Lately I feel like all my posts are so negative. I was wondering if I should post today, cause it's just going to be more of the same. But then I realized hey- this is my blog. It exists for therapeutic purposes. So I need to use it to get things out of my head when I need to. So that is just my little way of warning you all that things are getting pretty intense in my world and I might not be blogging anything light or uplifting for awhile. Except for maybe a few cute pictures I have yet to upload. So check for those in a few days or so.
Ok, so here's the new hell I'm going through: started taking the methylphenidate on Friday and at first I liked it. I had tons of energy and was able to get lots of things done. It wears off around noon, at which time I take another dose and I'm good to go. The trouble starts around 4:00 when that dose wears off. A black cloud settles over me and it literally feels like everything good gets sucked out of the world. I fall into a deep depression for the rest of the evening. This is the worst mood swing I have ever encountered.
Somethings not right with me. I wish i could be one of those depressed people that gets a prescription for paxil and feels better. For some reason, I'm not. I take 6 meds and still feel totally unbalanced, fight near-constant suicidal thoughts, and wake up afraid of the day. I don't know how much my meds help, and how much they are making some things worse. I just don't know anymore. I feel a deep sense of hopelessness that comes with having a chronic illness.
Chris and I talked today and we have decided I should go ahead with the ECT's. I am a little scared, but things have gotten bad enough that I am ready to do just about anything.
Today I am focusing on the things that get me through the day. Planning my daughter's second grade class haloween party. Finishing her costume. Going to the gym. Cleaning the bunny cage.
Going to playpals.
Putting one foot in front of the other. Breathing in and out.
Judgement and Regrets
6 days ago