"body Image nightmare" or "the walk of shame"

ok, so, last night i was experiencing some MAJOR anxiety post-dinner, so I decided to go for a walk before I ended up doing anything I would regret (ahempurgeahem). I started out for my walk and pretty soon noticed that there was something downright disturbing going on. That is, my stomach was sticking out so far that it seemed to be going on ahead of me. Like, as if to announce the arrival of the fatass behind it. I know, I know, you are all rolling your eyes, but i'm serious! I mean if I were to walk into a wall, my stomach would hit the wall a full two seconds before the rest of me did. As in, I look pregnant! Grrr!

And then it got worse! As I walked, the wind started to blow against me, flattening my t-shirt against my stomach and outlining every roll and pooch for all to behold! It was the worst! I had to cut my walk short because I couldn't handle it. I was so embarassed and ashamed.

I came home with new determination to lose weight, but two hours later i somehow found myself on the couch with a bowl of icecream. Which is ok i guess considering my last post about how I'm not going to focus on losing this weight Iv'e gained and so on. And I suppose, as awful as it was, it was probably progress that I was able to feel those feelings last night and resist the urge to throw it all up.

I know that, according to the number on the scale, I'm not overweight. Then why do I look so freaking fat? Or does the height/weight chart simply apply to everyone else but me?

i'm waiting for the recovery fairy to come along and wave a magic wand over my head and say "love yourself" and poof! I will have good body image. But it doesn't seem to be happening. I guess for now i will have to find something else about myself to love besides my looks. Scary.

humph

I went to my dietitian appointment today only to find out that it is next week, not today. Humph! I really needed to talk to her, too. Once again I have found myself in the trenches of bulimia. I have not been very accepting of my weight and my body lately and this unhappiness has manifested itself by increased purging. I am feeling very discouraged. Will I throw up for the rest of my life?

I really feel like I need more structure. My eating has just been so chaotic and haphazard. I need a meal plan to follow, or something like. Mostly I have no idea what I'm going to eat, and then when a mealtime rolls around I make choices that I am uncomfortable with and end up purging. Although lets face it, I am uncomfortable with just about any food in my stomach.

I also hate the way I feel in this body. I hate not being thin. I feel so "normal", so mediocre. I feel invisible. I know i need to find another way to feel special and important besides being scary thin. I just haven't found it yet. Sometimes I feel like there isn't even a "me" without this eating disorder. Double humph.

i am making blueberry pancakes and turkey bacon and cantaloupe for dinner. Pancakes are difficult for me. I vow to anyone who reads this blog that I will eat an "appropriate" amount and not purge. I think can do it for at least one meal. I think thats the best way for me to fight this: one meal at a time.

doing better

Well after a morning of listening to my kids (and ED) whine at me I was about ready to shoot myself in the head but of course I did not. Instead I called around until I found someone with kids who would want to meet me and my girls at a park. So I met up with my friend K at this one school's playground. It was an awesome playground; one of those big wooden ones with turrets and tire swings and secret passages. And K clued me in to the fact that the school system is serving free lunches there for the summer (for kids only) so we stayed and had lunch. Then K was taking her kids swimming, and Emma begged and begged, so even though I hate to swim I caved and we went to the pool. But to my suprise it turned out to be a lot of fun! It wasn't too crowded and the water was nice and warm (one of my big complaints about swimming is that I'm always cold). I took Annie down the water slide over and over and she giggled and laughed the whole time. And Emma found some friends from school so she had plenty of playmates.

Several times i just sat at the edge of the pool and this feeling of well-being and happiness come over me and I was so greatful that the day had turned around. It just goes to show me that if I put myself out there I have the ability to improve my situation for myself and the girls. I just have to make it happen

I was tempted to restrict because the lunches were just for the girls and I told myself it would be a good time to skip lunch. But I ended up grabbing a boost when we stopped home for our swimsuits. So that was ok.
Being in a swimsuit is reallly triggering for me right now. I bought the suit before I gained this weight, and it fits me differently now. I'm paranoid that it doesn't cover my massive booty and my cheeks are hanging out! And I'm constantly comparing myself to other women at the pool. It's hard. i keep telling myself that I will be happier and things will be better if I lose the weight that I gained, but I know that isn't true. Sigh. Sometimes I feel like I'm a 30-year old who is just now learning how to live.

weight blah blah blah

I went raspberry picking today, by myself, along this bike trail. It was pretty nice, the weather was beautiful. Everything was perfect except maybe for the fact that someone had been there before me and picked almost all the ripe berries! Oh, well, I did get some. Not enough for a pie, though, so I think I will just freeze them intil I figure out what to do with them.

Emma is coming home on sunday! Actually she is getting into town on saturday but it will be late, so I wont pick her up until sunday. I tried to find a "welcome home" sign at the party store, but they didn't have any, so I got some poster board and I'm going to make one myself. Probably Annie will help out. I am so excited to see my Emma! Heck, Im just excited for her to be back in our hemisphere! And now our summer can really begin!

I saw my D today, and made my next appointment for 2 weeks from now. It will be my last appointment. I'm not sure if I will find a new D when I move. I guess it will depend on how I am doing. Ok, so we weighed me and I am up a pound and a half since last week. I know that is not much but I am kind of worried about it. I mean, what if I just keep gaining? I talked to Mary (the D) about thhis and she said that even though I am still on the low end of normal BMI wise, it wouldn't hurt to pick a "danger weight", or a weight which i feel is to high and maybe then start a food journal and look at cutting back (if i hit the danger weight). Well, I told her that my danger weight was 5 pounds ago and she just laughed. But that's really how I feel. I couldn't imagine gaining more weight.
It's hard for me to get to a stable, appropriate intake. I have lots of experience restricting, and lots of experience eating to gain weight, but it is hard for me to gauge what I might need to just maintain. To help me out, Mary gave me some sample menus for cetain calorie ranges. I was thrilled to see that diet soda was an option for evey lunch and dinner! I think that was because the menus are mostly for diabetics, though.

I'm feeling really tempted to restrict and lose weight. I'm kind of getting through it by "putting it off". When I really start to think about restricting I tell myself I won't for one more day, and if I still want to restrict tommorrow I can. But I tell myself the same thing tomorrow, too. So that way, I never end up restricting, but still feel like it's an option, which is comforting to me somehow.

Oh, well that's about it for now.

not much going on

hmm, dont really know what to write about today. Still plugging along! I worked out today and got seriously hit on by this one guy, who asked me if I was marrried and told me to tell my husband he was "married to a fine-lookin' woman". It was a compliment, but I also felt kind of inrtuded upon since I was in the middle of working out. I mean, it's the YWCA, for pete's sake. One of the reasons I go there is to avoid friendly-type males. Oh well.
I weighed myself at the Y (even though I had decided to only weigh at my dietitians office) and the weight is about the same. I was kind of relieved to have quit gaining. So maybe this is my natural healthy weight. I guess that would be ok. I mean, it's not unbearable like the weight they put me up to last year when i was in treatment at UIHC. But it's still healthy, and I don't have to restrict and can eat meals with my family and even have treats. I had a take 5 McFlurry last night and it was delicious! I think those are my new favorite food.
Emma is getting back on sunday and I am so excited! I think the month has gone by super-fast.
I am kind of worried about my big move at the end of the month. Historically I do not do well with change. My ED usually siezes it's chance durring an upset and flourishes. I so want to stay on track! This is the best I have ever done in recovery, I think ever! I have certainly weighed more before (my bogus "target weight" at UIHC) but this is the first time I have ever gained weight on my own, willingly (except durring pregnancy), and I have never felt so positive and hopefull about recovery before. I guess part of me feels like I am doing TOO good; that it won't last. But if there is one thing I have learned it is to not worry too much about the future and take things one day at a time.
Well, that is about it for now. I didn't purge all day yesterday and today has been good so far. I feel very calm and peacefull today which is a good thing.
I hope everyone has a good day today and wish you all success as well!

the Downs

I think that Kara had it right with her comment on my blog the other day: recovery has it's ups and downs. So guess which part I am going through right now? Here's a hint: it's not the "ups". Yep.
I was ok with the weight gain, at first. But now I have gained even more weight and I am NOT HAPPY about it. I don't know what the deal is; i'm not overeating or anything. I'm just eating "normally". Why the continued gain? Will it stop? I don't think I can stand it. I'm trying to focus on the positive, but it's just so hard. I was running on the treadmill the other day and was nearly traumatized by the feeling of my but jiggling and bouncing every time my foot hit the belt. This is a new development. I tried to feel good about the fact that my stamina has increased and I was able to run 2 miles (big deal for me) but the butt-jiggliing was definitly disturbing. Fortunatly i was able to proccess with Debbie (nice health promotions lady at the Y who knows about my ED) and she reassured me that I am not even close to being overweight.
I just can't tolerate the feeling of being "bigger". It's with me all the time. My clothes fit differently and some of them don't fit at all. I look in the mirror and it's like looking at a stranger. i don't feel comfortable in my skin.
I'm scared to lose weight, though. I'm scared I will never get better. That once I start losing, I will just be back where I started. To be sure, i don't consider myself "recovered" at the moment. I still have to get the purging under control. But I think I am better off then I was a few months ago.
Why does recovety have to be so uncomfortable? How can I be healthy and still like myself? Will it ever happen, or will I be unhappy with myself for the rest of my life?
I read on someone's blog the other day that with weight gain, the only way out is through. So true! Right now I am wondering if I have the strength to make it through. I seriously think i might chicken out.

progression and regression

I had a good look in the mirror today (naked, eww) and unfortunately my body image has taken a turn for the worse. But it's not really a concern over "would I look good in a bikini?" or anything like that. It's more of an emotional thing. Ok, I'll explain....
You know the whole theory about anorexia that says that the anorexic starves herself to avoid having a "grown up body", and the goal is to regress to a childhood form? Or something like that; I'm sure I didn't state it correctly but you get the idea. Well, for me it's the opposite.
As a child, I always had a soft, curvy, kind of chubby body. Thighs that were wide at the top, a stomach that stuck out, breasts before I hit middle school. I was awkward and insecure about my body, myself, and I was dealing with some pretty bad anxiety and deppression and also crap going on at home. When i developed anorexia in my teens, and then when it got worse as a young adult, I felt I was starving all those negative feelings away, growing up, becoming more sure of myself and adult and in control. Becoming my own person. When my anorexia gets bad, although I don't look it on the outside, on the inside I feel very powerful and "grown up", and when I look in the mirror that's what I see. Those are the feelings i associate with a sickly and underweight body.
So, as i begin to put on weight, my mental self-image actually regresses. Today when i looked in the mirror and saw the round tummy, the thick waist, the thighs that touch, even though it was a more shapely, womanly body, what I saw was a child. Myself at 12. Scared alone, consumed by fears and insecurities. A helpless, hopeless child. And all those feelings that i am terrified of came flooding back.
I want to run from it. I want to starve it away. I want to restrict until I become lean and hard and strong again. Until I am sure of who I am; until the scared little girl is gone.
I'm not going to, though. I can't make any promises about tommorrow, or next week, because i'm not sure how long i can tolerate this, but just for today, I will be brave. I don't want to be sick for the rest of my life, so I have to find a way to live with this body. If I keep starving it away when the feelings get too uncomfortable, I will never get well. I have to face this.

On a side note, my last post was post #100 on my blog. I just have to say that having this blog has helped me through so many rough times (today included) and i am so greatful for my blogger friends and for the courageous and wonderful people I have met, who support me, and who share their lives with complete strangers. I actually think that I have had more breakthroughs while blogging and reading blogs then i have had in therapy in a long time. So, thank you!

positive gains

Ok, so i went to the Y today to work out and I decided to weigh myself since i hadn't in awhile. I was suprised to find that i had gained signifigant weight. Suprised, because I hadn't expected it, and usually I know before I get on the scale if i have gained cause i feel "fat". But not this time. Actually, my body image is pretty good right now. It totally doesn't mesh with the number on the scale.
What does this all mean? i have found myself in strange new territory. In order to make sense of it all, i will examine the facts.
1. I have gained weight and am several pounds above my range of what i consider "acceptable".
2. I do not feel fat. I do, in fact, feel quite fit.
3. I have been able to eat regular meals with my family for the past several weeks.
4. I have been allowing myself "treats" without purging.
5. I can work out without feeling overly fatigued and weak.
6. I am not having to use boost (unless i want it for breakfast).
7. I don't fell constantly hungry.
8. I am starting to see muscle definition in my body.
9. I have had a decrease in urges to binge.

I admit, the number on the scale is bothering me right now. but seen in light of the aforementioned facts, it seems like a small concern. This is progress. This is definately progress. Is it recovery? I'm not sure, but I do know one thing. I'm not going to sabatoge it with any knee-jerk reactions (ie restricting and weight loss). For once, i feel like i am moving in the right direction.

fact #1o: I am filled with hope.

cold feet

k, so tommorrow is my first appointment with the dietitian and i am having some serious misgivings, doubts, fears, ect. I know people can relate to this because alot of the things i have been thinking have been written in other blogs at various times over the last several months. Like the perrenial favorite "i'm too fat to see a dietitian". But here's the deal- when i got the referral for the D i was somewhat underweight and therefore thought i "deserved " the help- not that any of you who aren't underweight and see a D dont deserve it, i just hold myself to a different standard, screwed up, i know. So anyway, since then i havent been working out for various reasons, and i have been able to eat some regular meals without purging (yay), thus there has been some gain, how much i dont know, but i know i am not underweight anymore, which is a good thing, but it makes me feel crummy and worthless and undeserving of help. Phew!

On the flipside, i am still purging every day. And im not consistenly keeping meals down. So maybe there is some value to me seeing the D. And i also would like to know what my target weight is once and for all, cause i think that the target they put me up to at the univ of ia hospital ed program (aka evil hell) was way too high. And that's not just my ed talking, i'm basing that on the charts and graphs and stuff. I mean, it was in the normal range, but at the high end of normal; why would you do that to someone with an ed? Just to freak them out? So maybe the D could give me a more doable target and we could go from there.

I really should quit stressing out about all this and just keep an open mind. I'm sure there is stuff she can help me with, even if i dont need to gain weight. And i'm going to be honest and tell her every thought i just wrote about, so she can confirm or deny any truth in my thinking.

Mom is still in the hospital. I have gotten to go see her a few more times. She is doing well, but has abnormal chest tube drainage (yuck, i know) so she cant go home until that gets better.

Oh, and Emma is going to Bosnia with Zlatko for a month on june 6th. More on that heaping pile o'goodness later.

cancer

my mom is in surgery at this very moment. She is having a growth of melanoma removed form her chest cavity. most people think of melanoma as being a skin cancer, which it is, but my mom's is stage 4, which means it has gone inside the body and has infiltrated the lymph system and stuff. It still doesn't seem real to me. Like, 18 years ago she has a cancerous mole removed, and then everything was fine, until this last december, when she found a lump in her breast. At first they thought it was breast cancer, but a biopsy showed it was melanoma, and the only thing that the doctors can think is it spread from the mole that was removed 18 years ago. So anyway, they removed that lump, and she has been on interferon to help stop/slow down the growth of new cancer in her body, but since december this new one has grown in her chest despite the treatments. And it is in a bad place- near the spine and the aorta. So i hope they get it all.

She will be in the hospital 5-10 days. She is going to have two chest tubes and an epidural for the pain and a various other tubes and medical thingys. I am going to drive down to cedar rapids as much as i can over the next several days to see her. i am kind of stressed ou cause i still have my kids to take care of here- chris is working and has finals this week. And i had to reschedule my therapy and my first dietitian appt, but i am going to stilll go to my psychiatrist appt this week, cause i am running out of meds. I am doing ok, though. Still cant seem to get through a day w/o purging, but i am having some success with eating small portions of regular meals and keeping them down and not freaking out too bad. because of this my weight was up slightly when i weighed myself the other day, but i am trying to have a healthy attitude about it. i figure i might need a little extra padding right now, a little margin for error, because between my moms cancer and dealing with my evil ex and the upcoming move, i sense some stressful times up ahead. I dont want any stress- related weight loss to put me in the danger zone. Does that make any sense?

It's so beautiful now, and we are outside playing alot, and it's kind of weird, but sometimes i find myself getting angry at the sun. You know, because it gave my mom this cancer. Which i know is totally irrational. And not to mention stupid, since the sun gives every living thing on this planet life, every day. i guess i'm just feeling angry. And helpless.

re my last post

k, so there is another reason i'm stalling on seeing a dietician. Please don't moan, groan, and condemn me for my crazy thinking, but here it is: I have an intense fear that the D will think I am too fat to need help. Like, she will look at my weight and say something like "you obviously don't need my help!". Seriously, i would just die. I know this is completely irrational, and wt is not always a determining factor in treatment, but i just put sooo much importance on that number (dont we all). If i had a nickel for every time i heard myself or someone else say "i'm too fat for treatment" Id have, well, a few dozen nickels.
In my personal world, there are only too possible body types for me: Hideously, sickly underweight, or disgustingly fat. There do not seem to be any other possibilities. So, since i am not currently disgustingly thin (even though im not up to target), i must be disgustingly fat. I dont seem to be able to see myself ant other way.
I wanted to write about some other stuff but have run out of time. My sis in law, susie, is on her way to pick me up forr a fun little day trip about wich i am very excited. I will do my best to leave ED at home :)

weighing in

warning:weight talk ahead, could be triggering....

Despite some excellent advice to the contrary that i have bolth given and recieved in the past 24 hours i decided to weigh myself when i went to the Y today. I gained. NO! DOOM! YES? HAPPY? I don't know anymore.

I basically have 2 weight-related goals; which one i'm following depends on what time of the day you ask and what kind of a mood i'm in.

Goal #1: Lose Weight! Lose as much weight i can, beat my personal best(worst), get really REALLY, INFAMOUSLY thin, scare everybody, live on the EDGE, live dangerously, go all the way baby!

ok, ok, before you stop reading in disgust, have a look at goal #2: Gain Weight, Be Healthy! Eat dinner with my family and actually eat what they are eating! Be a healthy role model for my kids, exercise cause i want too, not cause i have too, find healthy ways to express myself, connect with people, give and recieve, live joyously!

Written out in black and white, it's easy to see which path i should be choosing. And i do. most days. I drink my boost and see my T and tell the truth. But some days i slip and fall. I want to take everything i've built and burn it down. Because somehow, i'ts not good enough. I'm not good enough.

I feel like i'm inhabiting this in-between world. You wouldn't see me on the street and think "gee that girl has an eating disorder". But i'm not at my target weight, either. I'm in limbo. I need to suck it up. Stop playing with fire and get on with my life. Remind myself every day that for me, weight loss=hospital=sucks=death possibly=sad family. Weight gain=health=normalcy=future with my family.

Or i could just stay where i am. But i'm thinking something needs to change, cause i'm not really happy here.
Maybe this would be a good post to share with my T.

close encounter of the scale kind

yay- day three no purge! I'm on a roll!

So, i have this NASTY sinus infection, and i finally decided to go to the doctor to get some antibiotics. So i was having major anxiety all morning, cause what happens at the doctors office? YOU GET WEIGHED! And i promised myself not to weigh until monday. Plus, i am doing so well, i do not want to be triggered by whatever my weight might be. Now, i know lots of people get on the scale backwards, but i could never do that. It's just too humiliating for me- makes me feel weird in front of other people passing by. I did consider just flat out (politely) refusing to be weighed. After all, i was just there, like, last month. How much could have changed? Why do they need to know my weight, anyways? I considered thhis and wondered if maybe they need the number so they know what dose they need to give me if they prescribe medications. Then i thought "oh please, i'm not five years old".
So, i was all set to stand my ground (and not stand on the scale) until i got there, and then my nerve began to fail. I am not a very assertive person. While i was waiting for the MA, i decided to just get on the scale and keep my eyes closed and not look at the number. So that is what i did. It was hard, because i REALLY wanted to know, but i felt such a sense of relief and freedom when it was over that it was worth it.
So then, i was sitting in the exam room, and the doctor walks in with my chart, and, after exchanging a few pleasantries, he says "so, your weight has stabalized since december! First _, then _, now it's _!".
BWAAAAAAAHHHHH! NNNOOOOOOOOOO!
I so did not want to know this information! Whyohwhy didn't i tell him the minute he walked in not to mention my weight?
And- it's worse cause its up since i was last there. Just a little, just slightly, but it's up.
Of course, i cant be sure of what i wore last time i was there....
And my appointment today was later in the day.....
......after a 32 oz mug of diet orange....
.....do you think it could have made a difference?

SEE- ITS MESSING WITH ME! This is why i only weigh myself on the same scale! In the morning. Nude. Sorry if thats too graphic for you, but there it is. That way, i know EXACTLY what has or hasnt changed.

I hope someday to have a life where something like getting on the scale at the doctors office is just a neccessary routine, not a life-changing event.