Tuesday, April 13, 2010

no title

I'm not sure how to write about this. I just know that I need to, because I need to deal with it somehow, and I need support.

My dad grows marijuana. He has been doing it for most of my life, although I did not know about it until I was in high school. My parents divorced when I was young and I lived with my mom. Still, I have always loved my dad and felt loved by him. Even when he lived in Hawaii he called us often, and flew us out to see him, and came back every summer to see us. When I was 19 and struggling I went out there to live with him for a little bit.

Even though I have been closer too my mom, I have always felt like I had more in common with my dad. I personally think he has depression and anxiety, and self-medicates with pot and alcohol. Like me, he has trouble "fitting in" and doing the things most people do in society, like hold a job or have a set schedule or be responsible. Maybe that is why he grows pot I guess. So he can be his own boss and not answer to anybody. I'm not saying that it is right. I'm just saying that in some way I feel like I understand him.

Lately i have been getting closer to my dad. Even though he lives in Arkansas, we talk on the phone evry week. I know this is going to sound weird, given what my dad does for a living, but he has a real love for the Lord and sometimes I feel like he is the only person I can talk to about the spiritual journey I have been on. I usually call him on my drive home after church and we talk about the Bible and Jesus life and my girls and stuff. Sometimes it is hard to talk to him because he will go on and on and on about Jesus and religious stuff. He gets really obsessed about it and will talk for like an hour if I dont interrupt him. i don't know how much of this is him, and how much of it is a result of years of substance abuse.. But whenever I talk to him, he always ends by saying how much he loves me, how proud of me he is, and how happy I make him. The truth is, I nobody else ever says that to me.

Yesterday my sister called me and told me that my aunt had called her and told her that my dad's house was raided and he was busted. That's all I know.

I have always known this might happen. but even so, that doesn't make it any easier. I did not sleep all night, maybe just an hour or so. I can't stop thinking about it. I cant stop wondering what exactly happened. Was there a struggle, or was it peaceful? Was he scared? Has he slept? Has he eaten? Is he in a cell by himself? Is he thinking about us?

I know my dad wont get bail, because he absconded from a work release facility in 99. I am pretty sure he is going to prison.

I know some people might be reading this and thinking "well he did the crime, now he has to do the time". i don't deny this. But he is my dad and i love him. I'm worried about him going to prison. my dad is not a "tough guy". I don't know what will happen to him. I don't know when I will be able to see him again. It will not be easy to visit him if he is in prison in arkansas. When will my children see their grandpa again? Of course I will not take them to a prison to visit him.

Today is just the first day. Hopefully it will get easier. I guess today I will try to contact my aunt and find out more details. I will somehow try to take care of myself and my girls and do the normal things we do. I have stuff due at the library so maybe I will take Annie there for a bit. I have therapy today so that will help. Amazingly, I am getting through this with almost no Xanax. I did finally take half of one last night to help me sleep (it didn't work).

I have and intake appointment for the IOP program tomorrow morning. The program will be mon, wed, and friday mornings. i will have my regular therapy appointments on tues and thurs. So I have lots of support. i guess it is a good thing I was looking into IOP before all of this happened with my dad.

Thats about it for now.


Zena said...

all I can say is Im going to pray for you and your dad, its all I really know to be the truth anymore...some how some way Gods will, will be done, I cant tell you it will be okay because I dont know that it will but what I can tell you is to continue to do what you need to do for you, your kids, your husband, so that you may live the purpose that was ment for YOU!!!!

love you

Cammy said...

I'm sorry to hear that your family is going through a rough time right now, it's really hard to think about a family member being in trouble. I hope that you are able to talk to him soon so that you won't have to keep wondering about how he's doing and what happened, often our imaginations paint scenarios that are far worse than what really happens...but hang in there.

Good luck with the IOP intake and let us know how it goes! It is AWESOME that you are pursuing this. Don't doubt your strength.

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

Oh, I am so sorry! It sounds like your dad has been through a lot of pain in his life, too, and no matter what he did, remember he was there for you and supported you and that makes him a wonderful person in my eyes.

I don't judge; I've done many wrong things in my life now (and am struggling with some strong anger and lack of forgiveness toward several people.)

I'm glad you are gathering support for yourself. If you ever need to chat, e-mail or message me on FB (or you can even call - my number is listed on my profile.)

I am here for you, and remember your father loves you and that is the most important thing. My dad spent years as an alcoholic before stopping and a few weeks ago, he said to me about how smart I am and how proud he was of me being in grad school and that he just knew I could beat anorexia. That was the first time he had ever said these things to me, and it meant so much, I can't even describe. No matter what else he did in the past when I was a kid, I can hold onto those words. And you can always hold onto your father's words as one talisman against your ED.

I will be praying for you and your family.



Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

P.S. Just know right now I am struggling not to cry for you, as you have already been through so much and are so brave and such a great mom and person!

battleinmind said...

I'm so sorry this happened lovely. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
I hope IOP gtoes okay.


Maeve said...

I would never judge your father. I believe you when you say he's a good and caring man, and even if that surprised me (which, for the record, it doesn't) it is not my place to judge.

All that matters is he is your daddy and you love him.

Good luck with the intake meeting for IOP. I hope that goes well. You are an extremely strong person, but you also could do with some extra help. No one should have to go through this alone.

Alexandra Rising said...

Okay, I just wrote a super long comment to you and the website froze :[

To sum it up: I do not judge you or your father for I see the only thing that he has done wrong is he has grown a plant that is deemed illegal by the government. It is a plant. He grew a plant. He may have used a portion of the plant to relax...but as long as he wasn't driving while using this plant, he hurt no one in the process. At most, he hurt his lungs.
In a country filled with rapists, child abusers, batterers, thieves, kidnappers, drunk drivers and people who make and sell fatal/very dangerous drugs...growing and smoking pot is so...innocent. I believe alcohol is more dangerous and harmful to the body than is marijuana and both alter the brain...it just so happens one is legal and one is not.
It's all about technicalities. And for a man to go to prison because he grew a plant, well, I just cant pass negative judgment on that. It's 'fair' only because of the legal system. It doesnt make him a bad person.

I hope that your father's strong belief in and love for God will get him through this. He sounds like he truly loves, cares for, and is interested in the lives of you and his granddaughters. [I too am closer with my mom but more like my father as you said you were, so I can relate to that sentiment].

I am sorry your dad may be absent from your life and that he may go to jail. Yes, you can say he 'brought this upon himself', but find relief in knowing he inflicted no physical harm in the process. No one died because your dad grew a plant. No one was abused.

Anyway: I do not judge people for how they live their lives so long as it does not harm others or themselves [at most, marjuana is hurting his lungs. Compared to alcohol, cocaine, heroin, meth, etc...the physical harm to his body is minimal].

Sorry if I sound radical in my beliefs, but at least you know one person definitely isnt judging :] [And I hope you do not judge me for my beliefs, in return].

bananas said...

I totally agree with what Alex just said. I'm so sorry for your dad.

This country is effed up. My uncle was murdered (had his head kicked til he was completely brain dead) and the a-hole that did it served 7 years. To think that someone that grew pot could spend time with people that do real crimes makes me ill.

Keely said...

I don't judge your dad either. You know about my step dad and my real dad smoked put and drank and is now sober (and marijuana and cigarette free). I don't judge them. It is a coping mechanism. I am so sorry. I would be scared too. Just know I'm here if you need to talk. (hug)