I Hate Bulimia!

Just when i thought things were under control, bulimia raises it's ugly head! The last several days have been so bad! I hate this! Today i worked out, took Anne to the library, came home and fixed her lunch and put her down for a napp and really felt ok and didnt have the urge to binge at all. I thought i was in the clear for today. Then i was munching in some carrot sticks and the next thing i knew i was all "chris do you mind if i run to the gas station for a cookie" and then it was off to the races! I return with said cookie and also donuts that are smashed cause i have to make them fit in my purse to smuggle them back in the house. I hate being so sneaky and decietful! Then i have to count the seconds till chris goes to school and i can REALLY get started, in the meantime i nibble my cookie and try to look normal when what i really want to do is just SHOVE THE WHOLE THING IN MY MOUTH!
I hate it all- the anxiety of the pre-binge, the desperation of the binge, and the raw reality of the purge. I hate the whole disgusting cycle! Why do i keep doing it?
In the old days i used to lie awake at night and plan the next days binges, but now its different. These days i dont even want IT, dont plan IT, do my best to avoid IT, but IT comes and sneaks up and takes over before i am even aware of whats happening and then i am right in the middle of IT and oh hell, might as well finish what you start.
If they ever find a part of the brain that is responsible for this i would have the doctors cut it out. I would! I would have BRAIN SURGERY if thats what it took to get rid of this deamon.
I have a feeling it is not going to be that easy.

new T

ok, so i think i really have decided to see a different therapist. Things with Corey are just not healthy anymore. It's his whole preoccupation with fitness; in some ways i think we are so alike, it's scary. I just think i need a fresh start with someone new. I debated this with myself for awhile. I mean, i am moving in august, so it seems kind of silly to be getting a new therapist. But if i stay with corey, it would be 4 more months of feeling triggered and unsure. Like, alot of times i think i am overreacting. It's not like he says anything REALLY innapropriate. It's just little comments. Like the other day we were talking about ideal body weights (a conversation i am really not healthy enough to be having with anyone) and he said "i think that runway models are very curvy in all the right ways. Like, they have curves that could be considered attractive. I'm think it's funny when fat women say things like 'real women have curves', thats just such a rationalization! There's a difference between rolls and curves!"
I could not believe that he said that! I quickly scanned my mental images for a picture of a runway model with curves and couldnt really come up with one. And what an unfair thing to say about heavy women, who are probably just trying to gain a sense of empowerment in a world that marginalizes them. But as usual i was too much of a chicken to say anything and just nodded. I tend to want approval from males and male therapists are no exception. In a way, i feel guilty, because it is patly my fault that this situation has been building. I should have been calling him on these things as they happened, not keeping my feelings inside. It's not reaally fair to him. As it is, I am going to tell him this wed that i am switching therapists and he doesnt have a clue. Like maybe if i had told him before how his comments and attitude made me feel, it would have given him a chance to correct the situation. Am i even making sense? For some reason, i am having a hard time expressing myself today.
So, on to the new T. Her name is Hope (ironic) and i already know her because she taught the DBT group i did last summer, and she remembered me too. She doesnt specialize in ed's, but she does treat patients with them. She specializes in borderline personality disorder, which i have been diagnosed with in the past and still have traits of. She asked me to come up with some "treatment goals" to share when i come in on the 13th and it made me think "yikes i actually have to work in therapy again". Lataly i have been kind of ambivalent about wanting to give up my ed and have not been working very hard in therapy. You know, just passing the time. I am excited and scared all at once. oh, and waaay nervous about my next (last) appt with corey. I hope he is proffesional and doesnt snap on me!

i miss...

i miss my friend Keely.
i miss temple square.
i miss my quirky sugarhouse neighborhood.
i miss memory grove park.
i miss hogle zoo. we had passes and used to go there all the time. Annie would have loved it!
i miss liberty park, and the wading fountains there. Another place Annie would have loved.
i miss wheeler farm in the spring.
i miss trolley square mall.
i miss the sanders.
i miss living in a bigger city.
i miss seeing the mountains.
i miss having an md who actually knew about eating disorders.
i miss the tea grotto.
i miss the seagulls. And the magpies.
i miss all the flowering fruit trees.
i miss our old ward.
i miss gardner village in the fall.
i miss the sales at smith's and albertson's.
i miss our friends.


i didnt appreciate these things when they were all around me.

swimsuit

Just a quick post to record a momentous occasion- I went swimsuit shopping today and didn't leave the mall in a suicidal deppression! Actually, every swimsuit that i tried on looked good. Not just not-heinous, but really, really good! Could it be that my body image is improving, or is swimsuit technology getting better? I suspect the latter, but nomatter the reason, i'm greatful to have found a decent suit with a minimum of fuss. Now if only i could find a bra that fit...

la de da

Well, i am still here, trying to fix my bad attitude. I had therapy today, but i'm not really ssure what the point of it was. We spent at least 15 minutes talking about pop. I have been toying with the idea of taking a break from therapy, but i'm not really clear on whether my motivation for this is healthy or not. I asked corey if there was a point to me coming in anymore and he said he didnt know, which kind of suprised me. Then i asked him if he thought i could change and he said "yes", and that it just might not be on my timetable, or something like that. So i guess i will keep going for now.
Chris is going back to work tommorrow. A month ago i would have been ok with this, but now i am not so sure. I have gotten used to having him around. He is like my security blanket; i feel much more grounded when he is here. But i know this is something he needs to do for himself.
My mother in law did something really nice for me. She couldn't save my wedding dress; it was too damaged. So she took the front panel, and the pearls, and the bow from the train, and arranged them nicely in a shadow box, so i would have something of it to keep. Isnt she sweet? I think that is how chris turned out so good.
I still have this annoying cold/sinus thing that i cant seem to get rid of. THe Affrin has stopped being effective and now i am just sniffling all the time- gross! Other than that, not much is going on. Just getting back into the swing of things after spring break. And dealing with Emma's little friends- apparently friend 1 doesnt like friend 2, and has told emma that she will not be her friend if emma plays with friend 2. Ugh! Friend 1 is a catty little girl who often stops talking to Emma for no reason and will be her friend one day, and not the other day. And now she wants to tell emma who she can be friends with? I dont think so! I had a talk with Emma about making up her own mind and doing what she thinks is right and treating others the way she would like to be treated, and how important it is not to let others control you and to make your own decisions, that sort of thing. Sheesh! Girls are so mean. And i know its only going to get worse as she gets closer to junior high. Im glad im done with all that personally.

back to reality

OK, so ive had some time to think since my last post, and i have realized that all of the things that i said about recovery could be said about the eating disorder. I mean, i feel fat all the time, even when i am disgusstingly thin. And i always feel like crap when i look in the mirror! And, lets face it, even if i do get to a point where i am happy with my weight, im not really happy at all. I live in fear that i will gain, and am ruled by obsessive thoughts that isolate me from my friends and family. Plus, there is the physical weakness and general crappiness of starving.
So what am i to do? How can i be happpy in this catch 22 situation? I feel like ive painted myself into a corner. Unfortunately, i "chose" the eating disorder road long ago, and now i am paying for it, because now i dont have the power to choose anymore. Im stuck with this unwanted guest in my head, day and night, beating me sensless.
I really am tired of this.

rant

WARNING- TRIGGERING!


If recovery is so great, why do i feel so shitty!? Why do i feel like i want to come out of my skin, every second of every day that i am at a "healthy weight" ? And every time i look in the mirror, i fell like iv'e had the wind knocked out of me! It's like a slap in the face! I'm sick of it. I feel like iv'e been duped! I could have been losing weight this whole time; i could be thin and happy right now! Instead i am distgustingly, horribly fat! aaaarrrgh!


(dont say i didnt warn you)