Saturday, February 26, 2011

bad day hello

I just feel.....sad..angry..hopeless..useless...I could go on, but I wont.

There is trouble in paradise. Chris and I had, well, not a fight. We don't really fight. We had a thing. And it is not really resolved, so we have spent most of this evening hanging around our small apartment but not really talking to eachother.

Right after the thing, I was feeling so angry and sad and hurt. And FULL, because I had just eaten dinner. Why is it that this crap always happens right around dinner time? I wanted to throw up so bad. Just throw up all those feeelings. Feel empty and calm and emotionless. Thats how the ED made me feel. I had no emotions. No one could hurt me, because I didn't feel pain.

But I didn't feel joy, either.

I didn't throw up. I did some laundry, and then I decided to look through a box of photos. You know, real photos, not the ones on my computer. I didn't have a digital camera when Emma was little, so most of the pictures are from when she was a baby and a toddler, with a few of Chris and Annie thrown in. But mostly I looked at Emma. Emma, with her baby curls, her huge, beautiful eyes. Her mischevious grin.

It was a mistake, looking at those pictures. Because it all came rushing at me and hit me square in the stomach, like a fist. The years between when those pictures were taken and now. All the mistakes I have made. All the stupid, crazy shit I have done. The times she has seen me cry, freak out, and break down. The eight times I have been hosptialised since she was born.

I have tried to be the best mom I could be!!!!! I have given her everything I had to give, but the problem is, I have never had very much to give.

Maybe I should have stayed with her dad. Or maybe I should have given him custody. Maybe what that one blogger said was right: crazy people shouldn't have children.

What am I? Stupid, unstable, lazy, uneducated, bad mom, failure.

I don't care if I never amount to anything. But God, please save my girls.

I'll be ok (so don't worry). It's just been a really crappy day.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

getting the shaft

I am irritated and just need to vent about a few things.
I just had to fork over $25 for two days worth of Lexapro. For some reason my prescription plan had decided that it wants prior authorization, and of course since today is saturday and my doctor's office is closed I had no choice but to buy a few to tide me over. The problem is, I take 30 mgs a day, and the script is for 10 mg tablets, which is 3 per day, but my drug plan has decided it wont pay for 3 pills per day. I could get 20 mg tablets and take 1 and 1/2 per day and they would cover that. But since the script is for 10 mg tablets I have to wait until they can get ahold of my doctor and ask him to change it to 20 mg tablets.
I dont know if I am making any sense. I am just really irritated at the moment.
But seriously, does this look like $25 worth of meds to you? Why is this stuff so expensive, anyway?

Ok, here is the the other thing I want to complain about. Since there were some killer after-Vday candy sales, I treated myself to this ginormous box of chocolates. I took this pic with Annie in it, for scale. I don't even think she knew I was taking her picture because she was mesmerised by the Wii.
So it looks like a big box, right? has a false bottom! How deceptive! It's like they hired some engineers to figure out how to put the least amount of chocolate in the biggest box.

And they weren't very good chocolates anyway. Oh well.

Ok, rant over.

Monday, February 14, 2011

my valentines

Happy Valentines Day to the loves of my life, my reasons for living, my everything!!




Wednesday, February 9, 2011

superficial moment of the day

Oh, who am I kidding....I spend most of my day thinking about superficial crap.
So which do you like better.....

....or long(ish)......

......because I am trying to decide whether or not to keep growing it. Right now I am leaning towards growing it some more. I mean, I can always cut it, right?

I don't know, for some reason the short hair makes me feel younger.

What do you think?

Sunday, February 6, 2011

the job

I wasn't planning on getting a job right now. I am working with vocational rehabilitation, but so far the plan is for me to try taking a college class next fall (hence the application). But then this job popped up at the local mental health center. The position is "Peer Support Specialist". They are looking for people who have lived experience with mental illness, who are stable and can work with others with severe and persistant mental illness to help them with things like goal setting, coping skills, problem solving, crisis management, advocacy, ect. I would be helping others maintain stability so they can live in the community, and advocate for them durring crisis.

I really, really want to do this kind of work. And goodness knows I have the "lived experience". I have experienced pretty much every level of care they have around here...inpatient psych unit, county care facility (otherwise known as residential or long-term care), supervised community living, inpatient and outpatient committment, ect. I think the only place I haven't been is a group home. But I understand what it is like to come out of an institution and try to live in the "real world". All of a sudden having to navigate stressors like bills and grocery shopping and getting to appointments. Not having a nurse or care tech to talk to 24/7 when you feel anxious or unsafe. People get stable in the hospital or in a treatment center, but on your own, in your own place, is where the rubber meets the road. Some people don't make it. Maybe they don't have enough support, or they are not following their wellness plan, or something stressful happens. Or maybe they are just too ill. Sometimes all it can take is a few crisis hospitalizations and you are sent back to an institution.
That's where I think that Peer Support can be really valuable. The PSS can fill in the gap between therapists and case workers who are often overworked. The PSS ideally would have greater empathy and insight because of their own battle with mental illness, and might even be able to see signs of deterioration before a liscenced proffessional.
I have a friend here in Iowa who because of an ED has been in and out of hospitals and treatment centers for years (we have been in alot of the same places here in Iowa and I think she would agree with me that treatment around here for ED's is woefully inadequate). Following a hospitalization last year she was is a care facility for several months, and eventually was released to her own apartment. She had a therapist and a dietitian. She also had a caseworker who was supposed to be keeping tabs on her but kept failing to show up for home visits and to my knowledge only made it once or twice. My friend saw her therapist and dietitian regularly, but it was between visits that she really struggled, and eventually relapsed. She was re-hospitalised, lost her apartment, and is now in a care facility yet again. The whole thing has made me so angry and helpless. Maybe peer support would not have made a difference. Maybe she would have gone downhill no matter what. But I really believe that if she had had a PSS who could have come to her home several times a week and was able to sit down with her and work out a plan to deal with behaviors and even maybe grocery shopped with her or been on call to talk and also hold her accountable....I don't know, but I think it might have made a difference. Maybe with more support it might have just been a rough patch that she would have gotten over, instead of a full-blown relapse. And I am not niave. I'm sure that the situation was more complicated than it appeared. But whatever the circumstances were, it was clear to me that she did not get the support she needed to live independently.

Ok, so back to the job. I am not getting my hopes up about this one. For one thing, I have not been through Peer Support Academy, and I have not been trained in WRAP (wellness recovery action planning). But the job add said that you had 2 years to get this training if hired. Also, I learned from someone at NAMI, this lady who is kind of my mentor there who encouraged me to apply for the job, that in my county only 3 people are Peer Support Academy graduates, and two of them are not applying. So maybe I have a chance.

But, like I said, I was not planning to try work at this time. It is only that this particular job became avaliable that I decided to check it out. If I get it, that would be great. And scary (I haven't held a regular job in years, I would have to figure out childcare, I would have to step outside my comfort zone). But if I don't get the job, that would be ok, too. It would just tell me that the timing is off, and I should get the trainings and apply for the job the next time it comes around. So I think I am looking at it in a fairly healthy way.

To be honest, I am more stressed about finalizing the lease on this duplex we might move to next fall. Geez, it's a hassle! Oh, and I have a cold. Again. I don't even think I was 100% over the last one! I swear it ts the gym. Every time I go I get sick. I think that place is crawling.

Well, that's about it. I had like 3 things I wanted to blog about today, but I think this will have to do.


Friday, February 4, 2011

outside my comfort zone

In the past two days I have:

-found an apartment (hopefully signing the lease today)
-applied to college
-responded to a help wanted ad
-applied for training to facilitate NAMI Peer Connections support group

Also, I need to address and send out the invitations to my sister's baby shower which I am planning by the end of this week.

Feeling a bit stressed out at the moment.......

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


Ewww, gross, right? I know! I have always been a nail biter, but when I get stressed I go a little overboard and start chewing on the skin around my nails. It started with cuticle picking and kind of progressed from there. I have to admit that is has gotten a bit out of control. As evidenced in the picture above, one patch on my thumb that I am currently "working on" is nearly a full inch from the nail bed. So I cant really call it nail biting anymore. Is it "picking"? Self-cannibalism?
These pictures don't really show how bad it is. The tips of my fingers are usually red and sore and scabby or swollen. It makes nearly everything I try to do hurt! It hurts to buckle my seatbelt, or open containers, zip and button my jeans, put sheets on a bed, ect. Pretty much anything that you use your fingers for is painful for me.

Also, alot of times they will start bleeding without me realising it. I have bled on alot of my clothes, and there are blood spots on our off-white duvet cover on out bed. It is seriously gross. And it embarasses me, especially in public. Cuz you know, everyone likes to be around a stranger who is leaking bodily fluids. Sometimes I will be signing a credit card reciept and realize that I have bled on it. Yummy.

I have tried so many times to stop chewing. But seriously, I like it. It is soothing in a weird way. I guess I can kind of sympathize with those people who pull out their hair. It seems weird to other people, but it's something I do that helps me relax.

You all know that I'm kind of a hypochondriac, though. I do worry about germs I may be picking up places and putting in my mouth. Like, when I sit in my doctor's office and chew. That is about the worst place to be putting your fingers in your mouth! And I am suprised I haven't caught a staph infection yet. It's probably only a matter of time.

Really, these pictures don't do it justice. It's out of control.

Sometimes when I am chewing around Chris he will tell me to stop and it really pisses me off. I know he is just trying to help me and he doesn't like to see me hurt myself (plus he is tired of me bleeding on our duvet) but some part of me feels like he is interfeering, or trying to control me. It makes me feel rebellious and I want to chew more.

Maybe I should be on that new show "My Strange Addiction".