Fear and Change

A lot has happened the past two days, or it seems like. I am trying to collect my thoughts. I wish my therapist was in on Fridays, but she isn't. I guess this blog will have to sub for therapy, which is ok because it has before.

Yesterday I completely freaked out. I think it was the strain of the past few days just wearing me down. I woke up very anxious and jumpy and had Chris dole me out a Xanax before he left for school. But at about 11:30 the Xanax wore off and I was even more anxious and then I started feeling suicidal. My meds are all locked up, but Chris had recently gotten some Lunesta which was not locked up and I had a strong feeling that if I was in the house any longer I was going to overdose on it. So I got Annie in the car and called Chris and told him that I was on my way to pick him up. His class was out but usually he takes the bus home, but I felt I had to get out of the house and cold not wait.
When we got home I was very upset and could not go back in the house. So I sat out in the car while Chris and Annie went in the house and had lunch. Then they came back and it was time for my appointment with Dr. Sean so we went there.
I was very upset at Dr.Sean's office, shaking, unable to talk or focus. Chris and the doctor talked most of the time. Dr. S decided to take me off Xanax, put me on librium instead, and increase my oral risperidone and also put me on risperidone injections right away. He wanted us to go to Walgreens (the only place that had the risperidal shot in stock) and come right back and have the nurse give me the shot. So we went to Walgreens but found out my insurance hadnt authorized the shot yet and it was like $280. So we called the Dr's office and he said it would be ok to wait until today after I had IOP, it would be authorized by then. He also had me make an appointment for next tues to come back to see him.
Then we went to hy-vee to get my librium but they didn't have any in stock. So I came home and took a Xanax and the rest of the evening was kind of a blur. At one point I asked Chris if it would be easier if I was just in a group home and he didn't have to be my caretaker and could go on with his life, but his answer was an emphatic "no". He got me a very lovely card at the Hy-vee and if made me feel alot better.

Ok, so I woke up this morning with these goals: go to IOP, pick up the risperdal shot and the Librium, take the shot to the Dr's office to have them inject it, stay calm and don't have a crisis.
At IOP, everything got shaken up.

I was supposed to see the psychiatrist at IOP for the first time today, but he was busy so he sent his physician's assistant to see me. The PA took my history, including the new meds from yesterday, and I could tell she was not happy. She had me wait while she consulted the doctor, and then she came back and told me to NOT get the shot, or the librium, and they want to take me off of most of my meds, starting with the methylphenidate right away. I just started to cry, because I was so anxious about this. I mean, i just had this "breakdown" yesterday, and Dr. S had changed some things and that was supposed to help, and here was this PA telling me to do the opposite. And the thing is, i know Dr. Sean and I trust him. These people don't know me at all.
On the way home i called Dr Seans nurse and talked to her and I was very upset and I didn't know what to do. Get the shot, dont get the shot? Go off the methylP? What about the librium? The PA told me to take Xanax in a pinch, but DR S didn't want me to take it anymore. AARRGH!

Dr. Sean called me back and told me that he had talked with the PA and I'm not even going to go into that whole conversation but basically he though I should do what they told me to do. So I was like "ok, see you tues" and he said no, they cancelled that appointment because the psychiatrist was going to do my meds now. So I just said "ok, well, take it easy then."

I feel as though my whole world has been shaken up. On one hand, I was looking forward to having a psychiatrist take a look at my meds. But I didn't know that he would switch everything around (without meeting me)! Who is this guy, anyway? Can I trust him? That might sound like a paranoid question, but I have dealt with psychiatrists who just as soon commit you as look at you. In the condition I was in yesterday, a psychiatrist might have committed me. I have always appreciated Dr. Seans's willingness to trust me and work with me. Now he is gone (or it feels like he is). Have I started down a risky road? Today at IOP I was signing releases and I noticed that one of them was for CPC, with is county case management, and i got really scared and asked them why they needed that release. I was thinking "are they thinking of putting me in a group home?"! But the lady said it was just a funding source, in case my insurance didn't pay for the IOP.

Part of me is thinking "run! run while you still can!". Have I started down a risky road that will lead to having my life controlled by psychiatrists and social workers again? Or am I just worrying too much. Should I quit IOP and just go back to DR Sean? But maybe he wouldn't take me back, after all, he agreed with the PA.

I don't know what to do. i will just try not to "be crazy". I am not going to give them any reason to committ me. I wish my therapist was in today. I would love to hear her take on all this.

I know I am getting paraniod because I was just in the tub and there was a knock on the door and the door bell rang at the same time, you know, like "officaial" people do. I felt cold all over because I knew it was the sherriff, come to take me to the psych ward, and all I could think is "no they cant do this! I'm ok! I'm not doing anything wrong!". But it was just the UPS guy with a book from Barnes and Noble.com. Sigh of relief.

over a fence

I was suprised and happy to learn yesterday that my dad bonded out of jail. I guess the felony escape charge from iowa didnt come up on the computer, so it looked to them that he hadn't been in trouble before, and of course he didn't say anything. So my dad is back home and he told me that they even left him one full pipe so he could smoke when he got there. He has a lawyer and is hopeful to get probation, but I am under no illusions that he could complete probation successfully. I mean, they do drug tests, and he would have to get a job (gasp) and stuff like that. Well i am going to try not to worry and just be glad that for now he is out.

His bust made the evening news and I guess he had like 15 minutes of fame while he was in jail. the other prisoners were whispering about him and asking "is that the guy? Is that him?" and they were giving him high fives and stuff. I guess he got a nickname in jail- "old school"- that's what they were calling him. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to glorify what my dad did or make light of the situation. It's just that sometimes I think my dad is funny, is all. Do you think I should start calling him "Old School"?

It turns out his neighbor Dave turned him in. My dad built a privacy fence that obstructed Dave's view (they all like to sit on the front porch and watch the goins' on down south) and this pissed Dave off. He started hinting to my dad that if he didn't take down the fence, he was going to narc him off. My Dad was worried about it, but didn't really think Dave would do it, especially since Dave sold pot for my dad sometimes. Well, my Dad is really mad now and he told me last night that now he is going to extend the fence all the way to the street just to show him and mess up his view even more! Seriously, these are grown men.

IOP was ok. Not great, just ok. If nothing else, I will get to see the psychiatrist on friday and hopefully get some input on my meds. There are only 3 of us in IOP. Maybe i will write a little more about it later.

The weather here is so nice. I stopped at the store today and got some more sidewalk chalk and bubbles and some little plastic boats for Annie to play with in her bucket o' water. So we are sitting outside again and enjoying ourselves. I actually feel pretty decent right at this moment.

I know I have been behind and inconsistent on commenting on people's blogs, and I am sorry about that. I have been reading every single blog but sometimes that is all I can do and I cant think of anything to say. But I know alot of people are struggling right now and i am thinking of you all even if I didnt comment. I will try to do better, the last few days have been crazy. Thank you all for the support and love you have shown me, it is the best therapy ever!