must....stop....doing....this......

Ewww, gross, right? I know! I have always been a nail biter, but when I get stressed I go a little overboard and start chewing on the skin around my nails. It started with cuticle picking and kind of progressed from there. I have to admit that is has gotten a bit out of control. As evidenced in the picture above, one patch on my thumb that I am currently "working on" is nearly a full inch from the nail bed. So I cant really call it nail biting anymore. Is it "picking"? Self-cannibalism?
These pictures don't really show how bad it is. The tips of my fingers are usually red and sore and scabby or swollen. It makes nearly everything I try to do hurt! It hurts to buckle my seatbelt, or open containers, zip and button my jeans, put sheets on a bed, ect. Pretty much anything that you use your fingers for is painful for me.

Also, alot of times they will start bleeding without me realising it. I have bled on alot of my clothes, and there are blood spots on our off-white duvet cover on out bed. It is seriously gross. And it embarasses me, especially in public. Cuz you know, everyone likes to be around a stranger who is leaking bodily fluids. Sometimes I will be signing a credit card reciept and realize that I have bled on it. Yummy.

I have tried so many times to stop chewing. But seriously, I like it. It is soothing in a weird way. I guess I can kind of sympathize with those people who pull out their hair. It seems weird to other people, but it's something I do that helps me relax.

You all know that I'm kind of a hypochondriac, though. I do worry about germs I may be picking up places and putting in my mouth. Like, when I sit in my doctor's office and chew. That is about the worst place to be putting your fingers in your mouth! And I am suprised I haven't caught a staph infection yet. It's probably only a matter of time.

Really, these pictures don't do it justice. It's out of control.

Sometimes when I am chewing around Chris he will tell me to stop and it really pisses me off. I know he is just trying to help me and he doesn't like to see me hurt myself (plus he is tired of me bleeding on our duvet) but some part of me feels like he is interfeering, or trying to control me. It makes me feel rebellious and I want to chew more.

Maybe I should be on that new show "My Strange Addiction".

Help!!!!

hell hath frozen over

I am going to see a dietitian to day.

Ok I am not anti-dietitian. Lots of people with ED's will benefit from seeing a dietitian at various points in their recovery. But as someone who had been in treatment like a bazillion times, I have kind of a "been there, done that" attitiude about the whole meal plan-serving size-food pyramid thing. I know that fat is a a vital nutrient and your liver can only store 2 hours worth of glycogen and your brain needs carbs to function. I know this stuff (geez I sound cocky).

But I am actually not going to see the D for my eating disorder (or non-eating disorder, since technically I dont even have one anymore! Yay!). I am going to see if she can help with my anxiety and depression. I have been reading ALOT lately about the relationship between mental health and nutrition. Like for instance, did you know that you need amino acids, especially tryptophan, in order for your body to make seratonin? So in theory, even if you were on an SSRI antidepressant, you might still not have enough seratonin if you are not getting all your amino acids. SSRI's dont make seratonin, they just keep more of it floating around in your noggin.
And I have been reading all about different fats, too. I already knew that omega 3's are good for you, but there are also long chain and medium chain and all sorts of fats that do different things for you that I dont quite understand. And I was also reading about how important the balance of magnesium and calcium is in controlling anxiety.

I guess I'm feeling like I am gathering all this information but I dont quite know how to make sense of it, or how to pull it all together. Like, what does all of this mean for Lisa? I don't want a meal plan per se, because I like having flexability, but maybe some sort of loosely structured guidelines would be helpful.

I am seeing a dietitian in my therapist's office. She works with the eating disorder patients, but also with parents of kids with adhd and other mental health problems to help them get the right nutrition to help manage their symptoms, and she knows alot about the relationship between nutrition and mental health. She is only part time in the office, her FT job is professor of nutrition or dietetics or something at Ia State.
Oh, and my insurance wont pay for me to see her so I have to pay out of pocket. Boo. BUt I am to the point where I feel ok about spending the money if I think she could help me. I have been very frustrated with my psych med situation. Pristiq has been a fail, and that is the newest one that I know of. I am SO over the atypical antipsychotics, cant take the benzos because I cant stick to proper doses, have tried every ssri and snri on the market (and even a few that have been pulled from the market), older antidepressants, lithium, shock treatment, ect.
Don't get me wrong, I am going to stay on my current meds, but I think that casting my net a bit wider in my search for symptom relief might be in order.

I'm trying not to get too hopeful. My plan is to go in with no expectations and an open mind.

But seriously, if she whips out the plastic food I am outta there.

First Nurse @&#$*!

Ok, I think that McFarland Clinic needs to give their nurses who man the First Nurse phones some sensitivity training, or something.

I called last night to ask a question about taking ibubrofen (see previous post). It was kind of embarassing because I had to tell the nurse about my "poop problems" and bleeding and such, which was why I was concerned about taking the ibuprofen, because you aren't supposed to take it if you have GI bleeding.
So anyways, the nurse pulls up my chart on the computer and she says "I see you have anxiety and depression......." in a way that made me think that she thinks this has something to do with what I am talking about. This has happened before. I don't know why they have to bring it up! It has nothing to do with my costochondritis or GI bleeding! Then she said "you are on lexapro, prisiq, trazodone, and buspar. Wow, that's alot of medication! You take all that medication!?"
I was beyond irritated by this comment. First of all, that's not really that much medication. I have been on more in the past, and I know alot of people with mental illness that take more medications than that. But it was mostly the tone in her voice that bothered me. It was a judging, dissapproving tone. I know what you are thinking, that I was probably just embarassed and feeling sensitive (and I was), but really, she used the tone. Then she just didn't say anything, I guess she was waiting for me to answer her ridiculous comment, so I just said "yeah" and got back to asking her about my real problem. But fot the rest of the conversation, she talked to me in that "careful, this lady might be crazy, so lets not upset her" voice. You know, the too-friendly, overly slow, carefully enunciated way that people speak to children/the elderly/mentally ill.

Yeah, I was about done after that. I said "thanks for the help" click.

But the good news is, my chest is feeling a little better, and today I POOPED!

Maybe she annoyed the crap out of me.

wishful drinking.....oops I mean thinking, did I say drinking? My bad!

I know I haven't posted about my Christmas yet but my funky awful mood that I am currently in precludes that.

I feel crappy. And anxious. And....listless? Fat? Bored? I dont know.

I want a drink really really bad. I have already gone through the house and checked all the baking extracts and mouthwash. No luck. And no, I haven't even considered the hand sanitizer. The thought gives me the shivvvvvvers.

To be clear, I AM NOT AN ALOCOHOLIC (and I'm not in denial). My therapist agrees with me on this one. She believes I was misdiagnosed and mislabled and victimized by a DHS social worker on a power trip. I tend to agree.

But.....

My husband is vehemently anti-alcohol. Plus, I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm an alcoholic. My first clue was 3 years ago when he committed me to alcohol treatment. Said treatment lasted a whole 5 days because, as I said, I am not an alcoholic. We pretty much ran out of alcohol-related issues for me to address (duh I drank a total of 5 times in a two month period) so they discharged me to outpatient.

Ok, ok, so it wasn't really the frequency of my drinking that concerned people. I think it was the dumb-assed choices I made while drinking. And I guess my choices of alcohol werent exactly normal. Hand sanitizer, Bath and Body Works body spray, and vanilla extract aren't your typical cocktail hour choices. Ok maybe I did have some issues. But they were mostly my religious and social guilt about drinking, so I couldn't just pour myself a glass of wine and have a drink like a normal person. Chugging a bottle of vanilla extract in my apartment parking lot feels pretty dysfunctional. But I was desperate, experiencing untreated Xanax withdrawal, just trying to get rid of "that feeling".

Which brings me back to tonight. I'm having "that feeling" again. The one I would do nearly anything to get rid of. Yes, I would love a drink right now.

But the think is, my therapist and I have talked about scenarios in which I could imagine myself drinking appropriately. They include: dinner with friends (except not if my husband is there because he would be uncomfortable), dinner with family (well maybe not), and......I guess that's it. But drinking due to stress or to treat mental illness is definately not on the list. Nor is drinking in my house or around my husband. Sigh.

Geez I would really love to be wasted right now. But I guess that's not in the cards for tonight. I just freaking hate feeling like this!!!!!!!!

Help?

look, another anxiety post!

I don't think that I mentioned this, but after I saw my new Psych doc and he put me on Lexapro my anxiety really improved. I went about 2 weeks without any health-related anxiety (ok I should start calling it hypochondriasis. That's what the doc said it was, but technically he didn't diagnose me with it, because it is secondary to my generalised anxiety disorder/ocd, or some crap like that). I did have that anxiety with the mag citrate, but that was more like anxiety about anxiety, and when I actually drank the stuff I did ok. And there was a similar incident at the dentist 2 weeks ago over some novacaine. But other than that I have been doing ok.
Until.......

This past week the hypochondriasis is returning. It was triggered by several nights of having night sweats (ewww, gross). I started having this feeling of dread because I know that night sweats are a sign of cancer. I resisted googling it until two days ago, when I finally broke down and got on Web MD, where I learned that night sweats are a symptom of non-hodgkins lymphoma. So I was reading the other symptoms and one of them was abdominal pain/feeling of fullness, and I started to panic, because I totally have that. So then I started thinking I had NH lymphoma. But I was able to calm myself down by reading the other symptoms, which I dont have. But last night I started feeling nauseated for no reason, which made me think brain tumor....and the beat goes on......

I am feeling ok today (except my tooth hurts, the filling the dentist put in last week is "high". Its ok I'll just have him adjust it when I go back next week for my THIRD round of dental work in a month). But the "cloud" is back. Fearing the next wave of anxiety is like living under a cloud. I never know when the next attack will happen and so even when I feel normal I don't trust it. I so back to see Dr. S next week and I can share all this with him and hopefull he will increase the Lexapro and It will work.

Sigh how I really miss Xanax sometimes. I know I overused it and it was a bad thing for me and ultimately made my anxiety worse and getting off it was hell. But some days (LOTS of days) I think "I really just want to take a pill to make this all go away for a few hours. Just a few hours of respite. that's all I ask".

Gosh I have lots more thoughts, about my eating disorder recovery and my kids and Christmas ect. But this post is already kind of long. Maybe I should post more often.

XOLisa

big huge update with picures and everything

So I was sitting down the other day to write a post about my Thanksgiving and stuff and my computer crapped out. I guess it had some gnarly virus. I just got it back from Geek Squad today ($160). Awesome.
So anyways, here is an update on my life. I guess I will start with Thanksgiving. This was my first Thanksgiving in years that I not only didn't have any eating disorder behaviors, but it wasn't even a struggle. There have been a few Thanksgivings that I didn't purge, but I always got really upset and anxious about the food. Not this year though. I ate, well, normally. It was really nice to just eat and visit and not be off in ED lala land in my head.
I still get uncomfortable about some things, though. I feel weird if I have to go to the bathroom shortly after eating because I wonder if people think I am purging. But I have decided that people can think what they want. I gotta pee, you know?

Speak of bathroom matters, I ran into a bit of a bind last week (bind haha). I didn't take my miralax regularly while I was out of town, and that combined with all the food cause me some problems. I ended up in the urgent care last night feeling really sick and after examining me and poking on my tummy the doctor concluded that I was really constipated. She told me to go drink a bottle of magnisium citrate to get cleaned out. I nearly broke into tears. The thought of taking the mag citrate terrified me. With my hypochondriasis, I know that drinking a bottle of that stuff could result in cramping, weakness, shakiness, ect, which in turn might make me panic and think I was in heart failure/having a stroke/bleeding internally/whatever. I was worried I would be up all night freaking out, or worse, in the ER feeling irritating the doctors and feeling stupid. I just didnt want to go through all that. The doctor told me that mag citrate was totally safe. I mean, they give it to children, the elderly, people with all kinds of medical problems. And I know she wouldnt tell me to take it if it could hurt me. Doctors dont want to get sued, right? I just feel so tired of this.
SO I went to the pharmacy, where I interrigated the pharmacist for about a half hour (fortunately she wasn't busy). I didnt even try to act normal. I asked her "what if I have an intestinal blockage? Would this stuff kill me then? NO I dont have a blockage but what if I did and didn't know it? What if I were bleeding internally? Well, could this CAUSE me to bleed internally?" and so on and so forth. I pretty much covered all my bases.
In the end I came home and drank the stuff and spent all night crapping my guts out and didn't panic and nothing bad happened. So all of that was over nothing. Just think of what I could accomplish if I didn't make up all this trouble for myself. Geez....

Anyways, with everything cleared out, my stomach looked pretty flat this morning. It was scary how much I liked that feeling. The feeling of my body clearing out, my stomach flat and empty. It only lasted for a few minutes, though. Then I was like "hey, wake up, kid! How do you think your intestines got so messed up anyways?". Seriously, I haven't abused laxatives in nearly ten years, and my body still hasnt recovered. No way am I going to start down that road again.

Oh, and when I finally did get to sleep last night, Annie woke up with the croup. I hate the croup. It sounds like your child can't breathe. It's scary. I took her to the doctor today and he gave her a shot of steroids to help open up her airways. SO I am praying tonight goes ok.

There is STILL no snow here! Boo! But I put up my Christmas stuff and am trying to get in the spirit. See below, a sideways photo of my tree....
And here are the stockings. We don't have a mantle to hang them on but the bookcase works.
This picture didn't turn out that great but I put together this garland with lights and (fake) cranberries and it is really pretty.

Oh and our table centerpiece. Believe it or not, I went from Hobby Lobby to salvation army to Target to Walmart back to Hobby Lobby to figure this thing out. My three criteria were: it had to be cheap, it had to match our decor, and it had to incorperate fruit. SO, the cloth thingy is a placemat from Walmart ($2), the dish was $7 at Walmart, ant the picks were about $1.75 total. Plus the fresh fruit. I think it worked out well.

See, how could I ever have a job or go to school? It would leave me no time to drive all over town obsessing over fruity centerpieces.

Here is a lovely picture of my husband cutting the cheese.

Annie, helping my mom cook.

Awww crap, I posted the fuzzy one.....

Here is a dance party I had with the girls a few Sundays ago, a result of Sunday afternoon boredom. We got dressed up in our funkiest stuff (yes, I am wearing Victoria's Secret lingerie over a tanktop) and busted a move. I decided what we need is a rotating color-light disco ball, so I am getting the girls one for Christmas.

I introduced them to the "GO" soundtrack, well, parts off it. It made me feel kind of old.
Emma, fast asleep.... ....and little Annie bug.

And here they are playing covered wagon with their bunk beds.

This is my blog! If you want to read it, you have to see pictures of my kids!

Just kidding......kind of.....

Sorry I have sucked at commenting (out of town, broke computer). I will try to get back on track.

XOLisa

doing better

hmm I guess it's time for an update. The really really good news first.............................................................................................................................................................................................................
....................................................................................................................................................................................
....I have a psychiatrist!!!!! And he's NICE! And he listens!! And he didn't just tell me to go excercise!!!

I had my first appointment with him last Friday. We talked for a long time, mostly about my anxiety. He thinks I should be on an SSRI (Pristiq is an SNRI), so he asked me to go back on Lexapro. I started to cry, because I was scared. Remember, a few months ago Dr. Sean had me go on Lexapro and I thought I had seratonin syndrome from taking too many meds together? I just started worrying that this would happen again. I told the new doctor this and he talked with me about seratonin syndrome and how rare it is and how even the meds I am on would not cause it. He said if I started to worry or feel weird I could call his nurse, and he introduced me to her before I left so she would know who I was. So anyways, I have been taking the Lexapro since friday and already I feel better. I feel hopeful. BTW my new dr's name is Steenblock but I will just call him Dr. S.

I have dental work looming this afternoon. Last night I had two nightmares about it. Well, a nightmare within a nightmare. Like in the movie inception. I dream like that alot. Like, I will have a dream, and "wake up" into another dream. It's funky. Anyways, I am really dreading my dental appointment. I hope this new dentist is nice. I hope I dont have a panic attack and end up bawling my eyes out in front of everyone. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Ed-wise things are ok. A few weeks ago I was feeling really great about my recovery and was even going to write a huge post about it, full of hope and insight and wisdom blah blah blah. Then I ran into a rough patch with my anxiety and for some reason it triggered alot of ED thoughts. Not behaviors, just thoughts about restricting and losing weight. And it made me wonder, am I really as recovered as I thought I was? I guess the fact that I didnt do any restricting or purging says something. But it seems that sometimes when I am struggling with other things in my life, the ED thoughts pop up like an old security blanket. Just when I thought they were gone, there they are. I guess that's probably normal though. I mean, it was my way of coping for years. I still feel good about where I am in my recovery, but some of the "rah rah go fight win" has been sucked out of me. And that's ok. I'll get it back.

XOLisa

remedial

I haven't really felt like posting lately, mostly because things have been kind of falling apart here. I continue to have health-related anxiety. There was a day last week that I was convinced that I had a brain tumor and was quite upset about it. Before that it was liver disease. But even on the days when I'm not freaking out about my health I have a kind of dread, a feelinglike it's not going to last. I spend all my "sane time" waiting for the other shoe to drop. It sucks.

I'm just having a hard time with things in general. I'm exhausted and stressed and the littlest things are causing me to burst into tears. I feel like I am losing control of my life. I am afraid to face my responsibilities. I just want to hide all day in my room with the internet or tv.

My husband told me the other day that he is afraid I am going to be in the hospital soon (YES PLEASE TAKE ME AWAY!). I tried to reassure him. The only way I would go into the hospital is if I felt like I was in danger of hurting myself. I don't feel like hurting myself right now. What I am dealing with is extreme anxiety. If there was some treatment or medicine that I thought the hospital could provide that would help then I would go there. But there isn't, so there would be really no point for me to be hospitalised right now. It would just be a waste of time. Does that make sense? I mean, as awful as my little "freak-outs" and "melt-downs" are, they are not dangerous

EXCEPT........

the toll it takes on my family. the black cloud that settles on the house when I am having a bad day. the worry in my girls' faces when they see mommy cry.
I have to get it together.

My therapist said I might benefit from remedial services. That is when someone visits with you in your home and help you with problem solving and stress management and managing your life. It's kind of like a combination of psychology and occupational therapy. I think I am going to give it a try. I know that I have an anxiey disorder, but I'm sure there are ways I can structure my day and manage things to minimize the stressors in my life that worsen my condition. Even something as simple as putting things back where they belong so I'm not running around the house crying and yelling "where is my white cami it was just right here it's gone where is it". Something as simple as that could make a big difference helping me cope with parts of my day that are particularly stressful (ie getting dressed). Duh. Seems simple enough. I'm 32 years old, I should know how to "be a grownup". But really, I spent the first half of my adulthood in and out of hospitals, care facilities, and homeless shelters. The crash course in adulthood that I got when I became a mom and got married seemed to do the trick for awhile, but the girls are getting older and my husband is now in school fulltime and things are changing and I just feel like I am in over my head. I need help.

So I found a remedial specialist I feel good about (except he's a guy, which makes me a bit uncomfortable about meeting in my home. my sense of propriety and all). His name is Kim, (Kim is also my therapist's name, confusing) and he knows my therapist. He's not with any of those agencies that contract heavily with DHS. I had a bad experience with one of those (strengths-based, my ass!).

I will be a few weeks before we are set up. I guess we'll see how it goes.

just a short update

I am ok. This weekend I was dealing with family/marital issues which sucked. But we got through it.

I took Emma on a mother/daughter overnight camp on Friday and we had SO MUCH FUN! I will do a post on that, with pictures, hopefully soon.

I have been really struggling with the health anxiety lately. Monday night I was up late, convinced I had a brain tumor and/or some heart problem that I cant remember how to spell. I was crying and scared and at times I felt like I was really losing it. My poor husband stayed up late with me until I finally calmed down and could sleep. He is being more understanding about this lately. I think he realizes now that it really is "real" in my head and has been more sympathetic.

My body image is in the crapper right now. When I am depressed I lose my appetite, and when I am anxious I tend to overeat. So guess which one is going on right now? Fortunately I don't have a scale, but all my clothes are tight. Even my skin feels tight. And it doesn't help that it is the week before my period. Oh well. I'm sure I will fall into a depression soon and it will all even out. How's that for positive thinking?

Well I will leave you with this lovely photo. If you were driving down south 5th street or Duff avenue last Wed afternoon, you might have seen Annie and I squatting at the edge of this puddle behind the bowling alley, nets in hand, staring at the muddy water, and wondered what the hell we were doing. We were waiting for the frogs to pop back up. I discovered that there were a bunch of frogs living here earlier in the day when I was walking to the bank. And if I see a frog, I just cant leave it alone. It's a sickness or something. So we got our nets and went over there. After about 45 minuted we came home covered with mud, but successful. We got 2 frogs. We just played with them and showed them to our neighbors/landlord/anyone who was outside. That night I was just going to let them go in our back yard, but the girls got upset and worried that they would get eaten by a snake or something. So I drove the frogs (in my pajamas) back home to their puddle and let them go.

Anyways, I had alot of fun catching those frogs because I like to find animals and nature where you wouldn't expect it, like the parking lot behind the bowling alley.

Well thats about it. Have a nice day and thanks for reading!

oh good.

I blogged last july in a post entitled "well hello there" about my anxiety concerning my physical health. BTW if anyone knows the secret to posting a link to previous posts, let me in on it ok? Anyways, this was a fairly new form for my anxiety to take and it was really stressing me out. Then the flood happened and all that followed that and I guess I was too busy worrying about other things because I really didnt obsess any more about my heath or physical symptoms for awhile. Unfortunately this past week it has started up again, and has been particularly bad over the weekend. And I have to confess that I have been visiting my old friend, Web MD. Bad, Lisa, bad! In the past two days I have diagnosed myself with a bowel obstruction (which may be caused by a cancerous tumor), an aortic dissection, and DVT (deep vein thrombosis). Ok in reality I'm pretty sure I just had indigestion and a sore leg. It even seems a little humorous to me now but seriously when it is happeneing it is not funny! Like for instance when I thought my bowel was obstructed I was thinking I would need emergency surgery and I might not make it through the weekend, and if I did I might have to deal with having bowel cancer. I was grief stricken thinking of having to tell my girls that they would have to grow up without me and sad to know I would not be here to see them graduate or get married. I was scared, I prayed, I resigned myself to death, and then panicked and got scared all over again. It was like going through the stages of death and dying all at once! Its hard to because I go through it all alone. I don't tell my husband that much about it anymore because he just rolls his eyes. I don't blame him; he probably got tired of my worries which to an outsider seem ridiculous. So anyways, I usually just search through online information, which I probably shouldn't do since it always scares me. I did call the Nurseline yesterday, which is something I try not to do, since it gets charted and a report is sent to Dr. Sean. If I called the Nurseline everytime I have a concern he would get all these reports, and then he would probably never take me seriously again. But I AM proud of myself that I didnt go to the ER last night. The Web MD site was telling me that a bowel obstruction was a medical emergency and I had all the symptoms and I REALLY was scared and want to go in, but I just talked to myself and said "Lisa, it's just going to be like all the other times you went in and nothing was wrong with you and the staff was annoyed and you were embarassed.". So I stayed home, I was so stressed out that I ate some pizza and gumdrops that I wasn't even hungry for. Not the best choice if I really had an obstruction. Luckily I discovered this morning that my bowel wasn't obstructed (not going to go into details but I think you all know what I mean!). But then in church I found a sore spot in my leg and I started thinking I had DVT and I started to panic and had a hard time focusing on the sermon. But I made it home ok and my leg feels better now.

Ok, seriously, as long as I am on this earth and have a body I am going to have physical sensations and discomforts. How can I manage if everytime I feel a twinge it sends me on a rollercoaster of fear and despair? Is this the "new thing" now, now that my ED is mostly under control. Let me explain my history briefly: I started therapy at 11-12 years old because I was having horrible panic attacks which mostly centered around me whole-heartedly believing my mother was dead whenever she went somewhere. I would cry, scream, go crazy with grief, sometimes be so upset I would vomit. Then she would come home and I would cling to her and cry, so happy she was alive. This was exhausting for me and my family. My mom never felt like she could go anywhere. I would sit in school all day worrying about if my mom had plans to go anywhere that evening. Prior to her going anywhere, I was in my "logical state" and I knew that the evening would end with her coming home safely. I just dreaded the panic that would take over once she left. And of course, once I was in the middle of it, no logical reasoning, not pointing out past examples, could bring me out of the terror I was in and make me believe she was safe and alive.
So anyway, when I was 13 I had about 6 months where I developed anorexia, and the panic disorder seemed to leave a suddenly as it started. But under the direction of my therapist and psychiatrist, I discontinued the ED behavior (I was still a good little girl). That was when I developed OCD. Checking to make sure everything in the house was unplugged and the stove and furnace were off before I could sleep (and getting up to check again and again). Turning around to go back home to make sure the house wasn't on fire. And one that is kind of funny : I could never sleep with underwear on because I was convinced that somehow the underwear would work its way up around my neck and strangle me as I slept :). Anyways, this went on until I was around 16-17, when I again developed anorexia and then a year later, bulimia. and It has been the ED ever since. A year and a half ago I tackled the anorexia on my own (not in a hospital) and have maintained a healthy weight since then. And the past 6 months have seen a decrease and finally an end to the purging. I still have poor body image, and I have some ed thoughts, but this is the most recovered I have ever been. I'm finally starting to feel normal.

And now this.

Just to clarify, I didn't one day say "oh I think I'll stop the OCD and become anorexic now" or switch between anxiety symptoms on purpose or anything like that. In fact, I didn't even notice in happening until my mid 20's when I realised that durring periods of ED recovery my anxiety was worse. Then I looked back and discovered the pattern.
My personal theory is that I used my ED to control my anxiety without realizing it. For some reason, engaging in ED behaviors had a calming effect on me, and when I was not in my ED I felt anxious and out of control.

It's discouraging to realize that I might always have to deal with my anxiety disorder. Some forms of anxiety I can handle better than others. This "health anxiety" though, its awful. It really, really sucks. It is almost as bad as thinking my mom is dead. I think the worst part is "knowing" my girls will have to lose their mom and thinking about them. I said "knowing" because when I am going through it, it really is that real.

Ok I have gone on long enough. If you have made it this far, congratulations. Actually if you have made it this far, thank you, because it means I am not alone. I'm really not sure what the point of this post was. It just kind of took on a life of its own. I think I meant to ask advice, before I got sidetracked on my history and stuff. I think I went off about my history so you would understand what I meant by "the new thing".

Have any of you ever obsessed about your health to the point where you were convinced you were dying? Was there anything that helped?

XOLisa

life grinds on...

I have been pretty bad at posting lately...guess I just haven't had much to say. I have been going through some worse-than-usual depression and anxiety and have just sort of been holding everything together. My motivation for recovery is pretty low right now, and it seems like everything hurts, but I keep soldiering on.

I have been feeling a bit lonely and isolated lately. I love everyone here in the blogging community, and the support I have recieved here has been wonderful. But sometimes I just want to pick up the phone and talk to someone. So the other day I went to a NAMI meeting, which is something I have been meaning to do for a long time. It was ok I guess. It just felt really good to be around people who understand me and I can be myself around. I think I will go back.

I am glad Cammy and I Hate To Weight are posting again...I missed you guys!

crazytown

I was reading Sairs' blog this morning and saw the picture of Indian food and I just had to have some!!!!! I wanted to go out for Indian so bad today but I am trying to save money so I decided to pull out my Indian cookbooks and make some myself. I made green chutney, Balti butter chicken, and tri-color pulao and it was SO good! I would like to cook Indian food more often but it is alot of work and I am lazy.

I do feel kind of bad right now, because after the meal I got really full and anxious and ended up purging, which is something I haven't done in almost two months. I am trying not to beat myself up over it. After all, I am still doing waaay better than I was even a few months ago. My body image just really sucks right now! It is so bad that I was even thinking about laxatives and diuretics today. But no, I wouldn't do that. I just feel so, I don't know, puffy. Sigh.

Last night I was sitting on the couch watching tv and I started to feel something weird in my abdomen that I swear felt just like a baby kicking! I started to worry that I was pregnant and then it was REAL and I just KNEW I was pregnant! I mean, that would explain everything: the heartburn, having to pee all the time, irregular period. I started to feel sick to my stomache, thinking about the baby and not being ready for another baby and worrying about the meds I'm taking. I had Chris go out and get me a pregnancy test (poor guy) and guess what, I'm not pregnant.

I don't know what the deal is with this anxiety lately. It's like it has hijacked my brain and I just am not living in reality.

My therapist did have a cancellation on the 30th so I will not have to wait so long to see her afterall, which is good.

I have a bit of a family reunion this weekend which is causing me some stress, but I don't feel up to blogging about that now. Maybe later.

why I hate the pool

We got a family pass to the new aquatic center. It has waterslides, fountains, a zero-depth play area, and a lazy river. The girls are super psyched. Me, not so much. Here's why:

1. I have to wear a swimsuit. 'Nuff said.

2. At some point durring a trip to the pool, I will be either too cold or too hot. Not being the "right temperature" makes me anxious. I can't stand it.

3. I hate getting splashed! I can't stand the feeling of water hitting my skin. It makes me feel like I am being attacked and I get anxious. This is why I hate showers, but baths are ok.
There are usually alot of kids at the pool, and I end up getting splashed.

4. I get panicky in crowded places, and the pool is usually crowded. I can't stop looking at all the other people and worrying about if they are looking at me. Logically I know they aren't but I still worry about it.

Hmm, I guess that about covers it. Oh, also when I saw Dr. Sean yesterday he mentioned that he saw me at the pool, which makes me feel even more paranoid, especially since he saw me but I didn't see him.

But we did shell out for the pass, and the girls have a really great time there, so I guess I will have to suck it up.

When we were leaving the pool after our first time there, the girls were all excited and talking about their favorite parts and they asked me "mom, what was your favorite part?" and I said "the part where we left" and they just groaned. I am such a party pooper.

this bites

ok, so I think I have found the cure for my thrift store addiction: body lice.

But seriously, I have been getting bites all over my body for the past 3 days. At first I susspected bedbugs or something like that in the couch, but I have also been getting the bites when I am in the kitchen and even when I am out of the house. I haven't been in any seedy motels lately, the only way I think they would have gotten into the house would be some clothes I got at the Goodwill. I have looked and looked but haven't seen any offending insects or anything like that. Which leads me to believe that they might not be bites but in fact may be hives.

Some of the "bites" do look like hives, in that they are irregularly shaped, and also when I have scratched my skin it gets raised and itchy. It reminds me alot of the unexplained hives I had when I was pregnant.

Of course, it could be a combination. I could be being bitten by something, and also having hives in reaction to it. I don't know. It sucks. I go back and forth between thinking that its bedbugs and we are going to have to replace our matresses and furniture (which we cant afford), and thinking I have some autoimmune disease and I'm going to die.

And here's the best part: because of my anxiety disorder, sometimes when I start to itch I imagine that I am going into anaphylactic shock and am dying, then I have a panic attack, which feels like shock (throat closes up, head goes numb and floats away from my body), and is utterly terrifying. This happened today while I was in the shower. I started to itch and then I imagined that I was having a life threatening reaction to my Oil of Olay body wash, and I started panicking and the first thing I thought was "oh no, I'm home alone with Annie and I'm going to die right here in this shower!". Obviously I did not die but the experience certainly sucked.

So I am an itchy nervous wreck and I don't know whether to call a doctor or an exterminator.

Oh, tomorrow is my first appointment with the new psychiatrist. Hope it goes well.

I'm off to take some Benadryl. 'Night.

not going to put a title on this one....

....beacause I cant think of anything positive to say. No way to put a happy, peppy spin on the huge pile of crap this day has been. Well, here it is.

Was paralyzed by anxiety almost from the moment I got up, yet determined not to start the day out with a Xanax. Puttered around the house a bit, tried to clean things up and get ready for my day. I had an appointment with Dr Sean this afternoon, and my husband was going to come, and I was looking forward to all of the input. I was thinking it was going to be sort of a "where do we go from here" type of meeting. Oh, btw, my skype with the psychiatrist that was supposed to happen yesterday was cancelled because my insurance wouldnt cover it. SO Sean's still my main man.

One idea I had that I wanted to propose is doing iop at the local hospital. I called and got information about it and it seems pretty doable. Plus I think I have care for annie all arranged, and I would be home by the time Emma got home from school. Its actually only 3 hours 3 days a week, so I wouldnt even be away from annie too long. And if i had therapy on tues and thurs, that would be some form of treatment every day.

SO anyways, I was going to propose all this to the doctor, but his nurse called and told me he had a family emergency and had to leave for the day. UGH. I got rescheduled for tomorrow, but chris cant come too because he has class. And I really wanted chris to be there. Bolth to witness that I am being good with the xanax, and also to be a part of my treatment planning. Damnit.

Well, it is what it is. I did get an appointment with Kim tonight because I feel I am losing it. To get from here to there, I am just going to try to do one thing at a time. Finish this blog.make an early dinner. Do a little housekeeping. Like in the group home, when they told you it was therapy, but it was actually chores. Sweeping the floor, cleaning the toilet. You had to mark it off on a chart that said LBD (learning by doing). Can you believe that crap!? Never again will i be in a place like that. Thats why I am working so hard to keep it together, and reaching out for the help I know I need.

well, here's a bit of good news

So I am feeling a little better today. This morning I was counting my Ativan and i realized that I didn't take a third one on thursday. I just counted wrong or something. So that was a huge relief, and I feel like I am taking the meds responsibly.
I saw Dr. S at the saturday clinic for my vitamin b shot and mentioned to him that the Ativan wasn't working that well so he gave me a weeks worth of Xanax and he wants my husband to come in with me to my appointment next week, just to get his view of how I am handling the benzos. I feel good about this and I am glad I have my husband and my doctor's support. My meds are all still locked up, and I am totally ok with that, especially with having benzo's in the house and all.

I feel so fragile right now but will do just about anything not to have to go to the psych ward. I am just trying to take things one day at a time. Thanks so much for all your support!

April Fool's day part II, and Le Whiff

Ok, I have to confess that I didn't think up the idea for the fake eggs on my own. I found it online. But I still count myself creative, in the sense that i am willing to try out new ideas and add new ways to have fun with my kids.

I saw Dr. Sean today and nearly had a panic attack in his office. I have been so depressed, and something that happens with me is that once I am in a prolonged state of depression I get this secondary anxiety. Sort of a fight or flight response to the constant emotional pain. Except I can fight it and I cant flee, so my anxiety just keeps rising and I start doing things like crying suddenly, jumping at noises, swearing, ect. Basically I am a beast to live with right now. My poor husband. I went to bed last night at 8 just to put him out of his misery.
So anyways, I saw the doctor and he wants me to get DAILY shots of B12 for a week, than weekly for a month. He also really wanted me to consider adding ANOTHER antipsychotic, since he is wondering if this might be fallout to me going off the seroquel in january. And, the good doctor doled out *7* doses of ativan to get me through this week! And you know I ripped open the pharmacy bag with my teeth as soon as I got in the car. Yes, I am currently feeling much better than I have in weeks. I am determined not to abuse them. But how can you abuse 7 pills, anyways? I guess that was the point of the abbreviated dose.

SO, I go in for a shot tomorrow, one sat, then again mon and all week. I am going to have B12 coming out my ears (or my kidneys).

I am struggling with restricting, but I don't really feel like getting into that right now. Maybe if I start to feel better, that will take care of itself.

Oh I almost forgot-Le Whiff! It's this new product that comes in an inhaler and apparently with the coffee flavor you get about as much caffiene as a shot of espresso. You just inhale it. I'm torn. Part of me thinks this could be bad for me. But the caffiene junkie in me is REALLY REALLY excited and wants to click on over to the website and order some! Hmm, what to do, what to do.

ugh

I am Fat. I am deppressed. I stayed in the shower for an obscenely long time this morning because I didn't want this day to start. I am filled with anxiety. I binged and purged this morning. I really hate myself right now. I want to lose weight. I want to feel better.

Help.

decision

ok, so this one is alot aboout food. so if you think that this is going to bother you then dont read it. I just dont want to trigger or upset anyone. Ok, so here is the deal. i am pretty much purging everything i eat. Even so called safe foods like fat free chips or raw caulifluaer. Everytime i sit doun to a meal or snack i get this anxious and deeply weary feeling because i know what is going to happev next. I feel like noourishing myself is juust this minefielld and i dont feel safe and dont know which way to go. I am completely out of control and it scares me. I AM SO TIRED OF THROWING UP! I cant f-ing stand it. i have been trying the small meals tthroughout the day but that hasnt been working. It has just resulted in me purging more times thruoghout the day.
So here is the plan that i came up with last night. Supplements, and supplements only. No "food". I look at supplements in a different way then i look at food. I look at them kind of like as medicine. I have never thrown up a supplement. I think this could work for me. All i know is, i need a break from all the purging and the anxiety that is going on right now. The whole what to eat, what not to eat, is this safe, will i throw this up. Its driving me over the edge. Whith suplements there is nothing to decide, you drink one, youre done and you go on about your day. i dont know how long i will be on the supplements. My therapist suggested 2 weeks. obviously the idea is not to be on them forever. When i am feeling ready i will transittion back to regular food. Its just that right now my emotional state is so fragile and ED is doing such a number on me that i want to take back some of the control and feel a litle saner and calmer. I hope everyone can suppoort me in this step or at least see where im coming from but if you have concerns that is ok too. i know it must seem a little drastic. And who knows, maybe tommorrow ill break down and have a hamburger. you never know. this is just something id like to try, because right now i feel like im runnung out of options. Love and peace to all!

hmm, havent posted for awhile cause i have been really stressed out. Things with Zlatko have quieted down and for now i am just keeping an eye on the situation. I had considered taking him to court to change the visitation schedule, but just the thought of it stressed me out so bad that i abandoned the idea. For now.
I have been thinking about taking a break from therapy but have decided to keep going for now. Mostly this is because my husband was somewhat alarmed at tthe thought of me not being in therapy cause i am not doing so hot right now. but the thing is, i think therapy is making things worse. let me explain. Cory is an AMAZING therapist, the best i ever had. We are getting deeper into things that i have never explored before, and i am being more honest and open about my thought proccesses theen i have ever been. While this is ultimately a good thing, It causes me TONS of anxiety. For example, in our last session, i told Cory one of my secrets; a belief that i hold that is one of the things that keeps me sick. It felt right at the time, to reveal it, but later i began to be filled with anxiety and guilt and fear. i felt like i had exposed part of myself and i felt so vulnerable and unprotected. It terrified me. That night i severely restricted my food and spent the rest of the evening curled up in bed experiencing extreme anxiety. I woke up feeling bacically the same way. then i began to have thhoughts of cutting, something that i have not done on years. I felt panicked, i didnt know what to do. I had to find some way to express my emotions, to get them under control. Fortunately, i made a good choice. I decided to make a collage about how i was feeling. it sound childish, but it was actually very theraputic and helped me to focus on something. So anyway, im getting braver and taking risks in therapy, wich is good, but it seems to be making my anxiety and ed symptoms worse. On a more positive note, this was the first puke-free thanksgiving for me in about 12 years. Yay! Sorry if my posts are getting negative and whiny; im just having a bit of a struggle right now. Despite all this, though, i AM getting into the christmas spirit. I wish i knew how to post pictures. our apartment is all christmas-y and our tree is beautiful. I love this time of year!