Sunday, February 28, 2010

Masquerade Ball!

Here is Chris! Isn't he handsome!
Chris and I (or is it Chris and Me? My grammar sux).
Hello it's us again.
Getting ready to go out.


Fabulous duck drawing.

Well that's about it folks. To be honest, the dance was kind of borring, but I think that is because there was nobody we knew there. Plus, Chris WILL NOT dance in public. And I will not dance by myself unless I am on Xanax. So the dance floor was not graced by our presence. But getting all dressed up and going out was fun.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

forgot to title this one....

Today I woke up feeling the best I have felt all week. So as usual, I went full-tilt into all the housework and things I was behind on. Vaccuming, laundry, swept the floor, ect. Needless to say I was hit with that weak, shaky feeling so now I am on the couch with my laptop.

I was reflecting earlier on how strange it is to me that I'm feeling this way. I mean, I haven't felt this weak and sick since the days when I was severely underweight and restricting. It just doesn't seem right. I am at a really healthy weight. I am eating 3 meals plus snacks. I have cut waaay down on the purging (haven't purged since sun, so its been about a week yay). Don't take ant laxatives (like i need them right now) or diet pills or anything like that. Basically I am doing everything I am supposed to be doing and still feel like sh*t.

And another thing I have been thinking about lately is just how hard it is to take care of myself when I am sick AND having ED thoughts. For example last tuesday, the day I was really sick and posted about feeling so alone (and got wonderful support from you all). I was able to eat some breakfast and lunch but was too sick to eat dinner so I just drank Powerade and laid in bed. But around 7pm I started feeling better and all of a sudden was really hungry and felt like I could eat. So a "normal" person would go find something to eat but I was stopped by ED thoughts telling me "no, dont eat now, you'll ruin everything! You didn't eat dinner; this is a perfect chance for you to lose weight! If you eat now you will be wussing out and letting this chance pass" and blah blah blah other assorted nonsense. Fortunately I was able to combat the irrational thoughts and realize that I needed and deserved to eat to keep up my strength and I had some food. But I still went to bed with thoughts of "weak" and "failure" in my head.
So that was just an example. I have been dealing with different variations of this since I have been sick with the nausea and this week with the diarrea. Fortunately I have been able to combat the thoughts and eat and take care of myself but the mental effort has been nearly exhausting. It's one thing to be sick, but to have to fight tooth and nail against yourself to justify taking care of yourself, ugh. I just hate how ED makkes everything harder. But, I am glad I have been doing well with that, because just imagine how sick I would be If I were restricting on top of all of this. So Lisa, big pats on the back for you! (and none for stupid ED)

I am going to rest ALL DAY because the ball is tonight!!!!!YAY!!!! I will take pics and put them up here.

Also wanted to give a shout out and a "thinking of you" to blogger LOULOU from BOOST FORWARD who was had a rough 24 hours. You hear about that sort of thing happening to people but I have never known anyone who has been betrayed and scammed in such an outrageous fashion. My heart goes out to you Lou and I hope you can still find treatment somewhere soon!

Friday, February 26, 2010

are you kidding me???? more medical drama!!!!!

Well today has certainly sucked.

As I have written before, I have not been in the best of health lately. First there was the nause. Then purging blood. And then......the big D. Diarrea, ewww. So I went to the doctor on Mon and he put me on Flagyl, this super heavy duty antibiotic they give to people who have parasites and ameobas and crap like that that you pick up in like a third world country. Since then, not only has the diarrea not gotten better, but I have been dizzy and had shortness of breath and weak overall. And yes, I have been eating. I think I have been so careful to eat to keep up my strenght that I think I may have gained weight since being sick. So anyways, last night was really bad, just feeling weak, dizzy, not good at all.

I woke up this morning feeling even worse. I was in the shower and had to hold the wall to keep from falling over, I was so dizzy! I was scared to be home alone with Annie in case I passed out or something, so I called a friend to come over and just sit with me. Also, I put in a call to my dr's office but the nurse was busy so I waited for her to call me back.

By the time my friend got to my house my condition was so bad I could barely stand and we decided I should not wait for the nurse to call but just go to the ER. And believe me, I DID NOT want to. But it was scary. I was getting weaker and dizzier by the minute, and in the process of getting ready to go I became faint and sunk down on a chair and could not get up. I felt like my body was shutting down; I just felt like I was dying. My friend Sue said that all the color had drained from my face and she was really scared and didnt know what to do, so she called an ambulance.


Actually at the time I didn't really care. I was pretty out of it. But the ambulance ride was hell. The roads are so bumpy from the snow, and then we went over some railroad tracks, and every time the gurney bounced around I was overcome with dizzyiness and nausea which sucked.

SO we go to the hospital and I had an iv and my labs showed I was pretty low on magnesium and so I got two bags of that in my iv. The doctor wanted to give me something for the nausea but I declined since I have not had a good experience with the nausea meds lately. I had to do a urine sample but I couldn't get up to go out to the bathroom so I had to use a commode which also sucked.

But here is the thing. My EKG was normal, my labs were normal (except for the mag), my vitals were normal. So the doctor was like "you are just dizzy from having diarrea so long" and once I started feeling better from the fluids I started feeling like a FOOL for being in the ER (especially by ambulance). I was so embarrassed I just wanted to put my clothes on and slink out of there. But on the other hand, I felt that the doctor was pretty dismissive. The dizzyness had been so bad that even moving my eyes to look at something would cause my head to spin. I have had diarrea before, but that has never happened to me! But whatever, I'm not a doctor.

so after I got home sue called me and told me that she had been looking up Flagyl on the internet and it can cause dizziness. Hmm now I dont know what to think. Now I am scared to take the Flagyl. I don' think I will finish it. I know that is bad, but the ER doc even told me that if the Flagyl hasn't helped by now i probably have a virus and not a bacterial infection.

Oh, and here is something else that sucks. i guess just after I left in the ambulance, Dr Seans nurse called back and Sue answered. Sue told me (rather proudly) what all she said to the nurse and she basically told her off, really bad. I wish she would not have done that!!!!! Dr Sean's nurse is nice, and all this stuff that is going on is not her fault!!! When Sue told me all the stuff she said to the nurse I just cringed. Of course I will have to apologise next time I talk to her. i think Sue was just frustrated with the situation but geeze, some of the stuff she said!

Well that is about it. I was debating about whether or not to post this because I was thinking "oh I really look like a drama queen". But oh well, this is just the way it is. I sure didn't ask to be sick. I need to feel better! It has been days since i have vaccuumed, and Mt Washmore is taking over my bedroom. So everyone please send non dizzy health vibes my way cause man I do not want a repeat of today's events!

hmm, akward...

Does anyone know how to regulate who is following your blog (other than going private)? As you may have noticed, someone is following my blog who has put up a picture of her ribs under the "followers" section. There is no link to her blog, and I cant find a way to contact her. I don't object to her reading my blog, maybe reading recovery blogs will inspire her to get help. But I DO object to the picture on my blog! It doesn't trigger me too much, but I worry about it triggering others who read this blog. Also, most of her links are pro-ana blogs, and that really bothers me. I know it is all too easy to be sucked into these. I have this problem from time to time. I don't want anyone to find their way to pro-ana sites via my blog, in any way!

Hopefully if she is reading this, she will take the picture off. And I hope that she knows that I just care, don't judge, and hope she gets help.

I know Angela from "Leaving ED" is having a similar situation. I guess she kind of inspired me to deal with this, as it has bothered me for a few weeks.

Ok, so one other thing is worrying me now. Has this blog been mistaken for a pro-ana blog? I am def pro-recovery, with other mental health and family stuff thrown in. I hope it comes across. Please tell me what your impression of my blog is, and please let me know if my blog feeds your ED. I guess at the end of the day it is MY blog and I write in it what I want, but if it is triggering to others I should think about making it private I guess.

Peace and love :)

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Thank you so much

for all your comments!!!!! I was in a really low spot last night and it really lifted my spirits this morning to see that so many people cared!

Karo- I actually have "Drop Dead Gorgeous", it is one of my favorites. Maybe i will watch it today. When I am at home sick I also like to watch "Pride and Prejudice". I have the BBC and the LDS version (but not the version with Kiera Knightly and that guy whose nose looks like a penis, eww).

I Hate to Weight- hilarious story! That has to be one of the most embarassing things that has ever happened to you (at least I hope it is)! I also have a really embarassing butt-related doctor story but I dont really want to share it with everyone, unless you all want to hear it. But if you email me I will tell it to you. It is absolutely horrible!!!!!

I Love Bows- I did actually force Baby bunny to cuddle with me last night, against his will. I was really lonely I went to get Baby out of his cage. Usually when I go to get Baby out he gets all excited and hops back and forth and makes this excited humming noise but last night he just backed up into the corner of his cage and when I tried to grab him he tried to get away. I was really hurt and wondered if he sensed that I wasn't well and didnt want to be around me. Then I just thought "dammit I own you! You will do what I say!" and forced him to come out and cuddle with me. That might sound mean, but he lived through it :).

Well, last night after the girls went to bed Chris and I cuddled in bed and watched "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion", which I hadn't seen in a long time and was somewhat amusing. Isn't Chris the greatest? Unfortunately I kept him up all night because I kept getting in and out of bed to go to tha bathroom. The little that I did sleep, I had horrible nightmares. Really bad, scary ones. And for some reason in the nightmares, someone was always in the background eating ham!??????

Well, I better go take my pills. I don't even know what the point of that is; they are passing right through. Except the antibiotic. It dissolves right away, which I found out the hard way. Usually when I take my meds, i put them in my mouth and then wander around looking for something tho swallow them with, like Diet Coke. Well, I tried to do this with the antibiotic and it disolved on my tongue in like 2 seconds and IT TASTED HORRIBLE!!! Possibly it was the worst thing I have ever tasted. So I will not be making that mistake again. Anyways, I don't think the antibiotic is helping so far. I have been taking it since mon with no improvement.

Guys, I HAVE to be better by Sat night because this Cinderella needs to go to the ball! I have a beautiful mask and two gorgeous gowns (still deciding which one to wear) and the tickets and babysitter and just everything!!!!! I think even if I am sick I will still go. There is bound to be a bathroom there, and I'm sure it will be a fancy one ;)

Love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


I am sitting in bed with my laptop and a bottle of Powerade. Just feeling crappy, physically and emotionally. Chris and the girls are at a church thing and I am all alone.

I feel so alone.

I think I am depressed because my Pristiq has not been getting absorbed. Ever since I have been sick it has been passing right through me. Not just the shell or capsule. The whole pill. Don't ask me how I know this. Just trust me, I know.
Ugh I feel like even that was TMI. *shiver*

So besides being sick I am going through med withdrawl which is not fun. I just feel sad and disconnected from everything. I am lonely right now so i am reading everyones blogs so that kind of helps. But I wish I could have a REAL conversation with one of you RIGHT NOW. I want someone to sit down next to me, someone who really understands, and take my hand, and tell me that it's ok. I'm just really hurting right now.

If you read my blog but don't usually comment (or if you do), now would be a great time leave a few words. It would really mean alot to me.

Monday, February 22, 2010

the diagnonsense

well, it turns out i will live after all. I saw Dr. Sean and he drew labs and checked my blood counts and they were all normal (well one was low but it was low a few months ago, and it is not critical or anything). He thinks the vomiting blood and the blood in the stool is not related. As for the vomiting blood, the Dr. thinks I have a Mallory-Weiss tear but he did not say anything about an endoscopy or anything like that. He didn't think it was serious as long as there was not alot of blood coming out. I don't know. It seems to me 5 years ago when I lived in Salt Lake I threw up a little blood and got an endoscopy right away. But whatever.

With the whole poo thing, Dr.Sean thinks I have a bacterial infection. This seems likely to me, since Chris has been sick with the same symptoms (except no blood). So he gave me some antibiotics for that.

Sorry for all the gross details. I wasn't really "with it" when I commented on my last post. I'm feeling alot better now though.

ok, I called

I called Dr. Sean's nurse but she was busy so I am waiting for her to call me back. I feel really dumb though. I'm sure they will just tell me to come in thurs, then after they hang up just roll their eyes and think "silly girl, just wants attention".

Actually, the first time I threw up blood, a few weeks ago, I was really freaked out and i called the nurse right away but she didn't seem very concerned about it and just told me to tell the doctor about it at my next scheduled appointment. So I felt pretty stupid.

What Cammy said was right. It is REALLY humbling to ask for help because of something you essentially did to yourself. It sucks.

I will post a comment after I hear back from the nurse :)

Sunday, February 21, 2010

not a good sign

ok, so the last few times I have purged I have thrown up blood. Not alot of blood, just kind of streaks of it. I did a search on the internet and read that it is not a medical emergency as long as there are not "copious amounts of blood". I see Dr. Sean on thurs so I will tell him about it then.

Guys, I am really worried about this. Every time I throw up I wonder, will this be it? It sucks. I have cut waaay down on the purging but still do it a few times a week. Maybe I am a big wuss, but this is really scaring me.

I guess after doing this for 14 years it is starting to catch up with me.

Friday, February 19, 2010

re live feed and coffee

Thanks for the feedback on the live feed. Several of you brought up a good point that I didn't think of: the live feed reveals what city you are from. I can see how that might feel like an invasion of privacy for some people. I think it would be better if it just said what user name was visiting the blog.
I think overall that the feed was just too much information for me. On one hand it is fun to see that people visit my blog. But seeing exactly who, when, and for how long was just causing me to obsess.

Now on to something totally different.

I thought i would describe to you all how I get my morning coffee fix. First, a little background. I started drinking coffee as a young adult and have always loved the stuff. But when i was 21 I joined the LDS church and gave up coffee. It was hard, but I believed in what I was doing and was comitted to living by the rules. Well, last year I decided to leave the LDS church (I am still Christian, just going to a different church) and one of the first things i did was start to drink coffee again. At first it was a secret Starbucks run here and there. I never drank coffee around my husband because I was worried about what he would think. When I finally got up the nerve to tell him he was a little disappointed, but not angry or anything. May I just say my husband is a wonderful man and has been extremely loving towards me as I have been on this spiritual journey. Anyways, back to the coffee story.
I started drinking instant coffee at home but couldn't stand it. I desperately want a coffee maker but while Chis is tolerant of me drinking coffee in the house, I don't think he is ready for something permanent and obtrusive as a coffee maker on the kitchen counter. Through all of this, I am trying to be as sensitive to his feelings as he has been to mine.

So this is what i do:
In the morning when I get up I put a pot of water on the stove and heat it up. When it is hot but not boiling I measure coffee grounds and pour them directly into the water. Then I turn the heat down and let the coffee soak in the water for about 5 minutes. Then I strain the coffee into a cup and voila! There are usually still grounds in the cup, but they settle at the bottom and I just dont drink the last bit. I usually make enough coffee for a few cups and heat it up throughout the day.

Yes, this whole proccess is kind of a pain in the butt. But as i sip my coffee in the morning, I feel it is worth it. Maybe someday I will have a coffee maker. Actually I am pretty sure I will at some point. But for now i am greatful just to be able to enjoy a cup of coffee in my own home because even a few months ago this was not a possibility. I definately don't take it for granted.

I will say one thing, though. For my birthday I asked for a travel coffee mug, and my husband actually got it for me! I was quite suprised I will tell you! Love does conquer all!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

live feed dillema

I added a live traffic feed to my blog today. I'm not really sure i like it. I'm thinking about taking it off. It is just making me paranoid. I see that different people are "arriving" and "departing" and it's kind of fun to see that people are looking at my blog, but I know they are not all commenting and I wonder "do they think my blog is lame?".

I guess I figured that there are more people who look at my blog then just the ones that comment, and that is ok with me. Maybe seeing exactly when and how often and for how long is just too much information.

Do you have live traffic feed on your blog? What are your thoughts about it? Do you like it? And if you blog stalk (which is fine, I totally blog stalk), does it bother you that your coming and going is noted on the feed?

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


Like: Took Baby to the vet today and found out he has gained .3 lbs. That might not seem like alot, it would be the rough equivalent of me putting on 17 lbs in two weeks. So really, he is doing great!

Dislike: Tried to clip his teeth on my own (with the vet's help) and it was an epic fail. Looks like i will have to pay her to do it afterall.

Like: James Blunt! Love him!!!

Dislike: Our computer's disc drive is broken so I cant burn all the lovely James Blunt cd's I got from the library. Boo!

Like: This morning I put away laundry, vacumed, did the dishes, and swept the floor.

Dislike: This morning i had to put away laundry, vacum, do the dishes, and sweep the floor.

Like: I got some valentines chocolate (hersheys miniatures) at 75% off!

Dislike: I will probably end up eating said candy all by myself :(

And I will leave you with something cute:
Annie and I were coming back from running errands and she ran ahead to the door of our apartment. When i got to the door to unlock it, Annie was crouched down on the ground with her arms wrapped around her knees and her head tucked under. I looked down at her and she said "look Mom, i'm a package!". Priceless.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Fat Tuesday!

For all you Catholic Mardi Gras-going folks, today is Fat Tuesday! I'm not sure what it signifies, but I am pretty sure it is not related to actual physical girth or body image. Still, when I was inpatient at the Center for Change on Fat Tuesday in '05 and I kept going around and wishing everyone a "happy Fat Tuesday! It's Fat Tuesday everybody!", I got reprimanded by Staff. Either they were not Catholic, or they had no sense of humor.

Some people.

Monday, February 15, 2010


Seriously. I wish I could have part of my brain removed or something.

Most of the time I think I am doing better than I have in years, but when I stop to think about it I really am not. I think I just think I am based on my weight. But I am purging several times a day most days, and if you took a random sampling of my thoughts i bet that at least 70% of them would be something about food, weight, or my body. Seriously, what was the point of gaining weight if I am just going to be miserable and obsessed with losing it? This is not how I thought it would go. I thought I would put on some weight, which would allow me to eat normally, which would allow me to not obsess, and not have to purge. But it turns out I can still be f'd up in my head at any weight. And now I am more miserable because I am freaking out about my body all the time. I feel like I am trapped in a prison of fat and I can't freaking stand it. And yet for all the obsessing and restricting and purging I don't lose weight. It's like I have the metabolism of a walrus or something.

Ok, now, I don't want anyone reading this who is vulnerable and on the fence to think "wow, recovery looks awful!". Alot of what is going on is my own fault. I admit I am not trusting my body and letting it have what it needs. I am tampering with the proccess, holding on to parts of my ED, trying to do things MY WAY. All stuff you are not supposed to do. I can't help it.

Yes I can.

But i just get scared. I don't like to deal with anything that is uncomfortable. I want recovery, but I dont want to feel anything.
I don't know what it will take for me to change. I used to say things like "I would never have an eating disorder if I has kids" or "Once I am married i wont need my eating disorder". But here i am. The problem is, these are all external changes. I think the changes need to be internal. But what exactly has to change, or how to change it?

I am stumped.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

news from my world

My sweet little Goobie is sick. She has this really bad chest cough that is painful to hear. I took her to urgent care yesterday but the doctor there just said it is viral so there is not much they could do.
I have been giving her lots of fluids, oranges, and chicken noodle soup, and of course TLC. Have you ever had "Simply Orange" orange juice? It is the best! We dont usually buy it because it is kind of expensive, but we always get it when one of us is sick. When we lived in Salt Lake and someone was sick we would always go to Jamba Juice and get them a "Cold Buster". I miss Jamba Juice!

So, I was really bored yesterday and decided to go to the Salvation Army thrift store to kill some time. Before I left I promised my husband I wouldn't come back with any useless crap we didn't need.
I returned with a plastic gumdrop tree. Never been used.
But come on, wouldn't this thing look awesome at a child's birthday party? I had never seen one of these before, and at $2 I couldn't resist!

But the thing I am most excited about is........
...our masks for the upcoming masquerade ball have come in the mail!!!! I don't know if I mentioned this before, but a few months ago I noticed in the community bulletin that the art museum was having a masquerade ball! And, it is only $15 a couple! Got to love college towns....
I bought a GORGEOUS dress last week at a consignment shop. When I put it on I feel like a million bucks, which is a rare and awesome feeling for me. I don't think that Chris is as excited about this as I am, but he is being a really good sport. We have never been on a "fancy" date. The only time we have been this formal together was our wedding. I am just hoping and praying that neither of us gets sick, or that nothing else happens that would stop us from going. It just seems like usually when I really have my heart set on something, it doesn't work out. But I don't think that anything could get in the way of me going to this thing (unless maybe I lost my arms in a freak laundry accident. But then I would probably still go)!

Love you all. Happy Valentines Day!!!!!

Friday, February 12, 2010

here's to better days!

thank you so much for all the wonderful, non judgemental support! Seriously, it meant so much to me. I decided, in part because of all the feedback I got on here, to send my friend a message and let her know how I was feeling. It wasn't an angry message. It was kind of similar to what I posted here, without so much of my personal history. And the great news is- we are still friends! She wrote me back right away and told me that she was very sorry, and that she knows she has strong opinions and sometimes she voices them without thinking and it can hurt people. I just feel so much better now. I was so nervous to tell her how I felt. I have only made 2 good friends since we moved here, and I didnt want to lose one of them. I really like her and her honesty is one thing I value about her. But I knew I had to tell her how I felt, or it would be under the surface and probably effect our relationship. i am so proud of myself for being brave. I was just sobbing to my husband last night, so afraid of losing my friend. He gently told me that I need to have more faith in people. maybe he is right.

My other good news- today was Emma's class Valentines party, and it was a smashing success. It was my responsibility to plan and run it. I was having a really hard time with this one. The haloween and christmas parties were easier for some reason. With this one, I procrastinated till the last minute to get things together. I just have been kind of depressed and didn't want to deal with it. So anyways, i went to the school today feeling a bit apprehensive. I just wasn't in the mood to party.
When I got there, though, things went fine. We stood in a circle and played "hot potato" with this little stuffed valentine frog that played "i like to move it move it" when you squeezed its hand. The kid holding the frog when the song stopped was out. So that was convenient since I didnt have to bring a boom box for the game or anything like that. As the kids started to get "out", they worked on valentines day cards for their moms and dads with lace doilies and chocolate hearts I brought. Then we had snacks. There was candy and cookies and chips and rice crispie treats and drinks (i didn't bring all this stuff- i delegated). And the kids exchanged valentines.

The kids kind of know me from the other parties. They are so nice! One little boy even made me a valentine! It was so sweet!

Well that is about it. I hope everyone has a nice valentines day!!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

in response

thank you so much for all of your supportive comments. And Bannanas, I would love to have a to shirt like that! Anyways, after a great session with my therapist, I have decided to write a post in response to some of the things my friend said to me the other night. I might also point out that we are still good friends, I value her honesty, and also, she does not read this blog. If she did read this blog, this is what i would tell her.

so here it goes....

I am recieving social security/disability because of my eating disorder, anxiety, and depression. This does not mean I am lazy, ignorant, or do not want to work. I am not, as was suggested to me by my friend, manipulating the system. I am on disability because I am sick and unable to hold a full time job. Period.

I have been on disability since may of 2000. From 1996 to 2000 i had 16 different jobs. Durring periods of stability I was able to get a job, go to work, and be a good employee. Even at times when I was homeless and living in a shelter I went to work every day. But it never seemed to last. My mental health would deteriorate, or my physical health would go downhill due to my eating disorder, an I would be hospitalised, often involuntarily. And I would lose my job. When you cant go to work they tend to fire you. There were also times when I was not hospitalised, but my mental health would be so bad that i simply could not function in a job. I could barely function at home. I would begin to miss days at work and lose my job.

There would be times I would be better and then I would get a job and things would be looking up for awhile. Then something would happen (or sometimes nothing would happen) and I would go downhill and find myself hospitalised again. Eventually, they stopped letting me out. From the hospital I would be discharged to a group home. And that is how I ended up on disability. The social worker had me apply for it so the group home could get Medicare funding. I never seeked out disability. This is just how it happened.

Eventually I ended up on my own in a supervised adult living apartment. Then I became a mom, was discharged from the program, met my husband and got married. But things have not been easy. Becoming a parent, or getting married, did not magically banish my demons. Since my 8 year old was born i have been hospitalised or in treatment 9 times. Durring one of my last hospitalisations, my doctor tried to send me to a group home, despite the fact that I have a husband and children waiting for me. I lost my commitment hearing and only narrowly avoided being institutionalised with the help of a wonderful mental health advocate and some serious wrangling. I am so greatful for this because I have no idea what that would have done to my marriage and family if I were sent away.

Last fall I was going through a serious depression but was adamant about staying out of the hospital. There were times I maybe should have gone in, but I hate what it does to my family when I am inpatient. Fortunately I made it through.

My disability is up for review this spring. I am vey nervous about this. I am maintaining my mental health (just barely, on 5 meds and 2 therapy sessions a week). I have not been hospitalised in a year. Does this mean I am ready to go back to work?

Our society does not make it easy for the mentaly ill to work a normal job. I think this is partly due to the economy, and partly due to a lack of compassion and understanding. There is no tolerance for someone who is having a "bad day" and cannot make it in. Not when there are 10 other people who are waiting to do your job, who would be there every day.

You said that I believe I cannot work because i have been labeled "disabled". I disagree. I recieved disability after years of struggling with chronic mental illness and instability.

And another thing. I do not "stay sick" so I can recieve disability. I am sick just because I am. I did not ask to be sick, and in fact I fight it every day with every resource that I have.

I would like to believe that I will go on getting better and better, but realisticaly I dont. I believe that I will have periods of health and periods of illness. I am not being pessimistic, or subscribing to a self-fulfilling prophecy. I feel I am being realistic based on 18 years of experience with my mental illness. My task is to take the best care of myself that I can, to be gentle with myself, and to use the skills that I have learned to be as healthy as I can be. Right now, for me, staying well is a full-time job.

so please,

Do not tell me that I am manipulating the system. Do not tell me that a job would be "good for me". Do not tell me that I am staying sick because there is a payoff. Do not assume that because you have struggled with depression in the past, but got over it without medication using positive thinking, that the same is possible for me. Do not tell me that soc security is the same as welfare. Please understand that if it were my choice, i would be mentally healthy and a productive member of society. No contest.
Realize that you have only know me for 5 months. That you only see me on my good days. That you don't know the half of what I struggle with. You may have ideas about people on disability, but please, do not judge me until you have walked in my shoes. And I hope you never have to.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

therapy needed

so i had to cancel my thurs appointment last week so I could go to the dentist.
I had appointments mon and yesterday but they were both cancelled because it snowed a ton and my therapist couldn't make it to work. So I was going to have to wait until next week but I don't think i can. I called today and they squeezed me in for tomorrow.

I am really really struggling with some things right now. i got some feedback from a good friend that was really hard to hear and I just cried and cried on my husband's shoulder last night. Today is a little better but I still can't stop thinking about it. I may write about it later but i am just worried that you all might agree with her and I don't think I could deal with that.


Monday, February 8, 2010


arrgh i am in such a bad place right now!!!!

Seriously, today really started out awesome. It snowed a ton in the night so I just spent the morning in the house cleaning. Cleaned and vaccuumed my bedroom, kitchen, living room. Did dishes, bleached my whites and did laundry. I listened to Cat Stevens while I was cleaning and felt super great, like I was on top of the world. Think I had a major caffiene high going on.
Then i went out and helped my friend pick up her son at preschool cause her car is in the shop. Driving was kind of scary, but it felt great to be the one helping out for a change. But by the time I got home I was kind of deflating and feeling worn out so I decided to just get on the computer for awhile. i did some fb stuff and blog reading........

.......and somehow ended up on youtube watching ED "recovery" videos. You know, the ones where they play some sappy song and talk about how horrible ED's are and show pictures of themselves at their lowest weight.

*ok seriously if you are going to make a recovery video PLEASE PLEASE do not fill it full of super triggering pictures of really skinny people*

And yes, I am aware that I am an adult (chronologically) and no one was putting a gun to my head and making me look at that crap. But it is just SO DARN SEDUCTIVE.

So now my ED is all riled up and my head is full of lovely distorted thoughts such as:

No wonder Dr. Sean isn't concerned about finding the cause of my nausea. He is probably thinking it wouldn't kill me to miss a meal.
Maybe if I looked like the girls in those videos someone would give a crap.
It is silly to force myself to eat through the nausea because by maintaining my weight I am just ensuring that no one will take this seriously.


I should take full advantage of the nausea and lose as much weight as I can.

Stupid Ed.

Guess i am going to take my reglan, cook some dinner for my family, sit down with them, and eat.

Love you all.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

up at 4 am

arrgh! I woke up at 4 this morning feeling sick to my stomach. I don't know what the deal is!

So, we got a car yesterday. It is a chrysler pacifica. I guess it is a crossover, like kind of between a station wagon and an suv. It is definitaly the nicest car I have ever had. It was 7300 so we had to get a car loan, but we had 3000 to put down so the loan is not that big. Still, it is the first time I have had a car loan so I was a bit freaked out about it.

The proccess of buying the car was relatively hassle-free. So why was I so stressed out yesterday? I eventually had to take a seroquel and go to bed early. I couldn't even drive the car that I was so excited to get! It seems like whenever there is any major change, even if it is a GOOD change, I get super stressed out and shut down. It's like I cant handle anything anymore.

Baby is doing great! He has already started to gain a little weight and I haven't seen him chew on his hair since his teeth were clipped. It's funny, I didn't realize how much i loved that little furball until this crisis happened :).

Well, that's about it. On the ED front, there has been a little purging but not too much. Weight is stable somehow in spite of all the nausea and I have mixed feelings about that. I did go to the gym yesterday for the first time in like 2 weeks and got SO nauseated on the treadmill. It felt like motion sickness or something. But still, i am paying for that stupid membership so I am going to try to go more often. I am going to really try to cut back on the diet pop and coffee and just drink water and tea so maybe that will help.

I guess since I am up I will shower and go to early church. Hope you all have a great day!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

good news about Baby!

I took Baby to the vet today and am very relieved. When the vet looked inside Baby's mouth she didnt seem particularly horrified. I had thought that the gums looked infected, but it turns out they are not. I guess rabbit gums just look weird naturally. Anyways, she said that Baby has a genetic defect that causes his teeth to not come together when he bites down. Normally, a rabbit's teeth match up and come together when he bites and this way they wear themselves down as the rabbit chews. In Baby's case, he has kind of an underbite, so the teeth do not wear down and just keep growing. She trimmed his teeth (which didn't hurt) and said that his teeth will need to be trimmed about once a month. This will only be $10 so that was a relief. Now that he can chew again, Baby should start to put weight back on. The vet wasn't sure if the hair chewing had to do with the tooth problem, but she thought it might. but just in case he had mites, she gave him a shot and he has to go back in 2 weeks for another shot.
I feel better now. Today has just been a stinker! We got our taxes done and found out that we are not going to get very much back. This sucks because our van crapped out on mon and we had to sell it to the junkyard. So now we need a new vehicle and a large refund would have been nice. Then I had to go to the dentist for what is turning into my weekly visit. Then while I was at the vet Emma's school called because she was sick, so I had to go pick her up. But at least I got good news about Baby. I didn't realize how much he meant to me until today.

Anyways, thanks for your comments and support :)


I feel sick to my stomach right now. I am very upset.

As i have posted before, my sweet Baby bunny has been pulling his hair out and chewing on it. I have been trying everything; giving him more hay, letting him out of his cage more so he doesn't get bored, taking the hair out of his mouth when I catch him chewing, giving him fresh veggies. I have also noticed lately that he's lost weight.
I have been trying to resolve the problem myself because I can't really afford to take him to the vet. Our van crapped out this week and we have to buy a new one so money is kind of tight right now.

Well, this morning Baby was chewing on hair and I picked him up and started to get the hair out of his mouth. Then I saw something that looked a little funny so I opened his mouth up and looked inside. His top teeth are extremely overgrown. They curl a bit like overgrown fingernails and dig into his lower gums, which appear to be infected and abscessed.

Needles to say, I was horrified by what I saw. It looks extremely painful. I feel terrible that Baby has been living like this and I had no idea.

I made a vet appointment for him today. I am worried that whatever he needs will be more than I can afford and I will be forced to put him to sleep. I am scared that the vet will accuse me of animal abuse for letting it get this bad. But I had no idea! Was I supposed to be looking in his mouth periodically? I don't know. I am so worried about him and feel awful.

I don't know what is going to happen. I don't know if everything will be ok, or if i will have to end up putting Baby to sleep today. I feel sick.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The last time I saw my scale

pumpkin bread

This morning i found myself in the kitchen, hunched over a loaf of pumpkin bread with a knife in my hand. I would place the knife on the bread, ready to cut a slice, then move it forward a few millimeters, adjusting the width of the slice. And then back. And then forward. And then back.

Ed and were having an argument over the width of the slice.

Next time I am making muffins.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Dr's office meltdown

I cried in front of Dr. Sean today.


He had just listened to me tell him my symptoms- severe nerve and muscle pain, and nausea. Might I add that today was especially rough, as I woke up this morning at 4:30 am with pain, and had to sip Powerade all morning to make it through without puking. So I finally decided to go see the good Doc, and was now sitting there after recounting my tale of woe, and hoping for a diagnosis, or at least a test of some sort. Something to explain why my body has suddenly turned evil on me. He looks very concerned, and says:

"Well, there are a few things i can give you for that."

And my lower lip starts to quiver. Here come the waterworks.

See, I don't want more meds! I want the problem to be fixed, gone, CURED! I don't want any freaking Motrin! I don't want Reglan for the nausea! I want to treat whatever is causing the nausea and the pain.

That didn't seem to be on the menu for today.

In the end i took the Reglan prescription, and a shot of torridol so I could function today.
As Dr. Sean left the room I sniffed and said "I want to go back to when I was just mentally ill."