not much has been going on and I have been kind of blah and not feeling like posting. Well, I have been doing better ED wise. Like, i didn't purge all day yesterday EVEN with making chocolate chip cookies with the girls and sampling lots of dough! And I have been eating regular meals and everything, and not really weighing myself. Much.
I think I know what threw me off. I rented the documentary "Thin" from the library and I should not have done that. I think it is a really great documentary about eating disorders, and I could really realate to it. I LOOOVE watching stuff I can relate to. It helps me feel connected to something, like i'm not so alone. But now I see that it really triggered me. Just putting the thoughts back in my head about wanting to be sick and helpless so people will take care of me. EWWW, I am so ashamed of having those thoughts and feelings. But I have to acknoeledge them because they are there. It's weird. I complain about not feeling "powerful" in my life or feeling like a competent adult, yet I keep making choices that cause me to stay weak and pathetic.
Wow, and I thought I had nothing to write about today.
Well, I have been working to further my identity as a responsible, functional adult. I signed up to volunteer at Emma's class Haloween party. i also volunteered to be "room parent" for her class. I was pretty anxious about this. I kept thinking "what if I get depressed and cant follow through." But I don't want to live my life like that anymore. I don't want to not accept responsibilities and opportunities just because I might not be able to handle them. I'm just going to go for it and trust myself that I can do it.
In other news, I am quite sick and on some serious cold meds and feeling like crap in general. i'm just hoping none of my kids get sick, but Annie keeps taking sips of my pop when I'm not looking. Ugh.
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago