doing better

hmm I guess it's time for an update. The really really good news first.............................................................................................................................................................................................................
....................................................................................................................................................................................
....I have a psychiatrist!!!!! And he's NICE! And he listens!! And he didn't just tell me to go excercise!!!

I had my first appointment with him last Friday. We talked for a long time, mostly about my anxiety. He thinks I should be on an SSRI (Pristiq is an SNRI), so he asked me to go back on Lexapro. I started to cry, because I was scared. Remember, a few months ago Dr. Sean had me go on Lexapro and I thought I had seratonin syndrome from taking too many meds together? I just started worrying that this would happen again. I told the new doctor this and he talked with me about seratonin syndrome and how rare it is and how even the meds I am on would not cause it. He said if I started to worry or feel weird I could call his nurse, and he introduced me to her before I left so she would know who I was. So anyways, I have been taking the Lexapro since friday and already I feel better. I feel hopeful. BTW my new dr's name is Steenblock but I will just call him Dr. S.

I have dental work looming this afternoon. Last night I had two nightmares about it. Well, a nightmare within a nightmare. Like in the movie inception. I dream like that alot. Like, I will have a dream, and "wake up" into another dream. It's funky. Anyways, I am really dreading my dental appointment. I hope this new dentist is nice. I hope I dont have a panic attack and end up bawling my eyes out in front of everyone. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Ed-wise things are ok. A few weeks ago I was feeling really great about my recovery and was even going to write a huge post about it, full of hope and insight and wisdom blah blah blah. Then I ran into a rough patch with my anxiety and for some reason it triggered alot of ED thoughts. Not behaviors, just thoughts about restricting and losing weight. And it made me wonder, am I really as recovered as I thought I was? I guess the fact that I didnt do any restricting or purging says something. But it seems that sometimes when I am struggling with other things in my life, the ED thoughts pop up like an old security blanket. Just when I thought they were gone, there they are. I guess that's probably normal though. I mean, it was my way of coping for years. I still feel good about where I am in my recovery, but some of the "rah rah go fight win" has been sucked out of me. And that's ok. I'll get it back.

XOLisa

remedial

I haven't really felt like posting lately, mostly because things have been kind of falling apart here. I continue to have health-related anxiety. There was a day last week that I was convinced that I had a brain tumor and was quite upset about it. Before that it was liver disease. But even on the days when I'm not freaking out about my health I have a kind of dread, a feelinglike it's not going to last. I spend all my "sane time" waiting for the other shoe to drop. It sucks.

I'm just having a hard time with things in general. I'm exhausted and stressed and the littlest things are causing me to burst into tears. I feel like I am losing control of my life. I am afraid to face my responsibilities. I just want to hide all day in my room with the internet or tv.

My husband told me the other day that he is afraid I am going to be in the hospital soon (YES PLEASE TAKE ME AWAY!). I tried to reassure him. The only way I would go into the hospital is if I felt like I was in danger of hurting myself. I don't feel like hurting myself right now. What I am dealing with is extreme anxiety. If there was some treatment or medicine that I thought the hospital could provide that would help then I would go there. But there isn't, so there would be really no point for me to be hospitalised right now. It would just be a waste of time. Does that make sense? I mean, as awful as my little "freak-outs" and "melt-downs" are, they are not dangerous

EXCEPT........

the toll it takes on my family. the black cloud that settles on the house when I am having a bad day. the worry in my girls' faces when they see mommy cry.
I have to get it together.

My therapist said I might benefit from remedial services. That is when someone visits with you in your home and help you with problem solving and stress management and managing your life. It's kind of like a combination of psychology and occupational therapy. I think I am going to give it a try. I know that I have an anxiey disorder, but I'm sure there are ways I can structure my day and manage things to minimize the stressors in my life that worsen my condition. Even something as simple as putting things back where they belong so I'm not running around the house crying and yelling "where is my white cami it was just right here it's gone where is it". Something as simple as that could make a big difference helping me cope with parts of my day that are particularly stressful (ie getting dressed). Duh. Seems simple enough. I'm 32 years old, I should know how to "be a grownup". But really, I spent the first half of my adulthood in and out of hospitals, care facilities, and homeless shelters. The crash course in adulthood that I got when I became a mom and got married seemed to do the trick for awhile, but the girls are getting older and my husband is now in school fulltime and things are changing and I just feel like I am in over my head. I need help.

So I found a remedial specialist I feel good about (except he's a guy, which makes me a bit uncomfortable about meeting in my home. my sense of propriety and all). His name is Kim, (Kim is also my therapist's name, confusing) and he knows my therapist. He's not with any of those agencies that contract heavily with DHS. I had a bad experience with one of those (strengths-based, my ass!).

I will be a few weeks before we are set up. I guess we'll see how it goes.

this could be a very long week....

So Annie is off school all this week due to conferences, and Emma only has school tue and wed. Already they are driving me crazy! Don't get me wrong, I love my girls, but lately they are FIGHTING constantly and I am seriously fed up! Today I have introduced a new consequence: fining them 2 sillybands apiece when they fight. We'll see how it works. But really, by 9:30 this morning I was ready to lock myself in my room....

We did go on a hike to a sandbar today which was fun. They didn't fight the whole time, which was great. It seems like they only fight when we are hanging around the house. Maybe they are bored. But sometimes I just need to get things done around the house, you know? I wish they could just play together nicely. I think part of it is the age difference. I think it would also help if they didn't have to share a room. But alas, we cannot afford a bigger place. So I guess we will all just have to deal.

I have been thinking alot about my eating disorder recovery lately (as a few of you might have noticed from some rather lengthy comments on your blogs). When I get up the energy I will post about it. So stay tuned for that.

XOLisa

happy birthday to me!

Hola! Today is indeed the day of my birth. Well, it is the day commemorating my birth. Whatever.
My day started with a doctor's appointment, during which I cried while Dr. S. reassured me that I am NOT in congestive heart failure. He said that my symptoms are most likely due to what he politely referred to as "de-conditioning". Hahaha. Believe me, I have never been so happy to be told I was out of shape in my life! Acually, this was a pretty good start to my day, because now I can stop worrying that I am dying, at least until I come up with another symptom to google ;).

We really celebrated my birthday yesterday. When my mom could come to visit and Chris had most of the day off school. Chris and I went to vote together. He was in the voting booth next to me and I whispered loudly "hey, I'll give you five bucks if you vote republican" and he whispered back that I could get arrested. I have a really inappropriate sense of humor sometimes. Anyways' then we went to this cute little tea house and had tea and truffles. Then the girls came home from school and my mom came and we has dinner and opened presents. My mom took this picture of us.....

here is the sweet chocolate pecan pie Chris made for me. Didn't he do an awesome job?

These are my super comfy new footie pajamas I got for my birthday! I LOVE THEM! I might just wear them 24/7.

And here they are again. I think Baby likes them too. He was nibbling on them a bit. There to the left of me you can see the box for my most awesome and shiny new Kitchenaid that I got from my honey! It's red and gorgeous and will change my life I'm sure!

I got some other cool presents and Chris sent me flowers and the sun is shiining today so all in all it had been a pretty nice birthday. I think when Emma gets home from school I am going to take the girls hiking to this really cool sand/rock bar I discovered on the edge of town. I am also toying with the idea of making a pumpkin pie from scratch. Like, having the girls help me scrape out a pumpking and roasting it and pureeing the flesh and making a pie. I think that would be fun for them to see a pumpkin go from whole pumpkin to pumpkin pie. Maybe not. I could be totally out of touch with what kids think is fun. But I think it would be fun, and it's MY birthday!

Love you all!!!!!

P.S. sorry I have sucked at posting and commenting lately. I have been having a rough time. I have been reading blogs, I just can't always think what to say. Love you guys.

mentally ill and not lovin it

Well, hmmm, what's new........................

My anxiety has been sky high, and my body image is in the crapper. I have had more urges to restrict and/or purge than I have had for awhile but so far I have not given in. I was attempting a med change (from Pristiq to Lexapro) but my mental health deteriorated to quickly that I called Dr. S and he said it was ok to go back on the Pristiq so I did and now I am feeling a bit better. I mean, I thought the Pristiq wasn't working, but once I was off it, HOLY CRAP! Crying in public, panic attacks, yelling at my kids....it's been quite the potpourri of loveliness. I just can't have that right now. I mean, it's going to be the holiday season soon, plus my husband has a HUGE workload at school so I am like a single mom most of the time. Not a good time to be falling apart.

I hate being mentally ill. It just sucks so bad to feel like you have no control over your emotions. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know myself. Like, I cant trust myself. It's hard to make plans because I'm never sure what I will be up to doing in the future. Having to coach myself through simple things like taking a shower or going grocery shopping. I feel frustrated alot because I know there is so much more to me. I have so many talents and gifts that just aren't being used or developed because I spend all my time trying to keep my most basic functions online. It's like Maslow's heirarchy of needs. How am I ever supposed to evolve when I am still stuck on "safety, security" and stuff like that?

I don't even know if I am making sense right now. I'm just frustrated right now I guess. Sometimes I see myself through other people's eyes. Like, I have had som much therapy, treatment, medications, even shock treatment. Why am I not doing better?

I get the feeling that people from my "real " life (not you guys) think that I could be better if I wanted to be, that I like being sick, ect. This pisses me off more than anything, and it hurts. Nobody has a choice whether or not to be mentally ill. And I think that I DO make good choices when it comes to the things I can control. I eat and try to take care of my body. I participate in therapy. I take my meds. I ask for help/support when I need it. I try to help support others. I do everything I can to manage my illness to the best of my ability. It pisses me off whe people criticize me for being sick, when I am working so hard NOT to be sick.

Ok I better go because I dont want this to become an angry rant.....

thanks for listening
XOLisa

ok so maybe I do have a sense of humor

I went to see a documentary about mental illness last night. At one point in the film, one of the people being featured said "mental illness is the only disease you can get yelled at for having".

I turned to my friend and whispered "what about herpes!?".

just a short update

I am ok. This weekend I was dealing with family/marital issues which sucked. But we got through it.

I took Emma on a mother/daughter overnight camp on Friday and we had SO MUCH FUN! I will do a post on that, with pictures, hopefully soon.

I have been really struggling with the health anxiety lately. Monday night I was up late, convinced I had a brain tumor and/or some heart problem that I cant remember how to spell. I was crying and scared and at times I felt like I was really losing it. My poor husband stayed up late with me until I finally calmed down and could sleep. He is being more understanding about this lately. I think he realizes now that it really is "real" in my head and has been more sympathetic.

My body image is in the crapper right now. When I am depressed I lose my appetite, and when I am anxious I tend to overeat. So guess which one is going on right now? Fortunately I don't have a scale, but all my clothes are tight. Even my skin feels tight. And it doesn't help that it is the week before my period. Oh well. I'm sure I will fall into a depression soon and it will all even out. How's that for positive thinking?

Well I will leave you with this lovely photo. If you were driving down south 5th street or Duff avenue last Wed afternoon, you might have seen Annie and I squatting at the edge of this puddle behind the bowling alley, nets in hand, staring at the muddy water, and wondered what the hell we were doing. We were waiting for the frogs to pop back up. I discovered that there were a bunch of frogs living here earlier in the day when I was walking to the bank. And if I see a frog, I just cant leave it alone. It's a sickness or something. So we got our nets and went over there. After about 45 minuted we came home covered with mud, but successful. We got 2 frogs. We just played with them and showed them to our neighbors/landlord/anyone who was outside. That night I was just going to let them go in our back yard, but the girls got upset and worried that they would get eaten by a snake or something. So I drove the frogs (in my pajamas) back home to their puddle and let them go.

Anyways, I had alot of fun catching those frogs because I like to find animals and nature where you wouldn't expect it, like the parking lot behind the bowling alley.

Well thats about it. Have a nice day and thanks for reading!