post turkey day

I haven't felt much like writing lately. i guess things are going ok. I have had almost 7 days in a row that i felt stable mentally and emotionaly. So that is good.
I had a pretty good Thanksgiving. Relaxing, despite all the travel. Got to see most of my family.

Body image is at a low right now. i have gained MORE weight (thanksgiving) and am suspicious that I am now overweight. I almost weigh as much as I did when I was discharged from the ED program at UIHC (evil hell). I am really tempted to restrict and lose weight right now.

I had a really spiritual experienca at church yesterday. It is kind of hard to explain. We were taking communion and the pastor had just talked about all that the Savior bore for us on the cross and how he endured all things and there is nothing he can't help us with. As I was having communion I was thinking about my ED and how I really want to just turn it over to God. Part of me is scared to do this (i like to control everything) but part of me was filled with hope and had a glimpse of what it would be like if I let God help me learn to love myself and accept my body. It was a thrilling notion: what if I didn't have to hate myself anymore? What if I could let this all go; what would my life be like? Then of course, part of me got scared. i am kind of like that disciple (I can't remember which one) who was walking on the water towards Jesus and he was doing ok until he took his eyes off the Lord and saw the waves and got scared and started to sink. I feel a thrill of hope, but it is gone as soon as the eating disorder steps in and hisses negativity in my ear. I need to have more faith. oh well, I am a work in progress.

Hmm, what else. I have most of my Christmas shopping done already. I get a little excited about the holidays and tend to dive right in as soon as thanksgiving is over (or in this case even before that). Oh, and Chris and i got up at 3 am on black friday do go shopping! it was a little crazy, but we got some good deals. I usually go black friday shopping by myself, so it was kind of fun to go with Chris.

I am glad that I am not doing the shock treatments. i am really looking forward to just spending some quality time with the family over Christmas break. i am more at peace with the decision not to do the treatments, especially now that my mood is improved.

Well that is about it. I did also want to say that I am still reading everyones blogs but am really struggling to come up with good and thoughtful comments. Like, my brain has been turned off and I feel I have nothing to contribute. hopefully this will pass. but I am still reading and care deeply about you all.

All around the house

Time to bore you with Christmas pictures. Here are the candy cane cookies and the gingerbread I made. The gingerbread turned out tasting strongly of molasses and the girls didn't like it. i thought it was ok but not my favorite.
These are some cinnamon ornaments I made. They smell so good!

Here is our lovely tree. We can't have a real one in out apartment, but this artificial one is ok.

This is the nativity set we had when i was a kid. My mom gave it to me. The girls love to set it up.

Some peppermint sticks and some tin candleholders that are kind of hard to see in this picture.

My friend Linda gave me this fiber-optic gingerbread house. It changes colors as it glows.

Just a few Christmas things.

Kind of a goofy snowman my mom gave me.

A few more Christmas things and pics of my girls. Aren't they cute?

And the stockings. I made them all except mine, the one on the left.


Ok, ok, I'm done for now.

no shocks for me

well, I drove to Waterloo last night for pretty much nothing. Dr T said he would be really uncomfortable doing the ECT's if he could not follow me afterward. He was also really uncomfortable with me not having a psyhiatrist and just getting my meds from a primary care doc. He had several suggestions for what he thought I should do. He thought I should have Dr. S inrease my Pristiq. I am at the max FDA approved dose, but doctor T said he has several patients taking more.

Dr T said "I'm not saying 'no' to ECT's. I just think you should try this first. If you still want ECT's call me and we'll talk about it.".

Well, I wasn't completely sold on the ECT's in the first place. Chris is the one that really wants me to get them. I guess if the doctor had said "sure lets set them up" I would have done it, but I wasn't about to try to talk him into a treatment that I wasn't sure I wanted. I guess this means i'm not getting them.

So I'm a little relieved, and apprehensive all at once. I was looking at shock treatments as kind of a fall back plan.

Well, the good news is the last 2 days I have been feeling a little better. i've had some moments, but overall the trend has been up.

We decorated our apartment for Christmas today and I must say it looks outstanding! I made candy cane cookies and gingerbread (the cake kind). I love Christmas! i will post some pictures soon.

My therapist asked me if Thanksgiving is hard for me (because of all the food). I don't think it is worse than any other day. I mean, I have to face food every day. Sometimes I have success, and sometimes I turn to ED behaviors. Thanksgiving will be no different. I hope I will do good, and certainly will do my best, but if I end up purging I am not going to beat myself up over it. I'm not going to let that ruin the holiday. I am more excited about being with family and having a nice time.

Hope everybody has a nice Thanksgiving!

issues

thanks for the support :). I am feeling somewhat better, although shaky. I saw Dr. Sean yesterday and he thinks the increased anxiety/symptoms is due to the deep childhood issues that I am digging up with my therapist. His suggestion was to back off on that stuff until I am more stable. He is concerned that I am not emotionally strong enough to handle tough therapy right now and i could deteriorate to the point that I might need to be hospitalised. He also increased my Buspar, wich isn't really a big deal. I don't think it does anything for me anyway.

So, I already know what my therapist is going to say about all this. She is of the mind that I depend too much on medication and I need to work on these really deep, tough issues if I am going to achieve a full recovery.

The problem is, I agree with both of them.

It strikes me that I should have worked on these things when I was in IP. Like, when I was in a safe environment where it would be ok if therapy left me a weepy mess for the rest of the day because there were no responsibilities or sharp objects. What the hell did i spend my time in IP working on, anyway? Well, in UIHC (evil hell), individual therapy is not part of the program. So you can't really get into much there. I don't really remember what I worked on the 3 months I was at the Center for Change. I think I did some anger work. And then there was the usual "I'm so fat! Weight gain sucks!". What a waste of time. I tell you, if I had another opportunity like that, I would not waste it. Well, I don't think I wasted it. Just didn't take full advantage.

Oh, want to know what my dad said the other day that upset me so bad? Well he called and asked how I was doing and I decided to tell him the truth. Well he cut me off and just went on and on about how I wasn't close to the Lord and that's why I'm having all these problems. How all I need to do is pray and read the word and I will be healed. I told him i do that stuff, but he just laughed it off like I don't have enough faith or I would be healed already. So basically it's my fault I'm sick because I don't have enough faith.
But it's not even that he just told me this. I mean, he went ON and ON for like 30 minutes, whithout me even talking. He usually goes on and on about God like that, which is why I only call him about once a week. I just can't handle it. I just don't want to hear it from him. He drinks and smokes pot daily (he grows it for a living). About a year ago he says this "cross" just appeared to him in his right field of vision and it's some kind of sign or gift from God. He goes on and on about it and how blessed he is blah blah blah. He sees the cross all the time. He thinks he is spiritually superior to just about everybody and if you try to explain to him that you, too, have a relationship with the Lord he kind of scoffs at you like you have no idea what it's REALLY all about. ALso one day while he was reading the book of John he said it just "opened up" and he saw it played out in a vision and it explained all these things about God's plan and the end of the world and he doesn't know why God chose him to witness this but it must be because he is so spiritually in tune or something.
WHen my dad goes on and on about this stuff to me it is like listening to a crazy person talke and I get sick in my stomach. Sometimes I just hold the phine away from my ear because I can't handle it. So you can imagine how it felt to hear him combine his religious fanaticism/delusions with telling me that my suffering was my fault. It sucked.

I feel really bad for writing all that stuff about my dad. Like I am betraying him, or something. Even though I know he will never read this. I just felt like I wanted to get it out.

I hope he never reads this! I don't know how he would, he never uses a computer. I may delete this later. It would really hurt him if he knew I had these thoughts about him.

I'm going to Waterloo to see the ECT doc on mon. Just for an evaluation. My sister in law works with someone who had ECT and said it made her like a new person. I would like to be a new person.

ongoing

ok. lately I feel like my blog is turning into a chronicle of my mental messed-upness. So sorry about that. Today I am afraid it's just going to be more of the same.

I think I really threw something off when I cut back on my meds the other day. I feel a little better since I went back on the full dose, but I'm still not quite right. It's hard to explain. Let me lay out the symptoms:

1. I am extremely agitated.
2. I "startle" at even small noises. Like, the clattering of dishes makes me tense up or run to my room to "take a break".
3. Very sensitive to most stimuli. Even taking showers is hard because the feeling of water hitting my skin sends me into panic.
4. Extreme and inappropriate anger. Feel this rage bubbling under my skin. Am frequently slamming my fist into my thigh or stomping the floor hard with my feet. Sounds childish, but I cant control it.
5. Of course, very depressed. I think I am more depressed because of the other symptoms and how hard it is just to function and get through the day.

I have been spending alot of time in my room (when chris is home to watch the girls) curled up in my bed listening to soothing songs on my ipod and clutching my blankie. Yes, I now have a blankie. Sounds silly, but it actually helps me relax. I guess as long as I dont start taking it out in public it's ok.
I haven't been going to the gym as much lately because all of the stimulus there is just too much. The lights and mirrors and all the people. All the movement. It's a bummer cause I paid through the nose for my membership. i am going to try to go today with Chris. I really am fighting this, I can't let it control/end my life.
Along those lines, I had a minor triumph yesterday. Last week I had met a really nice woman named Jasmine at playpals. She has a little boy who is Annie's age, and a baby boy. She just moved here from France and doesn't really know anyone. I invited her and the kids over for a playdate. So yesterday was the day of the playdate and I woke up feeling very awful. I didn't know how I was going to go through with it and was tempted to cancel. How could I control my anger, my anxiety? That, plus make conversation and be a good hostess. It seemed impossible and I called her up to cancel. But when she answered the phone, I changed my mind and just said that I was calling to make sure she was still coming. So they came over and we had a really nice time.
Ok i intended to write more about that but my dad just called and really upset me so i have to go (room, ipod, blankie). I will probably post again after my doctor's appointment this afternoon.
I love you all thanks for the continued support!!!!!!

ok, new plan

Still going to go the hard route in therapy, working on the deep issues and stuff.

BUT>>>>

NOT going off my meds, or even cutting back, for now. Today was just a really bad experience and reminded me why I take all these meds in the first place! I was a crazy, unstable ball of emotions, anxiety, inappropriate anger, ect. It was like being on a rollercoaster ride from hell!

The first realization that I came to was that this would be the worst possible time of the year to cut back on meds. I mean, the Xmas season is stressful for everyone, right? And I want to have a really, REALLY nice Xmas. It is my favorite time of the year. And not just for me, but I think my children deserve to have nice memories of fun christmas times, not mom bawling in the corner. So, maybe after christmas, and when I am a little ffurther along in therapy, i might try again to get off some meds. but not now.

That brings up another thing that I thought about today, that Now also touched on. If i am doing really hard work in therapy, I might need the meds to keep me from totally flipping out when things get rough. Maybe going off the meds and doing tough therapy at the same time is too much to bite off.

I'm going to talk to the doctor on friday about some of my experiences I had today on the low dose. I'm kind of wondering if there isn't something else wrong with me besides depression and anxiety.

ok, thats it.

ok, what I'm gonna do instead....

so I decided that going completely off 2 antipychotic medications at the same time was probably not a good idea! So last night I just cut both doses in half. Still, I have alot of anxiety today, so it's a good thing I did not cut them out completely.

Still, I'm feeling really good about this. It was like I was facing down a fork in the road. Down one path, I could cocoon deeper into my world of medications and shock treatment and stay "comfortably numb" and never face my issues. On the other path, the harder one, i could choose to feel. To hurt. To grow up. To face my fears. I guess I am choosing the hard path, but with the hope that it will eventually lead me to a place where I can love myself, thrive, live a full life, ect.

I guess it's kind of like if you had an injury, and you chose to do a course of grueling, painful rehab instead of sitting in a wheelchair popping Lortabs and nursing your injury. Yes, rehab excercises suck, they hurt, and they are time-consuming. But you do them so that in time you can regain full function.

I don't want to live the rest of my life emotionally and psychologically crippled!

So, back to the meds, I am trying to do the responsible thing and just taper off. This totally goes against my all-or-nothing, impulsive personality. But I guess I will have a little more credibility with my doctor if I go in there and tell him I am tapering back, instead of just going off the meds cold turkey. Also, even though I am feeling good about this now, I couldn't shrug off the possibility that I might go into withdrawl and completely crack up and leave my poor husband to pick up the pieces. So all in all I think I made a good choice.

I haven't purged since Saturday. I even went out to eat fot lunch today and had ribs and icecream! I just ate until I was mildly full then stopped. It was really nice. I am working a bit on loving, accepting, and appreciating my body. I have started with my feet. I rub lotion on them, think about how they allow me to get around and excercise, and thank them for all they do for me. I think when I have this down and feel fully accepting of my feet, I will move on to my calves/lower legs. I am definately not ready to confront my stomache yet!

Well, thats about it.