So I'm sitting here soaking an infected toe in saltwater (yummy, right?) and i thought I'd post a few thoughts.
I went to the gym and worked out this morning, and had my introductry consultation with the personal trainer. It was free, of course I cannot afford personal training. So anyways, she took my blood pressure and it was 144/80 !!!! I usually run low, and this was at least 40 points above my normal! It freaked me out! So hopefully I am not having a stroke anytime soon or anything.
The session was really great and she taught me some really good moves for my core. I have never worked on my core before, as that conflicts with my habit of prtending that my core doesn't exist. But I am ready to change my patterns of behavior (I think) and hope to become more fit and lean.
Today as I was working out I realized that if I am going to do this I really can't starve myself anymore. Since I have paid like a million dollars for this membership I have to work out, and I cant work out if I don't give myself fuel. So I guess I am blackmailing myself into being healthy.
Part of me is scared by this. I mean, how will i manage my feelings without my eating disorder? How will I define my life if I am not justifying my existence by starving? Can I do this?
Judgement and Regrets
6 days ago