I'm not sure how to write about this. I just know that I need to, because I need to deal with it somehow, and I need support.
My dad grows marijuana. He has been doing it for most of my life, although I did not know about it until I was in high school. My parents divorced when I was young and I lived with my mom. Still, I have always loved my dad and felt loved by him. Even when he lived in Hawaii he called us often, and flew us out to see him, and came back every summer to see us. When I was 19 and struggling I went out there to live with him for a little bit.
Even though I have been closer too my mom, I have always felt like I had more in common with my dad. I personally think he has depression and anxiety, and self-medicates with pot and alcohol. Like me, he has trouble "fitting in" and doing the things most people do in society, like hold a job or have a set schedule or be responsible. Maybe that is why he grows pot I guess. So he can be his own boss and not answer to anybody. I'm not saying that it is right. I'm just saying that in some way I feel like I understand him.
Lately i have been getting closer to my dad. Even though he lives in Arkansas, we talk on the phone evry week. I know this is going to sound weird, given what my dad does for a living, but he has a real love for the Lord and sometimes I feel like he is the only person I can talk to about the spiritual journey I have been on. I usually call him on my drive home after church and we talk about the Bible and Jesus life and my girls and stuff. Sometimes it is hard to talk to him because he will go on and on and on about Jesus and religious stuff. He gets really obsessed about it and will talk for like an hour if I dont interrupt him. i don't know how much of this is him, and how much of it is a result of years of substance abuse.. But whenever I talk to him, he always ends by saying how much he loves me, how proud of me he is, and how happy I make him. The truth is, I nobody else ever says that to me.
Yesterday my sister called me and told me that my aunt had called her and told her that my dad's house was raided and he was busted. That's all I know.
I have always known this might happen. but even so, that doesn't make it any easier. I did not sleep all night, maybe just an hour or so. I can't stop thinking about it. I cant stop wondering what exactly happened. Was there a struggle, or was it peaceful? Was he scared? Has he slept? Has he eaten? Is he in a cell by himself? Is he thinking about us?
I know my dad wont get bail, because he absconded from a work release facility in 99. I am pretty sure he is going to prison.
I know some people might be reading this and thinking "well he did the crime, now he has to do the time". i don't deny this. But he is my dad and i love him. I'm worried about him going to prison. my dad is not a "tough guy". I don't know what will happen to him. I don't know when I will be able to see him again. It will not be easy to visit him if he is in prison in arkansas. When will my children see their grandpa again? Of course I will not take them to a prison to visit him.
Today is just the first day. Hopefully it will get easier. I guess today I will try to contact my aunt and find out more details. I will somehow try to take care of myself and my girls and do the normal things we do. I have stuff due at the library so maybe I will take Annie there for a bit. I have therapy today so that will help. Amazingly, I am getting through this with almost no Xanax. I did finally take half of one last night to help me sleep (it didn't work).
I have and intake appointment for the IOP program tomorrow morning. The program will be mon, wed, and friday mornings. i will have my regular therapy appointments on tues and thurs. So I have lots of support. i guess it is a good thing I was looking into IOP before all of this happened with my dad.
Thats about it for now.
Judgement and Regrets
6 days ago