A NEW FRIEND!

Guess what awesome ness happened to me today?!

I took Annie to playpals and was just sitting there when a mom came in who I knew kind of because I had met her last week at playpals. She came over and sat by me and we started chatting, and she invited me and Annie over to her place for lunch!
YAY! HOORAY!
So we went over there and had a really nice time. There was another mom there too and her son and the kids played and we just hung out. I was kind of nervous about lunch (tuna melts!) but I had mine without cheese and I think I passed myself off as normal :)! Anyways, she gave me her number and we will probably do something again sometime. She even talked about having my family for dinner some night or something.

Guys, this is huge! I am not someone who easily makes friends, and it's extra hard to meet people since I dont work or go to school. Pretty much the only people I know in my new town are from church, and you know how that is going. So I am really pleased with myself that I have the ability to make a friend. That just enlarges my world SO MUCH! She is really neat, too. She lived in Scotland for a few years and just moved back. She just has a really lively and fun personality. I guess I will call her "M" so I can stop saying "she".

I feel especially happy that this happened today of all days because I have a huge zit. Ok that makes no sense. Let me explain. I have this HUGE ZIT that wont go away. It is ruining my whole face and I was so discouraged this morning that I didn't even want to do the whole foundation-blush-eyeshadow-eyeliner-mascara thing. I just figured whats the point of going to all that work. nothing is going to cover this zit. So I just put a dab of concealor on and a little mascara and that was it. Then I got worried that no one at playpals would talk to me because I am just too ugly without all my makeup on. Well, I thought, this will be kind of like an experiment. We'll see what happens. Sooo...not only did M talk to me, she invited me over! She must not judge people on appearance, which makes her even cooler.

So far, today has been an awesome day!

One thing that is not awesome, though, is that I turned on my furnace today for the first time this season and it STINKS! You know, that smell a furnace makes when It hasn't been used in a long time. It's giving me a huge headache. Ugh.

Hello and goodnight!

Well I'm just hanging out in a rare moment to myself. Chris took the girls to the park; isn't that nice of him? I cuddled with Baby for a little bit. In case you forgot , Baby is my new bunny. He's growing on me and yes, I'm glad I got him. He's an adorable little fuzzball and petting him is very theraputic.
Hmm, what else is new.

I am making more changes in my religious life that I think will enable me to become more who God wants me to be. It is difficult, but I find that I am braver than I ever thought possible.

As usual, I am still struggling with my ED. I am maintaining my weight ok. Actually, I keep losing the same 5 pounds and then gaining it back, which is probably not that great for my metabolism. I know its not good for my recovery. And, I cant seem to stop purging. But I did eat a healthy dinner tonight and keep it down. I have small victories here and there. What I lack is consistency. I'm still seeing the same therapist but I am starting to wonder if it is going to work out with her. I'm not sure she really "gets me". She keeps telling me how "strong I am " and how "I just need to believe in myself". As if it were that easy. Did she sleep through my history? She doesn't seem to get that I am severely messed up! Hello, social security? I do this for a living, lady!

Ok, that last bit sounded bad. I was mostly joking. I recieve social security because I am too sick to work. I did not get sick so I could recieve benefits. Believe me, I would much rather be healthy and together and working and fulfilling my potential and all that other stuff. This is not how I thought my life would be.

On that cheery note I have to go cause Chris and the girls just got home. See ya!

"pupit" show!

The other day when Emma wass home sick from school the girls treated me to a puppet show.

It was priceless!

Just wanted to share these pictures with you all. Hope you have a great day!

um, yeah, I bought this rabbit...

Who knows what the heck I was thinking! Yesterday I was all hopped up on caffiene and in a semi-manic state and decided I must have a bunny. Something to love, to cuddle with, something cute. You know, since I cant have a baby due to my over-medicatedness.

Well, the feeling wore off at about 6:00 last night and now I'm like "gee, there's a rabbit in my living room". It's like someone hijacked my brain for a few hours and I woke up with this bunny.

To be fair, the bunny is really cute. He loves to sit in my lap and cuddle. I named him Baby.

When Emma got home from school and saw him, she flipped. The girls both really like him. I guess I can make the best of it.

I gave it my all....

...and i think I did good! Today was Emma's 8th birthday. As I said in my last post, we celebrated it yesterday, because today I had to take her to her dad's house in Waterloo. Everything yesterday went really well. I even conquered the buffet with no ED involved. Still, I wanted today to be a special day for her.

I let her have toaster strudels for breakfast, which are her favorite, but I usually don't buy them. I sent her to school with cupcakes for her class. In her lunchbag I put a cute birthday card and a charm necklace to suprise her.

hen i had an idea to get her hair curled at the salon. When she got home from school I told her about it and she did not want to do it. See, she has had some pretty bad experiences with me trying to curl her hair. One time I accidently burned her ear (just a little). but I told her that the ladies at the salon were proffessionals who knew what they were doing and it would be fun. She still didn't want to do it, but I dragged her to the salon anyway because I knew she would like having stylish hair once it was done.

So she got in the salon chair and was making her "whiny noises" and looked really unhappy. I had a bad feeling for a little bit that maybe I had made the wrong decision and I was ruining her birthday. But once the stylist turned the chair so Emma could see in the mirror what she was doing, she perked up a bit. Her hair turned out so cute! When we left the salon, Emma had a little spring in her step and a smile on her face. We got in the car to go to Waterloo, but we had to make a stop at a gas station, and Emma said "mom, do you think if anybody sees me, they will wonder if I am a super star or something?"! It was priceless!

I try to teach my girls that the most important beauty is whats inside. But Emma is kind of an akward duck, and her hair is usually a frizzy mess, and i just don't get the feeling that she feels that great about her looks. It was just so nice to see her walk with confidence and feel extra special!

The whole drive to Waterloo we listened to her Hannah Montana cd (the whole thing 3 times) and Emma just rocked out. She was so excited to show her dad her hair and kept wondering what he would say. When we got there her dad made a big fuss over her and I was really glad. He was taking her shopping for her birthday presents and it looked loke they were really going to have a good time.

So as I drove home, I really felt satisfied in my heart that Emma had had a good birthday. I love her so much.

Happy birthday to Emma!

Today I am have cleaned the house, done the laundry, baked a cake, blown up balloons, wrapped presents, shopped, and taken Annie to Playpals! Phew! I am so excited because today we are celebrating Emma's birthday! Her actual birthday is tommorrow, but we are celebrating it today since I have to take her to Waterloo to her dad's tomorrow. I can't believe my little girl is 8!
When she gets home from school we are going to Build-a-Bear in Des Moines to fulfill her birthday dreams (overpriced stuffed animal that dresses better than I do). Oh, and yesterday she got her other big present, a white's treefrog. Google them, they are adorable!

Then we are going to het favorite restaurant. the King buffet. Isn't that funny, my daughter would rather go to a chinese buffet than McDonalds!? I think she likes to serve herself and she likes the choices. And they have sushi, which she loves. I am trying not to freak over the prospect facing the buffet. i dont want to overeat, but I also don't want to pay 9.95 for some lettuce. I think I will just try to be picky and mindful and relaxed. Yeah.

Then we will come home and open presents and have cake. Emma only has a few presents, because the set-up for the frog got kind of expensive ($20 for a fake log?) and so is the Build-a-Bear. Monetarily, we did kind of go over the usual birthday limit. I hope she isn't dissappointed. There are a few things on her list that she is not getting. I figure her dad will get her whatever she wants anyway, so it's all good. I gave up trying to compete with him when she turned 1 and he bought her a Powerwheel.

Also, I am ina fairly good mood today and am on an even keel. I was worried because yesterday I woke up very anxious, had a horrible and unresolved therapy session, and barely made it through the rest of the day without a total meltdown. But I woke up feeling better and, despite all I had to do today, really paced myself. I even had books due at the library today and was going to take Annie there for storytime, but after playpals and shopping and with the upcoming trip to desmoines and out to eat, decided to just call and renew the books over the phone and just skip story time in favor of some down time. I think it was a really healthy choice. I usually try to do too much and then end up exhausted and overwhelmed. I'm learning to trouble shoot and plan ahead.

I really like playpals! Annie just plays with the other kids and toys in the gym, and I sit and chat with the moms. I have been really outgoing and I think its safe to say that if I see the same people there again I can call them my friends. Maybe eventually I will give out my number for playdates. I also learned about this thing called Giggles and Grins, where you drop your child off for an hour and they have kind of like a little preschool. It was fairly inexpensive so I signed Annie uup. That way I can have some me-time, and she can get some more socialization. I am pretty happy about it.

Well chris just got home and Emma should be here pretty soon. Have a great day everybody!

not handling the stress

Hmmm, don't much know what to say today.

Well, I have been restricting again. The extra weight I gained kind of freaked me out and I snapped back into my old way of doing things. It sucks though because I KNOW that I know better than this. Like NIN said in her blog, I know that losing weight will not help my body image. Even at my thinnest, I will still feel fat.

I think there is more going on then just discomfort over the extra weight. Like for instance, my spiritual struggle and not feeling really spiritually grounded right now. Well, actually I feel pretty good spiritually, just not religiously, if that makes any sense. And I'm worried that if I leave the churchc, I will lose my whole support system and My family will fall apart and my world will disinigrate. So yes, there is some pressure there.
Also, I am really worried about my husband. He is waaay stressed out with school, has tons of homework, and seems to be getting deppressed. I worry about him all the time.
And as for me, I am pretty socially isolated right now. Yesterday I had a panic/too much caffiene/not enough food attack and felt horrible and shaky and I was alone with the girls and really really just wanted someone to come over and be with me. I did call my wonderful mother-in-law and talked to her and sipped oj for awhile until I felt better. And she called me back 2 times just to check on me. I am cutting WAY back on the soda. I mean, it's ridiculous that I take all these meds for anxiety, while I tank up on caffiene all day! I just love caffiene, though. When i have some it makes me feel really good! Like, my head gets all tingly and stuff. The problem is, I want more of the "good feeling" and overdo it and then I just get really anxious. But today so far I have just had 20oz of soda and that will BE IT!

But anyway, back to what I was saying. I think that other stress in my life has led to my restricting as a way to cope. It's not all about the weight. It's how I feel safe. I know, weird. Feeling safe by doing something that will kill me.

Well, I never claimed to be sane!