short update/ anxiety stuff

I am sorry I didn't update sooner. I am fine, boobs and all. It turned out to be nothing. I hope I didn't make anybody worry.

I have been ok I guess. My anxiety has been sky high lately which is rough. It seems like I get hyper-sensitive to every physical sensation. Sounds, visual chaos (like too many things moving in my field of vision). Wind, hugs, brushing up against an object, pretty much anything, it all feels like an assault on my body and sends me into a panic. I can only tolerate the gentlest of hugs from my girls, and even then I have to mentally prepare myself.

When I had my ED it seemed like I lived completely in my head. I was always thinking about food, weight, calories, ect. It was almost like a state of constant disasociation from my physical self. I wonder if I used my ED in part to numb out physically and avoid all that anxiety and feelings of being "assaulted" by too much physical stimulus.

I am just confused about why I am this way. If I had been sexually abused, I could point to that and say "see, this is why". Why am I sent into a panic by little noises, sounds, movements, and sensations that most people dont even notice? Will it ever go away? Is there some treatment for this?

I got a callback!

But not the good kind, like a callback on a job interview or an audition for a play or anything like that.

I have to go back for more imaging as the radiologist saw a pea-sized lump in my right breast. Ironically, I had the mammogram because of a lump in my left breast, which turned out to be nothing. But they want to ultrasound the right breast to get a better look at this other lump.

Well I was looking stuff up on the internet but for once I was reassured by what I found. I guess being called in for an ultrasound after a mammogram is common and only 10% of these cases result in the lump being cancerous. Usually it is just a cyst (grody!).

And you know I am not one to turn down medical testing, haha.

I was uspet that they couldn't get me in until next Tuesday. I dont want to wait that long; I want to know NOW! I called my Dr's nurse all upset about this but she made me feel alot better. She said that if they had a really strong suspicion that it was cancer they would have sent me to a surgeon for a biopsy right away. So I guess that's reassuring.

It's also Breast Cancer Awareness Month so I keep seeing all these public service messages and ads about breast cancer. It's getting annoying because I am trying NOT to think about it. Incedently, it is also Mental Illness Awareness Month, and guess how many public service messages I have seen on that topic? 0. Mmmmhmmmmm.......

BTW I am tired of saying (and typing) the word "breast". It grosses me out. I would rather call them "thingeys" or something like that. Any suggestions?


Edit: Ok, so Mental Health Awareness Month is actually in may. Mental Health Awareness Week is October 1-8, so my point still stands. So there!

boobs

I had my first mammogram today. I must say that they did a *smashing* good job. Ouch!

i got your crazy

"Last month I stayed up several nights watching youtube videos that convinced me that the world as we know it was about to end, so I bought 50 pounds of wheat and a shotgun."

-said by me to my psychiatrist at last week's appointment

DOH!


What about you guys? I'm sure some of you have some gems that you wished you had kept to yourself. Lets hear it.

hello all readers/followers!!!!!!!!!

Hey there! I feel like I have been really out of touch in the blog world lately. It's true I haven't been posting much this summer. I have been struggling with writer's block/depression/apathy/whatever. Plus I have been busy with moving and school and the kids and stuff.

Anyways, I have noticed that I have been getting some new followers. Also, there are people who have been following for awhile that I haven't really "met". So I was wondering, if you read my blog but haven't introduced yourself yet, would you comment and tell me a bit about yourself? If you have a blog, you could share how and why you started blogging. If you struggle with an ED or mental illness you could write about that. Or you could just keep it light and share a few random facts ie: favorite color, hobby, movie, ect.

Oh and if I know you (Erin, Keeley, Cammy, Angela, Kris, and all you guys) you of course are welcome to share. Maybe you will meet some new blogger friends!

I know I don't always respond to comments but check back after you comment because I will try to respond to each comment I get (in the form of another comment).

my dad got the call

http://chriss-wife.blogspot.com/2010/04/no-title.html


Well a year and a half later my dad is going to prison. He was "wait listed" because the prisons were full, but today he got the call. He has to report to begin serving his sentence this Sunday. He got 5 years, but can get out as early as 10 months from now if he behaves himself.

He is in Arkansas so I cant really go visit him.

I am sad. I will pray for my dad. I will worry. That's about all I can do.

The elephant in the room.....

.....is me. At least it feels that way sometimes. Sigh.

Well on a more positive note, I passed both my state exams for nurse's aide certification with flying colors!!!! Woohoooo!

Wait, does this mean I have to get a job?

DANGITT!!