:/

To elaborate on the last post......

I am freaking depressed. I feel like a bad mom (and I dont want anyone to comment about what a great mom I supposedly am because you guys just see the good stuff on here). I don't have any friends here, in person, that I can relate to or talk to. I hate my body. I know I should probably be excercising but it is too much of an effort. EVERYTHING is too much of an effort. Even things that I usually enjoy are just no fun right now.....so why bother. All I really want to do is sit and watch TV and not talk to ANYBODY. If I could just sit in my room all day and watch tv that would be fine with me. By the way, I normally abhor the "plugged in" all the time lifestyle and I really try to limit how much the tv is on in our house. So, right now I am not setting a very good example for my girls. But I am not thinking about that at the moment. I am thinking about NOT thinking and just numbing out.
I dont have anything coming up with my T right now and I should schedule something but I just dont see the point. I'm freakin depressed, what else is there to talk about?

boo

I am NOT ok right now. That is all. I will right more later when this ginormous headache goes away.

oh no they didn't!

A good friend let me know the other day that our parks and recreation has posted a "very cute" photo of Annie and I at the pool on the aquatic center's FB page. I wasnt sure how I felt about this, and after finding the picture and looking at it, I am still not sure. I think it bothers me. I am just trying to figure out if it bothers me enough to ask them to take it down.

I am a recover(ed?)(ing?) anorexic and bulimic and I have never had a very good body image. That plus the fact that I have gained a crapton MORE weight this winter, and it's a wonder that I go out in public AT ALL in my bathing suit! If I didn't have kids, I wouldn't.

I have a miraclesuit. No crap, it's really called a miraclesuit! It has all this technology and stuff to suck your stomach in. As far as swimsuits go, it is pretty decent. But, even with the miraclesuit, I would be hard pressed to let someone take a picture of me in it. And if I did, I would have to be posed perfectly to avoid an unflattering shot that would make me want to go cut off my stomach with garden shears. But even under the best of conditions, I might still delete the picture. And if I kept it, I would only share it with a select few people.

Come on, think about the last time you posted a pic on your blog (if you do). Tell me you didn't obsess over it, at least a little bit?

Oh, and another thing, I would NEVER let a stranger take my photo in a swimsuit!

Which brings to mind, I remember seeing the photographer. Annie and I were coming around the bend in the lazy river and I saw her focusing her lense in our direction. I immediately put my hands over my face in what I assumed was the universal sign for "take my picture and I'll punch you in the kidney!" but maybe she didn't quite get the message.

What resulted was a very akward photo of me with my hand up near my ear. But..........

Annie is also in the picture and she looks adorable! Something in me feels guilty about deleting a picture of her. I cant quite put my finger on it. Maybe it's the proud mama in me who is thrilled that they posted a picture of my litte cutie! She SHOULD be on the site; she's a cute kid having fun at the pool on a hot day.

Its late and I'm tired and I dont even know what I am talking about anymore. Bottom line is, shes a cute kid and I'm glad her pic is up there but I hate that I'm in it and I want my whole body taken out or at least photoshopped and I think it's a huge invasion of my privacy and its making me feel really insecure especially because at least two people I know have seen it and probably more and I want to call on Monday to ask them to take it down but now that people know about it I am afraid that they will think I am a bad sport or a weirdo or a bad mom.

If nobody had said anything I wouldnt even have known it is out there.

I need a job.

I have started looking for a part-time job and so far I am discouraged. I am not sure how to fill out an application. How do I explain an 11 year gap in employment? And I sure am not going to put any of the 16 jobs I had in the 3 years I was working....it just doesn't look good. I am going to the workforce developement center tomorrow; maybe that will help.


I did get my hopes up a bit when I saw an add for a job houskeeping nude or just in underwear. I know how to clean a house, plus I can supply my own uniform! However, as I read further, I saw that they wanted a young male for the job. Sigh.
Isn't it against the law to to not hire someone because of their gender? Whatver.....

conversation with Emma

Here it is, the question I have been dreading.....way worse than "Mommy, how are babies made?". It happened last night......



Emma: mom, do you think I am overweight?

Me (calm outside, internally freaking): No. Not even a little. Why do you ask?

Emma: I dont know.....

Me: did somebody say you were overweight?

Emma: no, but.......alot of kids in my class weigh in the 40's or 50's and I weigh 75.

Me: well, you are taller than most of the kids in your class, so you would weigh more. Your weight is normal for your height. Plus, you are pretty muscular, and muscle weighs more.

Emma:but, you know how when I saw Dr. Paschen for my leg and they weighed me an it said 75?

Me: yep.

Emma: but the last time I was there it was like 74. So I gained weight.

Me: Well, you are growing. You will keep on growing and it will be normal for you to keep gaining weight and getting taller until you get to your adult size. That's how it works. Its ok.

Emma: hmmmm


Then the conversation was pretty much over and we talked about other stuff. I like to think that I satisfied her questions, but I worry that she is still thinking about it. I have forseen this because Emma seems to be developing ahead of her class; she is a head taller than most of the girls and wears clothing sized for kids a few years older than her. I also know that she gets alot of "education" about eating healthy and not being overweight and stuff (thank you Michelle Obama). I had lunch at my daughter's school the other day and heard Emma's little friends talk about which foods they weren't eating because they were fattening. Incidently, this conversation started because Emma and I were eating cheese. I seized the opportunity to tell the girls that it is ok to eat fat because fat is a vital nutrient and we need it to survive. I also told them that no one food would make them fat and that you can eat all foods as long as you eat a variety and not the same foods all the time. I think I blew their little minds.

I was thinking about myself at Emma's age. By nine, I had a really bad body image and felt like I looked different and my body was dfferent that other kids in my class. It was a sort of difference that felt bad. But it wasnt until later that I connected it to my weight. I dont even think that I knew my weight at that age. I didn't know anything about dieting either. My mom didn't diet or buy diet foods. We didn't watch alot of TV and didnt have women's magazines around. I didnt understand what calories were or how they related to my body or shape.
This is why I felt a knot in my stomache, thinking about this conversation with Emma. Not only has she noticed her weight, the number, but she has noticed a one pound weight gain enough to be concerned about it. I swear, the window of innocence in getting smaller and smaller. I wish she wasnt thinking about these things. Well who knows, maybe she is not thinking about them as much as I think she is and I am just spazzing out. What do you all think?

BTW, if you are my friend on FB, I posted a link to a news story about Sketcher's new Shape-ups shoes for girls as young as age 7! Notice they don't make them for boys *ahem*.

@&#*$&%*#blogger!

 I cleaned the girl's room yesterday. Here are the before pictures....

 How could they even move around in there?

 

Much better!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok blogger is being a huge a*hole and I am done screwing with it for now. The above pics are fom visiting with my brother and seeing my new baby niece on Mother's day. Will be back with a meatier post later. @*#&$&%%*!

insert title here

I start CNA (certified nurse aide) training on Saturday. It will be every Saturday from 8-4:30 until mid August. Suck!
So, I got my textbook the other day and already I see a problem developing. Every time I open the book I see some gross picture that makes me gag! Like a gnarly bedsore, or a cutaway diagram of the CNA sticking her/his finger up someones butt in search of a turd (deimpacting). I can barely read about this stuff- how am I ever going to do this!? Well, we'll see, I guess. On the upside, I did get a cute purplish-pinkish stethescope that I cant wait to play with....


Ok, subject change.

I restricted last week, for two days. Durring these two days I was...
  1.hungry
  2.shaky
  3.weak
  4.cranky
  5.depressed
  6.hungry

and I...

  1.couldn't stop thinking about food and counting calories
  2.was in a general daze and had brain fog
  3.felt really guilty
  4.didnt really lose any weight

Sounds like fun, right?
Haha, not.

SO I started eating again, and probably overate to make up for the days I didnt eat much. It seems to me I could have just skipped the whole thing and come out the same.. Still, this experience has given me something to think about.

For one thing, the guilt is new. I never used to feel guily about restricting. I think the difference is, now I have a choice, and I know it. There was a time in my ED that I didnt have a choice. I firmly believe that, and so does my T. Otherwise I would have gotten better a long time ago. I wished for a change, but continued in my ED because I didn't know how to stop. I was entrenched in the illness and couldn't see a way out. Well, now that I HAVE found my way out of that hole, I feel that stepping back into it by my own choice would be just....wrong. It would be like throwing away all the hard work and the struggle I have done to get to this place. It would be like a big "eff you!" to all the people who have been there for me, and without who's support I wouldn't be there today. Hence the guilt.

Sometimes I think I a little guilt is a good thing.