Wednesday, December 8, 2010

look, another anxiety post!

I don't think that I mentioned this, but after I saw my new Psych doc and he put me on Lexapro my anxiety really improved. I went about 2 weeks without any health-related anxiety (ok I should start calling it hypochondriasis. That's what the doc said it was, but technically he didn't diagnose me with it, because it is secondary to my generalised anxiety disorder/ocd, or some crap like that). I did have that anxiety with the mag citrate, but that was more like anxiety about anxiety, and when I actually drank the stuff I did ok. And there was a similar incident at the dentist 2 weeks ago over some novacaine. But other than that I have been doing ok.

This past week the hypochondriasis is returning. It was triggered by several nights of having night sweats (ewww, gross). I started having this feeling of dread because I know that night sweats are a sign of cancer. I resisted googling it until two days ago, when I finally broke down and got on Web MD, where I learned that night sweats are a symptom of non-hodgkins lymphoma. So I was reading the other symptoms and one of them was abdominal pain/feeling of fullness, and I started to panic, because I totally have that. So then I started thinking I had NH lymphoma. But I was able to calm myself down by reading the other symptoms, which I dont have. But last night I started feeling nauseated for no reason, which made me think brain tumor....and the beat goes on......

I am feeling ok today (except my tooth hurts, the filling the dentist put in last week is "high". Its ok I'll just have him adjust it when I go back next week for my THIRD round of dental work in a month). But the "cloud" is back. Fearing the next wave of anxiety is like living under a cloud. I never know when the next attack will happen and so even when I feel normal I don't trust it. I so back to see Dr. S next week and I can share all this with him and hopefull he will increase the Lexapro and It will work.

Sigh how I really miss Xanax sometimes. I know I overused it and it was a bad thing for me and ultimately made my anxiety worse and getting off it was hell. But some days (LOTS of days) I think "I really just want to take a pill to make this all go away for a few hours. Just a few hours of respite. that's all I ask".

Gosh I have lots more thoughts, about my eating disorder recovery and my kids and Christmas ect. But this post is already kind of long. Maybe I should post more often.



Lisa said...

I'm so glad you that you had that 2 weeks of anxiety free moments!! That's really great. I'm sorry that it's coming back, but KNOW that you can have anxiety free times :)

I def over-use my xanax as's hard not to when anxiety is at an all time high...

You can make it. Hang in there :)


I Hate to Weight said...

anxiety is the worst. well, maybe depression is the worst. they both suck, suck, suck.

i used to always shake and had lots of panic attacks. they are much less frequent now, and i'm beginning to learn that i can get thru the anxiety and that it will pass.

you are where you are. you feel how you feel. and your doing a great job managing everything.

kudos to you! it's not easy.

kristin said...

I'm glad that things got better for a little bit. Hopefully with the next med adjustment things can go back to being better.

You are a strong person to know your limits and yourself and avoid Xanax. That's awesome.

Hang in there, Lisa!

Zena said...

Lets take out anxietys and beat it in the ass, I too as you know have severe anxiety, not about my own wellness but that of my darling, I think they have everything and anything, even though they are perfectly healthy. On the note of overuseing your med ( the one you want:) would there be a way that your pdoc or T could give you a certain amount per week, so you have it and yet still be safe, My T gives me my meds 2xs a week mainly because I wasnt safe but secondarily because I would use way to many clonipin ( not safe) just a thought, like haveing your cake and eating it too ( sorry food analogy:)

wishing you some peace

Love, Tara

Telstaar said...

Hey hun,

Ohhh don't you hate it when your brain goes into overload and tries to find out what is "really" wrong. I know I have had periods of doing that. I think sometimes, especially with the CFS we feel so crap (and that can impact on the emotional realm) that we are SURE there is something more happening.

Hang in there,

Love you
Miss you