Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Promoted? Or Demoted?

I had a session with K (my new therapist) today and we were talking about my ED and she said that she would diagnose me as Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, which kind of suprised me. I mean, I know I'm not anorexic because I am at a healthy weight. But wouldn't I be bulimic since facing down the toilet is pretty much a daily occurence in my life? All she said about it was that I wasn't diagnosable as either anorexic of bulimic.

So I am left to mull over what this means for me. Can I view my EDNOS status as progress? Doesn't feel like it. I still feel pretty damned eating disordered. I still hate my body and am obsessed with losing weight and being thin. Every day I wake up and try to decide what to eat/what not to eat and realize that I am going to loathe myself either way.

What I'm afraid of is that this diagnosis isn't going to get me the help that I need. Will professionals look at it and think "well, she isn't that bad...". Will my treatment be seen as neccessary by my insurance? Will I lose my social security?

I shouldn't freak out or jump to conclusions. My SSDI is actually based on deppression as much as it is my ED. And for the other stuff, well, I would say that K has recognised that I need considerable help right now as she is seeing me as often as her schedule allows.

I really think that I should discuss this more with K when i see her tomorrow. I am embarrassed to admit it, but there is a real danger of me getting worse just so I qualify for the diagnosis that I want. I'm just being honest because I recognise this tendency in myself. But I want to prevent this from happening, so I think that talking to K and letting her know my concerns would be prudent.

In other news, i'm still deppressed and still considering shock treatments over winter break.

Emma had her first "cereal box art projects" class at the local art center today. They are making haunted houses. So cute.

Did you know you can find pictures of a rabbit's private parts on the internet? Just google it. Yeah, who knew?

Emma is going to be a jaguar for Haloween, Annie is a Bee. They will be adorable.

So far, none of us has the flu.

Well thats it folks.


Eating Alone said...

1st hello from EDNOS land. It is real and you are just as sick as an underweight ana, or binge and purge bulimic. A true profesional will know this. People of healthy weight die from this and other ED's! You don't need to "look" or "act" sicker!

I know what you are going through. It's not one of the "sexy" disorders that you hear about. But think about it's that much worse cause you've got aspect's of so many ED's all rolled up in your head. The restricting, the binging, the purging, the rituals.

Sorry I just went through the whole, "well if I can just get sick with one of the ones that people know about it will be better. This EDNOS isn't a real illness."

Talk to K about it and DONT GET SICKER!!!!

Now I'm off to look up rabbits!

Alexandra Rising said...

a) Diagnostic Criteria sucks and I'm glad we have the DSM-V to look forward to...although it's unfortunate we have to wait until 2012!

b) Perhaps you "don't fit" the criteria for bulimic in said therapists mind because sometimes criteria says bulimics are overweight? I dont know...

Diagnostics suck. No matter which way they go: healthy, sick, wrong, right.

I think, no matter what, Eating contains the word 'disorder', you know? Something isn't right. Something might make you sick, or you may already be sick.

I worry for you :( Lots of smiles sent your way!

sarah said...

sorry you are struggling so much - i hope things can turn around for you quickly ... you are in my thoughts even though i rarely comment anymore.

as for the EDNOS thing. ugh! i hate it and i completely understand where you are coming from. when i started treatment, i was diagnosed as bulimic ... eventually that diagnosis changed to anorexia ... but now, i do not technically qualify for either one and my therapist said i was not considered EDNOS. i hate that. i wanted to label that wasn;t so up in the air. i wanted to to be taken seriously ... etc, etc, etc.
i have come to realize though that it is an eating disorder no matter what you call it, and i struggle just as much as the next person. i needed to learn to ignore the label and just focus on my health. said...

Yes the EDNOS thing has this reputation of being a less serious problem, but that's not true at all.

I know for sure that when I first started having eating problems, I met the diagnostic criteria for anorexia, but I didn't see a professional so I wasn't diagnosed.

When I finally started seeing Tracy, she diagnosed me as anorexic for like a tiny bit of time and then it's been EDNOS from then on out. EDNOS is my official diagnosis too. EDs really have just bad diagnostic criteria. They really do. Your ED is not less severe b/c your therapist thinks you are EDNOS.

I REALY REALLY REALLY encourage you to talk to K about how you feel about the EDNOS label. Please please please tell her that part of you is inclined to get worse so that you can get the diagnosis you want.

And try to pause for a second and remember what it is you do want. Remember, you don't want to be sick, Lisa. You want to be in control of yourself, strong, and healthy independent adult. Aim for healthy. DON'T BE AFRAID OF HEALTH. (I hope that's not coming out as me implying you're staying sick on purpose - that's not what I mean - but we've discussed before the role of the illness and what it does... and both you and I have mentioned how it helps us avoid life and avoid being the person we could be. So don't get sicker just to get the diagnosis. You don't want that. That's not what you, Lisa, really wants.

I'm really glad you're in frequent treatment and considering the shocks over break. I don't know what the right answer is for you, but I know that oyu need support.

Good for you for being honest about what's going on.


PTC said...

I can totally understand your concern with the diagnosis thing. You should tell K about how you are feeling because the last thing you need is to get worse!!

Keely said...

No matter what diagnosis, it doesn't mean that you are any "less needing" of help. I would say neither promoted or demoted. Just *Lisa* who has some problems that need some attention and care.

Emma and Annie's costumes sound so awesome. :) Take a picture of Emma's haunted house. :)