decision

ok, so this one is alot aboout food. so if you think that this is going to bother you then dont read it. I just dont want to trigger or upset anyone. Ok, so here is the deal. i am pretty much purging everything i eat. Even so called safe foods like fat free chips or raw caulifluaer. Everytime i sit doun to a meal or snack i get this anxious and deeply weary feeling because i know what is going to happev next. I feel like noourishing myself is juust this minefielld and i dont feel safe and dont know which way to go. I am completely out of control and it scares me. I AM SO TIRED OF THROWING UP! I cant f-ing stand it. i have been trying the small meals tthroughout the day but that hasnt been working. It has just resulted in me purging more times thruoghout the day.
So here is the plan that i came up with last night. Supplements, and supplements only. No "food". I look at supplements in a different way then i look at food. I look at them kind of like as medicine. I have never thrown up a supplement. I think this could work for me. All i know is, i need a break from all the purging and the anxiety that is going on right now. The whole what to eat, what not to eat, is this safe, will i throw this up. Its driving me over the edge. Whith suplements there is nothing to decide, you drink one, youre done and you go on about your day. i dont know how long i will be on the supplements. My therapist suggested 2 weeks. obviously the idea is not to be on them forever. When i am feeling ready i will transittion back to regular food. Its just that right now my emotional state is so fragile and ED is doing such a number on me that i want to take back some of the control and feel a litle saner and calmer. I hope everyone can suppoort me in this step or at least see where im coming from but if you have concerns that is ok too. i know it must seem a little drastic. And who knows, maybe tommorrow ill break down and have a hamburger. you never know. this is just something id like to try, because right now i feel like im runnung out of options. Love and peace to all!

fifth anniversary!

cant believe that five years ago (technichly yesterday) chris and i were getting married in the salt lake temple. Sometimes it seems like a long time ago and sometimes it seems like it has gone by fast. We certainly have had our share of trials. i remember our first anniversary- we played scrabblr at the Center for Chance cause i couldnt get a pass to go uot. that was a bummer, but chris was a real sport about it. I am blessed with such a loving, carring, understanding husband. Sometimes i worry that i have the capacity to take advantage of that. But i dont want to be that wayy, i really dont. I want to be healthy and well and be the wife he deserves! I want to be the person that i deserve! I know that if i could somehow thake all the energy i put into obsessing about food/ weight/calories and put it toward soomething positive, who knows what i could accomplish! Maybe i could get off disability, go back to school, and have a career, marbee helping others in the mental health feild. Or maybe i could just be a really kick-ass mom instead of just so-so, But i am forgetting about the anxiety and deppression. not to be self-defeating, but those two monsters were there before the eating disorder showed up, and i am likely to struggle with them for the rest of my life. I just have to find a way to live with them so i can function and they dont control me.
So anyway, back to my anniversary trip. We stayed at this great little b&b in a 2 room suite witth a fireplace and a jacuzzi tub and an absolutely beautiful christmas tree that was still up. Maybe i will see if my husband will help me put pictures up on this blog. i am so bad with technology. Anyway, unfortunately, my ED came along for the ride, but was fairly unobtrusive, and chris and i enjoyed ourselves immensly. The benzos stayed at home. We shopped at all the cute little boutique stores and i got myself the COOLEST tshirt wich i will try to post a picture of. It says "caffiene girl" accross the top and the bottom says " because sleep is overrated" and it has a drawing of a cute girl surrounded by sodas and energy drinks. Perfect for me, yes!

happy new year

ok, so i am having a really positive attitude, or am trying to have, but the behaviors are reallly slow in coming around. I did really well the llast day of december- no purging! yay me! But yesterday and today, after a promising start bolth days, i ended up hitting the toilet. and its been over stupid stuff, too. Like feeling too full aafter a salad or having just a few hersheyes kisses. and the real killer is that bolth times its been within anhour or ttwwo after taking my pristiq, which is the new antideppressent that i have been pinning all my hopes on. But how is it going to work if i keep throwing it up. I feel like such a failure and am getting really discougaged. i mean, i want to get better so so badly. I wish i had the money to hire a private duty psych nurse whose only job was to hang with me and keep me from throwing up. But like that is going to happen. i keep trying to stick to foods that are safe, as in thay wont make me feel threatened and i wont want to throw up. but lately a new layer has been added to my illness- the feeling of fullness makes ke want to purge. Even if it is just carrots or salad or something. So i feel like nourishing myself is practically impossible. I f anyonee has any suggestions, please post a comment here or on my facebook. sorry about all the food talk! i am just really feeling alone and hopeless. Oh, and things are not going well on the benzo front, either. I told the doc that the klonipin wasnt working well so he gave me a prescription for lorazepam. i went ahead and refilled the klonipin anyway, so now i have bolth. i am pretty much taking them around the clock and while my anxiety is doing better i know deep down this is not how i am supposed to be using them and this is what i used to do with the xanax that got me into trouble. I am already having blackouts and problems with my memory wich is a bad sign. i am afraid to tell anyone because i feel so fragile and dont want my meds to be taken away and still hope i can get to a point where i can manage them effecctively.
I other news, i am really looking forward to this weekend! Chris and i are going to the amana colonies this weekend- no kids. we have a 2 room zacuuzi suite at a bed and breakfest and are going out to eat at all the authentic german resteraunts and shopping at all the boutiques! i am so excited. Historicaly, my ed has been able to go on hiatus for special occasions so i hope this will be the case. And i am not takin ANY benzos with me- i see nothing but fun for this weekend with no need to block any of it out, and i want all mt memories intact! So im not even leaving them as an option. i am feeling really good about that. And, maybe a benzo free weekend eill help me get that whole situation under control. Well, wish me luck! Please leave comments so i know you were here, either here or on facebook. it means alot to me that someone would read this! Love you all!

update

sorry its been awhile since ive posted. I have been in this really bad deppression and havent felt like doing much. I got some lorazepam and am feeling a little more relaxed and functionable today. i saw my psychDoc last night and he made me really nervous cause he kept talking about wanting to hospitalise me. I definately do not want to be in the hospital, im a big advocate for being treated in the least restrictive setting possible. plus, last time i was hospitalised for deppression, the hospital doc had me committed and i almost ended up in a crappy group home! I have a husband and 2 kids! I dont need that! Then, my last hospital based ED treatment program that i was in last spring sucked royally- it was a really bad experience. So lets just say that when my doc started talking about hospitalizing me, i started mentally plotting my escape from the room ( bolt for the door suddenly, keeping the coffee table between me and the doc). Fortunately it didnt come to that. Hes putting me on Pristiq, this brand new anti deppressent, and also gave me some lorazepam. we talked about shock treatments again, but hhe is hesitant to do them if i am purging everyday. The ect's themselves are not that dangerous, but you have to go under anesthesia wich carries some risks of its own which can be compoounded by the physical complications of an eating disorder. I talked to my therapist today and while i am not willing to gain (restore) any weight at this point we came up with some strategies that would help me maintain my weight and eat small amounts throughout the day without purging. I really need to quit purging cause it is effecting how my meds get absorbed(if they even do). So i will be working on it and hopefully the next post will include some good news. Take care!

cold snowy day

well, this is not good. It is freezing cold and snowing outside and i am warm and cozy inside with everything i need, except the one thing i need the most...Diet soda! AAARGH! How will i make it through the day. Maybe chris will be a saint and go out there later and get me some. Cause i sure as hell am not going out in that frigid iowa winter! Not even for a diet dew. Well, on the positive side, my christmas shopping is almost done and wrapped so im not feeling the desperation that some people are feeling right now to go dashing through the snow, freezing their buns off in search of last minute gift cards. Wow. it is starting ti snow even more. I wonder if emmas school will get out early. I think i will go check the weather. so long for now. Stay warm! Escpecially those of yoou in minnesota! I am thinking of you!

made it through another week

like the title says, im still here. I saw the doc on thursdat and he increaced my lexapro, and put me back on the risperidol and topamax. plus the traxodone. oh, and i managed to squeeze some klonipin out of him. 20 .5 mg tablets that are supposed to last the entire month. so far i have 7 left. go figure. T he problem is that the .5's do nothing for my anxiety. i have to take at least two. so now my husband is mad at me because he thinks i am "abusing my medications". I think he is having flashbacks from last year. He really hurt my feelings today by telling me that by me abusing my meds and doing my eating disorder he thinks im trying to push him to see how much he will take and he really didnt appreciate it what whith finals going o and every thing. Well, i was just florred! It hurt so bad to hear him sat that! I mean, this is not about him! Mostly, i try to hide it from him! And i alraedy feel sad and guilty and ashamed all the time and now, to know that this is how he sees me, just destroyed me!. Well, hewe were on our way to church and when we got ther i just dropped him and anne off cause i was too upset to go so i drove home, but all the way home i was having crazy thoughts like driving off the road or killing myself or something. When i went home i went downstairs and talked to my friend jude and that helped a little. Then when i left judes apt chris was standing in the hallway. He was worried about me. we talked a little bit and that helped but i am still feeling pretty low. well they are home now so i have to go.

sad

OK, SO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS POST IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED BY SOMEONES EATING DISORDER/ MENTAL ILLNESS SYMPTOMS. SKIP THIS ONE! I DONT WANT TO HURT ANYONE! I JUST NEED TO GET THIS OUT! I feel absolutely awful right now. I know, that doesnt really describe it well. I just feel scared and hopeless and deppressed and, yes, suicidal. I think the thing that has really kept me from making an attempt is that i realize that i would most likely either chicken out or fail, thus ending up in the er and being hospitalized on a psych ward, and that is definately not what i want. i just dont think i really have it in me to end my life, and the hospital has absolutely nothing to offer me. So here i am . Im sure at some point i will be glad i am not killing myself. Jusst not right now.
I was doing ok until last week, when some stuff came up in therapy that was really hard, like i mentioned in my last post. I got waaay stressed out over it, but had recovered enough to function in time for our ward christmas party on saturday. This day was kind of a positive anniversary for me, since it was a yaer since my last "drunk". One year ago, on the day of our ward christmas party, i got lit on all the hand sanitizer in our 72 hour kits. While taking anabuse. Yep, i'm a classy lady. Anyway, i haven't drank since. i'm really proud of that.
So anyway, we went to the party on saturday and there was this big dinner and i binged and purged. Something just snapped in me and i did it. Afterward i felt horrible. I was so proud of myself that i hadnt purged since my treatment last yaer. This was a huge accomplishment for me. And now i blew it. I let myself down and everyone else, too. Well, i swore id pick myself back up and that it wouldnt happen again but i have thrown up every day since then. I did it 4 times yesterday! Yesterday was just the worst, i felt very out of control and suicidal and scared and alone. I am terrified that i am going to end up back in the HELL that is bulimia! I WOULD RATHER DIE! Oh, and i am taking laxatives too :( . i am so tired of this. Im tired of letting people down and being a failure. Im tired of spending each day just trying to get through the moment, scared and sad and in survival mode. I wast to wake up and be HAPPY that im alive and LOOK FORWARD to the day! I feel like i am in a nightmare!
One ray of hope- i havent thrown up yet today. But i havent eaten much either, which i know sets me up for failure. And we have a BIG FAMILY DINNER tonight, Im still trying to work out a strategy for that one. Im going to see my psychiatrist in thurs and ask him if i can go on pristiq. Its a new snri antidepressant. Lexapro has worked the best for me in the past, but now i dont think its quite doing the job. Wish me luck! And to anyone who rreads this, thanks for being there.