I had a session with K (my new therapist) today and we were talking about my ED and she said that she would diagnose me as Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, which kind of suprised me. I mean, I know I'm not anorexic because I am at a healthy weight. But wouldn't I be bulimic since facing down the toilet is pretty much a daily occurence in my life? All she said about it was that I wasn't diagnosable as either anorexic of bulimic.
So I am left to mull over what this means for me. Can I view my EDNOS status as progress? Doesn't feel like it. I still feel pretty damned eating disordered. I still hate my body and am obsessed with losing weight and being thin. Every day I wake up and try to decide what to eat/what not to eat and realize that I am going to loathe myself either way.
What I'm afraid of is that this diagnosis isn't going to get me the help that I need. Will professionals look at it and think "well, she isn't that bad...". Will my treatment be seen as neccessary by my insurance? Will I lose my social security?
I shouldn't freak out or jump to conclusions. My SSDI is actually based on deppression as much as it is my ED. And for the other stuff, well, I would say that K has recognised that I need considerable help right now as she is seeing me as often as her schedule allows.
I really think that I should discuss this more with K when i see her tomorrow. I am embarrassed to admit it, but there is a real danger of me getting worse just so I qualify for the diagnosis that I want. I'm just being honest because I recognise this tendency in myself. But I want to prevent this from happening, so I think that talking to K and letting her know my concerns would be prudent.
In other news, i'm still deppressed and still considering shock treatments over winter break.
Emma had her first "cereal box art projects" class at the local art center today. They are making haunted houses. So cute.
Did you know you can find pictures of a rabbit's private parts on the internet? Just google it. Yeah, who knew?
Emma is going to be a jaguar for Haloween, Annie is a Bee. They will be adorable.
So far, none of us has the flu.
Well thats it folks.
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago