Well, where do I begin. Today was a rough one.
Therapy was ok, if your idea of "ok" is spending an hour sobbing in a puddle of your own guilt and shame. No, really, it was kind of a relief to get it all out. Basically, 2 years ago I did something extremely stupid that had really horrible consequences and nearly destroyed my life. Fortunately none of the consequences were permanent and things are pretty much back together, but I have alot of feelings about the incident that I haven't dealt with. So I am going to start doing that.
I am trying to keep my head above water ED-wise. I have been eating ok, but there has been some purging. But I am maintaining my weight and fighting every day the best I can.
I was reflecting on how many good reasons I have to relapse right now.
reason #1. Dealing with the past in therapy-ROUGH!
#2. Chris is overwhelmed with school and even when he is home he is always doing homework. I am like a single mom and the stress is getting to me.
#3. Having spiritual difficulties. Actually, i'm doing ok spiritually. It's religion I'm having a hard time with. Don't really want to say any more about that. But its a biggie.
#4. Oh did I mention that Annie has had hives for 4 days in a row. My new hobby is checking her back and tummy for "polka dots". And vaccuuming and dusting every day. So far it's nothing severe, but if it keeps up or gets bad we may have to move.
#5. Drama continuing with Emmas dad.
#6. I still can't taste food because of the nasty sinus thing going on. I'm basically forcing myself to eat right now.
#7. My mom has a new lump, in her arm.
Overall I think I am handling everything quite well. There were a few scarry moments today when I was really stressed out and the hand sanitizer gel in my kitchen was looking pretty good. In my alcoholic days I drank A LOT of hand sanitizer, because I couldn't deal with the guilt and stigma of buying "real" alcohol. You might ask why I keep hand sanitizer around, and I didnt for a really long time and just started buying it again for flu season, and plus I hadn't felt like drinking any for a long time. But after tonight I may rethink that. I also don't have body spray or perfume because I used to drink it by the bottle. Eww, I know. Just thinking about it gives me the sick shivers. Crazy, the things we do when we are desperate.
Ok, I had better list some positive things RIGHT NOW!
We have a sweet minivan that was free!
I have the most beautiful girls ever!
I bought myself a GIGANTIC pot of mums today that make me smile every time I see them!
We are currently loaded cause chris just got his student loan check!
I have all my teeth. Wait, I have most of my teeth!
Um, i will try to think of some more. Sorry I am getting behind on everyone's blogs. I don't have as much internet time now that I am on my own here at home, and we have also been having some problems with our internet. I am reading but haven't always commented promptly. But I care deeply about you all! Please stick with me!
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago