Tuesday, September 15, 2009

not handling the stress

Hmmm, don't much know what to say today.

Well, I have been restricting again. The extra weight I gained kind of freaked me out and I snapped back into my old way of doing things. It sucks though because I KNOW that I know better than this. Like NIN said in her blog, I know that losing weight will not help my body image. Even at my thinnest, I will still feel fat.

I think there is more going on then just discomfort over the extra weight. Like for instance, my spiritual struggle and not feeling really spiritually grounded right now. Well, actually I feel pretty good spiritually, just not religiously, if that makes any sense. And I'm worried that if I leave the churchc, I will lose my whole support system and My family will fall apart and my world will disinigrate. So yes, there is some pressure there.
Also, I am really worried about my husband. He is waaay stressed out with school, has tons of homework, and seems to be getting deppressed. I worry about him all the time.
And as for me, I am pretty socially isolated right now. Yesterday I had a panic/too much caffiene/not enough food attack and felt horrible and shaky and I was alone with the girls and really really just wanted someone to come over and be with me. I did call my wonderful mother-in-law and talked to her and sipped oj for awhile until I felt better. And she called me back 2 times just to check on me. I am cutting WAY back on the soda. I mean, it's ridiculous that I take all these meds for anxiety, while I tank up on caffiene all day! I just love caffiene, though. When i have some it makes me feel really good! Like, my head gets all tingly and stuff. The problem is, I want more of the "good feeling" and overdo it and then I just get really anxious. But today so far I have just had 20oz of soda and that will BE IT!

But anyway, back to what I was saying. I think that other stress in my life has led to my restricting as a way to cope. It's not all about the weight. It's how I feel safe. I know, weird. Feeling safe by doing something that will kill me.

Well, I never claimed to be sane!


Eating Alone said...

Your right it's not about the weight. For me it's control. I can control what I put in my mouth. It's a coping mechanism.

That's all well and good except I don't control it. ED controls it. I scream that I need more calories. I know that I need more calories but I can't eat them.

Reach out and get some help! If nothing else think of your husband, he need's our help. Can you help him if your starving yourself?

Lisa said...

Your hubs just started this new school/work arrangement, correct? As someone who just started a new school/work arrangement herself, I can relate that I've had two panic attackes and I've cried nearly every night in the past ten and that finally, today, I do not feel like crying. So it DOES get better, and it will get better for him.

Drink hot tea! It still has caffeine, but you can't chug it like pop. Yes, it's called pop. I'm from the Midwest.

Keely said...

Oh man. That sounds so hard. I am so glad you're going to a relief society activity tonight. Maybe you will meet a new friend!

I know your religiousness is also a stressor, but no matter what choice you make, your family will love you and still be there, your mother law rocks!, and of course, I'll be here too.

It sounds like your having some tough times in the ED dept. Even if you slip, you can always go back to your healthful eating. What really helped me was acknowledging that I was having a tough time emotionally and telling someone about it (rather than trying to show it through food or weight.) That really made or broke my recovery. I want people to know I'm struggling and just be heard.

You can call me anytime! And I love talking to Annie the other day. Such a cute. It reminded me of the time when this one nursing home by my house was pretending to be Mr/Mrs. Claus and I told them that I've been a good girl and what I wanted for christmas.

I will put build-a-bear on the list for annie... :)

now.is.now said...

It's so tempting to turn to restricting in times of worry, stress, pressure, isolation. This is a hard situation and nothing can magically fix it. In fact, this isn't really a situation that has a particular solution. The solution you need has more to do with attitudes and beliefs. Belief that your family will love you always. Belief that your ability to listen and hug Chris is enough. Belief that you are a strong adult, a wonderful friend/mother/wife/daughter. A belief that life ebbs and flows and you happen to be in an ebb, but later you'll be in a flow. A calm, logical attitude. Maybe try to take on the persona of "strong, healthy, jubilant woman" .. Maybe pretending to see yourself that way will help. You are strong, after all. Believe in yourself. Realize you can calmly handle all kinds of life situations. Don't stay a little sick so that you don't have to handle this part of life. Instead, imagine yourself as that strong, capable, adult that you are and play that role. I don't know if that his helpful or not. I just know for me believing in myself and "playing the part" until I feel the part always keeps me stronger and more grounded.

Cammy said...

You have been through hella upheaval over the past two months, and during times like this it is very easy to be tempted into retreating to the "comfort" of old behaviors.

It is good that you realize when things are slipping and are able to identify causes, this is an important step. Caffeine can really play games with your anxiety levels, too, but remember it results in the same pattern as weight loss or any other addictive behavior over time: having more won't necessarily make you satisfied, it will just make you more dependent. I won't pretend that I never resort to it for an energy boost, but it's definitely a good idea to try to limit it as much as possible. I consumed an INSANE amount of it during high school, and then went cold turkey, and thought I was dying. But after I was "detoxed" I noticed that I actually had more energy than before, because I wasn't always teetering on the edge of withdrawal.

As for the religious issues, I know this can be a very difficult type of decision to make, but I think that you should deserve respect from your family and friends for actually contemplating and analyzing your spirituality enough to make changes according to your needs.

Hang in there, I know things are tough, but remember that you are indeed loved and that things will work out as long as you take care of yourself.