Wednesday, September 2, 2009

living through it

Well, where do I begin. Today was a rough one.

Therapy was ok, if your idea of "ok" is spending an hour sobbing in a puddle of your own guilt and shame. No, really, it was kind of a relief to get it all out. Basically, 2 years ago I did something extremely stupid that had really horrible consequences and nearly destroyed my life. Fortunately none of the consequences were permanent and things are pretty much back together, but I have alot of feelings about the incident that I haven't dealt with. So I am going to start doing that.

I am trying to keep my head above water ED-wise. I have been eating ok, but there has been some purging. But I am maintaining my weight and fighting every day the best I can.
I was reflecting on how many good reasons I have to relapse right now.

reason #1. Dealing with the past in therapy-ROUGH!

#2. Chris is overwhelmed with school and even when he is home he is always doing homework. I am like a single mom and the stress is getting to me.

#3. Having spiritual difficulties. Actually, i'm doing ok spiritually. It's religion I'm having a hard time with. Don't really want to say any more about that. But its a biggie.

#4. Oh did I mention that Annie has had hives for 4 days in a row. My new hobby is checking her back and tummy for "polka dots". And vaccuuming and dusting every day. So far it's nothing severe, but if it keeps up or gets bad we may have to move.

#5. Drama continuing with Emmas dad.

#6. I still can't taste food because of the nasty sinus thing going on. I'm basically forcing myself to eat right now.

#7. My mom has a new lump, in her arm.

Overall I think I am handling everything quite well. There were a few scarry moments today when I was really stressed out and the hand sanitizer gel in my kitchen was looking pretty good. In my alcoholic days I drank A LOT of hand sanitizer, because I couldn't deal with the guilt and stigma of buying "real" alcohol. You might ask why I keep hand sanitizer around, and I didnt for a really long time and just started buying it again for flu season, and plus I hadn't felt like drinking any for a long time. But after tonight I may rethink that. I also don't have body spray or perfume because I used to drink it by the bottle. Eww, I know. Just thinking about it gives me the sick shivers. Crazy, the things we do when we are desperate.

Ok, I had better list some positive things RIGHT NOW!

We have a sweet minivan that was free!
I have the most beautiful girls ever!
I bought myself a GIGANTIC pot of mums today that make me smile every time I see them!
We are currently loaded cause chris just got his student loan check!
I have all my teeth. Wait, I have most of my teeth!

Um, i will try to think of some more. Sorry I am getting behind on everyone's blogs. I don't have as much internet time now that I am on my own here at home, and we have also been having some problems with our internet. I am reading but haven't always commented promptly. But I care deeply about you all! Please stick with me!


Ending the Deception said...

Therapy can always shake up things, and in the long run it will help, even if now you might feel avoiding it will work.

You are definately handling things well, and like you I've not been promptly responding to others posts like I want to be, but we do our best, right? XO! said...

I'm proud of you for talking about your past. I know lots of circumstantial things are rough right now and you are keeping your head above water. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and focusing on the positive things. You are a strong, amazing, adult woman.

Zena said...


I too have been a bad blogger...just catching up this internet was down and your was down too...just wondering did NOT having the internet make you more present in your real life...I dont know...sometimes a blogging break even if its only only for a day can be good to get you thinking....stay strong Lisa, you can do this, Im sorry Therapy was rough but it WILL make you stronger in the end...remember I am thinking about you, knowing you can handle anything life throws at you!!

As for the Annie hive situtaion...have you tried benadryl yet...Zack has asthma and really bad allergies and sometimes, it not whats in the house but soemtimes what they touched outside of the house...maybe annies to little for benadryl..I cant remember...maybe they have baby benadryl, try a allergy med before you pick up and move again, dont jump the gun yet...take her to the doc first maybe they can give you something...and the connect the dot game will be over...

love you,

Eating Alone said...

Please try and stop the purging. Maybe put up picture's of your kids around the bowl. I don't know how to help with that one sorry. But I'll be praying for you.

Religion stinks. But God is not religion remember that. Religion is man's way of controling God. So just concentrate on what you like.

Please just think of the kid's and know that you are doing good. Have some fun and try and accept yourself. Your the only you you get.

brie said...

oh honey hang in there. you can do it!

I Hate to Weight said...

your life is really full.

i used to drink and drug. i stay away from any teases

yeah, i'd probably ixnay the hand sanitizer. it's not one of life's necessities...

you're really insightful and self-aware -- very strong attributes!

Lisa said...

It's really brave of you to talk about what you've been through. And I think you're really brave just to be functioning when so much is going on. Keep your chin up, you can make it!