cautiously optimistic

Hmm, the title says it all.

I feel like I am on a bit of an upswing today (after a rough morning) and am trying to make the most of it. So far today I have....

taken Annie to the dentist
taken her to playpals, where we chased eachother and played soccer
took my medication
done two loads of laundry
had a bath
gave annie a bath
took my medication
gone to the salvation army store
made chocolate chip cookies
put a roast in the crockpot
had too much caffiene

It is 2:30 and I am wondering what to do next...

hanging in there

I am way way way behind on everyone's blogs and am trying to get caught up today. Have been severely, severely deppressed and not functioning well. I put on some makeup today and cleaned the house and went to church, so I am feeling pretty accomplished.

I had an emergency appointment with Dr Sean this week regarding my deppression this week, but did not accomplish much. i had been tapering off the Trazodone, but he put me back up to 100 mgs in case that would help. We discussed a few different meds (Abilify, Lamictal, Lithium) but he said he doesn't like to make major changes when someone is doing bad. He wants to wait until I am stable.

We discussed ECT (electroconvulsive therapy aka shock treatments), which i have had before. I am almost desperate enough to do them again. But the only doctor in my town that does them does not take medicare/medicaid. I basically would have to be inpatient to get them covered (still do not understand this). But I am not willing to go IP as I am not suicidal (yet) and also could lose custody of Emma if her dad found out I was IP and not able to care for her.

Other options for ECT are the hospital in Iowa City (no way in hell) or going back to Waterloo to have my old doctor do them. I could stay with my inlaws. But I would have to wait until Chris' winter break, so her could be home to take care of the girls. So it looks like I am not going to be recieving the "electric cure" any time soon. Plus, do I really want to spend Chris' break in Waterloo getting shocked? I guess it will depend on how I am doing at that time.

My sister said something to me the other day that really hurt my feelings. I told her I was struggling with a major deppressive episode (against my better judgement) and she said "cant you just pray to the Lord about it?"! Ouch. Of course I pray about it! That's one of the only things that gets me through the day! But seriously, if I had Lupus or MS or any other chronic disease, she would not have said that to me. Why is there so much support and understanding for causes like cancer and HIV, but when you struggle with mental illness you are just expected to deal with it or get over it or something. Like when someone tells you "just think positive", that is another one of my favorites.

Sorry I am just whining and complaining.

my mom

I'm kind of sad at the moment. I have been thinking about my mom and her *cancer*. I was reading the obituaries in the paper and saw that a man who was 38 died after a 2 year battle with melanoma. He looked so young! My mom is younger than him.

In case you don't know, my mom has melanoma that has metasticised (sp?). She had a mass removed from her breast earlier this year and later one removed from her chest cavity. A few weeks ago she had one removed from her arm. So far she has been lucky in that all of the masses have been operable and havent affected major organs. But since the cancer has gotten into her lymph system that means little cells of cancer have spread all through her body and who knows where they will grow next. If they grow in her brain or liver or spine or something like that it would be bad news. Melanoma is very aggressive and hard to treat.

I just dont think about it very much because it is hard. My mom is so active and full of life. She works as a nurse. She is an avid bike rider and usually does a bike ride across iowa every year. She also like to kayak and ski. She sings and plays the guitar and performs at open mike nights with her friends. She is building a cabin on the wapsie river.

i wish I could see her more often. She lives 2 hours away and works full time and with Emma in school it is hard to get away even when our schedules are in sync. I feel like I am just taking it for granted that she will always be around and I will have lots of chances to spend time with her, because it is too painful to consider the alternative.

She would hate it that i posted this picture, because she thinks it is a bad picture. I like it.

a rare day

Is this not the cutest thing you have ever seen!? And yes, he likes it. Baby just goes nuts when I take him out. He sniffs everything and hops around and stands up on his hind legs. I also have a cute little carrier for him and we took him to the park the other day. The girls just had a blast!

Yeah, it's a litte undignified. But trust me, he loves it.

I am having a rare day of feeling not only functional but downright competent, so I thought I would document it.

There was no school for Emma today so I decided to take Emma and Annie and Emma's friend Espie to the zoo. I was a little nervous about driving into Des Moines (largest city in Ia, I know big whoop), especially since I have never done this myself. The zoo is on the other side of Des Moines and we have only been there once. Plus, I decided to take the interstate instead of the long way we went before. I just said a little prayer that we would not get lost or the car would not break down and off we went. And we made it, and I didn't get lost or freak out once! Not bad for a girl who used to be too afraid to even drive on the highway!

I got home and cleaned the house and put in a load of laundry. I called my old therapists office and cancelled my appointments. I made some calls to the moms who signed up to help with Emma's class Halloween party. Since I am the room mom, it is my responsibility to plan the party. I had been putting it off but decided to work on it today and found some people to help out and bring snacks and everything. It feels weird to be in charge of something but in this case it is just a 2nd grade class party so I guess I can handle it.

Oh my gosh I just poo-d the biggest poo ever! Another momentous event to record....

Anyways, that's about it for now. Sorry I am behind on commenting on blogs. Things have been a little busy around here but I will try to get caught up.

Peace yo.

My lovely doctor visit

Well, today has not been my favorite day.

It is sooo cold and rainy and I have had to run a million errands and have been freezing all day!
I have had a MONSTER headache for much of the day, and the Healthy Choice frozen dinner that I had for lunch is threatening to come back up.

The doctors appointment was, well, sucktastic. I am actually wishing I had lost the weight, even though I know that would be a bad thing. But as Dr Sean was listening to my list of GI complaints I had the feeling that he really wasn't taking them too seriously. Here it is: I have a general feeling of nausea pretty much all the time which gets really bad after I eat. Food just hangs out in my stomach forever and I get really urpy and bloaty (yum I know). I cant take a dump to save my life except when I take the Miralax, but then things swing to the opposite end of the spectrum and I am in the bathroom all day. Also, When I take Miralax my pristiq (antideppressant) passes through undigested. For reals! It's pretty dramatic.

Well, the good doctor said that my motility is impaired from my eating disorder and it would probably take several months with no purging and regular eating for it to get back to normal. The bowel situation is due to past laxative abuse and will probably be a problem that I will have
for a long time. I may have to be on the Miralax long-term.

So the doctors orders today are: Increase the Buspar (for anxiety)
Decrease the Trazodone (because the Seroquel and the
Risperdal knock me out just fine, thank you)
Get back on the Miralax, half doses
Prilosec OTC
Prilosec OTC. As in OVER THE COUNTER! Bwahahah! I wanted medical tests! I wanted REAL meds! I feel like crap all the time and I want to feel better and I'm skeptical that anything from the antacid counter at Hy-Vee is going to help me!!!

Yes, I do find it incredibly ironic that I'm always complaining about how many meds I'm on, and now I'm complaining that the doctor isn't putting me on more meds. REAL ones, anyway.

I guess there is no pleasing me.

So I bought myself some Tums and Gas-x when I got the Prilosec. Just as a consolation.

So- here is a puzzle for you:

I cant take the tums or gasx until a few hours after I have taken the prilosec. I have to take the Pristiq in the morning. I have to take the buspar three times a day, but not with my evening meds. I have to take the miralax BY ITSELF!
Soooo....

I think I will take the pristiq and prilosec and a dose of Buspar first thing in the morning. That way by noon, when the tummy trouble usually starts, I can have the tums and gasx.
More buspar at noon.
Miralax around 3 pm.
buspar at 6.
Seroquel, Trazodone, and risperidone half hour before bedtime.

Looks like I have a new hobby.

raining

Boo I am super grumpy today! the weather really influences my mood and it has been gray and rainy all day and is supposed to continue on like this tomorrow.
Let's see, what is new...

I decided to change therapists. I am going to start seeing Kim, my daughter's therapist. I think she gets me more then my current T. And she said that seeing me will allow her to better help Emma. As far as that goes, Emma has been doing great with her anxiety and all that stuff. Maybe it was just a difficult adjustment period but she is feeling better now about the move. But I will still have her go to therapy, so she can learn some more skills that will help her deal with stress and anxiety. Goodness knows she won't learn those from me ;)!

i got a leash and harness and pet carrier for my bunny and we took him to the park the other day (when it was sunny). It was so cute! Also I have put him on the leash and taken him out in the backyard. I will have to post some pics sometime; it's priceless!

I have the big doctors appt with Dr Sean tomorrow. I'm proud of myself for fighting the urge to drop massive amounts of weight before the appt and impress him with my thinness. I was able to realize that that is just a bunch of ED nonsense and he will take me seriously even if I am at a healthy weight. I really need to talk to him about my meds cause I don't think they are working that great. I mean, for the amount of meds I am on, I should be feeling super! Why is it that I can barely make it though the day?

Well chris just got home and he promised me that I could take a nice hot bath while he and the girls eat. I'm not skipping dinner to lose weight, I just ate a really big lunch that is kind of hanging out like a brick in my stomach and feel like a bath would be more theraputic for me at this point. And then maybe a nice hot cup of herbal tea or a sugarfree swiss mocha. Hmmm.

A NEW FRIEND!

Guess what awesome ness happened to me today?!

I took Annie to playpals and was just sitting there when a mom came in who I knew kind of because I had met her last week at playpals. She came over and sat by me and we started chatting, and she invited me and Annie over to her place for lunch!
YAY! HOORAY!
So we went over there and had a really nice time. There was another mom there too and her son and the kids played and we just hung out. I was kind of nervous about lunch (tuna melts!) but I had mine without cheese and I think I passed myself off as normal :)! Anyways, she gave me her number and we will probably do something again sometime. She even talked about having my family for dinner some night or something.

Guys, this is huge! I am not someone who easily makes friends, and it's extra hard to meet people since I dont work or go to school. Pretty much the only people I know in my new town are from church, and you know how that is going. So I am really pleased with myself that I have the ability to make a friend. That just enlarges my world SO MUCH! She is really neat, too. She lived in Scotland for a few years and just moved back. She just has a really lively and fun personality. I guess I will call her "M" so I can stop saying "she".

I feel especially happy that this happened today of all days because I have a huge zit. Ok that makes no sense. Let me explain. I have this HUGE ZIT that wont go away. It is ruining my whole face and I was so discouraged this morning that I didn't even want to do the whole foundation-blush-eyeshadow-eyeliner-mascara thing. I just figured whats the point of going to all that work. nothing is going to cover this zit. So I just put a dab of concealor on and a little mascara and that was it. Then I got worried that no one at playpals would talk to me because I am just too ugly without all my makeup on. Well, I thought, this will be kind of like an experiment. We'll see what happens. Sooo...not only did M talk to me, she invited me over! She must not judge people on appearance, which makes her even cooler.

So far, today has been an awesome day!

One thing that is not awesome, though, is that I turned on my furnace today for the first time this season and it STINKS! You know, that smell a furnace makes when It hasn't been used in a long time. It's giving me a huge headache. Ugh.