Hmmm, don't much know what to say today.
Well, I have been restricting again. The extra weight I gained kind of freaked me out and I snapped back into my old way of doing things. It sucks though because I KNOW that I know better than this. Like NIN said in her blog, I know that losing weight will not help my body image. Even at my thinnest, I will still feel fat.
I think there is more going on then just discomfort over the extra weight. Like for instance, my spiritual struggle and not feeling really spiritually grounded right now. Well, actually I feel pretty good spiritually, just not religiously, if that makes any sense. And I'm worried that if I leave the churchc, I will lose my whole support system and My family will fall apart and my world will disinigrate. So yes, there is some pressure there.
Also, I am really worried about my husband. He is waaay stressed out with school, has tons of homework, and seems to be getting deppressed. I worry about him all the time.
And as for me, I am pretty socially isolated right now. Yesterday I had a panic/too much caffiene/not enough food attack and felt horrible and shaky and I was alone with the girls and really really just wanted someone to come over and be with me. I did call my wonderful mother-in-law and talked to her and sipped oj for awhile until I felt better. And she called me back 2 times just to check on me. I am cutting WAY back on the soda. I mean, it's ridiculous that I take all these meds for anxiety, while I tank up on caffiene all day! I just love caffiene, though. When i have some it makes me feel really good! Like, my head gets all tingly and stuff. The problem is, I want more of the "good feeling" and overdo it and then I just get really anxious. But today so far I have just had 20oz of soda and that will BE IT!
But anyway, back to what I was saying. I think that other stress in my life has led to my restricting as a way to cope. It's not all about the weight. It's how I feel safe. I know, weird. Feeling safe by doing something that will kill me.
Well, I never claimed to be sane!
Judgement and Regrets
1 month ago