hell hath frozen over

I am going to see a dietitian to day.

Ok I am not anti-dietitian. Lots of people with ED's will benefit from seeing a dietitian at various points in their recovery. But as someone who had been in treatment like a bazillion times, I have kind of a "been there, done that" attitiude about the whole meal plan-serving size-food pyramid thing. I know that fat is a a vital nutrient and your liver can only store 2 hours worth of glycogen and your brain needs carbs to function. I know this stuff (geez I sound cocky).

But I am actually not going to see the D for my eating disorder (or non-eating disorder, since technically I dont even have one anymore! Yay!). I am going to see if she can help with my anxiety and depression. I have been reading ALOT lately about the relationship between mental health and nutrition. Like for instance, did you know that you need amino acids, especially tryptophan, in order for your body to make seratonin? So in theory, even if you were on an SSRI antidepressant, you might still not have enough seratonin if you are not getting all your amino acids. SSRI's dont make seratonin, they just keep more of it floating around in your noggin.
And I have been reading all about different fats, too. I already knew that omega 3's are good for you, but there are also long chain and medium chain and all sorts of fats that do different things for you that I dont quite understand. And I was also reading about how important the balance of magnesium and calcium is in controlling anxiety.

I guess I'm feeling like I am gathering all this information but I dont quite know how to make sense of it, or how to pull it all together. Like, what does all of this mean for Lisa? I don't want a meal plan per se, because I like having flexability, but maybe some sort of loosely structured guidelines would be helpful.

I am seeing a dietitian in my therapist's office. She works with the eating disorder patients, but also with parents of kids with adhd and other mental health problems to help them get the right nutrition to help manage their symptoms, and she knows alot about the relationship between nutrition and mental health. She is only part time in the office, her FT job is professor of nutrition or dietetics or something at Ia State.
Oh, and my insurance wont pay for me to see her so I have to pay out of pocket. Boo. BUt I am to the point where I feel ok about spending the money if I think she could help me. I have been very frustrated with my psych med situation. Pristiq has been a fail, and that is the newest one that I know of. I am SO over the atypical antipsychotics, cant take the benzos because I cant stick to proper doses, have tried every ssri and snri on the market (and even a few that have been pulled from the market), older antidepressants, lithium, shock treatment, ect.
Don't get me wrong, I am going to stay on my current meds, but I think that casting my net a bit wider in my search for symptom relief might be in order.

I'm trying not to get too hopeful. My plan is to go in with no expectations and an open mind.

But seriously, if she whips out the plastic food I am outta there.

First Nurse @&#$*!

Ok, I think that McFarland Clinic needs to give their nurses who man the First Nurse phones some sensitivity training, or something.

I called last night to ask a question about taking ibubrofen (see previous post). It was kind of embarassing because I had to tell the nurse about my "poop problems" and bleeding and such, which was why I was concerned about taking the ibuprofen, because you aren't supposed to take it if you have GI bleeding.
So anyways, the nurse pulls up my chart on the computer and she says "I see you have anxiety and depression......." in a way that made me think that she thinks this has something to do with what I am talking about. This has happened before. I don't know why they have to bring it up! It has nothing to do with my costochondritis or GI bleeding! Then she said "you are on lexapro, prisiq, trazodone, and buspar. Wow, that's alot of medication! You take all that medication!?"
I was beyond irritated by this comment. First of all, that's not really that much medication. I have been on more in the past, and I know alot of people with mental illness that take more medications than that. But it was mostly the tone in her voice that bothered me. It was a judging, dissapproving tone. I know what you are thinking, that I was probably just embarassed and feeling sensitive (and I was), but really, she used the tone. Then she just didn't say anything, I guess she was waiting for me to answer her ridiculous comment, so I just said "yeah" and got back to asking her about my real problem. But fot the rest of the conversation, she talked to me in that "careful, this lady might be crazy, so lets not upset her" voice. You know, the too-friendly, overly slow, carefully enunciated way that people speak to children/the elderly/mentally ill.

Yeah, I was about done after that. I said "thanks for the help" click.

But the good news is, my chest is feeling a little better, and today I POOPED!

Maybe she annoyed the crap out of me.

diary of a nervous breakdown

Lately I feel like all my posts are so negative. I was wondering if I should post today, cause it's just going to be more of the same. But then I realized hey- this is my blog. It exists for therapeutic purposes. So I need to use it to get things out of my head when I need to. So that is just my little way of warning you all that things are getting pretty intense in my world and I might not be blogging anything light or uplifting for awhile. Except for maybe a few cute pictures I have yet to upload. So check for those in a few days or so.

Ok, so here's the new hell I'm going through: started taking the methylphenidate on Friday and at first I liked it. I had tons of energy and was able to get lots of things done. It wears off around noon, at which time I take another dose and I'm good to go. The trouble starts around 4:00 when that dose wears off. A black cloud settles over me and it literally feels like everything good gets sucked out of the world. I fall into a deep depression for the rest of the evening. This is the worst mood swing I have ever encountered.

Somethings not right with me. I wish i could be one of those depressed people that gets a prescription for paxil and feels better. For some reason, I'm not. I take 6 meds and still feel totally unbalanced, fight near-constant suicidal thoughts, and wake up afraid of the day. I don't know how much my meds help, and how much they are making some things worse. I just don't know anymore. I feel a deep sense of hopelessness that comes with having a chronic illness.


Chris and I talked today and we have decided I should go ahead with the ECT's. I am a little scared, but things have gotten bad enough that I am ready to do just about anything.
Today I am focusing on the things that get me through the day. Planning my daughter's second grade class haloween party. Finishing her costume. Going to the gym. Cleaning the bunny cage.
Going to playpals.
Putting one foot in front of the other. Breathing in and out.

ugh

I am Fat. I am deppressed. I stayed in the shower for an obscenely long time this morning because I didn't want this day to start. I am filled with anxiety. I binged and purged this morning. I really hate myself right now. I want to lose weight. I want to feel better.

Help.

ECT

People react to stress, pain in all kinds of ways. Some people call on friends and family for support. Some lean on their faith. Some self- destruct. I seek oblivion.

I just went on a walk, durring which I had a long conversation with myself about whether or not i would call my psychdoc tomorrow and request some ECT treatments. Not that I am any more deppressed then normal. I am just in pain. I hate my body. I'm afraid to get up in the morning and face the day. I miss Emma so much it takes my breath away. Everything hurts right now. The ECT wuold take it all away; the pain the fear, the self-hatred, the ache, all wiped away in one electric moment.
I want to feel the sting of the iv as it goes in, the burn of the injection, the chemical whiff of the medication as it puts me to sleep. I want to wake up with no idea where i am. Someone can drive me home, and I can sit on the couch all day and think of nothing. It's so tempting.

I'm not going to call.

sunday afternoon

well, not much going on. Still here, trying to keep it all together. I wish i had + progress to report on the eating disorder front but so far no good. Was it Marilla from "Anne of Green Gables" who always said "Tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes in it", or something like that? I like that. I mean to post more often on this blog. It's just the darned Seroquel- it scrubs my brainpan clean and all i want to do as soon as the girls go to bed is sleep. Yeah, it's really been putting a dent in my love life (ok, so maybe that is too much information. But there it is.). On the other hand, the anxiety has been more manageable and that is crucial right now. I honestly think that were it not for the seroquel i would be in the hospital right now. So i am willing to make the temporary sacrifices for a little piece of mind. Piece of my mind. Ha ha!
Lately i have been semi- obsessed with the song "Disturbia" by Rriahna (sp?). I feel like the lyrics pretty much describe what it is like to be me right now. Ok, maybe that is a little bit dramatic, but there it is. And who hasn't, at some point or another, heard a song that just clicks and makes them say "hey, that is so me!"? I wish i knew how to copy/paste or whatever and could put the lyrics up here. The song is kind of about living with a madness inside that distorts everything and isolates you and is debillitating. At least thats how i took it. Thats how i feel about my deppression/anxiety/eating disorder. Its like i live in a cold and scary parallel universe and im looking out through a distorted lense of irrational fears and bad memories. I try to function in the so-called real world but in order to do so i keep up a constant dialogue with myself, kind of like a coach. It sounds like this " now go to your husband. now hug him. now smile. put the pot on the stove. turn on the stove. good job. you can do it. theres emma. give her a hug and smile.". Well, thats only on bad days. On good days i can function without the "coach". Only there havent been very many good days lately. It might sound like i dont love my husband and kids, like i am "fake" with them. Thats not it at all. If it werent for the love that i have for my honey and little ones i would just give up. Its just that the deppression makes it difficult some times to be expressive or just plain interact above the level of a slug.
Whoops! I didnt mean to ramble on. Since ive scared off any new readers, and bored the rest of you into a coma, i had better go. I have some serious sitting around to do. But if you comment and you have heard that song, please tell me what you think of it. I do admit, it has kind of an annoying rhthym that gets stuck in your head. Bombombedum boombombedomdom.....

sad

OK, SO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS POST IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED BY SOMEONES EATING DISORDER/ MENTAL ILLNESS SYMPTOMS. SKIP THIS ONE! I DONT WANT TO HURT ANYONE! I JUST NEED TO GET THIS OUT! I feel absolutely awful right now. I know, that doesnt really describe it well. I just feel scared and hopeless and deppressed and, yes, suicidal. I think the thing that has really kept me from making an attempt is that i realize that i would most likely either chicken out or fail, thus ending up in the er and being hospitalized on a psych ward, and that is definately not what i want. i just dont think i really have it in me to end my life, and the hospital has absolutely nothing to offer me. So here i am . Im sure at some point i will be glad i am not killing myself. Jusst not right now.
I was doing ok until last week, when some stuff came up in therapy that was really hard, like i mentioned in my last post. I got waaay stressed out over it, but had recovered enough to function in time for our ward christmas party on saturday. This day was kind of a positive anniversary for me, since it was a yaer since my last "drunk". One year ago, on the day of our ward christmas party, i got lit on all the hand sanitizer in our 72 hour kits. While taking anabuse. Yep, i'm a classy lady. Anyway, i haven't drank since. i'm really proud of that.
So anyway, we went to the party on saturday and there was this big dinner and i binged and purged. Something just snapped in me and i did it. Afterward i felt horrible. I was so proud of myself that i hadnt purged since my treatment last yaer. This was a huge accomplishment for me. And now i blew it. I let myself down and everyone else, too. Well, i swore id pick myself back up and that it wouldnt happen again but i have thrown up every day since then. I did it 4 times yesterday! Yesterday was just the worst, i felt very out of control and suicidal and scared and alone. I am terrified that i am going to end up back in the HELL that is bulimia! I WOULD RATHER DIE! Oh, and i am taking laxatives too :( . i am so tired of this. Im tired of letting people down and being a failure. Im tired of spending each day just trying to get through the moment, scared and sad and in survival mode. I wast to wake up and be HAPPY that im alive and LOOK FORWARD to the day! I feel like i am in a nightmare!
One ray of hope- i havent thrown up yet today. But i havent eaten much either, which i know sets me up for failure. And we have a BIG FAMILY DINNER tonight, Im still trying to work out a strategy for that one. Im going to see my psychiatrist in thurs and ask him if i can go on pristiq. Its a new snri antidepressant. Lexapro has worked the best for me in the past, but now i dont think its quite doing the job. Wish me luck! And to anyone who rreads this, thanks for being there.