Monday, September 28, 2009


Guess what awesome ness happened to me today?!

I took Annie to playpals and was just sitting there when a mom came in who I knew kind of because I had met her last week at playpals. She came over and sat by me and we started chatting, and she invited me and Annie over to her place for lunch!
So we went over there and had a really nice time. There was another mom there too and her son and the kids played and we just hung out. I was kind of nervous about lunch (tuna melts!) but I had mine without cheese and I think I passed myself off as normal :)! Anyways, she gave me her number and we will probably do something again sometime. She even talked about having my family for dinner some night or something.

Guys, this is huge! I am not someone who easily makes friends, and it's extra hard to meet people since I dont work or go to school. Pretty much the only people I know in my new town are from church, and you know how that is going. So I am really pleased with myself that I have the ability to make a friend. That just enlarges my world SO MUCH! She is really neat, too. She lived in Scotland for a few years and just moved back. She just has a really lively and fun personality. I guess I will call her "M" so I can stop saying "she".

I feel especially happy that this happened today of all days because I have a huge zit. Ok that makes no sense. Let me explain. I have this HUGE ZIT that wont go away. It is ruining my whole face and I was so discouraged this morning that I didn't even want to do the whole foundation-blush-eyeshadow-eyeliner-mascara thing. I just figured whats the point of going to all that work. nothing is going to cover this zit. So I just put a dab of concealor on and a little mascara and that was it. Then I got worried that no one at playpals would talk to me because I am just too ugly without all my makeup on. Well, I thought, this will be kind of like an experiment. We'll see what happens. Sooo...not only did M talk to me, she invited me over! She must not judge people on appearance, which makes her even cooler.

So far, today has been an awesome day!

One thing that is not awesome, though, is that I turned on my furnace today for the first time this season and it STINKS! You know, that smell a furnace makes when It hasn't been used in a long time. It's giving me a huge headache. Ugh.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Hello and goodnight!

Well I'm just hanging out in a rare moment to myself. Chris took the girls to the park; isn't that nice of him? I cuddled with Baby for a little bit. In case you forgot , Baby is my new bunny. He's growing on me and yes, I'm glad I got him. He's an adorable little fuzzball and petting him is very theraputic.
Hmm, what else is new.

I am making more changes in my religious life that I think will enable me to become more who God wants me to be. It is difficult, but I find that I am braver than I ever thought possible.

As usual, I am still struggling with my ED. I am maintaining my weight ok. Actually, I keep losing the same 5 pounds and then gaining it back, which is probably not that great for my metabolism. I know its not good for my recovery. And, I cant seem to stop purging. But I did eat a healthy dinner tonight and keep it down. I have small victories here and there. What I lack is consistency. I'm still seeing the same therapist but I am starting to wonder if it is going to work out with her. I'm not sure she really "gets me". She keeps telling me how "strong I am " and how "I just need to believe in myself". As if it were that easy. Did she sleep through my history? She doesn't seem to get that I am severely messed up! Hello, social security? I do this for a living, lady!

Ok, that last bit sounded bad. I was mostly joking. I recieve social security because I am too sick to work. I did not get sick so I could recieve benefits. Believe me, I would much rather be healthy and together and working and fulfilling my potential and all that other stuff. This is not how I thought my life would be.

On that cheery note I have to go cause Chris and the girls just got home. See ya!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

"pupit" show!

The other day when Emma wass home sick from school the girls treated me to a puppet show.
It was priceless!

Just wanted to share these pictures with you all. Hope you have a great day!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

um, yeah, I bought this rabbit...

Who knows what the heck I was thinking! Yesterday I was all hopped up on caffiene and in a semi-manic state and decided I must have a bunny. Something to love, to cuddle with, something cute. You know, since I cant have a baby due to my over-medicatedness.
Well, the feeling wore off at about 6:00 last night and now I'm like "gee, there's a rabbit in my living room". It's like someone hijacked my brain for a few hours and I woke up with this bunny.
To be fair, the bunny is really cute. He loves to sit in my lap and cuddle. I named him Baby.
When Emma got home from school and saw him, she flipped. The girls both really like him. I guess I can make the best of it.

Friday, September 18, 2009

I gave it my all....

...and i think I did good! Today was Emma's 8th birthday. As I said in my last post, we celebrated it yesterday, because today I had to take her to her dad's house in Waterloo. Everything yesterday went really well. I even conquered the buffet with no ED involved. Still, I wanted today to be a special day for her.

I let her have toaster strudels for breakfast, which are her favorite, but I usually don't buy them. I sent her to school with cupcakes for her class. In her lunchbag I put a cute birthday card and a charm necklace to suprise her.

hen i had an idea to get her hair curled at the salon. When she got home from school I told her about it and she did not want to do it. See, she has had some pretty bad experiences with me trying to curl her hair. One time I accidently burned her ear (just a little). but I told her that the ladies at the salon were proffessionals who knew what they were doing and it would be fun. She still didn't want to do it, but I dragged her to the salon anyway because I knew she would like having stylish hair once it was done.

So she got in the salon chair and was making her "whiny noises" and looked really unhappy. I had a bad feeling for a little bit that maybe I had made the wrong decision and I was ruining her birthday. But once the stylist turned the chair so Emma could see in the mirror what she was doing, she perked up a bit. Her hair turned out so cute! When we left the salon, Emma had a little spring in her step and a smile on her face. We got in the car to go to Waterloo, but we had to make a stop at a gas station, and Emma said "mom, do you think if anybody sees me, they will wonder if I am a super star or something?"! It was priceless!

I try to teach my girls that the most important beauty is whats inside. But Emma is kind of an akward duck, and her hair is usually a frizzy mess, and i just don't get the feeling that she feels that great about her looks. It was just so nice to see her walk with confidence and feel extra special!
The whole drive to Waterloo we listened to her Hannah Montana cd (the whole thing 3 times) and Emma just rocked out. She was so excited to show her dad her hair and kept wondering what he would say. When we got there her dad made a big fuss over her and I was really glad. He was taking her shopping for her birthday presents and it looked loke they were really going to have a good time.
So as I drove home, I really felt satisfied in my heart that Emma had had a good birthday. I love her so much.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Happy birthday to Emma!

Today I am have cleaned the house, done the laundry, baked a cake, blown up balloons, wrapped presents, shopped, and taken Annie to Playpals! Phew! I am so excited because today we are celebrating Emma's birthday! Her actual birthday is tommorrow, but we are celebrating it today since I have to take her to Waterloo to her dad's tomorrow. I can't believe my little girl is 8!
When she gets home from school we are going to Build-a-Bear in Des Moines to fulfill her birthday dreams (overpriced stuffed animal that dresses better than I do). Oh, and yesterday she got her other big present, a white's treefrog. Google them, they are adorable!

Then we are going to het favorite restaurant. the King buffet. Isn't that funny, my daughter would rather go to a chinese buffet than McDonalds!? I think she likes to serve herself and she likes the choices. And they have sushi, which she loves. I am trying not to freak over the prospect facing the buffet. i dont want to overeat, but I also don't want to pay 9.95 for some lettuce. I think I will just try to be picky and mindful and relaxed. Yeah.

Then we will come home and open presents and have cake. Emma only has a few presents, because the set-up for the frog got kind of expensive ($20 for a fake log?) and so is the Build-a-Bear. Monetarily, we did kind of go over the usual birthday limit. I hope she isn't dissappointed. There are a few things on her list that she is not getting. I figure her dad will get her whatever she wants anyway, so it's all good. I gave up trying to compete with him when she turned 1 and he bought her a Powerwheel.

Also, I am ina fairly good mood today and am on an even keel. I was worried because yesterday I woke up very anxious, had a horrible and unresolved therapy session, and barely made it through the rest of the day without a total meltdown. But I woke up feeling better and, despite all I had to do today, really paced myself. I even had books due at the library today and was going to take Annie there for storytime, but after playpals and shopping and with the upcoming trip to desmoines and out to eat, decided to just call and renew the books over the phone and just skip story time in favor of some down time. I think it was a really healthy choice. I usually try to do too much and then end up exhausted and overwhelmed. I'm learning to trouble shoot and plan ahead.

I really like playpals! Annie just plays with the other kids and toys in the gym, and I sit and chat with the moms. I have been really outgoing and I think its safe to say that if I see the same people there again I can call them my friends. Maybe eventually I will give out my number for playdates. I also learned about this thing called Giggles and Grins, where you drop your child off for an hour and they have kind of like a little preschool. It was fairly inexpensive so I signed Annie uup. That way I can have some me-time, and she can get some more socialization. I am pretty happy about it.

Well chris just got home and Emma should be here pretty soon. Have a great day everybody!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

not handling the stress

Hmmm, don't much know what to say today.

Well, I have been restricting again. The extra weight I gained kind of freaked me out and I snapped back into my old way of doing things. It sucks though because I KNOW that I know better than this. Like NIN said in her blog, I know that losing weight will not help my body image. Even at my thinnest, I will still feel fat.

I think there is more going on then just discomfort over the extra weight. Like for instance, my spiritual struggle and not feeling really spiritually grounded right now. Well, actually I feel pretty good spiritually, just not religiously, if that makes any sense. And I'm worried that if I leave the churchc, I will lose my whole support system and My family will fall apart and my world will disinigrate. So yes, there is some pressure there.
Also, I am really worried about my husband. He is waaay stressed out with school, has tons of homework, and seems to be getting deppressed. I worry about him all the time.
And as for me, I am pretty socially isolated right now. Yesterday I had a panic/too much caffiene/not enough food attack and felt horrible and shaky and I was alone with the girls and really really just wanted someone to come over and be with me. I did call my wonderful mother-in-law and talked to her and sipped oj for awhile until I felt better. And she called me back 2 times just to check on me. I am cutting WAY back on the soda. I mean, it's ridiculous that I take all these meds for anxiety, while I tank up on caffiene all day! I just love caffiene, though. When i have some it makes me feel really good! Like, my head gets all tingly and stuff. The problem is, I want more of the "good feeling" and overdo it and then I just get really anxious. But today so far I have just had 20oz of soda and that will BE IT!

But anyway, back to what I was saying. I think that other stress in my life has led to my restricting as a way to cope. It's not all about the weight. It's how I feel safe. I know, weird. Feeling safe by doing something that will kill me.

Well, I never claimed to be sane!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

extinction, religion, and other stuff

Ok, once again I am watching something I shouldn't be watching. It's this show in discovery channel about the top 10 ways humans could go extinct. Nuclear war, asteriod impact, plague, you name it. It is totally freaking me out and I may make a food storage run tomorrow. My food storage shelves are totally full, but maybe I can fit some under the beds or in the hall. Then we wouldn't have to leave the house for ahwile in case of a pandemic. I don't know how to prepare for an asteroid, though. i'm pretty sure I'd burn up along with all my canned beans.

Ok, on to something else.

I mentioned in a recent post that I am having some struggles with my church. Since then, I have regretted talking about it on my blog, and just now realize why. I mean, I talk about all kinds of personal stuff on my blog, and mostly have felt good about it. But my religion and spirituality is different somehow. It is not merely personal, it is sacred. Although I am struggling with this every day, i don't think i will be talking about it much here in the future. I may mention it from time to time, but not go into details.

We went to the Blank Park Zoo in Des Moines yesterday. It was kind of lame a zoos go, but some parts were cool. They had some pretty sweet jellyfish. I am trying to figure out how to get pictures from my phone onto the computer so i can put up some pics of some of the fun things we have done this summer.

I have only been on the buspar since thursday, but have seen a huge improvement in my anxiety level. I have to take it 3 times a day. I feel like I am popping pills all day long. Morning, noon, dinner time, nighttime. But its worth it to feel sane again.

I am still preoccupied with how much i weighed at my doctor's office, and am struggling with those ridiculous ED thoughts. You know, the ones that say "you must lose X pounds by you follow up in 3 weeks so he will take you seriously". But thats total bs. The reality is, I wasnt underweight, yet he did take me seriously. So all evidence points to me not needing to lose weight. Aparrently ED hasn't gotten the memo.

Well, thats about it for now. Take it easy :)

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Dr appt, part 2

Can I just say: BEST DR APPOINTMENT EVER! Seriously, Dr Sean is awesome! He totally listened to everything I had to say and took me seriously and seemed really concerned about helping me. And I didn't even have to be underweight to warrant his attention! For reals, we talked for almost an hour, going over my history and meds and symptoms and all.
Even though he is a family doctor, Dr Sean seems alot more knowledgable then alot of psychiatrists I have seen. I feel totally comfortable about him handling my meds. At one point he started talking about wanting my records from University hospitals, but I had to but the stop on that. I explained that they hate me there as much as I hate them, so anything they wrote about me is probably evil lies. Actually, Corey, my old therapist, let me read the discharge summary thay they sent to him, and it was full of crap. They claimed I was purging in treatment which was bs. The thing was, I stopped gaining weight and they couldn't explain it and wouldnt take my word for it that I was not purging. They took away all my priviledges and everything. It was horrible. but I digress...

I just don't want Dr Sean to think I am naughty and uncompliant (hate that word). Anyway, he was agreeable to not getting the files from university hospitals so it's all good.
The only thing that was a little iffy is that somehow I came away from the appointment with a new med. Buspar. In addition to the other four that I was hoping to taper off so I can eventually have another baby. I guess it's ok though. I mean, my anxiety has been a little out of control lately. And its not for forever.
Well, I have to go make dinner. Hope you all had a good day.

dr appt

this is just a short post because I don't have alot of time. I have to leave for my appointment with my new doctor pretty soon. I am pretty nervous abouut it. Andof all the silly things that are bothering me, worrying that he'll think I'm fat is currently number one. I HATE being weighed at the doctor's office. Their scale always says I weigh more than I do at home. I hope he doesn't say something dumb like "you dont look like you have an eating disorder"! That would be the worst. My therapist did fax him a short intro to me though so that should help.

We met with Emma's new therapist and she seems really sharp. I have to meet with her alone next week so we can talke about things related to our family that are not appropriate to talk about with Emma. She wants to do a genogram, which sounds vaguely familiar, but I cant remember what it is exactly.

Well I will update after my appointment.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

oh, my Emma

Well, i have decided to put Emma, my 7 year old, back in therapy. It makes me sad to do it, but I am at a loss as to how to handle her anxiety and must defer to those who know what they are doing.

Last night Emma came home from her dad's house late, so I got her to bed pretty much right away. She started to itch her skin and couldn't stop. When she was little she had some mild eczema, but hasn't had it for a long time. And she isn't itchy all day, just at night. Anyway, she could not stop itching, even after i put lotion on her skin. She began to cry and really get hysterical and at one point she said "it's like the world is ending" which sounded kind of dramatic but if you were there you could see that she was really feeling that way. My heart just went out to her. I remember having panic attacks when I was a kid and feeling like it was the end of the world. i never wanted this for my daughter!

I called the pediatrician today to discuss the itchy skin and since there was no rash they didn't really want to see her. They said to use hydrocortizone cream on her skin 3 times a day for 3 days and see if that helped. But it seems like alot of ot is psychological. She just gets so worked up and the more upset she gets, the more she itches. The other thing she does sometimes at night is uncontrolable movements. She cant sleep at night because she cant stop stretching and contracting her fingers (tiger-claw style) and moving her legs. She says she cant stop and gets really frustrated about it and starts to cry, which just makes it worse. The only thing that has helped is if I sit with her and give her a backscratch to help her relax until she is sleepy enough to go to sleep. I did this last night when she was itchy, too.

I feel so helpless as her mother that she is experiencing these things. I want more than anything for her to be a happy, normal little girl. I don't want her to grow up with the identity of being mentally ill, which can sometimes happen when therapy starts at a young age. And please God, I do not want her to be put on psych meds!

But, I have to get her the help that she needs. And i'm hoping that if I include enough other things in her life, she will be well-rounded and not feel like the only thing that is special about her is her mental ilness (like I did when I was a kid). I have signed her up for art lessons at the local art center, and am always looking for ways to get us involved in fun community things as a family.

The therapist I found for her is in a practice that includes psychiatrist, therapists, and a nutritionist. They specialize in children and seem to look at the whole child to try to help find solutions. It really was the best place I could find. Her first appointment is tommorrow.

Because of the stress I kind of fell apart this morning and purged several times. But then I had a healthy lunch and am trying to salvage the day. I know that I have to be healthy if I want to raise healthy children. I want to havee another baby some day and I can't do that if I am purging (well I could but it wouldn't be the healthiest choice). But lately I've been kind of down thinking "how can you think about having another child when you already have one in therapy? You've already screwed up one blah blah blah". But I know really a large part of it is genetic and it's not my fault. At least that's what I'm trying to tell myself.

Monday, September 7, 2009

I hate my internet provider!

this is the first time my computer has been connected to the internet in like 4 days and I don't know how ling it will last so I am typing fast. So basically,

I am doing much better ed-wise. I have been eating more intuitively and giving myself permission to eat and not purge, which has resulred in some addirional weight gain above and beyond what I gained earlier this summer. needless to say this has resulted in alot of body image anxiety, so i quit weighing myself every day. I am really enjoying the freedom that comes with not having to know my weight and battle with my body constantly. Yes, i am worried I will "let myself go", but really, I am tired of living in the ED prison and if I get a little bit chubby well, so be it. But realisticly when i think of what my weight is I know that I am not chubby and am perfectly normal for my height, so I don't even have to worry.

Food, weight, blah blah blah...what else is going on...
My sister came up to visit, along with my neice and my sister's boyfriend. They spent the night and I had the best time I had with my sister in a long time. It was really great. We grilled out and watched napoleon dynamite cause her boyfriend had never seen it.
We went home to waterloo and spent the night with my in-laws on friday and i opened up to my mother in law about some problems I'm having with the LDS church and how I'm thinking about leaving the church. I know I haven't mentioned that before. i know that some poeple that read this are LDS and I didn't want to offend anyone. It's just some doubts I have been having for a really long time and I can no longer push them out of my mind. I desperately want to do what the Lord wants me to do and I have been reading the Bible and praying about what I should do. Anyway, I told my mother in law, and guess what? She told me she would always love and accept me whether I was Mormon or not! It felt really validating and just good to hear that. I also talked with my Bishop yesterday (hes the leader of my Mormon congregation in Ames) and he is AWESOME! Even though I still have the same feelings about the church, I truly believe that he is a man of God. It was good to just get some of those feelings out and not feel like he was judging me. Even though I'm sure he wants me to stay in the church, i felt like I had his love and support nomatter what I do.
It would be just such a life changing thing if I left the church. It's hard to explain to non-members, how the church is just the center of your life. It's the glue that holds your life together. What would I do without it? But I must follow what I know in my heart is true, even if it is scarry.
I have so much to talk to my therapist about and she is on vacation this week! Grrr! Therapists should not get time off! Ever!
Well that is about it for now. I will try to catch up on everyones blogs while I have a chance!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

living through it

Well, where do I begin. Today was a rough one.

Therapy was ok, if your idea of "ok" is spending an hour sobbing in a puddle of your own guilt and shame. No, really, it was kind of a relief to get it all out. Basically, 2 years ago I did something extremely stupid that had really horrible consequences and nearly destroyed my life. Fortunately none of the consequences were permanent and things are pretty much back together, but I have alot of feelings about the incident that I haven't dealt with. So I am going to start doing that.

I am trying to keep my head above water ED-wise. I have been eating ok, but there has been some purging. But I am maintaining my weight and fighting every day the best I can.
I was reflecting on how many good reasons I have to relapse right now.

reason #1. Dealing with the past in therapy-ROUGH!

#2. Chris is overwhelmed with school and even when he is home he is always doing homework. I am like a single mom and the stress is getting to me.

#3. Having spiritual difficulties. Actually, i'm doing ok spiritually. It's religion I'm having a hard time with. Don't really want to say any more about that. But its a biggie.

#4. Oh did I mention that Annie has had hives for 4 days in a row. My new hobby is checking her back and tummy for "polka dots". And vaccuuming and dusting every day. So far it's nothing severe, but if it keeps up or gets bad we may have to move.

#5. Drama continuing with Emmas dad.

#6. I still can't taste food because of the nasty sinus thing going on. I'm basically forcing myself to eat right now.

#7. My mom has a new lump, in her arm.

Overall I think I am handling everything quite well. There were a few scarry moments today when I was really stressed out and the hand sanitizer gel in my kitchen was looking pretty good. In my alcoholic days I drank A LOT of hand sanitizer, because I couldn't deal with the guilt and stigma of buying "real" alcohol. You might ask why I keep hand sanitizer around, and I didnt for a really long time and just started buying it again for flu season, and plus I hadn't felt like drinking any for a long time. But after tonight I may rethink that. I also don't have body spray or perfume because I used to drink it by the bottle. Eww, I know. Just thinking about it gives me the sick shivers. Crazy, the things we do when we are desperate.

Ok, I had better list some positive things RIGHT NOW!

We have a sweet minivan that was free!
I have the most beautiful girls ever!
I bought myself a GIGANTIC pot of mums today that make me smile every time I see them!
We are currently loaded cause chris just got his student loan check!
I have all my teeth. Wait, I have most of my teeth!

Um, i will try to think of some more. Sorry I am getting behind on everyone's blogs. I don't have as much internet time now that I am on my own here at home, and we have also been having some problems with our internet. I am reading but haven't always commented promptly. But I care deeply about you all! Please stick with me!

pre-therapy post

ok, so I am really trying to psych myself up for therapy today. I am just sooo nervous, because today we are supposed to talk about something that is really hard for me to talk about. But my therapist thinks it's really important for us to talk about it so she can know how to help me get past all the feelings that are associated with it. I'm just worried about what she will think about me. That she wont like me any more, or something like that.
Ugh, I wish it was over.
I will try to update tonight.