First Nurse @&#$*!

Ok, I think that McFarland Clinic needs to give their nurses who man the First Nurse phones some sensitivity training, or something.

I called last night to ask a question about taking ibubrofen (see previous post). It was kind of embarassing because I had to tell the nurse about my "poop problems" and bleeding and such, which was why I was concerned about taking the ibuprofen, because you aren't supposed to take it if you have GI bleeding.
So anyways, the nurse pulls up my chart on the computer and she says "I see you have anxiety and depression......." in a way that made me think that she thinks this has something to do with what I am talking about. This has happened before. I don't know why they have to bring it up! It has nothing to do with my costochondritis or GI bleeding! Then she said "you are on lexapro, prisiq, trazodone, and buspar. Wow, that's alot of medication! You take all that medication!?"
I was beyond irritated by this comment. First of all, that's not really that much medication. I have been on more in the past, and I know alot of people with mental illness that take more medications than that. But it was mostly the tone in her voice that bothered me. It was a judging, dissapproving tone. I know what you are thinking, that I was probably just embarassed and feeling sensitive (and I was), but really, she used the tone. Then she just didn't say anything, I guess she was waiting for me to answer her ridiculous comment, so I just said "yeah" and got back to asking her about my real problem. But fot the rest of the conversation, she talked to me in that "careful, this lady might be crazy, so lets not upset her" voice. You know, the too-friendly, overly slow, carefully enunciated way that people speak to children/the elderly/mentally ill.

Yeah, I was about done after that. I said "thanks for the help" click.

But the good news is, my chest is feeling a little better, and today I POOPED!

Maybe she annoyed the crap out of me.

attention-seeking behavior

I have a confession to make. The last few days, I have been thinking about quitting eating altogether. Just stopping. Just throwing my hands up in the air and saying "Eff it, I'm done!".

Not because I think I'm fat (which I do ). But just so people will see. They will see that i am in the midst of a five alarm mental emergency. That I am anxious and depressed and everything is excrutiating and I'm not effing fine! I'm tired of looking so great. I hate it when I see people and they tell me how great I look! I dont feel great! I'm dying inside, and looking great isn't really paying off for me.

I just want my outsides to match my insides. I want people to see how much I am hurting. As I said to my therapist, there is no medical test or measurement of emotional pain. They cant draw my blood and look at it and say "gee, this kid is really losing it. Maybe we should try to get her in a little sooner." But if I quit eating....if I quit eating....that's a measurable and visible decline in health. Then suddenly, you are an urgent case. People move schedules around, they fit you in somehow.

My husband Chris is really the only one who knows how bad i am doing right now. Ironically, he is the one who I want NOT to know! It worries him so bad, and he has enough stress already. I hate to add to his burden.

This evening I made dinner for my family, then told Chris I wasn't up to eating and went in my room and laid down. As I lay there, I could hear Chris and the girls eating and the guilt began to gnaw at me and I asked myself "is this really what i want? Do I want my girls to have memories of dinnertimes where Mom wasn't there? Do I want Chris to sit at the table as the sole parent, his stomach churning with anxiety as he worries about his wife?". I told myself that this was not acceptable behavior, that I just needed to get my ass in gear and go into the kitchen and join them. So I went in and sat down and ate a little dinner. And purged afterwards.

I don't know how I got to the place where i am right now. I so desperately want to be the HEALTHY wife and mother that my family deserves! I can't "quit" eating. It would only make things worse. What do I do?

It occurs to me that I am not a bad person. I am just a person who is struggling with severe and persistent mental illness, who has been through some pretty drastic med shifts lately, who is currently between doctors right now, and who is not handling it very well. I am suffering. this is not my fault. I do, however, have a choice in how I will deal with things. Today I did not make good choices in regards to self care. I did, however, make other notable good choices. I emailed my daughter's teacher and volunteered to drive for a field trip. I took Annie to the park. I did 2 loads of laundry. I gave Emma an extra long backscratch because she is not feeling well.

See, I am hanging in there. By a thread.