hell hath frozen over

I am going to see a dietitian to day.

Ok I am not anti-dietitian. Lots of people with ED's will benefit from seeing a dietitian at various points in their recovery. But as someone who had been in treatment like a bazillion times, I have kind of a "been there, done that" attitiude about the whole meal plan-serving size-food pyramid thing. I know that fat is a a vital nutrient and your liver can only store 2 hours worth of glycogen and your brain needs carbs to function. I know this stuff (geez I sound cocky).

But I am actually not going to see the D for my eating disorder (or non-eating disorder, since technically I dont even have one anymore! Yay!). I am going to see if she can help with my anxiety and depression. I have been reading ALOT lately about the relationship between mental health and nutrition. Like for instance, did you know that you need amino acids, especially tryptophan, in order for your body to make seratonin? So in theory, even if you were on an SSRI antidepressant, you might still not have enough seratonin if you are not getting all your amino acids. SSRI's dont make seratonin, they just keep more of it floating around in your noggin.
And I have been reading all about different fats, too. I already knew that omega 3's are good for you, but there are also long chain and medium chain and all sorts of fats that do different things for you that I dont quite understand. And I was also reading about how important the balance of magnesium and calcium is in controlling anxiety.

I guess I'm feeling like I am gathering all this information but I dont quite know how to make sense of it, or how to pull it all together. Like, what does all of this mean for Lisa? I don't want a meal plan per se, because I like having flexability, but maybe some sort of loosely structured guidelines would be helpful.

I am seeing a dietitian in my therapist's office. She works with the eating disorder patients, but also with parents of kids with adhd and other mental health problems to help them get the right nutrition to help manage their symptoms, and she knows alot about the relationship between nutrition and mental health. She is only part time in the office, her FT job is professor of nutrition or dietetics or something at Ia State.
Oh, and my insurance wont pay for me to see her so I have to pay out of pocket. Boo. BUt I am to the point where I feel ok about spending the money if I think she could help me. I have been very frustrated with my psych med situation. Pristiq has been a fail, and that is the newest one that I know of. I am SO over the atypical antipsychotics, cant take the benzos because I cant stick to proper doses, have tried every ssri and snri on the market (and even a few that have been pulled from the market), older antidepressants, lithium, shock treatment, ect.
Don't get me wrong, I am going to stay on my current meds, but I think that casting my net a bit wider in my search for symptom relief might be in order.

I'm trying not to get too hopeful. My plan is to go in with no expectations and an open mind.

But seriously, if she whips out the plastic food I am outta there.

attention-seeking behavior

I have a confession to make. The last few days, I have been thinking about quitting eating altogether. Just stopping. Just throwing my hands up in the air and saying "Eff it, I'm done!".

Not because I think I'm fat (which I do ). But just so people will see. They will see that i am in the midst of a five alarm mental emergency. That I am anxious and depressed and everything is excrutiating and I'm not effing fine! I'm tired of looking so great. I hate it when I see people and they tell me how great I look! I dont feel great! I'm dying inside, and looking great isn't really paying off for me.

I just want my outsides to match my insides. I want people to see how much I am hurting. As I said to my therapist, there is no medical test or measurement of emotional pain. They cant draw my blood and look at it and say "gee, this kid is really losing it. Maybe we should try to get her in a little sooner." But if I quit eating....if I quit eating....that's a measurable and visible decline in health. Then suddenly, you are an urgent case. People move schedules around, they fit you in somehow.

My husband Chris is really the only one who knows how bad i am doing right now. Ironically, he is the one who I want NOT to know! It worries him so bad, and he has enough stress already. I hate to add to his burden.

This evening I made dinner for my family, then told Chris I wasn't up to eating and went in my room and laid down. As I lay there, I could hear Chris and the girls eating and the guilt began to gnaw at me and I asked myself "is this really what i want? Do I want my girls to have memories of dinnertimes where Mom wasn't there? Do I want Chris to sit at the table as the sole parent, his stomach churning with anxiety as he worries about his wife?". I told myself that this was not acceptable behavior, that I just needed to get my ass in gear and go into the kitchen and join them. So I went in and sat down and ate a little dinner. And purged afterwards.

I don't know how I got to the place where i am right now. I so desperately want to be the HEALTHY wife and mother that my family deserves! I can't "quit" eating. It would only make things worse. What do I do?

It occurs to me that I am not a bad person. I am just a person who is struggling with severe and persistent mental illness, who has been through some pretty drastic med shifts lately, who is currently between doctors right now, and who is not handling it very well. I am suffering. this is not my fault. I do, however, have a choice in how I will deal with things. Today I did not make good choices in regards to self care. I did, however, make other notable good choices. I emailed my daughter's teacher and volunteered to drive for a field trip. I took Annie to the park. I did 2 loads of laundry. I gave Emma an extra long backscratch because she is not feeling well.

See, I am hanging in there. By a thread.

blah

I can't tell if I am so tired because I am depressed, or depressed because I am so tired.

How is it that I am on twice-daily methylphenidate (stimulant), yet my @ss is still magnetically attracted to the couch.

Also, my body image is in the toilet. Today is one of those days when it seems that all my problems would be solved if I lost 20 pounds.

Sigh.

On a more positive note, I built an awesome snow fort with my kids the other day. We have a mold for making snow bricks, so the fort looked all proffessional and stuff. I was going to take a picture, but then one of the walls collapsed (it was kind of a warm day). And, my date with Emma was lots of fun! It was really nice to spend some quality time with her. We went bowling and played arcade games and bounced in the bounce house.

I'm trying to look at the positive things. I'm trying to find sources of self-esteem that are not based on looks/weight. I guess feeling good about myself as a parent is part of that. When I am feeling bad about myself and all the ways I fall short, my knee jerk reaction is to fall back on restricting to cope. But I know better now. That isn't going to help anything. Still, the thought of losing weight is just so seductive.

I don't even know what I am talking about right now. My brain is tired and I'm rambling. I must pull myself together because in a few minutes Annie and I are going to go visit some friends. Then i am just going to take it easy I think. Tomorrow I have a plan to go with the girls to Cedar Rapids and see my mom and sister. There is a nature center there that is having a maple syrup festival and we might go to that (if I get on the road by 8 in the morning!). But while I am looking forward to seeing my family, I am kind of dreading such a big day, because Chris isn't coming as he has homework to do. I like it better when he comes because he helps with the girls, plus if I get really tired he could drive home. But tomorrow I have to do it all myself. I think it will be ok, if I get to bed early tonight.

Blah blah blah I'm probably borring the crap out of anyone reading this. BTW i haven't been commenting so much on blogs lately because my brain has just felt like mush and I feel I have nothing useful to say. But I am thinking of everyone and reading and keeping up. Hopefully my higher functions will come back online soon :)

thoughts on being a better mom

Lately I have been feeling like kind of a crummy parent. I mean, I make sure my kids are clothed and fed and sheltered and stuff like that, but I don't feel like I have had much to give them emotionally the last few weeks. It just seems like I am so tired all the time, and feeling run down and worn out, that I am just counting the hours until bedtime, and the children are being entertained more and more by the TV or video games. And I feel really bad about this. I never wanted to be the kind of mom who just sat around and let her kids watch tv all day.

I think it is worse with Emma. Annie and I are together all day, and usually erlier in the day I have more energy and we do something fun, like go to Playpals or have a playdate with friends or something. But by the time Emma gets home from school I am so wiped out that I am semi-shut down and just feeling like I need a break. So she kind of gets the short end of the stick as far as quality time with me goes.

I was talking about this with my therapist Kim yesterday and it helped me feel a little better. I was able to see that if I truly were a "bad" mom, I wouldn't even recognise what is going on or be concerned about it. I would think "well my kids have food, clothes, and a place to live, so they are ok". But I know where I am lacking and am making plans to do better.

It is hard when I have a limited amount of physical and emotional energy, and there are priorities, things that NEED to get done, like housework, dinner, ect. But I can make small goals. For example, the sun is shining, and I have a goal to play outside with Annie in the snow today after lunch. We dont even have to go out for a long time, but at least like a half hour or something. And tomorrow i am taking Emma out for a "date" to Perfect Games video arcade/bowling place.

Part of this is staying on top of my ED, too. When I am not eating or taking care of myself, everything gets harder. I have no energy, I am cranky and irritable. Also, I hate the way the Ed pulls me into my own head. I am not able to really be tuned in to my childrn because my mind is filled with thoughts of food and weight and stuff like that. It is like being in the same room with my kids, but being totally seperate. But really, all the ED stuff is just so meaningless! I mean, how will I feel if I look back at the end of my life, and realize that I wasn't there for my kids because I was preoccupied with controlling my weight?!

I really just want want our family to have a quality life, instead of just passing time. Does that make sense? There have been several reminders in my life lately that you never know what the future holds. I cannot protect my kids from things like natural disasters and serious illnesses. So what can I do? I can help make positive memories and happy times with the time that we do have on this earth. There are no guaranties that we will all be here tomorrow. All we have is today. I know i can do better to make every "today" the best it can be.

P.S. can you tell I watched the movie "2012" last night?

forgot to title this one....

Today I woke up feeling the best I have felt all week. So as usual, I went full-tilt into all the housework and things I was behind on. Vaccuming, laundry, swept the floor, ect. Needless to say I was hit with that weak, shaky feeling so now I am on the couch with my laptop.

I was reflecting earlier on how strange it is to me that I'm feeling this way. I mean, I haven't felt this weak and sick since the days when I was severely underweight and restricting. It just doesn't seem right. I am at a really healthy weight. I am eating 3 meals plus snacks. I have cut waaay down on the purging (haven't purged since sun, so its been about a week yay). Don't take ant laxatives (like i need them right now) or diet pills or anything like that. Basically I am doing everything I am supposed to be doing and still feel like sh*t.

And another thing I have been thinking about lately is just how hard it is to take care of myself when I am sick AND having ED thoughts. For example last tuesday, the day I was really sick and posted about feeling so alone (and got wonderful support from you all). I was able to eat some breakfast and lunch but was too sick to eat dinner so I just drank Powerade and laid in bed. But around 7pm I started feeling better and all of a sudden was really hungry and felt like I could eat. So a "normal" person would go find something to eat but I was stopped by ED thoughts telling me "no, dont eat now, you'll ruin everything! You didn't eat dinner; this is a perfect chance for you to lose weight! If you eat now you will be wussing out and letting this chance pass" and blah blah blah other assorted nonsense. Fortunately I was able to combat the irrational thoughts and realize that I needed and deserved to eat to keep up my strength and I had some food. But I still went to bed with thoughts of "weak" and "failure" in my head.
So that was just an example. I have been dealing with different variations of this since I have been sick with the nausea and this week with the diarrea. Fortunately I have been able to combat the thoughts and eat and take care of myself but the mental effort has been nearly exhausting. It's one thing to be sick, but to have to fight tooth and nail against yourself to justify taking care of yourself, ugh. I just hate how ED makkes everything harder. But, I am glad I have been doing well with that, because just imagine how sick I would be If I were restricting on top of all of this. So Lisa, big pats on the back for you! (and none for stupid ED)

I am going to rest ALL DAY because the ball is tonight!!!!!YAY!!!! I will take pics and put them up here.

Also wanted to give a shout out and a "thinking of you" to blogger LOULOU from BOOST FORWARD who was had a rough 24 hours. You hear about that sort of thing happening to people but I have never known anyone who has been betrayed and scammed in such an outrageous fashion. My heart goes out to you Lou and I hope you can still find treatment somewhere soon!

My lovely doctor visit

Well, today has not been my favorite day.

It is sooo cold and rainy and I have had to run a million errands and have been freezing all day!
I have had a MONSTER headache for much of the day, and the Healthy Choice frozen dinner that I had for lunch is threatening to come back up.

The doctors appointment was, well, sucktastic. I am actually wishing I had lost the weight, even though I know that would be a bad thing. But as Dr Sean was listening to my list of GI complaints I had the feeling that he really wasn't taking them too seriously. Here it is: I have a general feeling of nausea pretty much all the time which gets really bad after I eat. Food just hangs out in my stomach forever and I get really urpy and bloaty (yum I know). I cant take a dump to save my life except when I take the Miralax, but then things swing to the opposite end of the spectrum and I am in the bathroom all day. Also, When I take Miralax my pristiq (antideppressant) passes through undigested. For reals! It's pretty dramatic.

Well, the good doctor said that my motility is impaired from my eating disorder and it would probably take several months with no purging and regular eating for it to get back to normal. The bowel situation is due to past laxative abuse and will probably be a problem that I will have
for a long time. I may have to be on the Miralax long-term.

So the doctors orders today are: Increase the Buspar (for anxiety)
Decrease the Trazodone (because the Seroquel and the
Risperdal knock me out just fine, thank you)
Get back on the Miralax, half doses
Prilosec OTC
Prilosec OTC. As in OVER THE COUNTER! Bwahahah! I wanted medical tests! I wanted REAL meds! I feel like crap all the time and I want to feel better and I'm skeptical that anything from the antacid counter at Hy-Vee is going to help me!!!

Yes, I do find it incredibly ironic that I'm always complaining about how many meds I'm on, and now I'm complaining that the doctor isn't putting me on more meds. REAL ones, anyway.

I guess there is no pleasing me.

So I bought myself some Tums and Gas-x when I got the Prilosec. Just as a consolation.

So- here is a puzzle for you:

I cant take the tums or gasx until a few hours after I have taken the prilosec. I have to take the Pristiq in the morning. I have to take the buspar three times a day, but not with my evening meds. I have to take the miralax BY ITSELF!
Soooo....

I think I will take the pristiq and prilosec and a dose of Buspar first thing in the morning. That way by noon, when the tummy trouble usually starts, I can have the tums and gasx.
More buspar at noon.
Miralax around 3 pm.
buspar at 6.
Seroquel, Trazodone, and risperidone half hour before bedtime.

Looks like I have a new hobby.

this is me, being brave

Ok, so i was lying in bed last night thinking (I know, happens alot) and i just started to think about my life and what I really want out of life and what my goals are. So first goal: I want to be alive (duh!). Second goal: I want to be happy.

I used to think that being thin would make me happy. That the pursuit of thinness would add meaning to my life. I am just now facing the reality that I have spent the last 12 years of my life "thin" or in the pursuit of thinness and there has been little joy in it. What there has been is alot of pain, shame, missed opportunities, regrets, letting my loved ones down, ect. I have kept banging my head against the same old wall expecting different results and it has brought me nothing. i live in a constant sruggle of body, mind and spirit that exhausts me, and I find no fullfillment in it.

Could it be I am ready to really, finally give it up?

In order to give up this eating disorder, this WAY OF LIFE, I will have to be brave. I will have to be honest. If I hurt, I may have to cry. If I am lonely, I may have to search out a friend. If I am scared, or unsure, or having doubts, I will find a solution, a way to feel safe that does not include self-destructing until someone comes to rescue me. In other words, I will have to stand on my own two feet. I will have to take responsibilty for what I have made of my life, and do my best to make it better.

In many ways, it feels like I am just starting my life, or at least my adulthood. I've had the role of "sick" for so long that many things have been done for me and I have been able to avoid or get out of alot of responsibilities which should have been mine. What will it mean to me to be healthy? Will I lose my social security payments? That is something I have been terrified of. Can you believe I've been on disability since 2000? But I can't let it be a roadblock to being well anymore.

Of course, i am not expecting to make all these changes overnight. After all, this is a 16 year illness we are talking about. I can't just change into a well- adjusted, fully funcioning adult with a snap of the fingers. This is comforting, though. I know there will be people that are here to support me. I will still have a doctor and a therapist. The difference is, if I'm struggling emotionally, I'm not going to relapse and get sick enough until they know there is something wrong. I am going to USE MY VOICE and tell them what is bothering me, instead of playing some passive-agressive game. This might be hard for me, but hopefully in time it will be easier.

I do not live in a fantasy land where i think all my problems will go away just because I have decided they should. I still have a chemical imbalance which causes me to become deppressed and anxious. But starving, bingeing, and purging has made it much worse than it probably would be. My little dream is that if I eat healthfully, stop throwing up, and enjoy moderate excercise, i will be able to help myself feel better emotionally. Maybe then I could get off a few of the meds. And the ones that I would take would be more effective (especially if I wasn't throwing them up all the time).

This is my goal: to be healthy. ALIVE! THRIVING! I want my kids to be proud of me! Heck, I want to be proud of me!
To be honest, I'm so scared right now. What if I fail? It's easier not to try; to stay sick. Then I would never know if I could "hack it" or not.
But I have to try. For myself, for my family, my girlies, the dream of maybe a baby in the future. Oops did I say that out loud?
Here I go, into the unknown....

things are looking up

I'm back to feeling better about recovery (and its about time! Holy moley!). I didn't purge all day yesterday! I thought that after having a burger and fries for lunch that I would just not eat the rest of the day to make up for it, but when dinnertime rolled around I was hungry, so I ate a reasonable amount and didn't restrict. Today when i woke up I knew I didn't want to go back on shakes and that I could "do" regular food. I think as long as I can handle regular food I should keep at it.

We had my neighbors over this morning for home made donuts and fruit. Alas, the donut maker that I just bought didn't work with the batter recipie on the side of it's box! It was supposed to drop little rings into the fryer but the batter was so thick it wouldn't come out! I was bent, but just ended up making donut holes and they tasted great.

I think i might just marry my fryer. Seriously. It's just about the funnest, most awesomest thing about my recovery right now! I can't believe that i'm someone who eats fried food and is so comfortable with it in fact that she fries it herself! How cool is that?

My body image is better today, too. Maybe I was retaining water or something. i'm just glad because for a little bit there i was starting to plan to restrict and lose weight. I'm glad i didn't go through with that. I would have just ended up further behind in my recovery. I wonder if my increased meds are starting to work. Because I really do feel different. Like, an increased sense of well-being or something corny like that :).

positive gains

Ok, so i went to the Y today to work out and I decided to weigh myself since i hadn't in awhile. I was suprised to find that i had gained signifigant weight. Suprised, because I hadn't expected it, and usually I know before I get on the scale if i have gained cause i feel "fat". But not this time. Actually, my body image is pretty good right now. It totally doesn't mesh with the number on the scale.
What does this all mean? i have found myself in strange new territory. In order to make sense of it all, i will examine the facts.
1. I have gained weight and am several pounds above my range of what i consider "acceptable".
2. I do not feel fat. I do, in fact, feel quite fit.
3. I have been able to eat regular meals with my family for the past several weeks.
4. I have been allowing myself "treats" without purging.
5. I can work out without feeling overly fatigued and weak.
6. I am not having to use boost (unless i want it for breakfast).
7. I don't fell constantly hungry.
8. I am starting to see muscle definition in my body.
9. I have had a decrease in urges to binge.

I admit, the number on the scale is bothering me right now. but seen in light of the aforementioned facts, it seems like a small concern. This is progress. This is definately progress. Is it recovery? I'm not sure, but I do know one thing. I'm not going to sabatoge it with any knee-jerk reactions (ie restricting and weight loss). For once, i feel like i am moving in the right direction.

fact #1o: I am filled with hope.

sunday afternoon

well, not much going on. Still here, trying to keep it all together. I wish i had + progress to report on the eating disorder front but so far no good. Was it Marilla from "Anne of Green Gables" who always said "Tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes in it", or something like that? I like that. I mean to post more often on this blog. It's just the darned Seroquel- it scrubs my brainpan clean and all i want to do as soon as the girls go to bed is sleep. Yeah, it's really been putting a dent in my love life (ok, so maybe that is too much information. But there it is.). On the other hand, the anxiety has been more manageable and that is crucial right now. I honestly think that were it not for the seroquel i would be in the hospital right now. So i am willing to make the temporary sacrifices for a little piece of mind. Piece of my mind. Ha ha!
Lately i have been semi- obsessed with the song "Disturbia" by Rriahna (sp?). I feel like the lyrics pretty much describe what it is like to be me right now. Ok, maybe that is a little bit dramatic, but there it is. And who hasn't, at some point or another, heard a song that just clicks and makes them say "hey, that is so me!"? I wish i knew how to copy/paste or whatever and could put the lyrics up here. The song is kind of about living with a madness inside that distorts everything and isolates you and is debillitating. At least thats how i took it. Thats how i feel about my deppression/anxiety/eating disorder. Its like i live in a cold and scary parallel universe and im looking out through a distorted lense of irrational fears and bad memories. I try to function in the so-called real world but in order to do so i keep up a constant dialogue with myself, kind of like a coach. It sounds like this " now go to your husband. now hug him. now smile. put the pot on the stove. turn on the stove. good job. you can do it. theres emma. give her a hug and smile.". Well, thats only on bad days. On good days i can function without the "coach". Only there havent been very many good days lately. It might sound like i dont love my husband and kids, like i am "fake" with them. Thats not it at all. If it werent for the love that i have for my honey and little ones i would just give up. Its just that the deppression makes it difficult some times to be expressive or just plain interact above the level of a slug.
Whoops! I didnt mean to ramble on. Since ive scared off any new readers, and bored the rest of you into a coma, i had better go. I have some serious sitting around to do. But if you comment and you have heard that song, please tell me what you think of it. I do admit, it has kind of an annoying rhthym that gets stuck in your head. Bombombedum boombombedomdom.....

update

sorry its been awhile since ive posted. I have been in this really bad deppression and havent felt like doing much. I got some lorazepam and am feeling a little more relaxed and functionable today. i saw my psychDoc last night and he made me really nervous cause he kept talking about wanting to hospitalise me. I definately do not want to be in the hospital, im a big advocate for being treated in the least restrictive setting possible. plus, last time i was hospitalised for deppression, the hospital doc had me committed and i almost ended up in a crappy group home! I have a husband and 2 kids! I dont need that! Then, my last hospital based ED treatment program that i was in last spring sucked royally- it was a really bad experience. So lets just say that when my doc started talking about hospitalizing me, i started mentally plotting my escape from the room ( bolt for the door suddenly, keeping the coffee table between me and the doc). Fortunately it didnt come to that. Hes putting me on Pristiq, this brand new anti deppressent, and also gave me some lorazepam. we talked about shock treatments again, but hhe is hesitant to do them if i am purging everyday. The ect's themselves are not that dangerous, but you have to go under anesthesia wich carries some risks of its own which can be compoounded by the physical complications of an eating disorder. I talked to my therapist today and while i am not willing to gain (restore) any weight at this point we came up with some strategies that would help me maintain my weight and eat small amounts throughout the day without purging. I really need to quit purging cause it is effecting how my meds get absorbed(if they even do). So i will be working on it and hopefully the next post will include some good news. Take care!

Spilled MyGuts

Ok, so on Thursday i DID end up calling my therapist to see if he could sqeeeze me in, and he did. I agonized all day about whether or not i should tell him about the weight loss and restricting and was quite nervous but in the end i guess i didnt have to worry about this because apparrently it was obvious. What i mean is, the first thing Cory said when he saw me is "You look thinner! Are you thinner?". He said this with a big smile on his face, like he was congratulating me or something. Weird. Maybe he was just trying to be nonthreatening or something. Anyway, i just brushed it off with a smooooth change of subject cause i still wasnt sure i wanted to talk about it. I started telling him about how ive been feeling closed off from my husband and drawn into my mind most of the time. We started talking about how it might have to do with my religious struggle that im having. Then he started talking about love and how to love someone well you have to be honest with them. That was when i said "well i havent exactly been honest with chris about, um, food stuff lately". Then cory sat right up in his chair and i could hear him thinking "jackpot!". So he very casually starts asking me questions and he wants to know EVERYTHING, like what do i eat in a typical day and have i lost weight and stuff like that. And i tell him the truth, but the whole time ED is just SCREAMING in my ear, things like"stupid girl, shut up!" or "dont tell him, he'll just interfere" and "dont bust yourself". And then theres my personal favorite "its not like any of this is a big deal cause after all youre not underweight". But i was brave and i kept talking. Cause i dont want this to turn into a relapse; i dont want to get really sick again. ED derides me for asking for help before things get bad, but isnt that what im supposed to do? Anyway, cory said a bunch of things that were really helpful, unfortunately i cant remember any of it right now. My recall sucks! One thing we disagreed on- he thinks i should tell Chris whats going on, but i dont want to. Because im afraid he will make me stop. And im not ready to yet. At least not until im feeling safer emotionaly, which is something im going to work on with cory. And so it goes.....

Annies a fish...and I'm a failure...

hmm.... i was all excited about this blog at first but seemed to have burned myself out in the first week. Well, that and there hasnt really been anything to report. I watched an interesting show on monkeys the other day...that was fun. Went to AA today...that was smokey! Annie drew on the wall, and now i have to go get a Magic Eraser. Other than that, not much has been going on. Emma has been home sick from school all week, but that is kind of borring to write about. Mostly we just sit around at home cause it is too cold to take a sick little girl out. I did get to go out last night to take annie to mom-baby swimming, which wasnt so bad cause i was excited just to get out of the house. She is doing really good! When we first started going, she wouldnt put her head under the water and just clung tight to me like she was afraid. Now she puts her head under, and if i support her stomach with my hand she kicks her feet and moves her arms like shes doing strokes. I am so proud of her! Ok-so heres the bad: I weighed myself at the Y and i lost quite a bit. At first i thought the scale was broke, so i used the other one they had and it said the same thing. I have kind of been in denial and not weighing myself was a way for me to go on believing that im ok and everything is fine. I guess now i have evidence that things are not going so well. Its hard, though. i just dont want to deal with some of the things that are going on in my life and particularly my marriage. Its easier to focus on what i amm going to eat and not eat. Of course i know this is all bs but that is how i feel right now. What i really need to do is talk more to my therapist and possibly ask him if i can see him every week instead of evey other week. of course, than i would have to admit that i am not this super-recovery-superstar-perfect-patient that everone thinks i am. or at least i thik everyone thinks i am! Hmmm....what to do. More later...