yep, I am still a hypochondriac (I checked)

One reason that I have not been blogging as much this summer is that I have been struggling with body image REALLY BAD and every time I have sat down to blog all I can think about is complaining about my body and weight. Obviously I know that would not be helpful to me or anyone reading, so I have restrained myself. But it has been a struggle, and my zest and zeal for recovery has been reduced to a mere plodding along, putting one foot in front of the other, because I know "it's worth it!".

I have been gaining weight since last December and have suspected Lexapro to be the culprit, since that was around the time I started taking it. I dont know if you all remember but my doctor put me on it because he wanted me on an SSRI (I was on pristiq which is an SNRI) for my health anxiety. My health anxiet is basically hypochondriasis, but that is not my official diagnoses, because I have alrady been diagnosed with anxiety. Hypochondria is only diagnosed when it is the primary symptom, but I have other anxiety problems as well.

So anyways, the Lexparo helped dramatically with my health anxiety and I went from frequent calls to the nurse and doctor, urgent care, and ER visits, to having no health worries at all. It was great! Fast-forward to now. I havent had any signifigant health worries for several months. I dont think I have been to the ER since the lexapro. But I am really down about my weight. So I decided to try going off the lexapro. I called my psychdoc's nurse and let her know and explained why and she said to call if I had a any problems and also to go back on the lexapro if I felt worse after stopping it. Well I went from 30mgs down to 20mgs without any problems, but after I got down to 10, things started to change. This past week I have called the on-call dentist because I was afraid that I had an infection in my jaw from dental work I had done. I don't, but he gave me some antibiotics just to be sure (bad, I know). Then I was having chest pains and I called FirstNurse and my mom, who is a nurse. I went to the ER (but in my defense, they both told me to) and after a few hours and ekg and chest x-rays the doc told me I was fine and it was likely costocondritis, which I have had before. I think I would have recognized that if I had been on the Lexapro. But in my anxiety I went straight to "heart attack", of course. Oh, and I saw a friend from church while I was in the ER which was kind of embarassing.

So yesterday I started my full dose again but I dont think it has kicked in yet because today I was SURE I was pregnant (even though today is the last day of my period) and I had to run out and take TWO pregnancy tests and even though they were both negative I am still worried I am pregnant and worrying about what the dental x-rays and chest x-ray and meds have done to my (imaginary) unborn child. It's like, even though the logical part of me knows I am fine, there is a part of my brain that believes something different and continues to obsess over it. SO frustrating.

Well, the lexapro may or may not be affecting my weight, but I am stuck with it for now, because the turmoil I have gone through this week was more distressing to me than my bad body image. I also think I need to face my body image and learn to look outside of the physical to find value with myself instead of trying to fix the problem with weight loss (even healthy weight loss, which is all I was planning).

Peace out :)

4th of july

 Ok here are some overdue pictures from the 4th of July. We went to Living History Farms in Des Moines. It's this old fashioned village with with people dressed in period costumes demonstrating what life was like in the 1800's. There were lots of hands-on activities for kids, and since it was the 4th of july there were additional games and fun things to do. It was a really fun day and I also thought that it was an educational and appropriate thing to do for the holiday.

Here is Emma in the blacksmith's shop hammering a red hot steel rod. Yeah, I thought it was a bit dangerous, but they seemed to know what they were doing.

 Here is Annie working the bellows. You cant see the bellow because it is really huge and is hanging from the ceilling. The air from the bellows blew into a pipe the went down to where the fire was.

 Here is the one room schoolhouse. Do you see those kids sitting at the front? Well, MY girls were sitting there, but they got up for a second and these kids took their spots. Grrrrrr. In case I haven't mentioned it, other people's kids get on my nerves.

 Annie trying out some stilts. I tried them too and they are ALOT harder than they look.

 Chris letting one go in a watermelon seed spitting contest. He got 19 feet.

 I gave it a shot but I only got about 3 feet. It was kind of pathetic.

 Even the girls got about 9 feet each!

 Potato sack race. MUCH harder than it looks.

 Pie eating contest (Emma and Annie are on the left). I thought about participating but I wanted it to be a fair competition hehe.

 Emma got second place. See the look on her face? Yeah, it took her awhile to recover.

 Annie going for the gusto. When she realized that she didnt get a ribbon she was sad, but this really nice guy who had third place gave her his ribbon. Isn't that nice?

BEST. PHARMACY. EVER. Too bad I didn't have a prescription.

 These pigs were cute but they smelled SO bad. I thought I was going to vomit.

The girls playing with old fashioned hoops, and an annoying kid who kept getting in my pictures.

The girls are playing "penny scramble", which involveds tossing some pennies into a pile of hay and having the kids try to find them. They loved it so much I am thinking of buying a bale of hay.



Emma is scraping a bison hide at the indian farm.

Well that is about it. We had a pretty good day and also watched some fireworks and did sparklers that night. The fourth of July has not been my favorite holiday because I have a very bad memories associated with it, but I am healing from that and have found that actually going out and celebrating the holiday and making new memories (instead of sitting around and pretending the 4th didnt exist) has actually helped to put it behind me.

Well I still have more to update on but this is going to be it for now.

XOLisa 

update coming

Thank you everyone for the great support on my last post. I am sorry I havent updated but I AM doing better and am back to seeing my therapist. I know I owe a big long update but that will have to wait until tomorrow because I am very tired. I just have so many things to write about. So look for the real update soon!

:/

To elaborate on the last post......

I am freaking depressed. I feel like a bad mom (and I dont want anyone to comment about what a great mom I supposedly am because you guys just see the good stuff on here). I don't have any friends here, in person, that I can relate to or talk to. I hate my body. I know I should probably be excercising but it is too much of an effort. EVERYTHING is too much of an effort. Even things that I usually enjoy are just no fun right now.....so why bother. All I really want to do is sit and watch TV and not talk to ANYBODY. If I could just sit in my room all day and watch tv that would be fine with me. By the way, I normally abhor the "plugged in" all the time lifestyle and I really try to limit how much the tv is on in our house. So, right now I am not setting a very good example for my girls. But I am not thinking about that at the moment. I am thinking about NOT thinking and just numbing out.
I dont have anything coming up with my T right now and I should schedule something but I just dont see the point. I'm freakin depressed, what else is there to talk about?

boo

I am NOT ok right now. That is all. I will right more later when this ginormous headache goes away.

oh no they didn't!

A good friend let me know the other day that our parks and recreation has posted a "very cute" photo of Annie and I at the pool on the aquatic center's FB page. I wasnt sure how I felt about this, and after finding the picture and looking at it, I am still not sure. I think it bothers me. I am just trying to figure out if it bothers me enough to ask them to take it down.

I am a recover(ed?)(ing?) anorexic and bulimic and I have never had a very good body image. That plus the fact that I have gained a crapton MORE weight this winter, and it's a wonder that I go out in public AT ALL in my bathing suit! If I didn't have kids, I wouldn't.

I have a miraclesuit. No crap, it's really called a miraclesuit! It has all this technology and stuff to suck your stomach in. As far as swimsuits go, it is pretty decent. But, even with the miraclesuit, I would be hard pressed to let someone take a picture of me in it. And if I did, I would have to be posed perfectly to avoid an unflattering shot that would make me want to go cut off my stomach with garden shears. But even under the best of conditions, I might still delete the picture. And if I kept it, I would only share it with a select few people.

Come on, think about the last time you posted a pic on your blog (if you do). Tell me you didn't obsess over it, at least a little bit?

Oh, and another thing, I would NEVER let a stranger take my photo in a swimsuit!

Which brings to mind, I remember seeing the photographer. Annie and I were coming around the bend in the lazy river and I saw her focusing her lense in our direction. I immediately put my hands over my face in what I assumed was the universal sign for "take my picture and I'll punch you in the kidney!" but maybe she didn't quite get the message.

What resulted was a very akward photo of me with my hand up near my ear. But..........

Annie is also in the picture and she looks adorable! Something in me feels guilty about deleting a picture of her. I cant quite put my finger on it. Maybe it's the proud mama in me who is thrilled that they posted a picture of my litte cutie! She SHOULD be on the site; she's a cute kid having fun at the pool on a hot day.

Its late and I'm tired and I dont even know what I am talking about anymore. Bottom line is, shes a cute kid and I'm glad her pic is up there but I hate that I'm in it and I want my whole body taken out or at least photoshopped and I think it's a huge invasion of my privacy and its making me feel really insecure especially because at least two people I know have seen it and probably more and I want to call on Monday to ask them to take it down but now that people know about it I am afraid that they will think I am a bad sport or a weirdo or a bad mom.

If nobody had said anything I wouldnt even have known it is out there.

I need a job.

I have started looking for a part-time job and so far I am discouraged. I am not sure how to fill out an application. How do I explain an 11 year gap in employment? And I sure am not going to put any of the 16 jobs I had in the 3 years I was working....it just doesn't look good. I am going to the workforce developement center tomorrow; maybe that will help.


I did get my hopes up a bit when I saw an add for a job houskeeping nude or just in underwear. I know how to clean a house, plus I can supply my own uniform! However, as I read further, I saw that they wanted a young male for the job. Sigh.
Isn't it against the law to to not hire someone because of their gender? Whatver.....