just going throught some really intense emotions. I know that not many people are offended by swearing these days, but if you were, I apologise.

bad day hello

2011-02-26T19:52:00.000-08:00

I just feel.....sad..angry..hopeless..useless...I could go on, but I wont.

There is trouble in paradise. Chris and I had, well, not a fight. We don't really fight. We had a thing. And it is not really resolved, so we have spent most of this evening hanging around our small apartment but not really talking to eachother.

Right after the thing, I was feeling so angry and sad and hurt. And FULL, because I had just eaten dinner. Why is it that this crap always happens right around dinner time? I wanted to throw up so bad. Just throw up all those feeelings. Feel empty and calm and emotionless. Thats how the ED made me feel. I had no emotions. No one could hurt me, because I didn't feel pain.

But I didn't feel joy, either.

I didn't throw up. I did some laundry, and then I decided to look through a box of photos. You know, real photos, not the ones on my computer. I didn't have a digital camera when Emma was little, so most of the pictures are from when she was a baby and a toddler, with a few of Chris and Annie thrown in. But mostly I looked at Emma. Emma, with her baby curls, her huge, beautiful eyes. Her mischevious grin.

It was a mistake, looking at those pictures. Because it all came rushing at me and hit me square in the stomach, like a fist. The years between when those pictures were taken and now. All the mistakes I have made. All the stupid, crazy shit I have done. The times she has seen me cry, freak out, and break down. The eight times I have been hosptialised since she was born.

I have tried to be the best mom I could be!!!!! I have given her everything I had to give, but the problem is, I have never had very much to give.

Maybe I should have stayed with her dad. Or maybe I should have given him custody. Maybe what that one blogger said was right: crazy people shouldn't have children.

What am I? Stupid, unstable, lazy, uneducated, bad mom, failure.

I don't care if I never amount to anything. But God, please save my girls.

I'll be ok (so don't worry). It's just been a really crappy day.

getting the shaft

2011-02-19T15:23:00.000-08:00

I am irritated and just need to vent about a few things.

I just had to fork over $25 for two days worth of Lexapro. For some reason my prescription plan had decided that it wants prior authorization, and of course since today is saturday and my doctor's office is closed I had no choice but to buy a few to tide me over. The problem is, I take 30 mgs a day, and the script is for 10 mg tablets, which is 3 per day, but my drug plan has decided it wont pay for 3 pills per day. I could get 20 mg tablets and take 1 and 1/2 per day and they would cover that. But since the script is for 10 mg tablets I have to wait until they can get ahold of my doctor and ask him to change it to 20 mg tablets.

I dont know if I am making any sense. I am just really irritated at the moment.

But seriously, does this look like $25 worth of meds to you? Why is this stuff so expensive, anyway?

Ok, here is the the other thing I want to complain about. Since there were some killer after-Vday candy sales, I treated myself to this ginormous box of chocolates. I took this pic with Annie in it, for scale. I don't even think she knew I was taking her picture because she was mesmerised by the Wii.

So it looks like a big box, right?

However......it has a false bottom! How deceptive! It's like they hired some engineers to figure out how to put the least amount of chocolate in the biggest box.

And they weren't very good chocolates anyway. Oh well.

Ok, rant over.

my valentines

2011-02-14T08:24:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentines Day to the loves of my life, my reasons for living, my everything!!

XOXOXOXOXOXO

XOXOXOXOXOXO

XOXOXOXOXOXO

superficial moment of the day

2011-02-09T17:42:00.000-08:00

Oh, who am I kidding....I spend most of my day thinking about superficial crap.

So which do you like better.....

...short......
....or long(ish)......

......because I am trying to decide whether or not to keep growing it. Right now I am leaning towards growing it some more. I mean, I can always cut it, right?

I don't know, for some reason the short hair makes me feel younger.

What do you think?

the job

2011-02-06T18:12:00.000-08:00

I wasn't planning on getting a job right now. I am working with vocational rehabilitation, but so far the plan is for me to try taking a college class next fall (hence the application). But then this job popped up at the local mental health center. The position is "Peer Support Specialist". They are looking for people who have lived experience with mental illness, who are stable and can work with others with severe and persistant mental illness to help them with things like goal setting, coping skills, problem solving, crisis management, advocacy, ect. I would be helping others maintain stability so they can live in the community, and advocate for them durring crisis.

I really, really want to do this kind of work. And goodness knows I have the "lived experience". I have experienced pretty much every level of care they have around here...inpatient psych unit, county care facility (otherwise known as residential or long-term care), supervised community living, inpatient and outpatient committment, ect. I think the only place I haven't been is a group home. But I understand what it is like to come out of an institution and try to live in the "real world". All of a sudden having to navigate stressors like bills and grocery shopping and getting to appointments. Not having a nurse or care tech to talk to 24/7 when you feel anxious or unsafe. People get stable in the hospital or in a treatment center, but on your own, in your own place, is where the rubber meets the road. Some people don't make it. Maybe they don't have enough support, or they are not following their wellness plan, or something stressful happens. Or maybe they are just too ill. Sometimes all it can take is a few crisis hospitalizations and you are sent back to an institution.
That's where I think that Peer Support can be really valuable. The PSS can fill in the gap between therapists and case workers who are often overworked. The PSS ideally would have greater empathy and insight because of their own battle with mental illness, and might even be able to see signs of deterioration before a liscenced proffessional.
I have a friend here in Iowa who because of an ED has been in and out of hospitals and treatment centers for years (we have been in alot of the same places here in Iowa and I think she would agree with me that treatment around here for ED's is woefully inadequate). Following a hospitalization last year she was is a care facility for several months, and eventually was released to her own apartment. She had a therapist and a dietitian. She also had a caseworker who was supposed to be keeping tabs on her but kept failing to show up for home visits and to my knowledge only made it once or twice. My friend saw her therapist and dietitian regularly, but it was between visits that she really struggled, and eventually relapsed. She was re-hospitalised, lost her apartment, and is now in a care facility yet again. The whole thing has made me so angry and helpless. Maybe peer support would not have made a difference. Maybe she would have gone downhill no matter what. But I really believe that if she had had a PSS who could have come to her home several times a week and was able to sit down with her and work out a plan to deal with behaviors and even maybe grocery shopped with her or been on call to talk and also hold her accountable....I don't know, but I think it might have made a difference. Maybe with more support it might have just been a rough patch that she would have gotten over, instead of a full-blown relapse. And I am not niave. I'm sure that the situation was more complicated than it appeared. But whatever the circumstances were, it was clear to me that she did not get the support she needed to live independently.

Ok, so back to the job. I am not getting my hopes up about this one. For one thing, I have not been through Peer Support Academy, and I have not been trained in WRAP (wellness recovery action planning). But the job add said that you had 2 years to get this training if hired. Also, I learned from someone at NAMI, this lady who is kind of my mentor there who encouraged me to apply for the job, that in my county only 3 people are Peer Support Academy graduates, and two of them are not applying. So maybe I have a chance.

But, like I said, I was not planning to try work at this time. It is only that this particular job became avaliable that I decided to check it out. If I get it, that would be great. And scary (I haven't held a regular job in years, I would have to figure out childcare, I would have to step outside my comfort zone). But if I don't get the job, that would be ok, too. It would just tell me that the timing is off, and I should get the trainings and apply for the job the next time it comes around. So I think I am looking at it in a fairly healthy way.

To be honest, I am more stressed about finalizing the lease on this duplex we might move to next fall. Geez, it's a hassle! Oh, and I have a cold. Again. I don't even think I was 100% over the last one! I swear it ts the gym. Every time I go I get sick. I think that place is crawling.

Well, that's about it. I had like 3 things I wanted to blog about today, but I think this will have to do.

XOLisa

outside my comfort zone

2011-02-04T11:37:00.000-08:00

In the past two days I have:

-found an apartment (hopefully signing the lease today)
-applied to college
-responded to a help wanted ad
-applied for training to facilitate NAMI Peer Connections support group

Also, I need to address and send out the invitations to my sister's baby shower which I am planning by the end of this week.

Feeling a bit stressed out at the moment.......

must....stop....doing....this......

2011-02-02T11:27:00.000-08:00

Ewww, gross, right? I know! I have always been a nail biter, but when I get stressed I go a little overboard and start chewing on the skin around my nails. It started with cuticle picking and kind of progressed from there. I have to admit that is has gotten a bit out of control. As evidenced in the picture above, one patch on my thumb that I am currently "working on" is nearly a full inch from the nail bed. So I cant really call it nail biting anymore. Is it "picking"? Self-cannibalism?
These pictures don't really show how bad it is. The tips of my fingers are usually red and sore and scabby or swollen. It makes nearly everything I try to do hurt! It hurts to buckle my seatbelt, or open containers, zip and button my jeans, put sheets on a bed, ect. Pretty much anything that you use your fingers for is painful for me.

Also, alot of times they will start bleeding without me realising it. I have bled on alot of my clothes, and there are blood spots on our off-white duvet cover on out bed. It is seriously gross. And it embarasses me, especially in public. Cuz you know, everyone likes to be around a stranger who is leaking bodily fluids. Sometimes I will be signing a credit card reciept and realize that I have bled on it. Yummy.

I have tried so many times to stop chewing. But seriously, I like it. It is soothing in a weird way. I guess I can kind of sympathize with those people who pull out their hair. It seems weird to other people, but it's something I do that helps me relax.

You all know that I'm kind of a hypochondriac, though. I do worry about germs I may be picking up places and putting in my mouth. Like, when I sit in my doctor's office and chew. That is about the worst place to be putting your fingers in your mouth! And I am suprised I haven't caught a staph infection yet. It's probably only a matter of time.

Really, these pictures don't do it justice. It's out of control.

Sometimes when I am chewing around Chris he will tell me to stop and it really pisses me off. I know he is just trying to help me and he doesn't like to see me hurt myself (plus he is tired of me bleeding on our duvet) but some part of me feels like he is interfeering, or trying to control me. It makes me feel rebellious and I want to chew more.

Maybe I should be on that new show "My Strange Addiction".

Help!!!!

hell hath frozen over

2011-01-28T08:01:00.000-08:00

I am going to see a dietitian to day.

Ok I am not anti-dietitian. Lots of people with ED's will benefit from seeing a dietitian at various points in their recovery. But as someone who had been in treatment like a bazillion times, I have kind of a "been there, done that" attitiude about the whole meal plan-serving size-food pyramid thing. I know that fat is a a vital nutrient and your liver can only store 2 hours worth of glycogen and your brain needs carbs to function. I know this stuff (geez I sound cocky).

But I am actually not going to see the D for my eating disorder (or non-eating disorder, since technically I dont even have one anymore! Yay!). I am going to see if she can help with my anxiety and depression. I have been reading ALOT lately about the relationship between mental health and nutrition. Like for instance, did you know that you need amino acids, especially tryptophan, in order for your body to make seratonin? So in theory, even if you were on an SSRI antidepressant, you might still not have enough seratonin if you are not getting all your amino acids. SSRI's dont make seratonin, they just keep more of it floating around in your noggin.
And I have been reading all about different fats, too. I already knew that omega 3's are good for you, but there are also long chain and medium chain and all sorts of fats that do different things for you that I dont quite understand. And I was also reading about how important the balance of magnesium and calcium is in controlling anxiety.

I guess I'm feeling like I am gathering all this information but I dont quite know how to make sense of it, or how to pull it all together. Like, what does all of this mean for Lisa? I don't want a meal plan per se, because I like having flexability, but maybe some sort of loosely structured guidelines would be helpful.

I am seeing a dietitian in my therapist's office. She works with the eating disorder patients, but also with parents of kids with adhd and other mental health problems to help them get the right nutrition to help manage their symptoms, and she knows alot about the relationship between nutrition and mental health. She is only part time in the office, her FT job is professor of nutrition or dietetics or something at Ia State.
Oh, and my insurance wont pay for me to see her so I have to pay out of pocket. Boo. BUt I am to the point where I feel ok about spending the money if I think she could help me. I have been very frustrated with my psych med situation. Pristiq has been a fail, and that is the newest one that I know of. I am SO over the atypical antipsychotics, cant take the benzos because I cant stick to proper doses, have tried every ssri and snri on the market (and even a few that have been pulled from the market), older antidepressants, lithium, shock treatment, ect.
Don't get me wrong, I am going to stay on my current meds, but I think that casting my net a bit wider in my search for symptom relief might be in order.

I'm trying not to get too hopeful. My plan is to go in with no expectations and an open mind.

But seriously, if she whips out the plastic food I am outta there.

dear lisa,

2011-01-24T18:27:00.000-08:00

stop weighing yourself at the gym. it's only going to make you crazy.

p.s. i love you!

strength in recovery

2011-01-20T18:44:00.000-08:00

It has been a REALLY bad week body-image wise. I think the Lexapro is making me gain weight. I am not eating any more than usual but over the past several weeks my weight has been creeping up. Not a huge spike, but enough to make my "healthy" jeans tight. I HATE it when my jeans feel tight. It's hard to ignore, ugh.
So that, plus some emotional/life issues I have been dealing with, have really been wearing on my resolve to stay in recovery. I find myself more and more entertaining thoughts about restricting and losing weight. Like, for instance, tonight I had the urge to skip the rice at dinner. I have that urge often, to skip the starch. It usually shows up under the guise of "healthier eating", but in reality I know that I need carbs. I need them for energy. My brain needs them to function.
But then I look at my body, my hips spilling out of my jeans, and I think "I don't need food. I could live off myself for months." Which is not exactly true, but it is hard for me to justify eating when I weigh this much.
Emotionally, I miss the numbness of the eating disorder. I miss how all my problems kind of dissolved around the one problem: my weight. I miss the safe feeling I got from losing weight.

But of course we know that that is all just an illusion.
So what have I been doing?
Simply.......eating.

I don't restrict. I don't skip the starch. Even when the depression and anxiety has flat out killed my appetite, and the smell of food is grossing me out, I sit down at the table with my family and eat a balanced meal. And its hard. Its so hard. It reminds me of being in the middle of a marathon, and you're exhausted, and everything in you wants to lie down and quit. But you keep going, one foot in front of the other. One bite at a time.
I am in recovery by sheer force of will. And despite all the complaining I'm doing here, I feel good. Strong. I was reflecting today on how much stronger I am now than I used to be. I used to run back to the ED as soon as the going got rough, or the jeans got tight. As soon as recovery stopped being a novelty and started feeling like work. But these days, the mastery I have over the ed and the work it took to get here and stay here makes me feel strong, and that feels good.

The word "strong" means something different to me than it did 5 or 10 years ago. Back then, in the grip of the ED, I thought starving would make me strong. If I got hungry, or wanted to skip the last lap around the track, ED would whisper in my ear "come on lisa....be strong!". If I gave in and ate, or if I stepped on the scale and didn't lose, I would think "you are weak. WEAK!". I am also reminded of a saying I have seen on the pro-ana sites I used to look at: "be strong...starve on!".
But that's just an illusion. The truth is, it would be far easier to go back to starving myself than it is to stay in recovery. I am not weak for eating. Weakness would be skipping dinner because "I'm just not up for it tonight". I excercise more strength on a daily basis now than I ever did as an anorexic.

I'm not saying all this to brag. I really just wanted to share this to remind us all what real strength is. If anyone reading this is in that place where ED is telling you you're weak for eating, or weak for gaining weight, or listening to your treatment team, I want to remind you that Ed is full of crap, so don't listen.

Be strong.

ED leftovers

2011-01-16T20:05:00.000-08:00

I think that I am pretty far along in my recovery, but some old habits die hard. I have what I have come to think of as "ED Leftovers", or certain thoughts or behaviors that just pop up from time to time. I guess it makes sense, if you think about it. I mean, I was eating disordered for about 16 years. All of the little ways I have adapted in order to live my life with an eating disorder don't change overnight. Also, while I choose to tell myself healthy messages about myself and my body, some of the disordered thinking still lurks around my brain. I don't consciously entertain these thoughts, but some of them are tricky. They masquerade as normal.

One big one that sometimes trips me up is my tendancy to see my body as something that is completely subject to my will. The scenario is usually something like this: I have a hectic day, or a change of plans, and I decide that dinner will have to wait until 8:30 pm (instead of 5:30). I expect that even though the last thing I ate was lunch at 11:00, my body run just fine without food until 8:30 because that is what is most convenient to me. And we all know how this usually ends.

Such was the case Friday night. I had to take my daughter to Waterloo (1.5 hours) and then drive back (1.5 hours). I was planning to leave just after 4pm, and hit the drive through for Emma on the way out of town. I could have made an early dinner before we left, but I didn't want to do that because I was feeling lazy. When we went through the drive through, I didn't really want to get any food because nothing sounded good and what I really wanted to do was eat a huge bowl of popcorn for dinner when I got back that evening (ok if anyone wants to jump up my @ss about popcorn for dinner, leave a comment and I will explain how popcorn can be dinner. I just dont feel like going into it right now. Thats not the point of my story anyways). But I was thinking that I needed some "fuel" for the 3 hour drive ahead so I picked a small cafe mocha. I figured the combo of caffiene and sugar would be just the thing to keep me going.

I have to stop myself for a moment because as I'm typing this I'm thinking "hey, this doesn't sound that messed up! Don't alot of women in our culture operate like this? We shrug off our needs and try to patch ourselves up with the quick fix so we dont have to slow down and admit that we are not superwomen and we can't control everything. We grab a cup of coffee and call it dinner and head off to the next task or errand or meeting. Sad.

But you think, with my history, I would know better. Apparently not.

About 20 miles outside of Waterloo I started to get that crappy, jittery, anxious feeling that I get when I drink coffee on and empty stomach. But of course, I'm superhuman, and my body is completely under my control, so I press on. I drop Emma at her dad's house in Waterloo and start back toward Ames. The feeling gets worse, but I decide that I'm just anxious because I don't like to drive at night, and its snowing a bit. This is partly true, but I am also ignoring some pretty big signals that my body is sending me. I near a truck stop that is the only one for awhile and I briefly consider pulling over for a snack, but I don't because I really just want to get home.

30 minutes later I am starting to shake, and it's more than just anxiety. My muscles are trembling because they need fuel. I am having a hard time keeping my eyes focused on the road and staying alert. I am guessing that my blood sugar is a little low, and I eat an apple, because it's all I have on hand, but it doesnt help much. For a fruit, apples have a pretty marginal effect of blood sugar. I know I need to stop and get something to eat, but the next stop isn't for a few miles. And its a long, scary few miles, but I make it, and pull into the gas station. But not without driving on the wrong side of the frontage road, before the headlights of an oncoming semi snap me back to attention.

So anyways, I get to the gas station. I am pissed. I hate that I have to stop, because I am only about 30 miles from home. Even now, I am thinking "this is stupid. I could have made it. I'm just being a wuss.". But I go in, looking for a banana, which they don't have. I settle for juice, which I know will revive my blood sugar, and string cheese for a bit of protien. I make myself sit in my car and have the snack. I wish that I could eat and drive at the same time, but I know that I need to get feeling better before I get back on the road. I'm so mad at myself. Mad that I am sitting in the parking lot of the Flying J, having a "time out snacky time". I feel about 2 years old. Plus, I'm pissed that I had to drink JUICE (I have juice issues. More ED leftovers).

Then I think "you know, this is ok. I mean, you didn't manage your nutrition very well today, but you are doing what you need to do right now to get back on track. You're doing ok, kid.".

When I am done eating and feel better, I call Chris and explain my little pit stop and why I will be late so he doesnt worry, and I get back on the road. Pulling back on the interstate feels like night and day from when I left it. Just noticing how focused I am and how much better I feel makes me realize that bad shape I was in. It's kind of scary. For one thing, I can see! Not just in front of me, but my whole field of vision has opened up. Not to be corny but I was seriously, like, marvelling at the panorama! It made me wonder if my vision had been tunneling earlier. I just feel really greatful that I pulled over instead of just trying to push through.

I get home just fine, eat my delicious popcorn and watch some TV with Chris, but the whole event has left me feeling a bit shaky. I have to retrace my steps to figure out what went wrong. Ok, so maybe I didnt want to eat an early dinner, but I should have planned accordingly and brought a substantial snack with me. Eating doesn't alway have to be perfect, and it doesn't always have to be according to plan, it just has to happen. No more thinking I'm a superwoman who can live on caffiene and sugar.

AsI said earlier, I think that this situation is typical of the consequences of "ED leftover" thinking. But it could also be typical of our culture. Its a bit of a blurry line. I think, though, that as someone in recovery, I need to be extra super aware of stuff like this. Since I don't see a dietitian or follow a meal plan, I have alot of flexibility, which I love. But I gotta be smart. I have common sense about most things, but when it comes to food...well....I'm getting there. It's a learning proccess.

And that's ok.

First Nurse @&#$*!

2011-01-12T12:02:00.000-08:00

Ok, I think that McFarland Clinic needs to give their nurses who man the First Nurse phones some sensitivity training, or something.

I called last night to ask a question about taking ibubrofen (see previous post). It was kind of embarassing because I had to tell the nurse about my "poop problems" and bleeding and such, which was why I was concerned about taking the ibuprofen, because you aren't supposed to take it if you have GI bleeding.
So anyways, the nurse pulls up my chart on the computer and she says "I see you have anxiety and depression......." in a way that made me think that she thinks this has something to do with what I am talking about. This has happened before. I don't know why they have to bring it up! It has nothing to do with my costochondritis or GI bleeding! Then she said "you are on lexapro, prisiq, trazodone, and buspar. Wow, that's alot of medication! You take all that medication!?"
I was beyond irritated by this comment. First of all, that's not really that much medication. I have been on more in the past, and I know alot of people with mental illness that take more medications than that. But it was mostly the tone in her voice that bothered me. It was a judging, dissapproving tone. I know what you are thinking, that I was probably just embarassed and feeling sensitive (and I was), but really, she used the tone. Then she just didn't say anything, I guess she was waiting for me to answer her ridiculous comment, so I just said "yeah" and got back to asking her about my real problem. But fot the rest of the conversation, she talked to me in that "careful, this lady might be crazy, so lets not upset her" voice. You know, the too-friendly, overly slow, carefully enunciated way that people speak to children/the elderly/mentally ill.

Yeah, I was about done after that. I said "thanks for the help" click.

But the good news is, my chest is feeling a little better, and today I POOPED!

Maybe she annoyed the crap out of me.

another reason to hate working out

2011-01-11T18:27:00.000-08:00

I went to the gym yesterday for the first time since, oh, late last spring. I didn't want to do it, but I my chloresterol came back a bit high, so I figured it was time.

It took me like forever to get ready and to get myself there, and when I got there I discovered that I had forgotten my mp3 player! Lame. You even need headphones to watch the little tvs on the excercise thingys. Boo.

I toughed it out on the eliptical for about 20 minutes. I made sure to wear a surly frown so everyone who looked at me could see how miserable I was. I think the difference is that last year, I was trying to convince myself that I could learn to love the gym if I wanted to bad enough. Now I have embraced my hatred of formal excercise but I'm going to go anyway, and just let it all hang out.

Ok I know it sounds like I have a really bad attitude, but seriously, the whole time I was there I felt like I was being tortured. Even the dry air hurt my sinuses, and it smelled funny. Like sweat and that cleaner spray you are supposed to spray the equipment with when you are done using it. Like that even makes a difference. I'm sure that place is crawling.

So like I said I did the eliptical for a bit and then I thought "as long as I'm here I'll do some weights. So I did my old routine, which included some machines that work the chest area. I felt ok, I dont think I overdid it at all.

I woke up this morning pretty sore, which was weird because working out has never made me sore in the past. It has just gotten worse as the day has gone on. My chest is on fire. It is excrutiating. I had to go to bed durring dinner because it hurt too much to sit up, and I have been in bed ever since. It hurts to move. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to touch my chest. I am fairly certain I have costochondritis again. I had it last summer, remember? Anyways, it can be triggered by physical strain. Like the gym.

I am in so much freaking pain right now. I know that some ibuprofen would help but you are not supposed to take that stuff if you have bleeding (see previous post). I think I am going to go call First Nurse and see what they suggest.

Peace out.

And Word to Sairs in Brisbane! Stay dry!

q: what lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

2011-01-09T19:14:00.000-08:00

a: a nervous wreck!

Haha that's my new favorite joke :)

Ok but all kidding aside, this post is pretty much all about my poop.

I am not feeling so good tonight. I am having some, um, elimination issues that are really worrysome. Things are not really moving along. It makes me a bit anxious to be eating breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner, snack....you get the picture, yet not see anything coming out the "other end" for about five days now. It makes me wonder "where did it all go? Is it stuck in there somewhere?". I used a duclolax suppository last night with meager results, and today I have been pooping blood. Sorry to be gross, but I am wayyy stressed about this and writing about it helps. Well, it is a bit more blood than just the usual bleeding hemrrhoid. My husband even took a look and was a bit alarmed. We decided that he would google this time, so we could figure out if I needed to see a doctor right away, and I wouldn't get sucked into researching all the possible causes of the bleeding or diseases I might have. We decided I need to see the doctor but it wasnt urgent so I didn't have to go to the ER tonight. I feel happy about this, because the last thing I want to do is go the the ER again so soon, especially to have strangers look at my but. *shudder* But I don't want Dr. Sean to look at my butt, either. Maybe I can ask for a female DR or something. Also, since Dr. Sean was managing my psych meds for over a year, we have spent so much time just talking and it feels like we have a different kind of relationship than just the clinical physician-patient relationship. It would be like if you had to show your psychiatrist your bare nether-region.......no thanks!

Ok so if you are still reading and now totally grossed out I will end on a positive note. I was reading back to my posts from this time last year and was amazed at how far I have come ED-wise. This time last year I was at a healthy weight but still stuck in a cycle of bingeing and purging, and also struggling with purging "normal meals". When I was reading these posts I really remembered what it felt like, the ordeal of purging, the physical drain. The icky feeling of knowing you "did it again", even though you promised yourself that you wouldn't. I just felt so powerless and ashamed, feeling like "I want recovery, so why do I keep doing this? What's wrong with me?".
So I guess what I am trying to say is, I know I am struggling quite a bit with anxiety at the moment, but look at what I have overcome! It feels so good not to be in that place anymore. I have kind of been taking it for granted but reading these posts just reminded me of how awful it was and how nice it is to be free of the bingeing and purging.
I know there are lots of different opinions on spiritual healing, and it is not my intention to preach to you. But I just have to say that I KNOW that God healed me from the bulimia. I don't know why he chose that particular time, because I have prayed for healing on and off for years. All I know is, I was completely out of control, and about this time last year (or maybe it was Feb) I began praying in earnest for the Lord to heal me, and He did. I think in the past I have been skeptical that God would heal me, and I would get irritated when people suggested I pray. I just didn't think it would be that simple. Also, I had tried it before. But about this time last year I was on the phone with my dad and telling him about my struggle and he REALLY TOLD ME (and I put this in caps because he was like preaching to me on the phone) that I needed to pray and believe the God would heal me. Something about the way he said this to me, or maybe because he was my dad, made me believe, and I began to pray and believe I could be healed. And one day, I realized that it had been nearly a week without purging and I barely noticed. And the barely noticing was the miracle. Usually, just going a day without purging was a white-knuckled struggle, a hard-won victory that left me exhausted. So to go several days without purging, without even the urge, was amazing! It was like the desire to purge was just lifted!
I purged only a few times last spring, and actually puged blood, which was quite scary. It also told me that God was giving me this chance, and I should not throw it away. The last time I purged was an isolated incident over the summer.
I don't write alot about my faith in Christ. I guess I don't want to offend people who don't believe in God. But it has been on my mind alot lately, and I want to let people know that I give full credit to God for healing me and am truly greatful to Him! I don't want to be ashamed of my faith, which means so much to me.

Wow, this post has really ended up somewhere different than where it started out. I'm glad, though.

things are...about the same

2011-01-06T16:54:00.000-08:00

wellllll...........

I don't know what to say. I want to post more often, but lately I feel like it is just the same old sh*t. My anxiety is still high. My depression is still bad. The meds don't seem to be working. I'm just barely dragging ass through the day.

After much internal debate I decided to go see Dr. Sean yesterday, for two reasons. Reason number one is I think my chloresteral may be high, so I wanted to get that checked. I didn't know I was supposed to fast for that, so the dr put the lab order in and I have to go do it tomorrow. I was supposed to do it today but I just didn't feel like it this morning.
The second reason is I suspect I have high mercury levels. I was reading this book called "Tired of Being Tired" and there was a chapter about environmental toxins and I was reading mercury poisoning sympoms and I have like all of them. I have alot of amalgum fillings in my teeth and that is where I think I might be at risk. So anyways, when I go in for the blood draw tomorrow I also get to pee in a cup so they can test it for heavy metals.

I know what you are thinking: Lisa this sounds like health anxiety. I know. I KNOW! But my mind keeps thinking, "what if?".

So related to that is something I am embarrassed about but I will write about it.

I went to the ER last night.

I have been having this feeling of pressure on my chest lately, like something is sitting on it. It kind of feels like when your chest is congested, like from a cold, but I dont have a cold. I called my doctor's office but Dr. Sean was gone for the day and the nurse said to go to the ER. I really didn't want to, seriously. But I kept thinking "what if I'm in heart failure?". So I went. They did an ekg, a chest x-ray, and monitored my heart and guess what......I'm fine. Now I feel like a huge dumbass, especially when my doctor gets the report of me being in the ER on the SAME DAY that I was in to see him.

So no, I don't really think that the Lexapro is having a noticeable effect on my health anxiety.

um, I guess that's about it for now.

prepared for the new year

2011-01-04T14:02:00.000-08:00

In honor of all you "I'm really gonna do it this is the year gonna go get some Hydroxycut/xenadrine/crack-cocaine gonna start eating low carb/all carb/paleo/cabbage gonna hit the gym* for an extreme body makeover cause I've bought into all the diet industry's new year's resolution hype" people......

however good your intentions may be.....

I give you.....

...my new favorite shirt!

Happy New Year!

*ok so I do plan on hitting the gym this year, but only because I still have the next 10 months prepaid and I can't get my money back (I asked) and it would be an ok thing if I could climb a flight of stairs without getting winded. But I promise not to be obnoxious about it, and I will NOT be going to the gym to lose weight!

wishful drinking.....oops I mean thinking, did I say drinking? My bad!

2010-12-27T17:09:00.000-08:00

I know I haven't posted about my Christmas yet but my funky awful mood that I am currently in precludes that.

I feel crappy. And anxious. And....listless? Fat? Bored? I dont know.

I want a drink really really bad. I have already gone through the house and checked all the baking extracts and mouthwash. No luck. And no, I haven't even considered the hand sanitizer. The thought gives me the shivvvvvvers.

To be clear, I AM NOT AN ALOCOHOLIC (and I'm not in denial). My therapist agrees with me on this one. She believes I was misdiagnosed and mislabled and victimized by a DHS social worker on a power trip. I tend to agree.

But.....

My husband is vehemently anti-alcohol. Plus, I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm an alcoholic. My first clue was 3 years ago when he committed me to alcohol treatment. Said treatment lasted a whole 5 days because, as I said, I am not an alcoholic. We pretty much ran out of alcohol-related issues for me to address (duh I drank a total of 5 times in a two month period) so they discharged me to outpatient.

Ok, ok, so it wasn't really the frequency of my drinking that concerned people. I think it was the dumb-assed choices I made while drinking. And I guess my choices of alcohol werent exactly normal. Hand sanitizer, Bath and Body Works body spray, and vanilla extract aren't your typical cocktail hour choices. Ok maybe I did have some issues. But they were mostly my religious and social guilt about drinking, so I couldn't just pour myself a glass of wine and have a drink like a normal person. Chugging a bottle of vanilla extract in my apartment parking lot feels pretty dysfunctional. But I was desperate, experiencing untreated Xanax withdrawal, just trying to get rid of "that feeling".

Which brings me back to tonight. I'm having "that feeling" again. The one I would do nearly anything to get rid of. Yes, I would love a drink right now.

But the think is, my therapist and I have talked about scenarios in which I could imagine myself drinking appropriately. They include: dinner with friends (except not if my husband is there because he would be uncomfortable), dinner with family (well maybe not), and......I guess that's it. But drinking due to stress or to treat mental illness is definately not on the list. Nor is drinking in my house or around my husband. Sigh.

Geez I would really love to be wasted right now. But I guess that's not in the cards for tonight. I just freaking hate feeling like this!!!!!!!!

Help?

Merry Christmas and goodnight!

2010-12-26T18:10:00.000-08:00

Christmas is over. It was good. I am exhausted. Will do a better update soon.

XOLisa

And the beat goes on....

2010-12-19T15:30:00.000-08:00

I saw my psychiatrist on friday and may I just say again that he is awesome!!!! I am so glad to have found him. It has been about 10 year since I had a psychdoc that I felt really cared about me, really listened, and to whom I wasn't just a number or a 15 minute time slot to check off. We talked about my anxiety and depression, and he increased my Lexapro and buspar. We talked about my little slip with googling "night sweats". He said he wanted to talk to Dr. Sean (my primary care doc who used to prescribe my psych meds) and see if he would be willing to see me for a monthly appointment, just to discuss my health concerns and symptoms and reassure me. He said that that seems to really help patients with health anxiety and cuts down on visits to urgent care or the ER. I guess that would be ok, except that I would feel kind of dumb. And I also worry that if something "real" was wrong with me, Dr. Sean would just chalk it up to my anxiety.

Oh, and when my psychdoc was talking about setting up this plan for monthly appointments with my doctor, he kept referring to it as my "monthly visit". Ewww. Every time he said "monthly visit" I kept cringing internally. I was nearly ready to say "ok I'll do it but please call it something else" but I chickened out and just let it go.

When the appointment was over and I was leaving I was at the end of the hallway and almost to the corner when the doctor came out of his office and chased after me. "Oh Lisa", he said, beckoning to me. I turned around and he said quietly "Stay off the 'net!". Too funny.

I haven't been feeling too well lately, which has been causing more health anxiety. I am super bloated and feel really full all the time and have no appetite. Even food smells are making me feel sick. It kind of reminds me of being pregnant (but I am NOT pregnant). Of course this would be a good time for the ED to get back in control but even when I dont feel like it I make myself eat. Which is not fun, and usually ends up making me feel worse. Oh well, what are ya gonna do...

Well, there is not alot else going on. Here are a few pictures.....

This one is something Annie made. I think it is a paper hand taped over her real hand. She was feeling either really creative or really bored.

Here is Annie on Santa's lap.

Here is Emma dressed up in a funky outfit for a school party. You cant really tell in this picture, but I put red hair gel in her hair.

I love these girls. They keep me going.....

gingerbread house, and a few words about fudge

2010-12-15T19:36:00.000-08:00

finally got to upload pictures of our gingerbread house. So, without further ado...

Yes, yes, I know. It's lovely.

Ok, so I made fudge for the first time this year. the other day I made white chocolate peppermint fudge, and today I made plain and rocky road. I finally get why fudge has such a bad rap. I looked at this recipie and was like "ok, there are 2 bags of chocolate chips, and a can of marshmallow fluff. So why does it need FOUR CUPS of sugar again?". Wow.

It's good stuff, though. And I really firmly believe that there is no "bad" food. I actually have not been eating too many of the sweets. All the dental work I have been getting done has made my mouth super sensitive.

Well thats about it

I'm really trying

2010-12-15T06:39:00.000-08:00

Christmas is usually my favorite time of year. Even last year, when I was in a depression that was so bad I was considering having ECT (shock treatment) again, Christmas was the highlight of my year. It gave me a much needed reprieve, weeks of happiness and excitement and "warm fuzzy" feelings. Its like a magical time when my anxiety and depression doesn't exist and all is right with the world.

Not this year, though. I keep waiting, but so far I'm just not feeling it. Usually I am so excited about Christmas, anticipating it, but also hoping it doesn't come too soon. Savoring every moment of the season. This year it is feeling like just one more thing I have to get through. All the seasonal activities that I usually enjoy now feel like chores. Usually by this time I have baked dozens of varieties of cookies and candies. This year, not so much. I have done a little baking, but it has been like everything else in my life these days; I have had to psych myself up for it and talk myself through it.

Maybe my standards are too high. I need to stop comparing this year to Christmas in the past, and appreciate it for what it is.

I am trying really hard though. I mean, I haven't just been laying around saying "poor me, I'm so depressed". I know even if I'm not into it, the girls still need a Christmas. We have driven around and looked at Christmas lights. We made our popcorn string for the tree, gingerbread men, and a gingerbread house. We do the advent calender every night. The house is decorated, and most of the time I have Christmas music playing.

I know I whine alot on this blog, but I really am not trying to let anxiety and depression take over my everyday life. I'm doing my best to push through and do the things I need to do to be a good wife and mom. I guess I'm just dissappointed that the mental illness has cast a cloud over the holiday season, which is usually a happy time for me.

On a side note, our gingerbread house this year was our best one yet. I tried to upload some pictures but blogger was being weird. I will try again later.

XOLisa

look, another anxiety post!

2010-12-08T07:59:00.000-08:00

I don't think that I mentioned this, but after I saw my new Psych doc and he put me on Lexapro my anxiety really improved. I went about 2 weeks without any health-related anxiety (ok I should start calling it hypochondriasis. That's what the doc said it was, but technically he didn't diagnose me with it, because it is secondary to my generalised anxiety disorder/ocd, or some crap like that). I did have that anxiety with the mag citrate, but that was more like anxiety about anxiety, and when I actually drank the stuff I did ok. And there was a similar incident at the dentist 2 weeks ago over some novacaine. But other than that I have been doing ok.
Until.......

This past week the hypochondriasis is returning. It was triggered by several nights of having night sweats (ewww, gross). I started having this feeling of dread because I know that night sweats are a sign of cancer. I resisted googling it until two days ago, when I finally broke down and got on Web MD, where I learned that night sweats are a symptom of non-hodgkins lymphoma. So I was reading the other symptoms and one of them was abdominal pain/feeling of fullness, and I started to panic, because I totally have that. So then I started thinking I had NH lymphoma. But I was able to calm myself down by reading the other symptoms, which I dont have. But last night I started feeling nauseated for no reason, which made me think brain tumor....and the beat goes on......

I am feeling ok today (except my tooth hurts, the filling the dentist put in last week is "high". Its ok I'll just have him adjust it when I go back next week for my THIRD round of dental work in a month). But the "cloud" is back. Fearing the next wave of anxiety is like living under a cloud. I never know when the next attack will happen and so even when I feel normal I don't trust it. I so back to see Dr. S next week and I can share all this with him and hopefull he will increase the Lexapro and It will work.

Sigh how I really miss Xanax sometimes. I know I overused it and it was a bad thing for me and ultimately made my anxiety worse and getting off it was hell. But some days (LOTS of days) I think "I really just want to take a pill to make this all go away for a few hours. Just a few hours of respite. that's all I ask".

Gosh I have lots more thoughts, about my eating disorder recovery and my kids and Christmas ect. But this post is already kind of long. Maybe I should post more often.

XOLisa

big huge update with picures and everything

2010-12-02T18:21:00.000-08:00

So I was sitting down the other day to write a post about my Thanksgiving and stuff and my computer crapped out. I guess it had some gnarly virus. I just got it back from Geek Squad today ($160). Awesome.
So anyways, here is an update on my life. I guess I will start with Thanksgiving. This was my first Thanksgiving in years that I not only didn't have any eating disorder behaviors, but it wasn't even a struggle. There have been a few Thanksgivings that I didn't purge, but I always got really upset and anxious about the food. Not this year though. I ate, well, normally. It was really nice to just eat and visit and not be off in ED lala land in my head.
I still get uncomfortable about some things, though. I feel weird if I have to go to the bathroom shortly after eating because I wonder if people think I am purging. But I have decided that people can think what they want. I gotta pee, you know?

Speak of bathroom matters, I ran into a bit of a bind last week (bind haha). I didn't take my miralax regularly while I was out of town, and that combined with all the food cause me some problems. I ended up in the urgent care last night feeling really sick and after examining me and poking on my tummy the doctor concluded that I was really constipated. She told me to go drink a bottle of magnisium citrate to get cleaned out. I nearly broke into tears. The thought of taking the mag citrate terrified me. With my hypochondriasis, I know that drinking a bottle of that stuff could result in cramping, weakness, shakiness, ect, which in turn might make me panic and think I was in heart failure/having a stroke/bleeding internally/whatever. I was worried I would be up all night freaking out, or worse, in the ER feeling irritating the doctors and feeling stupid. I just didnt want to go through all that. The doctor told me that mag citrate was totally safe. I mean, they give it to children, the elderly, people with all kinds of medical problems. And I know she wouldnt tell me to take it if it could hurt me. Doctors dont want to get sued, right? I just feel so tired of this.
SO I went to the pharmacy, where I interrigated the pharmacist for about a half hour (fortunately she wasn't busy). I didnt even try to act normal. I asked her "what if I have an intestinal blockage? Would this stuff kill me then? NO I dont have a blockage but what if I did and didn't know it? What if I were bleeding internally? Well, could this CAUSE me to bleed internally?" and so on and so forth. I pretty much covered all my bases.
In the end I came home and drank the stuff and spent all night crapping my guts out and didn't panic and nothing bad happened. So all of that was over nothing. Just think of what I could accomplish if I didn't make up all this trouble for myself. Geez....

Anyways, with everything cleared out, my stomach looked pretty flat this morning. It was scary how much I liked that feeling. The feeling of my body clearing out, my stomach flat and empty. It only lasted for a few minutes, though. Then I was like "hey, wake up, kid! How do you think your intestines got so messed up anyways?". Seriously, I haven't abused laxatives in nearly ten years, and my body still hasnt recovered. No way am I going to start down that road again.

Oh, and when I finally did get to sleep last night, Annie woke up with the croup. I hate the croup. It sounds like your child can't breathe. It's scary. I took her to the doctor today and he gave her a shot of steroids to help open up her airways. SO I am praying tonight goes ok.

There is STILL no snow here! Boo! But I put up my Christmas stuff and am trying to get in the spirit. See below, a sideways photo of my tree....
And here are the stockings. We don't have a mantle to hang them on but the bookcase works.
This picture didn't turn out that great but I put together this garland with lights and (fake) cranberries and it is really pretty.

Oh and our table centerpiece. Believe it or not, I went from Hobby Lobby to salvation army to Target to Walmart back to Hobby Lobby to figure this thing out. My three criteria were: it had to be cheap, it had to match our decor, and it had to incorperate fruit. SO, the cloth thingy is a placemat from Walmart ($2), the dish was $7 at Walmart, ant the picks were about $1.75 total. Plus the fresh fruit. I think it worked out well.

See, how could I ever have a job or go to school? It would leave me no time to drive all over town obsessing over fruity centerpieces.

Here is a lovely picture of my husband cutting the cheese.

Annie, helping my mom cook.

Awww crap, I posted the fuzzy one.....

Here is a dance party I had with the girls a few Sundays ago, a result of Sunday afternoon boredom. We got dressed up in our funkiest stuff (yes, I am wearing Victoria's Secret lingerie over a tanktop) and busted a move. I decided what we need is a rotating color-light disco ball, so I am getting the girls one for Christmas.

I introduced them to the "GO" soundtrack, well, parts off it. It made me feel kind of old.
Emma, fast asleep.... ....and little Annie bug.

And here they are playing covered wagon with their bunk beds.

This is my blog! If you want to read it, you have to see pictures of my kids!

Just kidding......kind of.....

Sorry I have sucked at commenting (out of town, broke computer). I will try to get back on track.

XOLisa

doing better

2010-11-23T07:34:00.000-08:00

hmm I guess it's time for an update. The really really good news first.............................................................................................................................................................................................................
....................................................................................................................................................................................
....I have a psychiatrist!!!!! And he's NICE! And he listens!! And he didn't just tell me to go excercise!!!

I had my first appointment with him last Friday. We talked for a long time, mostly about my anxiety. He thinks I should be on an SSRI (Pristiq is an SNRI), so he asked me to go back on Lexapro. I started to cry, because I was scared. Remember, a few months ago Dr. Sean had me go on Lexapro and I thought I had seratonin syndrome from taking too many meds together? I just started worrying that this would happen again. I told the new doctor this and he talked with me about seratonin syndrome and how rare it is and how even the meds I am on would not cause it. He said if I started to worry or feel weird I could call his nurse, and he introduced me to her before I left so she would know who I was. So anyways, I have been taking the Lexapro since friday and already I feel better. I feel hopeful. BTW my new dr's name is Steenblock but I will just call him Dr. S.

I have dental work looming this afternoon. Last night I had two nightmares about it. Well, a nightmare within a nightmare. Like in the movie inception. I dream like that alot. Like, I will have a dream, and "wake up" into another dream. It's funky. Anyways, I am really dreading my dental appointment. I hope this new dentist is nice. I hope I dont have a panic attack and end up bawling my eyes out in front of everyone. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Ed-wise things are ok. A few weeks ago I was feeling really great about my recovery and was even going to write a huge post about it, full of hope and insight and wisdom blah blah blah. Then I ran into a rough patch with my anxiety and for some reason it triggered alot of ED thoughts. Not behaviors, just thoughts about restricting and losing weight. And it made me wonder, am I really as recovered as I thought I was? I guess the fact that I didnt do any restricting or purging says something. But it seems that sometimes when I am struggling with other things in my life, the ED thoughts pop up like an old security blanket. Just when I thought they were gone, there they are. I guess that's probably normal though. I mean, it was my way of coping for years. I still feel good about where I am in my recovery, but some of the "rah rah go fight win" has been sucked out of me. And that's ok. I'll get it back.

XOLisa

remedial

2010-11-17T16:58:00.000-08:00

I haven't really felt like posting lately, mostly because things have been kind of falling apart here. I continue to have health-related anxiety. There was a day last week that I was convinced that I had a brain tumor and was quite upset about it. Before that it was liver disease. But even on the days when I'm not freaking out about my health I have a kind of dread, a feelinglike it's not going to last. I spend all my "sane time" waiting for the other shoe to drop. It sucks.

I'm just having a hard time with things in general. I'm exhausted and stressed and the littlest things are causing me to burst into tears. I feel like I am losing control of my life. I am afraid to face my responsibilities. I just want to hide all day in my room with the internet or tv.

My husband told me the other day that he is afraid I am going to be in the hospital soon (YES PLEASE TAKE ME AWAY!). I tried to reassure him. The only way I would go into the hospital is if I felt like I was in danger of hurting myself. I don't feel like hurting myself right now. What I am dealing with is extreme anxiety. If there was some treatment or medicine that I thought the hospital could provide that would help then I would go there. But there isn't, so there would be really no point for me to be hospitalised right now. It would just be a waste of time. Does that make sense? I mean, as awful as my little "freak-outs" and "melt-downs" are, they are not dangerous

EXCEPT........

the toll it takes on my family. the black cloud that settles on the house when I am having a bad day. the worry in my girls' faces when they see mommy cry.
I have to get it together.

My therapist said I might benefit from remedial services. That is when someone visits with you in your home and help you with problem solving and stress management and managing your life. It's kind of like a combination of psychology and occupational therapy. I think I am going to give it a try. I know that I have an anxiey disorder, but I'm sure there are ways I can structure my day and manage things to minimize the stressors in my life that worsen my condition. Even something as simple as putting things back where they belong so I'm not running around the house crying and yelling "where is my white cami it was just right here it's gone where is it". Something as simple as that could make a big difference helping me cope with parts of my day that are particularly stressful (ie getting dressed). Duh. Seems simple enough. I'm 32 years old, I should know how to "be a grownup". But really, I spent the first half of my adulthood in and out of hospitals, care facilities, and homeless shelters. The crash course in adulthood that I got when I became a mom and got married seemed to do the trick for awhile, but the girls are getting older and my husband is now in school fulltime and things are changing and I just feel like I am in over my head. I need help.

So I found a remedial specialist I feel good about (except he's a guy, which makes me a bit uncomfortable about meeting in my home. my sense of propriety and all). His name is Kim, (Kim is also my therapist's name, confusing) and he knows my therapist. He's not with any of those agencies that contract heavily with DHS. I had a bad experience with one of those (strengths-based, my ass!).

I will be a few weeks before we are set up. I guess we'll see how it goes.

this could be a very long week....

2010-11-08T14:12:00.000-08:00

So Annie is off school all this week due to conferences, and Emma only has school tue and wed. Already they are driving me crazy! Don't get me wrong, I love my girls, but lately they are FIGHTING constantly and I am seriously fed up! Today I have introduced a new consequence: fining them 2 sillybands apiece when they fight. We'll see how it works. But really, by 9:30 this morning I was ready to lock myself in my room....

We did go on a hike to a sandbar today which was fun. They didn't fight the whole time, which was great. It seems like they only fight when we are hanging around the house. Maybe they are bored. But sometimes I just need to get things done around the house, you know? I wish they could just play together nicely. I think part of it is the age difference. I think it would also help if they didn't have to share a room. But alas, we cannot afford a bigger place. So I guess we will all just have to deal.

I have been thinking alot about my eating disorder recovery lately (as a few of you might have noticed from some rather lengthy comments on your blogs). When I get up the energy I will post about it. So stay tuned for that.

XOLisa

happy birthday to me!

2010-11-03T10:45:00.001-07:00

Hola! Today is indeed the day of my birth. Well, it is the day commemorating my birth. Whatever.
My day started with a doctor's appointment, during which I cried while Dr. S. reassured me that I am NOT in congestive heart failure. He said that my symptoms are most likely due to what he politely referred to as "de-conditioning". Hahaha. Believe me, I have never been so happy to be told I was out of shape in my life! Acually, this was a pretty good start to my day, because now I can stop worrying that I am dying, at least until I come up with another symptom to google ;).

We really celebrated my birthday yesterday. When my mom could come to visit and Chris had most of the day off school. Chris and I went to vote together. He was in the voting booth next to me and I whispered loudly "hey, I'll give you five bucks if you vote republican" and he whispered back that I could get arrested. I have a really inappropriate sense of humor sometimes. Anyways' then we went to this cute little tea house and had tea and truffles. Then the girls came home from school and my mom came and we has dinner and opened presents. My mom took this picture of us.....

here is the sweet chocolate pecan pie Chris made for me. Didn't he do an awesome job?

These are my super comfy new footie pajamas I got for my birthday! I LOVE THEM! I might just wear them 24/7.

And here they are again. I think Baby likes them too. He was nibbling on them a bit. There to the left of me you can see the box for my most awesome and shiny new Kitchenaid that I got from my honey! It's red and gorgeous and will change my life I'm sure!

I got some other cool presents and Chris sent me flowers and the sun is shiining today so all in all it had been a pretty nice birthday. I think when Emma gets home from school I am going to take the girls hiking to this really cool sand/rock bar I discovered on the edge of town. I am also toying with the idea of making a pumpkin pie from scratch. Like, having the girls help me scrape out a pumpking and roasting it and pureeing the flesh and making a pie. I think that would be fun for them to see a pumpkin go from whole pumpkin to pumpkin pie. Maybe not. I could be totally out of touch with what kids think is fun. But I think it would be fun, and it's MY birthday!

Love you all!!!!!

P.S. sorry I have sucked at posting and commenting lately. I have been having a rough time. I have been reading blogs, I just can't always think what to say. Love you guys.

mentally ill and not lovin it

2010-10-27T06:40:00.000-07:00

Well, hmmm, what's new........................

My anxiety has been sky high, and my body image is in the crapper. I have had more urges to restrict and/or purge than I have had for awhile but so far I have not given in. I was attempting a med change (from Pristiq to Lexapro) but my mental health deteriorated to quickly that I called Dr. S and he said it was ok to go back on the Pristiq so I did and now I am feeling a bit better. I mean, I thought the Pristiq wasn't working, but once I was off it, HOLY CRAP! Crying in public, panic attacks, yelling at my kids....it's been quite the potpourri of loveliness. I just can't have that right now. I mean, it's going to be the holiday season soon, plus my husband has a HUGE workload at school so I am like a single mom most of the time. Not a good time to be falling apart.

I hate being mentally ill. It just sucks so bad to feel like you have no control over your emotions. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know myself. Like, I cant trust myself. It's hard to make plans because I'm never sure what I will be up to doing in the future. Having to coach myself through simple things like taking a shower or going grocery shopping. I feel frustrated alot because I know there is so much more to me. I have so many talents and gifts that just aren't being used or developed because I spend all my time trying to keep my most basic functions online. It's like Maslow's heirarchy of needs. How am I ever supposed to evolve when I am still stuck on "safety, security" and stuff like that?

I don't even know if I am making sense right now. I'm just frustrated right now I guess. Sometimes I see myself through other people's eyes. Like, I have had som much therapy, treatment, medications, even shock treatment. Why am I not doing better?

I get the feeling that people from my "real " life (not you guys) think that I could be better if I wanted to be, that I like being sick, ect. This pisses me off more than anything, and it hurts. Nobody has a choice whether or not to be mentally ill. And I think that I DO make good choices when it comes to the things I can control. I eat and try to take care of my body. I participate in therapy. I take my meds. I ask for help/support when I need it. I try to help support others. I do everything I can to manage my illness to the best of my ability. It pisses me off whe people criticize me for being sick, when I am working so hard NOT to be sick.

Ok I better go because I dont want this to become an angry rant.....

thanks for listening
XOLisa

ok so maybe I do have a sense of humor

2010-10-20T19:11:00.000-07:00

I went to see a documentary about mental illness last night. At one point in the film, one of the people being featured said "mental illness is the only disease you can get yelled at for having".

I turned to my friend and whispered "what about herpes!?".

just a short update

2010-10-13T12:14:00.000-07:00

I am ok. This weekend I was dealing with family/marital issues which sucked. But we got through it.

I took Emma on a mother/daughter overnight camp on Friday and we had SO MUCH FUN! I will do a post on that, with pictures, hopefully soon.

I have been really struggling with the health anxiety lately. Monday night I was up late, convinced I had a brain tumor and/or some heart problem that I cant remember how to spell. I was crying and scared and at times I felt like I was really losing it. My poor husband stayed up late with me until I finally calmed down and could sleep. He is being more understanding about this lately. I think he realizes now that it really is "real" in my head and has been more sympathetic.

My body image is in the crapper right now. When I am depressed I lose my appetite, and when I am anxious I tend to overeat. So guess which one is going on right now? Fortunately I don't have a scale, but all my clothes are tight. Even my skin feels tight. And it doesn't help that it is the week before my period. Oh well. I'm sure I will fall into a depression soon and it will all even out. How's that for positive thinking?

Well I will leave you with this lovely photo. If you were driving down south 5th street or Duff avenue last Wed afternoon, you might have seen Annie and I squatting at the edge of this puddle behind the bowling alley, nets in hand, staring at the muddy water, and wondered what the hell we were doing. We were waiting for the frogs to pop back up. I discovered that there were a bunch of frogs living here earlier in the day when I was walking to the bank. And if I see a frog, I just cant leave it alone. It's a sickness or something. So we got our nets and went over there. After about 45 minuted we came home covered with mud, but successful. We got 2 frogs. We just played with them and showed them to our neighbors/landlord/anyone who was outside. That night I was just going to let them go in our back yard, but the girls got upset and worried that they would get eaten by a snake or something. So I drove the frogs (in my pajamas) back home to their puddle and let them go.

Anyways, I had alot of fun catching those frogs because I like to find animals and nature where you wouldn't expect it, like the parking lot behind the bowling alley.

Well thats about it. Have a nice day and thanks for reading!

............

2010-10-09T18:01:00.000-07:00

sad tonight. Very sad. Anxious.

I feel hurt and betrayed and left alone.

Also I am worried that I have a blocked artery/hight chloresterol/congestive heart failure.

How does a day start out so good and then end up like this?

apple orchard

2010-10-07T08:11:00.000-07:00

Well here it is 10:15 in the AM and I am just sitting around in my pajamas eating gumdrops. Not really an epic start to my day. I have been doing pretty ok this week with the health related anxiety, so that is good. But I have been kind of cranky all week. I am tapering off the Pristiq and have been having some gnarly withdrawl going on, but despite this I have actually been getting alot done lately. Monday I took my girls to an orchard to pick apples. I have been making dinner every night. Yesterday I took Annie to the library, took my girls to Reiman Gardens, made a huge batch of meatballs, and did 3 loads of laundry! I don't even recognise myself ;).

I finally got an appointment with the psychiatrist I wanted but it is not until Nov 19th! Grrr...
It's ok though, I still have Dr. Sean in the meantime.

Well thats about it. Here are some pictures from the orchard. Please kindly ignore the fact that I look like an old lady and focus on the cuteness of my girls......

It was like 75 degrees that day; very warm for oct in iowa.

My cuties.....

Most of the apples were too high to reach so we had to use an apple picker.

I couldn't figure out how to get this picture rotated. Anyways, that is an apple cider slushy she is drinking! I have never seen one before, and it was really good! It is 100% apple cider that they just put in a slushy maker.

Annie picking an apple she could reach!

It was a pretty fun time. I made a little apple sauce to go with dinner that night, but I left most of the apples for eating. They were just too good to turn into sauce!

Well that's about it. Have a nice day!!!!

oh good.

2010-10-03T19:08:00.000-07:00

I blogged last july in a post entitled "well hello there" about my anxiety concerning my physical health. BTW if anyone knows the secret to posting a link to previous posts, let me in on it ok? Anyways, this was a fairly new form for my anxiety to take and it was really stressing me out. Then the flood happened and all that followed that and I guess I was too busy worrying about other things because I really didnt obsess any more about my heath or physical symptoms for awhile. Unfortunately this past week it has started up again, and has been particularly bad over the weekend. And I have to confess that I have been visiting my old friend, Web MD. Bad, Lisa, bad! In the past two days I have diagnosed myself with a bowel obstruction (which may be caused by a cancerous tumor), an aortic dissection, and DVT (deep vein thrombosis). Ok in reality I'm pretty sure I just had indigestion and a sore leg. It even seems a little humorous to me now but seriously when it is happeneing it is not funny! Like for instance when I thought my bowel was obstructed I was thinking I would need emergency surgery and I might not make it through the weekend, and if I did I might have to deal with having bowel cancer. I was grief stricken thinking of having to tell my girls that they would have to grow up without me and sad to know I would not be here to see them graduate or get married. I was scared, I prayed, I resigned myself to death, and then panicked and got scared all over again. It was like going through the stages of death and dying all at once! Its hard to because I go through it all alone. I don't tell my husband that much about it anymore because he just rolls his eyes. I don't blame him; he probably got tired of my worries which to an outsider seem ridiculous. So anyways, I usually just search through online information, which I probably shouldn't do since it always scares me. I did call the Nurseline yesterday, which is something I try not to do, since it gets charted and a report is sent to Dr. Sean. If I called the Nurseline everytime I have a concern he would get all these reports, and then he would probably never take me seriously again. But I AM proud of myself that I didnt go to the ER last night. The Web MD site was telling me that a bowel obstruction was a medical emergency and I had all the symptoms and I REALLY was scared and want to go in, but I just talked to myself and said "Lisa, it's just going to be like all the other times you went in and nothing was wrong with you and the staff was annoyed and you were embarassed.". So I stayed home, I was so stressed out that I ate some pizza and gumdrops that I wasn't even hungry for. Not the best choice if I really had an obstruction. Luckily I discovered this morning that my bowel wasn't obstructed (not going to go into details but I think you all know what I mean!). But then in church I found a sore spot in my leg and I started thinking I had DVT and I started to panic and had a hard time focusing on the sermon. But I made it home ok and my leg feels better now.

Ok, seriously, as long as I am on this earth and have a body I am going to have physical sensations and discomforts. How can I manage if everytime I feel a twinge it sends me on a rollercoaster of fear and despair? Is this the "new thing" now, now that my ED is mostly under control. Let me explain my history briefly: I started therapy at 11-12 years old because I was having horrible panic attacks which mostly centered around me whole-heartedly believing my mother was dead whenever she went somewhere. I would cry, scream, go crazy with grief, sometimes be so upset I would vomit. Then she would come home and I would cling to her and cry, so happy she was alive. This was exhausting for me and my family. My mom never felt like she could go anywhere. I would sit in school all day worrying about if my mom had plans to go anywhere that evening. Prior to her going anywhere, I was in my "logical state" and I knew that the evening would end with her coming home safely. I just dreaded the panic that would take over once she left. And of course, once I was in the middle of it, no logical reasoning, not pointing out past examples, could bring me out of the terror I was in and make me believe she was safe and alive.
So anyway, when I was 13 I had about 6 months where I developed anorexia, and the panic disorder seemed to leave a suddenly as it started. But under the direction of my therapist and psychiatrist, I discontinued the ED behavior (I was still a good little girl). That was when I developed OCD. Checking to make sure everything in the house was unplugged and the stove and furnace were off before I could sleep (and getting up to check again and again). Turning around to go back home to make sure the house wasn't on fire. And one that is kind of funny : I could never sleep with underwear on because I was convinced that somehow the underwear would work its way up around my neck and strangle me as I slept :). Anyways, this went on until I was around 16-17, when I again developed anorexia and then a year later, bulimia. and It has been the ED ever since. A year and a half ago I tackled the anorexia on my own (not in a hospital) and have maintained a healthy weight since then. And the past 6 months have seen a decrease and finally an end to the purging. I still have poor body image, and I have some ed thoughts, but this is the most recovered I have ever been. I'm finally starting to feel normal.

And now this.

Just to clarify, I didn't one day say "oh I think I'll stop the OCD and become anorexic now" or switch between anxiety symptoms on purpose or anything like that. In fact, I didn't even notice in happening until my mid 20's when I realised that durring periods of ED recovery my anxiety was worse. Then I looked back and discovered the pattern.
My personal theory is that I used my ED to control my anxiety without realizing it. For some reason, engaging in ED behaviors had a calming effect on me, and when I was not in my ED I felt anxious and out of control.

It's discouraging to realize that I might always have to deal with my anxiety disorder. Some forms of anxiety I can handle better than others. This "health anxiety" though, its awful. It really, really sucks. It is almost as bad as thinking my mom is dead. I think the worst part is "knowing" my girls will have to lose their mom and thinking about them. I said "knowing" because when I am going through it, it really is that real.

Ok I have gone on long enough. If you have made it this far, congratulations. Actually if you have made it this far, thank you, because it means I am not alone. I'm really not sure what the point of this post was. It just kind of took on a life of its own. I think I meant to ask advice, before I got sidetracked on my history and stuff. I think I went off about my history so you would understand what I meant by "the new thing".

Have any of you ever obsessed about your health to the point where you were convinced you were dying? Was there anything that helped?

XOLisa

stcuk in the past part 2

2010-09-30T12:25:00.000-07:00

Thank you thank you thank you for the supportive comments on my last post! I am feeling a bit better today. I was just getting really overwhelmed with emotions and memories so I just had to cut that post short. There is so much more inside me, but I could probably write all day and never get it out. I thought that writing about it would help me feel better but instead it just drew me back into that mental space that I was trying to escape. I turned off my computer and tried to shake it off, but I couldn't. I felt anxious, scared, like an oppressive black cloud of impending doom was hanging over my head. I kept having to remind myself that everything is ok. "this is the NOW, Lisa, and you are here, safe in your apartment, healthy and strong and free. Everything is ok". Still, I felt shaky. I found myself alternating between getting teary-eyed with a choking feeling in my throat, and a rage that made me want to scream and fight and destroy everything in the room.
My girls got home from school and I tried to tune in to them but I was distracted, still playing the old scenes over and over in my mind. Still stuck in the past. I felt a little desperate, worse than I have felt in awhile (a Xanax would have been very nice). I really, really wished that I could call my therapist and talk to her, but that is not the policy of the group she belongs to. I wanted my husband, but this was a day when he didn't get off school until 6pm. Fortunately, I was able to recognise that I was in danger of being in crisis, I was on my own with the girls until Chris got home, and I needed to do something to distract and fill the hours until then. Then I remembered a day last fall, when I was severly depressed and had just left a difficult therapy session and had to make it through the rest of the afternoon. It was a nice day and I took the girls to Ledges state park, and we ended up having fun. I remember that.
SO that is what I decided to do yesterday. It was actually in the low 80's, a perfect indian summer day. I took Emma and Annie to Ledges and they had so much fun splashing in the water and I just relaxed and listened to the wind and the leaves. I felt happy, calm, and strong. I felt like a survivor, not just of the things I have been through, but a survivor of the memories. It felt really great to know that I could feel on the verge of a crisis, and draw on my strength and resources to deal with it and get through it. I'm not saying I can always do that, but yesterday I did.
A perfect fall day!

The girls in the creek.

This poor snake that we caught and harrassed before we let him go. We caught a few frogs, too.

The girls, walking back up the road to the car. It was a looooong walk. They both slept good last night!

Feeling better! Thank you again so much for the support! It was nice to hear from people who don't usually comment (and of course those of you who do!)!

And was that you, Sylvia???? Do you finally have a blog?????

XOLisa

stuck in the past

2010-09-29T10:57:00.000-07:00

There is a spot in my brain where I like to keep things that I don't like to think about or remember. I visualise it as sort of a Pandora's box or maybe more like a closet full of junk. You know, a closet so full that if you opened the door you would end up in an avalanche of junk. So you just don't open it.
Once in awhile something happens to remind me of all this crap I try not to think about and then it comes back full force and consumes my mind until I can get it back under control. Some things that we talked about in my NAMI group this monday, and in the writer's group yesterday, unleashed my "treatment baggage". I'm referring to memories of experiences I had as a patient in the UIHC ED program. Treatment which was, ironically, supposed to help me. I was there 6 times, mostly involuntarily, 3 times dragged in in handcuffs by the sherriff. I try so hard not to think about it. The things they said to me. All the little insults, the mind games, the humiliations, hours of boredom alternating with anxiety alternating with anger. Feeling threatened, poweless. Forced to take medications I didn't want, accused of things I didn't do. Doctors and social workers talking about me right in front of me as if I wasn't even there. Having no say, no voice. Having to play their game, never winning no matter what I did.
Example: the last (LAST!) time I was there, in 07, I was on weight gain and for some reason, just a few pounds short of my target weight, I stopped gaining. The doctor couldn't figure out why, so he was convinced that it must be something I was doing. Never mind that I was well inside what would be a normal weight range for my height. Never mind that I was soaking my sheets in sweat every night from being in a hypermetabolic state. So the Team called me into the interview room and told me that they knew I was doing "something" and wanted me to confess, because they were going to catch me anyway. I told them the truth, that I wasn't doing anything wrong, no purging, because I wanted to gain the weight just as badly as they wanted me to (because I wanted the hell out of there). I even asked them to give me more food (I was already on a 3500 cal plan)! I wanted to prove to them that I could do it. But they said no, because "a calorie increase won't make any difference until you stop what ever behavior you are doing to keep from gaining weight". I broke down crying, frustrated, angry. Angry at them for not believing me, angry at my stupid body for not gaining weight. Helpless.
Then they said "we would like to put you back on 24 hour observation. This will be an opportunity for you to prove that you are telling the truth.". I said "fine", because I had nothing to hide, although I was sad to have lost the priviledges I had earned. Sitting in the tiny dayroom all day sucks. Having to find someone to take you to the bathroom and watch you pee sucks. But whatever. At least I could prove my innocence.
But when I got to the dayroom, I realised I was screwed. I still needed and wanted to gain weight so I could go home. But if my body got over this "metabolic hump" now, after I was put on obsevation, it would incriminate me. To the team, it would confirm their suspicion that I was purging when I was off observation. I was in a catch 22 situation. I felt angry, helpless, sad, and scared. I even felt guilty, not because I was doing anything wrong, but because I knew they thought I was a liar, dishonest, manipulative.
They started having lab draw my amylase levels daily, to look for signs of purging. My amylase continued to be normal. But shortly after being put on observation I started to gain weight. They never brought it up again, but I knew what they thought. One day after I was transferred to partial I got into an argument with a nurse there, and she threw out a comment about how I was purging in inpatient. I was furious and set her straight but she said "I 'm only going off of what is in your chart".
After I got home, my therapist showed me portions of my chart that were sent to him. It said "when confronted, patient denied purging or other compensatory behaviors. Cognitive techniques were applied without success" and then blah blah blah reccommend 24 hour observation blah blah blah, with a few blurbs thrown in about how the nurses are sure I'm purging in the shower but no one has caught me at it. It was just so infuriating to hear all the things they wrote about me, and wondering what it is about me that comes off as so awful or sneaky or manipulative that they couldn't just believe me?

This is just one incident of many. I remember the first meal, the first time I was there at age 19. I ran out of time so they put me out in the hall with my tray, where I could either finish it or sit there with it until I did. I remember crying silently, overwhelmed, facing more food that I had eaten in a long time, wishing someone would come put their arm around me and help me through it. And Dr. A coming down the hall, followed by a handfull of residents and med students. Dr A, head of the program, who is supposed to be a national expert on eating disorders.
Someone who could help. He came to a stop with his entourage, looked down at me, and said "what is this, 19 going on 2?". I felt humiliated and wanted to disappear into a puddle right there. That was how I met Dr. A. This man, who was in a position where he could have done so much good, has caused me so much damage by his treatment of me over the years. The very last conversation I ever had with him he looked me in the eye and told me that he was convinced I didn't love my girls. I was shocked, sickened, I opened my mouth to protest and he cut me off by saying "no, no, nothing you say can make me believe otherwise. No amount of fancy verbal footwork can convince me.". Well, what do you day to that. I stayed silent, vowing to never speak to him again. I would never allow him to hurt me again, because I would never come to his program again, not even if I were dying. And I havent.
I have to quit now. I will do a part 2 on this post later. I feel like I need to breathe.

new furniture, same old insurance bs

2010-09-24T07:59:00.000-07:00

Hmm, I figured it was time for another post. Just not sure what to say.

We are all moved back to our new apartment and I must say it is FABULOUS! Everything is new, the carpets, the kitchen, the furniture. Our new mattress is so freaking comfortable, which is kind of a bad thing, because it just makes it harder to get out of bed in the morning. For the first couple of days it felt kind of weird, but now it feels like home I guess.
It started to rain last saturday and rained every day until today. Yesterday I was watching the puddles increase in size and felt very stressed out, worrying about flooding. I just dont think I have it in me to do all this again, so soon. But today it is dry and the sun is shining, so it ok.

Chris told me the other day that he was suprised by how I have handled this whole flood thing. He thinks I even handled it better than he did! It was nice to have someone notice my herculean effort not to have a total nervous breakdown. I'm not used to being complimented on my inner strength!

I'm not taking Lexapro anymore because I started having symptoms of seratonin syndrome. I think what I want to do is get off the Pristiq and then start taking Lexapro again. I see Dr Sean next week so hopefully he will be ok with that. I still like Dr Sean, but I am starting to think maybe I need to see an actual psychiatrist. Maybe I will try again to find one. I dont know...

I went to a legislative forum on mental health the other night. There were candidates and incumbants there (county supervisors, senators, representatives) and they were asked questions and each got a chance to respond. Most of the questions were about county funding for mental health programs. Alot of the answers seemed rehearsed, or like political bs, just bashing the other party. So that was kind of lame. But what interested me was one senator talking about the mental health parity law that was passed and he mentioned that substance abuse and EATING DISORDERS were excluded! Mental health parity means that insurance companies would be required to pay the same amount for mental health treatments as they would for other illnesses like cancer or diabetes. I couldnt believe that eating disorders would be excluded from this, since they are the most deadly or all psychiatric disorders! So after the forum I approached the senator and asked him why ED's were excluded and he said basically it was the pressure from insurance companies. I dont know how it all works whan you are tying to pass a law, but from what he said it sounded like they were just trying to get the law through and they had to make some comprimises to get it passed and this was one of them. It just makes me so mad, that insurance companies can influence lawmakers like that! So messed up....
Anyways the senator started asking me about myself (probably because he wanted me to think he cares so I would vote for him, duh) and I told him a little about my story and about the lack of ED treatment in Iowa and he seemed really suprised that there were no programs around here. I told him about how Covenant had one but it closed, and Lutheran had one but it closed. I told him about how its not only hard to find good care, but also to get insurance to pay for it. I told him that usually you have to get so sick that you need to be admitted on a medical basis, and then once you are stable insurance stops covering, so you get discharged before you are ready, and the cycle starts over. When someone with an ED is denied good treatment, the result is usually multiple ER visits and acute psych or med admissions. In the long run, it can be even more expensive than the treatment center would be! When will insurance companies wake up and see this!
Ok I am done whining about that. Actually it is 10:30 in the am, which means I should probably make a move to get out of my jammies and start my day ;)

Love you all!

look another post!

2010-09-15T07:16:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling pretty good right now. Dr. Sean added Lexapro to my Pristiq-buspar-trazodone combo, and it has really helped with my mood. I have always liked Lexapro but my problem with it is that it stops working after awhile and the dose has to be raised and eventually I cant raise it anymore. The last time I was on it I got up to 60mgs (I think the highest FDA approved dose is 40mgs) and I got seratonin syndrome and started twitching. So that was no good.

I booked a party for Emma's 9th birthday at one of those paint-your-own-pottery places and I am hoping that all of the girls we invited will come, because it was mucho expensive and I have to pay for each spot, whether they show up or not. So keep your fingers crossed for us!

We might get to move back to our apartment this weekend. More on that later.

So here is something I am really excited about. I have been going to NAMI meetings and really like it. I am hoping to get more involved and then take the Peer Support training to become a Peer Support Specialist. Some of them even get paid! See, I have always said that even though I dont have a degree in psychology or social work my life experiences should count for something! I really want to be an advocate and a support for people because especially in this part of the country it seems like there are not alot of services to empower people with mental illness and it is easy to find yourself in a situation where you have no rights and noone is looking out for YOU! One thing I heard someone talk about at the last NAMI meeting I was at is "Nothing About Me, Without ME" which basically means that wherever possible, the "patient" should be included is meetings between doctors/case workers/ect. I really liked that. I mean seriously, if you were a cancer patient, your doctor wouldn't walk in and say "well I discussed treatment X with the nurse and had the social worker call your insurance to approve it and we are going to start it today (whether you like it or not). But stuff like this happens all the time to psychiatric patients in all sorts of settings.

Another awesome thing going on is I have started going to a NAMI writer's group led by two ISU grad students. It is like a real writer's class and I really like it! I am hoping it will get me out of the writer's block I have going on. For years I have wanted to write a book. I just feel a book in me. I finally put pencil to paper this summer and wrote what I thought was a very good first chapter, but since then I haven't been able to write anything. So we'll see where it goes.

Well that is about it.

P.S. Annie is watching me type this and she said "It looks borring. No kids stuff.".

FEMA, furniture, ED, and stuff

2010-09-12T12:13:00.000-07:00

Grrr I am at my inlaws and their internet is appallingly slow. I have nearly given up on posting but I guess since the page finally loaded I will give it a shot....

We still are not back home (my apartment flooded last month) but hopefully at the end of this week we can start moving some things in. On the bright side, we got a huge FEMA check! For those of you who aren't familiar with FEMA, it is the Federal Emergency Management Agency. It helps people out who have been affected by disasters and thigs like that. Anyways, I got to go furniture shopping in a real live furniture store (not Wal-Mart, Garage sale, or thrift shop) and get new furniture, which is something I have never done before. I think up until now, all of my furniture has been used, or cheap, like the kind you have to assemble at home. And there is nothing wrong with that. I am a thrifty person and I think if I can find something that is cheap and looks nice, why not? But one of the FEMA rules is that you HAVE to spend the money on replacing your stuff (like, you cant go to Disney with it or spend it on lipo *sigh*), and they gave us alot of money. So there it is. I guess there are some upsides to what has happened. There was a list of "luxury items" we were not allowed to spend the money on and I was amused to see that VCR's were on it. VCR? Really, FEMA? I dont think a VCR was considered a luxury item since 1990....

I am still doing pretty good with the eating disorder. I realised that I only purged one time this whole summer! That is, like, really good. I went out for pizza at Old Chicago last night with some family and was just fine. Pizza was always a big problem for me. It was one of those foods I only ate when I was bingeing, or else not at all. The concept of just eating a slice or two of pizza and not having a total nervous breakdown over it used to be so foriegn to me. I'm just amazed to be doing so well after all those years of struggle. It kind of blows my mind.

To be honest, sometimes I feel conflicted about recovery. I read about people who aren't doing so well and are in the hospital and I feel bad for them but I also sometimes miss being in the hospital (well, certain ones anyway). Like, someone is always there to listen to you and you get taken care of and you dont have to worry about normal day to day responsibilities. Sometimes I miss the days when all my decisions boiled down to "well, will I eat today or not?". I miss people worrying about me, and asking if I am ok. I feel like the healthier I get, the more people back away. Like "look at how good Lisa is doing, she can handle things on her own now". I want a big effing shirt that says "I May Look Healthy, But I'm Not Ok!". I still hurt. I'm still overwhelmed. I still struggle with depression and anxiety, prehaps even more so now that I dont use my ED to cope.

But I don't think relapse is the answer for me. Even though sometimes the ED "looks good", I'm sure my thinking is along those lines of the grass always being greener on the other side. As those of you who are struggling can tell, eating disorders are hell.
I think I just need to be more vocal. I need to let people know when I need help. How will people know I am not ok unless I say something? I used to rely on my eating disorder to "say it" for me. It's time for me to speak up.

not really an update

2010-08-28T18:46:00.000-07:00

still here, under alot of stress, possibly losing my mind......

I just want to go home....might be three more weeks (its been two weeks and 5 days already)...

can't get in to see my therapist until Sept 14th.....

spent a gob of money staying at a hotel and going to Adventureland amusement park this weekend (but we needed the distraction)....

still eating well and not purging.....

the girls have been acting up (due to stress) and I don't have the patience....

do you think I can spend FEMA money on an eyelift?

did I mention I am losing my mind..........

2010-08-15T13:20:00.000-07:00

I'm really sorry I've been so bad about commenting the past few days. Things are just so crazy here. I have pretty much only been able to check blogs once a day and then I just scan to see how everyone is doing but dont have time to comment, which I hate. But I AM thinking about you all. I know some of you are struggling, some of you are in the hospital, some are just hanging on at home. There are a few of you that I am terribly worried about and praying for, and if you are wondering if I mean you than I probably do! And I am cheering for those of you who are kicking butt also! There are so many things I want to say to each and every one of you and I hope soon I will get the chance. Mostly I want to thank you, THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart for all the love and support!

I may be quit on here for a little while because I have so much flood recovery work to do. Even when I get a few free moments, I really need to spend them with my girls, because they are having a hard time and need all the love and attention I can give them. But I will still check in on blogs and hopefully will be back writing and commenting soon!

XOXO Lisa

Hello Hello!

2010-08-13T04:20:00.000-07:00

Wow, I'm touched by all your comments! Thank you all so much, it really means alot to know that so many of you care!

I don't have time for a long post but I wanted to quickly share my good news. First: my car is fine! The guys at the auto repair shop put it up on one of those lift thingys before the flood came, so it was high and dry! Yay! Fortunately the repair that it needed was not major so it can wait. I have my car back!
Also, the water went down and I got to get back in our apartment and was amazed by what I saw. Sometime in the night tues after we had evacuated but before the flood hit, our landlords came into our apartment and put everything they could up on counters and beds and tables. They took the books off the shelves and put them up. they saved our cd's, movies, electronics. They pulled drawers out of dressers and put them on our bed. NEARLY ALL OF THE GIRLS TOYS WERE SAFELY ON THE TOP BUNK! I think this is what hit me the hardest. On Wed night as the girls went to bed they were asking me about specific toys and if they were flooded, and I sadly told them that they most likely were, because I knew all that stuff was on the floor in the closet. But yesterday I saw every special thing they asked about: Emma's stuffed horse she got for Christmas, Annies hopscotch she got for her birthday, the school bags and supplies. I guess this meant the most to me because I can handle losing my things, but it was breaking my heart to to see the sad faces on my children. I am filled with overwhelming grattitude for Jim and Lisa, our landlords, for everything they did. I don't even know how to begin to thank them.
And I feel guilty, too, because this is stuff that we could have and should have done before we left. But I didn't do it because I was so stressed out when we left and just focused on essential, and Chris didn't do it because he didnt even think it would flood, and he was mad that I was waking up the kids and making us go to a hotel at 11 oclock at night in the rain (and yes, I have refrained from saying "I told you so"). But really, we should have been the ones putting everything up, but we didnt. But I am so glad that they did.
So we have lost our furniture and some other things, but we have alot more than I thought we did. Now I have the massive task of sorting through a truckload of things and washing things and storing them. This trailor full of our stuff that Chris and his friends got out of our apartment yesterday looks like something from the show "hoarders" and I feel a bit overwhelmed. But I know I will get through it bit by bit and I'm sure I will have help. We are staying with some really nice friends from Chris' church who have just been great and they said we can stay as long as we need to.
Wow this turned out to be a long post. I hope you could follow it. I really just wanted to thank you for the support and say that we are doing "Ok".

XO Lisa

today is not my favorite day....

2010-08-11T14:52:00.000-07:00

Ames (city I live in) has flooded and their is several feet of nasty brown water in our apartment. Also, my lovely car is at the shop, which is flooded. So I am assuming it is toast. So we are stuck with Chris's piece of crap car and a few clothes in a suitcase.

I don't know how long it will be before we can go back to live there. Fortunately we have some friends we are staying with and the animals are ok and I was able to get the girls some clothes from the goodwill. But our suck-ass renters insurance doesnt cover flooding so I'm not sure about what we are going to do about the rest of it.

We just went back to school shopping and packed all the things into my girls' backpacks yesterday. I keep thinking about those school supplies. I can't remember where I put them; if the backpacks are hanging up or not. But then I realized, where will we even be living when school starts next week? How am I going to slove all these problems? One at a time, I guess.

We have alot of support from Chris' church, and I know we will be ok. It just might be hairy for a bit.

Thank you so much Zena (the struggle within) for your kind words. It really means alot that you are thinking of me even with all you are going through.

I have to go but I will post later.

life grinds on...

2010-08-06T16:15:00.000-07:00

I have been pretty bad at posting lately...guess I just haven't had much to say. I have been going through some worse-than-usual depression and anxiety and have just sort of been holding everything together. My motivation for recovery is pretty low right now, and it seems like everything hurts, but I keep soldiering on.

I have been feeling a bit lonely and isolated lately. I love everyone here in the blogging community, and the support I have recieved here has been wonderful. But sometimes I just want to pick up the phone and talk to someone. So the other day I went to a NAMI meeting, which is something I have been meaning to do for a long time. It was ok I guess. It just felt really good to be around people who understand me and I can be myself around. I think I will go back.

I am glad Cammy and I Hate To Weight are posting again...I missed you guys!

summer evening

2010-07-29T19:22:00.000-07:00

We have these bugs in the midwest called cicadas (maybe some people call them locusts). In the late afternoon/early evening this time of year they start buzzing in the trees. Loudly. It's a noise that gets loud then quiet then loud then quit, kind of like a police siren. I hate this noise. It is something I associate with hot summer nights, the sun going down, and tensions rising.
Growing up, evening was a dangerous time in my house. My dad drank most of the day, and by evening he would usually be really drunk, and my mom would be really mad. Either that, or he would be out with his friends, having been due back hours ago, and my mom would be pacing around the house, getting madder and madder, waiting for him to come home. Either way, a fight was brewing. As a kid, I might not know exactly what the fight was about, but I could feel it coming, like a summer storm.
My parents had horrible fights. They screamed and yelled at eachother, the most awful, hurtful things. Listening from my bedroom upstairs I couldnt always here exactly what they were saying, but I could hear the yelling, and it scared the crap out of me. It sounded like they were going to kill eachother. They didn't hit eachother, but I'm pretty sure they threw things around, because there would be crashes that shook our whole house and left me terrified, straining to hear voices again so I would at least know everyone was still alive. It was even so bad one time that the neighbors came over to make sure everyone was ok. My parents were embarassed and stopped fighting, for that evening. I wished the neighbors would come by every night.
One night durring a really bad fight, there was a loud crash that made my brother and sister and I jump out of bed a run to the top of the stairs. All three of us burst out crying when we saw my dad pinning my mom down on the floor next to a large chair that had been overturned. Mom and Dad immediately got up and came and put us back to bed, telling us how sorry they were and assuring us that everything would be alright. Every night after that, when they put us in bed, we would say "Good night, don't fight!". It was like a magic charm that we desperately needed to work. It did, for a little while.
As a child, I lived with a particular burden. It was the feeling that I was "responsible". Not that I was the reason for the fighting. More like, I had to watch out, because for some reason I felt I had to monitor the fights to make sure no one got hurt. When I was supposed to be in bed I would creep to the top of the stairs to listen. As awful as it was to hear the yelling and harsh words I had to listen, had to sit up there and hear the entire fight, when I should have been in bed with my covers pulled up over my head to block it out. Because if I wasn't listening, if I wasn't there to make sure they didn't go to far, then anything might happen. So I sat up there, night after night, insides twisting to knots, waiting for it to end. Sometimes the fight would end with the door slamming hard and my dad leaving, then silence, and I would wonder, did he kill her? So I would have to go check, I would creep downstairs to find my mother, crying in the dark.

I'm not writing about this to say "look, see what a crappy childhood I had". Cause I know alot of people had it alot worse. That's not my point at all. Mostly, its just been on my mind alot. I think its why I get more anxious in the evening. I feel lost and scared, like something bad is going to happen. Have you ever felt nostalgic, but not in a good way? That's the way I feel when I hear the cicadas.

I'm glad Chris and I don't yell at eachother. We don't even really fight. We argue sometimes, but we don't raise our voices or call eachother names. We just...disagree.

well hello there

2010-07-27T11:28:00.000-07:00

Hmm I haven't blogged in like a week, which is kind of a long time for me. I guess there hasn't been alot going on. Well, actually there has been alot going on, but I just don't know what to say about it or express it.

It seem like when I was struggling more with eating disorder symptoms, it was easier to blog about it. Like, asking for help/suggestions to stop purging, or bemoaning recent weight gain or loss. I feel like all my struggles now are internal and it's harder to get them out on paper (or computer screen).

Mostly, I am worrying alot. I worry about my health. Some days I am sure I have bladder cancer, or an autoimmune disease, or my heart is failing. I am nervous to have my regular appointment with Dr. Sean this friday because he will see in my chart that I have recently been to one of his partners in the clinic, also the urgent care, and the ER. All with a diagnosis of: nothing. And I will feel stupid.

I know there is something wrong with me, though. I know it! I'm tired all the time. I wake up every night drenched in sweat. I have a constant earache/sore throat. I have periods of time nearly every day where my heart beats irregularly for like 15-20 mins.

But it's hard to sort out the physical symptoms from the psychological ones. Am I dizzy because I'm having a panic attack or a heart attack? Is my heart really skipping beats, or is my mind playing tricks on me?

I have restricted myself for the time being from looking up medical stuff on the web, which has helped a bit.

Crap, I'm tired now. I meant to blog a bit about some other stuff but maybe I'll do that later.

Funnel cake is the DEVIL

2010-07-18T20:57:00.000-07:00

I am so sick. Soooooooo sick.

Never, not ever, will I eat funnel cake again. EVER.

I was wrong, Bananas. So wrong. Funnel cake will not make you happy. Funnel cake will steal all your happiness and leave you curled up in agony, begging for death (or at least some Gas-X).

Funnel cake is baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

me and my awesomeness....

2010-07-16T07:42:00.000-07:00

Let's examine the evidence, shall we?

1. Yesterday I lost my balance and tripped, nearly falling flat on my face. I stuck my hands out in front of me just in time to stop my face from hitting the floor, and jammed my right arm pretty bad. It hurt for the rest of the day. What awesome feat on balance and coordination was I attempting when this occured, you ask? I was putting on my underwear. Oh yeah.

2. I got these "Smooth Away" pads that are supposed to buff away unwanted hair. So I was going to town on my upper lip, and I must say I got it pretty smooth and hairless, but within ten minutes it was bright red and burning. I woke up the next morning with a nasty scap across my upper lip that lasted a few days. I was at the doctor yesterday and she asked me "so what are you doing for that cold sore?" and I had to explain to her that it was a self-inflicted wound, the result of grooming gone awry. Good times.

3. I decided to be a little bit naughty and leave Chris a seductive "heavy breathing" message on his phone yesterday while he was at school. He called me about an hour later, sounding worried, and asked me if I had heard from his parents, because he got a strange message from them. For some reason his phone told him the message was from them. Totally not my fault. But I had to explain that it was just me trying to be sexy, and by then the effect was lost. Oh well, I tried.

sigh

buspar

2010-07-11T19:51:00.000-07:00

Anyone out there ever take Buspar? I started taking it (again) two months ago and I think it is making me gain weight. The thing is, it's not supposed to cause weight gain or have side effects of any sort, really.
I want to stop taking it, to see if that is what is causing the weight gain. It isn't really helping my anxiety anyways. But I don't want to my doctor to think I am non-compliant.

Crap, I don't know what to do. Only just a month ago I was feeling like I was too thin. Now I feel like Jabba the Hut. Can't i ever be "just right"?

Tell me what you think about the buspar...

"does this hemoglobin make my butt look big?"

2010-07-07T08:47:00.000-07:00

I discovered that my ED is not really dead. The thoughts are still there, lurking.

Yesterday I had my hemoglobin checked, because I have been feeling weak and anemic. I usually am slightly anemic, but I wanted to find out if it had gotten worse. So I was suprised when the nurse told me it was a 12, which is within normal range. Following the suprise, I immediately felt...disappointed? Embarassed?

Fat?

Yes, ridiculous as it sounds, having a normal hemoglobin level made me feel fat. You know how anorexics commonly confuse "healthy" with "fat"? For example:

Well-meaning person: "Gee, Lisa, you are looking so healthy!"
Me: "your MOM's healthy."

Ok no I wouldn't really say that. But you get what I mean. To someone with an ED, "healthy" isn't always a compliment.

I have the same thing with my blood pressure. I have hereditary low blood pressure, and combine that with the ED my blood pressure was like crazy low. In a sick way I guess I felt a little proud of it and whenever I was in the hospital I wouls always listen as everyone was getting their bp's taken to make sure mine was the lowest, or at least in the bottom three. I know, right? Whatever gets you through the day, I guess. Inevitably as I would start to restore weight and get hydrated my bp would rise and I would fall into a bit of a funk as I realized that I wasn't "sick" anymore. Without an acute illness to define myself by, I didn't feel special or important.

I still feel that way a little bit sometimes. But I have to tell myself that what makes me special and important is not the ability to starve myself, or throw up my food. I am special because I am human, an individual, someone with many talents and abilities. I have the ability to grow, change, love, and be loved. I am important to many people, but especially my girls, to then I am the whole world.

Why did I , at such a young age, buy into the belief that my worth could be measured by weights or numbers or lab reults? Why did I cling to it for so long?

So yes, I still do have the thoughts. They pop in and out. But I don't act on them anymore. Mostly I just ignore them. Sometimes I ponder them.

And sometimes, they make me laugh.

update I guess

2010-07-04T14:33:00.000-07:00

First of all, I have to say that blogger is being a turd. I have new blogs that I want to add to my blogroll, and I cant seem to figure out how to do that. I was looking for "customize" but it seems to have disappeared, or been replaced by something new that I haven't figured out yet. So if you have any tips, let me know.

Ok, now to whine on about my health. The costochondritis is still hurting like mad. I was taking naproxin around the clock, but it has stopped helping , so today I am experimenting on going without. I worry about the prescription NSAIDS combined with the Pristiq (they both can cause internal bleeds). My pharmacist said its ok for the short term, but I still worry.
I also have been having bouts of weakness/extreme fatigue, shaking, sweats, and nausea. Also I have been having night sweats, which is kind of gross. I have know idea what is going on here, but it is really freaking me out. I didn't go to church today because I was afraid I would be too weak to drive back. I am wondering if maybe I am more anemic than usual? We grilled hamburgers for dinner last night, and I am cooking a roast for tonight. Thank goodness things are going well with eating- who knows how I would handle all this if I was restricting or purging!

I just want to feel good, dammit! All the years of not taking care of myself and feeling weak and crappy....now I'm eating and still feel like crap! Grrr.

It has been raining here all day and I am secretly relieved that fireworks may be cancelled, because I don't like to be out late. I am such an old lady! I got Annie all dressed up in her raincoat and boots and we went out for a walk in the rain a little bit ago. She was very cute! Emma is at her dad's but she will be home tonight. I really want to feel better because I want to take the girls camping again! We had so much fun! I am sick of hearing myself say "not right now, mommy doesn't feel well...".

My therapist is still out....and I didn't get that appointment I mentioned after all...so I still don't see her until the 12th. Fortunately my depression has been ok. My biggest mental health concern right now is the anxiety over what is going on with me physically.

I had a dream last night that I was in ED treatment. I have those once in awhile. I think it was brought on by me worrying about people I know who are struggling. Whether it is someone I know from "real life" or online, I care deeply about everyone I have met who struggles with eating disorders because I feel like we share a common bond. I wish so much that there was something I could say to someone that could help them, or give them hope. I try to think of what helped me, but I can't pinpoint it to any one thing. I still don't know why some people get well and some people don't. There were certainly many years when I thought I never would. I still don't consider myself completely recovered, alot of the thought are still there, but symptoms-wise I seem to have kicked it. But even doing as well as I am, I still believe I could relapse. I still feel it in me.

I don't know, I guess I am rambling now. I just hope everyone has a nice 4th and keep on fighting, whatever your battle is, because you are worth it!

camping

2010-06-29T07:41:00.000-07:00

Finall, I have the energy for another post! Can you believe I am still recovering from the camping trip? Seriously, I am getting so old...

Here's the girls on their floaties. We swam for hours (well, they did anyway)!
Emma is my Sneaky Sea Monster!
Here they are roasting marshmallows....

Here is my perfect s'more!

Here is this dumbass turtle we caught. Actually, I caught it several times. I kept letting it go and it kept coming back for more!

We also caught two crawdads, ten toads, and dozens of minnows. Harassing the wildlife was the main form of entertainment (other than swimming). We also caught fireflys and kept them in a bugcatcher in our tent at night but they wouldn't light up, lazy things!

We had a beautiful moon!

The girls, waiting for mom to get up.

And this is me on the last morning. Scarier than anything you'll find in those woods!

p.s. blogger's being stupid so if you want to leave a comment you have to scroll way down.

hello

I love costochondritis

2010-06-26T08:03:00.000-07:00

I think I have whined a little bit in a previous post about my chest pain that I have been having for a few weeks. At first I thought it was heartburn, so I have been taking prilosec, but the pain has only been getting worse. The past week it has been constant. I have just been biding my time until my doctors appointment next week, worrying about what could be causing such pain in my chest. I have imagined esophageal cancer, lung cancer, some kind of heart condition, ect.. I have been heavy hearted, thinking about my kids growing up without a mom, wondering why I have wasted so much of my life focused on food and weight, and not experiencing life and valuing my family more.
So anyways, I took the girls on an impromptu camping trip on wed. it was lots of fun (I will write a post about it and include pics) but it seemed like the exertion made the pain worse. On the way home yesterday I was in so much pain that I thought I was going to be sick. I was really scared, thinking I was having some sort of medical emergency. When we got home I had Chris drive me to the dr's.. I felt really bad for the girls, they were so tired from camping and just wanted to rest, but they had to come hang out in the waiting room while I was examined, had a chest x ray and ekg. I was so scared.
The Dr. came in and told me that my heart and lungs were fine. He is diagnosed me with costochondritis, which is an inflamation of the cartilage around the ribs and sternum. It is very painful but NOT dangerous and usually resolves itself in a couple of weeks. He said it is most common in women 20-40 for some reason and usually has no known cause, but sometimes is brought on by chest trauma. Rest helps, and exertion makes it worse (gee, 3 days of camping, hauling gear, doing everything myself since Chris couldn't come, no wonder I was in so much pain yeasterday!). So I am going to take it easy and take the naproxin the dr gave me, which has already started to help.

So back to the title of the post: I love costochondritis because it means that I don't have all of the terrible things I was imagining, I don't have to start planning my funeral, I WILL LIVE! But this whole thing has made me think about how no one is guaranteed one more day on this planet, and we need to hold our loved ones close and make every second count! How many years did I spend making myself sick on purpose? It's just sad.

I think maybe the last part of my eating disorder died last week. As I thought back over my life this week, my biggest regret was the time I spent in the eating disorder. I know that some day I WILL be facing death (although hopefully not for a long time) and I want to be happy with the way I lived my life.
I still have body image issues. I still struggle with depression and anxiety. But I will find a way to manage without the ED.

squirrel junk

2010-06-20T14:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday a squirrel climbed up the screen on our sliding back door. I think he was after the birdfeeder on the balcony above. He didn't seem to be bothered that Chris and Annie and I were all right there watching him.

I commented on how funny the squirrel was and Chris said "yeah, you can see his junk!". And Annie was like "what junk?" and I said "nothing, nothing" and gave Chris the evil eye. Chris was right, though. You cant tell from these pictures, but this squirrel had some huge, um, nuts.
After that I just kind of wanted him to go away and quit pressing his big hairy business up against my window.And yes, those are Easter eggs on the window. Annie made them herself and I can't throw them out yet.

ANYWAYS.......

Fast forward a few hours. We are driving to my family reunion and my aunt who is in town from Washington is sitting in the back seat next to Annie. We were chatting and I told her about the squirrel climbing up the screen and Annie said (loudly and with enthusiasm) "YEAH AND WE SAW HIS JUNK!!!!!

It. Was. Awesome.

crazytown

2010-06-18T17:09:00.000-07:00

I was reading Sairs' blog this morning and saw the picture of Indian food and I just had to have some!!!!! I wanted to go out for Indian so bad today but I am trying to save money so I decided to pull out my Indian cookbooks and make some myself. I made green chutney, Balti butter chicken, and tri-color pulao and it was SO good! I would like to cook Indian food more often but it is alot of work and I am lazy.

I do feel kind of bad right now, because after the meal I got really full and anxious and ended up purging, which is something I haven't done in almost two months. I am trying not to beat myself up over it. After all, I am still doing waaay better than I was even a few months ago. My body image just really sucks right now! It is so bad that I was even thinking about laxatives and diuretics today. But no, I wouldn't do that. I just feel so, I don't know, puffy. Sigh.

Last night I was sitting on the couch watching tv and I started to feel something weird in my abdomen that I swear felt just like a baby kicking! I started to worry that I was pregnant and then it was REAL and I just KNEW I was pregnant! I mean, that would explain everything: the heartburn, having to pee all the time, irregular period. I started to feel sick to my stomache, thinking about the baby and not being ready for another baby and worrying about the meds I'm taking. I had Chris go out and get me a pregnancy test (poor guy) and guess what, I'm not pregnant.

I don't know what the deal is with this anxiety lately. It's like it has hijacked my brain and I just am not living in reality.

My therapist did have a cancellation on the 30th so I will not have to wait so long to see her afterall, which is good.

I have a bit of a family reunion this weekend which is causing me some stress, but I don't feel up to blogging about that now. Maybe later.

feeee-eeee-eeelings

2010-06-14T17:03:00.000-07:00

I had therapy today and it sucked. Kim and I talked about my desperate need to "not feel anything". I try to maintain a sort of stasis and if anything messes with that I get major anxiety. Things I can't tolerate without major anxiety: being hot, being cold, feeling wind, any sort of ache or pain, running or splashing water, too much noise, running, feeling too hungry or too full, and, unfortunately, sex. Also clothes that don't "feel right" and sheets and blankets that are the wrong texture. Hmm, can't really think of anything else right now, but you get the picture.

I have been this way for awhile, but have only recently been able to define my anxiety and it's triggers. Things are starting to make a bit more sense to me, in term of why I have an eating disorder and more generally why i function the way that I do. I do anything to avoid feelings, both emotional and physical, because this makes me feels safe. I do not trust that I can experience feelings and handle them and not be overcome. To me, feelings are scarry and unpredictable.

I do wonder, though, why I group physical and emotional feelings together. Why do physical feelings freak me out so bad? Is it because they remind me that I have a body that I cannot control? Is it because they remind me that I exist, that I live and breathe in a world that is often threatening and unsafe?

This is some heavy stuff for me to ponder. And as it so happens, my therapist will be gone for awhile and my next appointment with her is not until June 12, which seems like an eternity.

Here's a bit of irony. As I am blogging this, my girls are watching "Care Bears: the Land Without Feelings".

why I hate the pool

2010-06-11T18:24:00.000-07:00

We got a family pass to the new aquatic center. It has waterslides, fountains, a zero-depth play area, and a lazy river. The girls are super psyched. Me, not so much. Here's why:

1. I have to wear a swimsuit. 'Nuff said.

2. At some point durring a trip to the pool, I will be either too cold or too hot. Not being the "right temperature" makes me anxious. I can't stand it.

3. I hate getting splashed! I can't stand the feeling of water hitting my skin. It makes me feel like I am being attacked and I get anxious. This is why I hate showers, but baths are ok.
There are usually alot of kids at the pool, and I end up getting splashed.

4. I get panicky in crowded places, and the pool is usually crowded. I can't stop looking at all the other people and worrying about if they are looking at me. Logically I know they aren't but I still worry about it.

Hmm, I guess that about covers it. Oh, also when I saw Dr. Sean yesterday he mentioned that he saw me at the pool, which makes me feel even more paranoid, especially since he saw me but I didn't see him.

But we did shell out for the pass, and the girls have a really great time there, so I guess I will have to suck it up.

When we were leaving the pool after our first time there, the girls were all excited and talking about their favorite parts and they asked me "mom, what was your favorite part?" and I said "the part where we left" and they just groaned. I am such a party pooper.

It's messing with me

2010-06-10T14:48:00.000-07:00

So here are the positives: I don't even remember the last time I purged. It has been several weeks. I think I have only purged two or three times since I was in the hospital, which was like 2 months ago. That's freaking awesome! And I have been eating things like pizza, ice cream, burgers, cake, ect. So it's not like I have been sticking to safe foods.

So.....why have I been losing weight? Trust me, its not my metabolism. I have never been one of those people who could just eat whatever I wanted and stay thin. I had my appointment with Dr. Sean today and he ordered some labs to check my thyroid and some other stuff. He also thought it could be anxiety, or maybe I am losing weight because I am not taking the risperdal anymore. I am going to see the Dr. again in 3 weeks.

Which brings me to the negatives: While I did not lose weight on purpose this time, it has triggered some ED thoughts. Thought #1 is that I have to lose more weight by the next time I see the Dr.. Thought #2 is that I can't gain back the weight I have lost so far. It seems that simply losing a few pounds, accidently, has given Ed a bit of a toehold in my life.

I know I need to fight these thoughts. I don't need to lose any more weight. I am still ok right now, but if I lost any more it would not be healthy. I want to have a good summer and not be sick and weak all the time. I may feel sick to my stomache most of the time from the anxiety, so it is important that when I do feel like I can eat I need to eat high energy (calorie) foods so I can stay on top of this. It is so tempting to skip meals when I don't feel like eating anyway, but the thought of my family sitting down to dinner without me is just too sad, so I just keep on forcing myself to eat. I want to be healthy. I want to get through this rough patch. Recovery is not without challenges; hopefully this is just a bump in the road.

Party on

2010-06-09T08:01:00.000-07:00

Thanks so much for the nice comments. I don't feel like such an obsessive weirdo anymore. Actually, I have not been thinking so much about Dr. Tolin the past few days because I have been thinking about Annie's birthday party non stop. First I obsessed over assembling the perfect goody bags for the kids who are coming, which included running back and forth from store to store comparing the merits of various party favors and candies. Oh, and there will be 9 kids at the party and party favors seem to only be sold in packs of 8. Nice.
Also I have been worrying about the weather because I rented a wading pool at a local park for the party. The party was supposed to be yesterday but it ended up raining so I had to move it to today, reschedule the rental, baloons, cake, and call everyone and see if they could come today instead.
Sooooo....the party is at 4:30 this afternoon and I have to pick up baloons and cake and all the food for the party and prepare soem of the food and I have therapy at 3. What the crap am I doing sitting around on the computer?????
We are grilling hamburgers aka "crabby patties", because it is a Spongebob party.

Ok ok I have to get moving. Wish me luck! I have more ED related things to talk about but they will have to wait for another post.

Have a great day!!!!!

obsess much???

2010-06-06T13:45:00.000-07:00

AArrrgh I have a serious problem.....................

So who has seen the new vh1 show "The OCD Project"? I watched it last week and ever since then I can't stop thinking about Dr. David Tolin, the doctor on the show. CAN'T FREAKIN STOP! I think about him when I wake up. I think about him when I put on my makeup. I think about him when I am making my girl's lunch. I was freaking thinking about him when while I was cleaning up Annie's puke this morning! (she had a brief stomache thing but she is fine now)

Dood, this is a problem for me. It's making me feel really guilty cause I'm, like, married, you know. But i'm not having adulterous thoughts about Dr. Tolin, or anything like that. It's more like I cant stop thinking about how carring and compassionate he is, and how good he is at what he does. Like, he is the ultimate therapist. I can't stop thinking about what it would be like if he was my therapist, and I would see him every day, and he would fix all of my problems and take care of me forever. The end.

So no, it doesn't have anything to do with sex (eww) or anything like that. Still, being married, I don't feel comfortable thinking about this guy so much. I mean, I know if Chris was thinking about another woman all the time I would be really hurt.

Plus, it kind of hurts. It hurts to think about someone all the time and know that they don't even know you exist and you will probably never even meet.

Sigh.

I'm not sure why I am obsessing about this particular tv therapist, and why now, but I have some theories. I may or may not bring this up with my therapist when I see her this week (but I will be so embarassed!). I really should nip this one in the bud though, before I find myself driving cross country in an adult diaper with a trunkful of ropes and chloroform.

One thought occurs to me, though. Dr. Tolin says that the treatment for OCD is "exposure". Sounds like he wants me to track him down and expose myself to him. That's what you heard, right?

Please please comment and let me know what you think or if you think I am a psycho or crazy or if you are also obsessed with someone famous so I won't feel so bad ok I'm done now.

something funny

2010-06-03T10:12:00.000-07:00

I saw this on Facebook today and had to share it.

"If life doesn't also give you water and sugar your lemonade is going to suck."

:)

paranoid whining

2010-06-02T18:14:00.000-07:00

All is not well in Lisa Land. The past few days I have been so stressed out about money/planning Annie's birthday party/Chris struggling in school/Chris and I not getting along/feeling lonely/my health/blah blah blah whine whine whine. It seems like I am always worrying about something and even when I am not, I have this feeling of anxiety and dread that never goes away. My therapist calls it "generalized anxiety". I call it "lack of Xanax". Ok, ok, I'm pretty much joking. I know that stuff isn't good for me. I'm just trying to cope on my own and make it through each day as it comes and especially not use my eating disorder. Sometimes this has been hard.

Like today, for instance. Today was hella stressful and I really, really wanted to purge after dinner. But I went for a walk instead. I can't remember the last time I made myself throw up, and that's the way I like it.

I kind of need to find a scale though, one of these days. My feel like I have lost some weight lately and the thing is, I haven't been trying to lose weight and have even been eating waaay more than I ever have in recovery (except when I was in IP). Plus I am super tired all the time and I still have the itchy skin. I typed my symptoms into this symptom checker thingy online and it said I could possibly have diabetes or lukemia. Ok I know this is way far-fetched but it totally freaked me out. I started imagining what it would be like for my girls to grow up without me and I got all worked up and basically I need to CHILL! The first thing I need to do is figure out if I actually have lost weight. After all, I have been praying for God to help my body image. So maybe I haven't lost weight but am just starting to see myself as I really am. Wouldn't that be nice? Anyways, after I get an accurate weight I will decide whether or not to see the doctor.

When I opened up the laptop I noticed Emma's watermelon gum is stuck to the screen. Guess who is grounded from the computer.....

this girl's life

Frank

s.o.s.

weekend with my NAMI peeps

fight night

Update Part 1: psych meds

well i did it

explaining the whole med thing

oh well then

short update/ anxiety stuff

I got a callback!

boobs

i got your crazy

hello all readers/followers!!!!!!!!!

my dad got the call

The elephant in the room.....

itch itch

In which I go for a walk and am very nearly eaten by a mountain lion/wolf/coyote/beaver.

well howdy

yep, I am still a hypochondriac (I checked)

4th of july

update coming

:/

boo

oh no they didn't!

I need a job.

conversation with Emma

@&#*$&%*#blogger!

insert title here

randoms

Gangsta' Bunny!

update, shoplifting, stuff

blocked

Award, yo! (edit: when I hit "publish", all my lists were condensed into one long paragraph and I cant figure out how to fix it. Any ideas?)

Aha! She CAN learn new things!

coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

update

just a quick post

bad day hello

getting the shaft

my valentines

superficial moment of the day

the job

outside my comfort zone

must....stop....doing....this......

hell hath frozen over

dear lisa,

strength in recovery

ED leftovers

First Nurse @&#$*!

another reason to hate working out

q: what lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

things are...about the same

prepared for the new year

wishful drinking.....oops I mean thinking, did I say drinking? My bad!

Merry Christmas and goodnight!

And the beat goes on....

gingerbread house, and a few words about fudge

I'm really trying

look, another anxiety post!

big huge update with picures and everything

doing better

remedial

this could be a very long week....

happy birthday to me!

mentally ill and not lovin it

ok so maybe I do have a sense of humor

just a short update

............

apple orchard

oh good.

stcuk in the past part 2

stuck in the past

new furniture, same old insurance bs

look another post!

FEMA, furniture, ED, and stuff

not really an update

Hello Hello!

today is not my favorite day....

life grinds on...

@&#$&%#blogger!