try, try again...

Well, i'm sorry to say that i have been doing REALLY bad with the bulimia lately, like, REALLY bad. My wieght is stable but i'm worried about my health due to the near constant purging. It is also taking a toll on me emotionally. Something has to change, like, now!
Last night, I came up with a plan, kind of like a contract-thingy. In it, i stated that i would go back on supplements, since that has been something that has been effective to stop the purging in the past (this will be temporary- i am reviewing the "contract" every week). I also contracted to not buy food for the purposes of bingeing and purging. Another thing i am going to do is only weigh myself once a week. And the last thing is, i committed to have live contact with a friend each day, even if it is just a phone call (internet doesn't count). This is to keep me from isolating and build my support network. The internet is great,, but i think i am getting addicted to it a little bit and need to find a balance.
To keep myself accountable, and to give my contract some teeth, i wrote that if i did not see signifigant, measurable improvement in 2 weeks i would immediately seek a "higher level of care". Chris asked me what i meant by this, and i told him i left it purposely vague, because i don't even want to think about going into inpatient treatment again. But i need to light some kind of a fire under my bum and take this thing seriously cause , i mean, i could, like, die. I feel like every time i purge i'm playing russian roulette with my life.
Anyway, my husband and i both sighned the contract last night. I will review it next week and maybe add some things. I know there are more things i need to change that would help me recover, but i'm not ready to face them yet. I also got a priesthood blessing last night.
So far today i am off to a shaky start. I binged and purged this morning but am determined to pull myself together and make it the rest of the day. If i can, it will still be the best day i have had in ahwile. And, i'm not expecting perfection just yet. Improvement is what i'm looking for. Steady improvement. If anyone is reading this, please pray for me (if you pray) and i will do the same for you, because we all need all the help we can get!

sheets and supplements

I'm dissappionted. No, I'm disgruntled! The new sheets i bought yesterday are ROUGH! Like SANDPAPER! I should have expected it; should have known better than to buy only 300 threadcount. But they were so smooth, so impossibly satiny when i felt them up in TJ Maxx! And they are Egyptian cotton, which sounded luxuriouss at the time. Where did i go wrong? Maybe the roughifacation happened when i washed them (wash before use) but i used fabric softener. The husband likes them and thinks they are just fine. I'm just a very tactile person. Well, the bed has been made, and now i must lie in it. I guess i am being overly dramatic. It's just that I look forward to bedtime like my kids look forward to Christmas, and i want everything just right. Maybe they will wear smooth after awhile.
Other news of my borring life: it has now been a week since i last binged or purged! YAY! I have accomplished this feat by mostly just eating Boost shakes and apples, you know, things that will sustain me and not trigger me to want to purge. My body image is taking a hit, though. Due to the dramatic increase in dairy (from the Boost) in my diet my intestines have blown up like baloons and i look like i have swallowed a small basketball, which is very distressing. Nobody seems to notice it but me, though. Anyway, if i can be successful with this plan for a few more weeks then i would like to tackle eating "real" food again. And don't worry, I definitly AM NOT going to be one of those people who posts pictures of themselves posing with cans of supplement on their facebook page! Ok, if you are reading this, and you did that, i hope I didn't offend you. It's just not my thing.