Thursday, July 29, 2010

summer evening

We have these bugs in the midwest called cicadas (maybe some people call them locusts). In the late afternoon/early evening this time of year they start buzzing in the trees. Loudly. It's a noise that gets loud then quiet then loud then quit, kind of like a police siren. I hate this noise. It is something I associate with hot summer nights, the sun going down, and tensions rising.
Growing up, evening was a dangerous time in my house. My dad drank most of the day, and by evening he would usually be really drunk, and my mom would be really mad. Either that, or he would be out with his friends, having been due back hours ago, and my mom would be pacing around the house, getting madder and madder, waiting for him to come home. Either way, a fight was brewing. As a kid, I might not know exactly what the fight was about, but I could feel it coming, like a summer storm.
My parents had horrible fights. They screamed and yelled at eachother, the most awful, hurtful things. Listening from my bedroom upstairs I couldnt always here exactly what they were saying, but I could hear the yelling, and it scared the crap out of me. It sounded like they were going to kill eachother. They didn't hit eachother, but I'm pretty sure they threw things around, because there would be crashes that shook our whole house and left me terrified, straining to hear voices again so I would at least know everyone was still alive. It was even so bad one time that the neighbors came over to make sure everyone was ok. My parents were embarassed and stopped fighting, for that evening. I wished the neighbors would come by every night.
One night durring a really bad fight, there was a loud crash that made my brother and sister and I jump out of bed a run to the top of the stairs. All three of us burst out crying when we saw my dad pinning my mom down on the floor next to a large chair that had been overturned. Mom and Dad immediately got up and came and put us back to bed, telling us how sorry they were and assuring us that everything would be alright. Every night after that, when they put us in bed, we would say "Good night, don't fight!". It was like a magic charm that we desperately needed to work. It did, for a little while.
As a child, I lived with a particular burden. It was the feeling that I was "responsible". Not that I was the reason for the fighting. More like, I had to watch out, because for some reason I felt I had to monitor the fights to make sure no one got hurt. When I was supposed to be in bed I would creep to the top of the stairs to listen. As awful as it was to hear the yelling and harsh words I had to listen, had to sit up there and hear the entire fight, when I should have been in bed with my covers pulled up over my head to block it out. Because if I wasn't listening, if I wasn't there to make sure they didn't go to far, then anything might happen. So I sat up there, night after night, insides twisting to knots, waiting for it to end. Sometimes the fight would end with the door slamming hard and my dad leaving, then silence, and I would wonder, did he kill her? So I would have to go check, I would creep downstairs to find my mother, crying in the dark.

I'm not writing about this to say "look, see what a crappy childhood I had". Cause I know alot of people had it alot worse. That's not my point at all. Mostly, its just been on my mind alot. I think its why I get more anxious in the evening. I feel lost and scared, like something bad is going to happen. Have you ever felt nostalgic, but not in a good way? That's the way I feel when I hear the cicadas.

I'm glad Chris and I don't yell at eachother. We don't even really fight. We argue sometimes, but we don't raise our voices or call eachother names. We just...disagree.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

well hello there

Hmm I haven't blogged in like a week, which is kind of a long time for me. I guess there hasn't been alot going on. Well, actually there has been alot going on, but I just don't know what to say about it or express it.

It seem like when I was struggling more with eating disorder symptoms, it was easier to blog about it. Like, asking for help/suggestions to stop purging, or bemoaning recent weight gain or loss. I feel like all my struggles now are internal and it's harder to get them out on paper (or computer screen).

Mostly, I am worrying alot. I worry about my health. Some days I am sure I have bladder cancer, or an autoimmune disease, or my heart is failing. I am nervous to have my regular appointment with Dr. Sean this friday because he will see in my chart that I have recently been to one of his partners in the clinic, also the urgent care, and the ER. All with a diagnosis of: nothing. And I will feel stupid.

I know there is something wrong with me, though. I know it! I'm tired all the time. I wake up every night drenched in sweat. I have a constant earache/sore throat. I have periods of time nearly every day where my heart beats irregularly for like 15-20 mins.

But it's hard to sort out the physical symptoms from the psychological ones. Am I dizzy because I'm having a panic attack or a heart attack? Is my heart really skipping beats, or is my mind playing tricks on me?

I have restricted myself for the time being from looking up medical stuff on the web, which has helped a bit.

Crap, I'm tired now. I meant to blog a bit about some other stuff but maybe I'll do that later.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Funnel cake is the DEVIL

I am so sick. Soooooooo sick.

Never, not ever, will I eat funnel cake again. EVER.

I was wrong, Bananas. So wrong. Funnel cake will not make you happy. Funnel cake will steal all your happiness and leave you curled up in agony, begging for death (or at least some Gas-X).

Funnel cake is baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Friday, July 16, 2010

me and my awesomeness....

Let's examine the evidence, shall we?

1. Yesterday I lost my balance and tripped, nearly falling flat on my face. I stuck my hands out in front of me just in time to stop my face from hitting the floor, and jammed my right arm pretty bad. It hurt for the rest of the day. What awesome feat on balance and coordination was I attempting when this occured, you ask? I was putting on my underwear. Oh yeah.

2. I got these "Smooth Away" pads that are supposed to buff away unwanted hair. So I was going to town on my upper lip, and I must say I got it pretty smooth and hairless, but within ten minutes it was bright red and burning. I woke up the next morning with a nasty scap across my upper lip that lasted a few days. I was at the doctor yesterday and she asked me "so what are you doing for that cold sore?" and I had to explain to her that it was a self-inflicted wound, the result of grooming gone awry. Good times.

3. I decided to be a little bit naughty and leave Chris a seductive "heavy breathing" message on his phone yesterday while he was at school. He called me about an hour later, sounding worried, and asked me if I had heard from his parents, because he got a strange message from them. For some reason his phone told him the message was from them. Totally not my fault. But I had to explain that it was just me trying to be sexy, and by then the effect was lost. Oh well, I tried.


Sunday, July 11, 2010


Anyone out there ever take Buspar? I started taking it (again) two months ago and I think it is making me gain weight. The thing is, it's not supposed to cause weight gain or have side effects of any sort, really.
I want to stop taking it, to see if that is what is causing the weight gain. It isn't really helping my anxiety anyways. But I don't want to my doctor to think I am non-compliant.

Crap, I don't know what to do. Only just a month ago I was feeling like I was too thin. Now I feel like Jabba the Hut. Can't i ever be "just right"?

Tell me what you think about the buspar...

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

"does this hemoglobin make my butt look big?"

I discovered that my ED is not really dead. The thoughts are still there, lurking.

Yesterday I had my hemoglobin checked, because I have been feeling weak and anemic. I usually am slightly anemic, but I wanted to find out if it had gotten worse. So I was suprised when the nurse told me it was a 12, which is within normal range. Following the suprise, I immediately felt...disappointed? Embarassed?


Yes, ridiculous as it sounds, having a normal hemoglobin level made me feel fat. You know how anorexics commonly confuse "healthy" with "fat"? For example:

Well-meaning person: "Gee, Lisa, you are looking so healthy!"
Me: "your MOM's healthy."

Ok no I wouldn't really say that. But you get what I mean. To someone with an ED, "healthy" isn't always a compliment.

I have the same thing with my blood pressure. I have hereditary low blood pressure, and combine that with the ED my blood pressure was like crazy low. In a sick way I guess I felt a little proud of it and whenever I was in the hospital I wouls always listen as everyone was getting their bp's taken to make sure mine was the lowest, or at least in the bottom three. I know, right? Whatever gets you through the day, I guess. Inevitably as I would start to restore weight and get hydrated my bp would rise and I would fall into a bit of a funk as I realized that I wasn't "sick" anymore. Without an acute illness to define myself by, I didn't feel special or important.

I still feel that way a little bit sometimes. But I have to tell myself that what makes me special and important is not the ability to starve myself, or throw up my food. I am special because I am human, an individual, someone with many talents and abilities. I have the ability to grow, change, love, and be loved. I am important to many people, but especially my girls, to then I am the whole world.

Why did I , at such a young age, buy into the belief that my worth could be measured by weights or numbers or lab reults? Why did I cling to it for so long?

So yes, I still do have the thoughts. They pop in and out. But I don't act on them anymore. Mostly I just ignore them. Sometimes I ponder them.

And sometimes, they make me laugh.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

update I guess

First of all, I have to say that blogger is being a turd. I have new blogs that I want to add to my blogroll, and I cant seem to figure out how to do that. I was looking for "customize" but it seems to have disappeared, or been replaced by something new that I haven't figured out yet. So if you have any tips, let me know.

Ok, now to whine on about my health. The costochondritis is still hurting like mad. I was taking naproxin around the clock, but it has stopped helping , so today I am experimenting on going without. I worry about the prescription NSAIDS combined with the Pristiq (they both can cause internal bleeds). My pharmacist said its ok for the short term, but I still worry.
I also have been having bouts of weakness/extreme fatigue, shaking, sweats, and nausea. Also I have been having night sweats, which is kind of gross. I have know idea what is going on here, but it is really freaking me out. I didn't go to church today because I was afraid I would be too weak to drive back. I am wondering if maybe I am more anemic than usual? We grilled hamburgers for dinner last night, and I am cooking a roast for tonight. Thank goodness things are going well with eating- who knows how I would handle all this if I was restricting or purging!

I just want to feel good, dammit! All the years of not taking care of myself and feeling weak and I'm eating and still feel like crap! Grrr.

It has been raining here all day and I am secretly relieved that fireworks may be cancelled, because I don't like to be out late. I am such an old lady! I got Annie all dressed up in her raincoat and boots and we went out for a walk in the rain a little bit ago. She was very cute! Emma is at her dad's but she will be home tonight. I really want to feel better because I want to take the girls camping again! We had so much fun! I am sick of hearing myself say "not right now, mommy doesn't feel well...".

My therapist is still out....and I didn't get that appointment I mentioned after I still don't see her until the 12th. Fortunately my depression has been ok. My biggest mental health concern right now is the anxiety over what is going on with me physically.

I had a dream last night that I was in ED treatment. I have those once in awhile. I think it was brought on by me worrying about people I know who are struggling. Whether it is someone I know from "real life" or online, I care deeply about everyone I have met who struggles with eating disorders because I feel like we share a common bond. I wish so much that there was something I could say to someone that could help them, or give them hope. I try to think of what helped me, but I can't pinpoint it to any one thing. I still don't know why some people get well and some people don't. There were certainly many years when I thought I never would. I still don't consider myself completely recovered, alot of the thought are still there, but symptoms-wise I seem to have kicked it. But even doing as well as I am, I still believe I could relapse. I still feel it in me.

I don't know, I guess I am rambling now. I just hope everyone has a nice 4th and keep on fighting, whatever your battle is, because you are worth it!