extinction, religion, and other stuff

Ok, once again I am watching something I shouldn't be watching. It's this show in discovery channel about the top 10 ways humans could go extinct. Nuclear war, asteriod impact, plague, you name it. It is totally freaking me out and I may make a food storage run tomorrow. My food storage shelves are totally full, but maybe I can fit some under the beds or in the hall. Then we wouldn't have to leave the house for ahwile in case of a pandemic. I don't know how to prepare for an asteroid, though. i'm pretty sure I'd burn up along with all my canned beans.

Ok, on to something else.

I mentioned in a recent post that I am having some struggles with my church. Since then, I have regretted talking about it on my blog, and just now realize why. I mean, I talk about all kinds of personal stuff on my blog, and mostly have felt good about it. But my religion and spirituality is different somehow. It is not merely personal, it is sacred. Although I am struggling with this every day, i don't think i will be talking about it much here in the future. I may mention it from time to time, but not go into details.

We went to the Blank Park Zoo in Des Moines yesterday. It was kind of lame a zoos go, but some parts were cool. They had some pretty sweet jellyfish. I am trying to figure out how to get pictures from my phone onto the computer so i can put up some pics of some of the fun things we have done this summer.

I have only been on the buspar since thursday, but have seen a huge improvement in my anxiety level. I have to take it 3 times a day. I feel like I am popping pills all day long. Morning, noon, dinner time, nighttime. But its worth it to feel sane again.

I am still preoccupied with how much i weighed at my doctor's office, and am struggling with those ridiculous ED thoughts. You know, the ones that say "you must lose X pounds by you follow up in 3 weeks so he will take you seriously". But thats total bs. The reality is, I wasnt underweight, yet he did take me seriously. So all evidence points to me not needing to lose weight. Aparrently ED hasn't gotten the memo.

Well, thats about it for now. Take it easy :)

Dr appt, part 2

Can I just say: BEST DR APPOINTMENT EVER! Seriously, Dr Sean is awesome! He totally listened to everything I had to say and took me seriously and seemed really concerned about helping me. And I didn't even have to be underweight to warrant his attention! For reals, we talked for almost an hour, going over my history and meds and symptoms and all.
Even though he is a family doctor, Dr Sean seems alot more knowledgable then alot of psychiatrists I have seen. I feel totally comfortable about him handling my meds. At one point he started talking about wanting my records from University hospitals, but I had to but the stop on that. I explained that they hate me there as much as I hate them, so anything they wrote about me is probably evil lies. Actually, Corey, my old therapist, let me read the discharge summary thay they sent to him, and it was full of crap. They claimed I was purging in treatment which was bs. The thing was, I stopped gaining weight and they couldn't explain it and wouldnt take my word for it that I was not purging. They took away all my priviledges and everything. It was horrible. but I digress...

I just don't want Dr Sean to think I am naughty and uncompliant (hate that word). Anyway, he was agreeable to not getting the files from university hospitals so it's all good.
The only thing that was a little iffy is that somehow I came away from the appointment with a new med. Buspar. In addition to the other four that I was hoping to taper off so I can eventually have another baby. I guess it's ok though. I mean, my anxiety has been a little out of control lately. And its not for forever.
Well, I have to go make dinner. Hope you all had a good day.

dr appt

this is just a short post because I don't have alot of time. I have to leave for my appointment with my new doctor pretty soon. I am pretty nervous abouut it. Andof all the silly things that are bothering me, worrying that he'll think I'm fat is currently number one. I HATE being weighed at the doctor's office. Their scale always says I weigh more than I do at home. I hope he doesn't say something dumb like "you dont look like you have an eating disorder"! That would be the worst. My therapist did fax him a short intro to me though so that should help.

We met with Emma's new therapist and she seems really sharp. I have to meet with her alone next week so we can talke about things related to our family that are not appropriate to talk about with Emma. She wants to do a genogram, which sounds vaguely familiar, but I cant remember what it is exactly.

Well I will update after my appointment.

oh, my Emma

Well, i have decided to put Emma, my 7 year old, back in therapy. It makes me sad to do it, but I am at a loss as to how to handle her anxiety and must defer to those who know what they are doing.

Last night Emma came home from her dad's house late, so I got her to bed pretty much right away. She started to itch her skin and couldn't stop. When she was little she had some mild eczema, but hasn't had it for a long time. And she isn't itchy all day, just at night. Anyway, she could not stop itching, even after i put lotion on her skin. She began to cry and really get hysterical and at one point she said "it's like the world is ending" which sounded kind of dramatic but if you were there you could see that she was really feeling that way. My heart just went out to her. I remember having panic attacks when I was a kid and feeling like it was the end of the world. i never wanted this for my daughter!

I called the pediatrician today to discuss the itchy skin and since there was no rash they didn't really want to see her. They said to use hydrocortizone cream on her skin 3 times a day for 3 days and see if that helped. But it seems like alot of ot is psychological. She just gets so worked up and the more upset she gets, the more she itches. The other thing she does sometimes at night is uncontrolable movements. She cant sleep at night because she cant stop stretching and contracting her fingers (tiger-claw style) and moving her legs. She says she cant stop and gets really frustrated about it and starts to cry, which just makes it worse. The only thing that has helped is if I sit with her and give her a backscratch to help her relax until she is sleepy enough to go to sleep. I did this last night when she was itchy, too.

I feel so helpless as her mother that she is experiencing these things. I want more than anything for her to be a happy, normal little girl. I don't want her to grow up with the identity of being mentally ill, which can sometimes happen when therapy starts at a young age. And please God, I do not want her to be put on psych meds!

But, I have to get her the help that she needs. And i'm hoping that if I include enough other things in her life, she will be well-rounded and not feel like the only thing that is special about her is her mental ilness (like I did when I was a kid). I have signed her up for art lessons at the local art center, and am always looking for ways to get us involved in fun community things as a family.

The therapist I found for her is in a practice that includes psychiatrist, therapists, and a nutritionist. They specialize in children and seem to look at the whole child to try to help find solutions. It really was the best place I could find. Her first appointment is tommorrow.

Because of the stress I kind of fell apart this morning and purged several times. But then I had a healthy lunch and am trying to salvage the day. I know that I have to be healthy if I want to raise healthy children. I want to havee another baby some day and I can't do that if I am purging (well I could but it wouldn't be the healthiest choice). But lately I've been kind of down thinking "how can you think about having another child when you already have one in therapy? You've already screwed up one blah blah blah". But I know really a large part of it is genetic and it's not my fault. At least that's what I'm trying to tell myself.

I hate my internet provider!

this is the first time my computer has been connected to the internet in like 4 days and I don't know how ling it will last so I am typing fast. So basically,

I am doing much better ed-wise. I have been eating more intuitively and giving myself permission to eat and not purge, which has resulred in some addirional weight gain above and beyond what I gained earlier this summer. needless to say this has resulted in alot of body image anxiety, so i quit weighing myself every day. I am really enjoying the freedom that comes with not having to know my weight and battle with my body constantly. Yes, i am worried I will "let myself go", but really, I am tired of living in the ED prison and if I get a little bit chubby well, so be it. But realisticly when i think of what my weight is I know that I am not chubby and am perfectly normal for my height, so I don't even have to worry.

Food, weight, blah blah blah...what else is going on...
My sister came up to visit, along with my neice and my sister's boyfriend. They spent the night and I had the best time I had with my sister in a long time. It was really great. We grilled out and watched napoleon dynamite cause her boyfriend had never seen it.
We went home to waterloo and spent the night with my in-laws on friday and i opened up to my mother in law about some problems I'm having with the LDS church and how I'm thinking about leaving the church. I know I haven't mentioned that before. i know that some poeple that read this are LDS and I didn't want to offend anyone. It's just some doubts I have been having for a really long time and I can no longer push them out of my mind. I desperately want to do what the Lord wants me to do and I have been reading the Bible and praying about what I should do. Anyway, I told my mother in law, and guess what? She told me she would always love and accept me whether I was Mormon or not! It felt really validating and just good to hear that. I also talked with my Bishop yesterday (hes the leader of my Mormon congregation in Ames) and he is AWESOME! Even though I still have the same feelings about the church, I truly believe that he is a man of God. It was good to just get some of those feelings out and not feel like he was judging me. Even though I'm sure he wants me to stay in the church, i felt like I had his love and support nomatter what I do.
It would be just such a life changing thing if I left the church. It's hard to explain to non-members, how the church is just the center of your life. It's the glue that holds your life together. What would I do without it? But I must follow what I know in my heart is true, even if it is scarry.
I have so much to talk to my therapist about and she is on vacation this week! Grrr! Therapists should not get time off! Ever!
Well that is about it for now. I will try to catch up on everyones blogs while I have a chance!

living through it

Well, where do I begin. Today was a rough one.

Therapy was ok, if your idea of "ok" is spending an hour sobbing in a puddle of your own guilt and shame. No, really, it was kind of a relief to get it all out. Basically, 2 years ago I did something extremely stupid that had really horrible consequences and nearly destroyed my life. Fortunately none of the consequences were permanent and things are pretty much back together, but I have alot of feelings about the incident that I haven't dealt with. So I am going to start doing that.

I am trying to keep my head above water ED-wise. I have been eating ok, but there has been some purging. But I am maintaining my weight and fighting every day the best I can.
I was reflecting on how many good reasons I have to relapse right now.

reason #1. Dealing with the past in therapy-ROUGH!

#2. Chris is overwhelmed with school and even when he is home he is always doing homework. I am like a single mom and the stress is getting to me.

#3. Having spiritual difficulties. Actually, i'm doing ok spiritually. It's religion I'm having a hard time with. Don't really want to say any more about that. But its a biggie.

#4. Oh did I mention that Annie has had hives for 4 days in a row. My new hobby is checking her back and tummy for "polka dots". And vaccuuming and dusting every day. So far it's nothing severe, but if it keeps up or gets bad we may have to move.

#5. Drama continuing with Emmas dad.

#6. I still can't taste food because of the nasty sinus thing going on. I'm basically forcing myself to eat right now.

#7. My mom has a new lump, in her arm.

Overall I think I am handling everything quite well. There were a few scarry moments today when I was really stressed out and the hand sanitizer gel in my kitchen was looking pretty good. In my alcoholic days I drank A LOT of hand sanitizer, because I couldn't deal with the guilt and stigma of buying "real" alcohol. You might ask why I keep hand sanitizer around, and I didnt for a really long time and just started buying it again for flu season, and plus I hadn't felt like drinking any for a long time. But after tonight I may rethink that. I also don't have body spray or perfume because I used to drink it by the bottle. Eww, I know. Just thinking about it gives me the sick shivers. Crazy, the things we do when we are desperate.

Ok, I had better list some positive things RIGHT NOW!

We have a sweet minivan that was free!
I have the most beautiful girls ever!
I bought myself a GIGANTIC pot of mums today that make me smile every time I see them!
We are currently loaded cause chris just got his student loan check!
I have all my teeth. Wait, I have most of my teeth!

Um, i will try to think of some more. Sorry I am getting behind on everyone's blogs. I don't have as much internet time now that I am on my own here at home, and we have also been having some problems with our internet. I am reading but haven't always commented promptly. But I care deeply about you all! Please stick with me!

pre-therapy post

ok, so I am really trying to psych myself up for therapy today. I am just sooo nervous, because today we are supposed to talk about something that is really hard for me to talk about. But my therapist thinks it's really important for us to talk about it so she can know how to help me get past all the feelings that are associated with it. I'm just worried about what she will think about me. That she wont like me any more, or something like that.
Ugh, I wish it was over.
I will try to update tonight.