Wednesday, December 30, 2009

a new day...

I am feeling a little better today. Haven't puked yet so we'll see how things go. I am sticking to mostly safe foods and while that is not ideal for the long term it is helping for now.

I saw Dr. Sean today. Here are the highlights:

1. He is NOT taking me off the seroquel, yet. He said " I'll make you a deal. See you in a month and if you are still doing well I'll start taking you off the seroquel.". Hey- isn't that the deal he made me last month? Anyways.

2. I have gained 2 more pounds.

3. I am NOT a candidate for weight-loss medication. Yes, I asked him.

4. I got more Xanax for my upcoming dental appointments. Specifically, I have a prescription for A SINGLE MG DOSE, with 4 refills, so I never have more than one pill on hand at once. The good doctor knows me well.

5. had my potassium checked. Don't know the results yet.

6. Dr. S. wore a really dorky sweater today. It was semi-endearing.


In other news, we brought my 8 year old niece home from waterloo for an extended sleepover. We are going back to waterloo tomorrow to take Emma to her dad's house. Haveing twp eight year old girls in the house has been kind of crazy, but fun. I am going to take the girls to "fantastic Mr fox" tonight. We went sledding today and that was kind of fun, but cold.

Well that is about it. thank you everyone for your support, i was really touched that you care. i am doing my best to take care of myself and hopefully can turn things around soon
.

Love <3

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

bulimia sux

i hate this! Why can't i get it under control? I threw up four times today. So, not a good day. And i woke up this morning with the best of intentions. Why does it all go to crap the minute I put food in my mouth?
Sigh.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

out of control

Once again, I had a lovely Christmas.

This post is not about Christmas. This post is about my eating disorder, which is out of control. It was never really under control, but things have gotten worse over the holidays. I have been bingeing and purging several times a day for the last week or so. Before that I just binged and purged about once a day every other day or so, or maybe 3 times a week. For me that is pretty good.

I am trying to figure out the increase in bingeing and purging. I think there are several factors at play. For one thing, there has been SO MUCH FOOD around. I do not handle having easy access to to a large variety of snacky or deserty type foods well. I tend to want to taste everything RIGHT NOW!!! Maybe it's from years of restricting, or from being deprived of junk foods as a kid, but I just don't trust that the food will be there later if I want it. When the food is in the house it is all I can think of until it is eaten.

Another thing is, I am not really holding myself accountable for my behaviors right now. I haven't wanted to "be too hard on myself" because after all, "it's the holidays. My ed always gets bad on the holidays, so why fight it.". To be honest though, I wasnt really trying that hard before the holidays, either. Like in therapy. I see the therapist twice a week but we don't usually talk about my ED. We talk about stuff from the past, and my depression, and my relationships with my husband and kids, and stuff like that. All of that is really important, but if I am purging several times a day, I am wondering if we should put the other stuff on hold for a bit to get the ED back in line. part of this is my fault. i need to speak up. I tend to downplay the severity of my ED as long as I am at a healthy weight. It's almost like I am embarrassed to bring it up.

A month or so I got a referral to a dietitian, but my insurance would not cover it. The hospital had a financial aid program, but it would only cover 2 visits. Oh well I thought I'll take what I can get. But when I got the financial aid application I was overwhelmed with it because they wanted all this information and tax returns and bank statements ect ect and I just said "screw it" and didn't do it. I don't know.

I haven't seen my therapist in awhile cause of the holidays but when things get back to normal I will have to address all of this. If anybody has any advice, I would love to hear it.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas!

I hope everyone is having a great Christmas! We sure are!

My day started (unfortunately) at 2:30 in the morning when Emma woke up and came into my room all excited saying "come see! Come see!". She was so excited about her gifts from santa but no way was I going to let her drag the rest of us out of bed at that hour! I made her go back to bed and told her not to get up until at least six. But by then I was wide awake and to be honest I was pretty excited myself! With that, and Emma getting up every 15 minuted to check the time, I doubt I slept more than another hour. But its all good. i'm running off pure Christmas magic (and caffiene) at this point!

I popped in my blazing fire dvd and we opened our stockings and presents. The girls were very pleased with what they got and contrary to my fears they seemed happy and nothing was missing or wanted. My most favorite present was from Emma- a handmade book all about how much she loves me and all that I do for her and how much I mean to her. It made me cry (the good kind)! I will cherish it forever.

Then I set to work on the food. The whole table and all available counter space was covered with appetizers and treats and candies and goodies of all kinds! And that's not even the dinner! I think I went a little overboard and made food for about 40 people. Our friends Jasmine and Thomas and their little ones came over and we snacked and I cooked and we ate and talked and the kids played and we had a wonderful time. And I was very brave and tried the fois gras (sp) that they brought; I must say it was the scariest food imaginable for someone with an ED. It was pretty much pure fat. I was very honored though that they shared it with us, because they got it all the way from France and it is a delicacy to them. Jasmine and Thomas are French and just moved here in Oct. I met her at playpals and we have become quite good friends. I was so glad they could come share Christmas with us!

Well chris took Annie sledding just now and Emma is playing the Wii. I have finished the dishes and am just enjoying some time on the couch. It has been a wonderful day and I must say that my heart is full of joy and love. I hope everyone out there is as blessed as I feel today!

Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

some pictures

This is what happened when I tries to drink hot chocolate straight frrom the thermos while wearing a white coat! I was in the car and had to sit in a puddle of hot chocolate all the way home!
I got it all cleaned out of my coat, though.
This is my Emma. She went to the dentist this morning and had 2 cavities filled! She was so brave and I am very proud of her!
Annie eating a gingerbread cookie. Note the pink icing in her hair. Also note excessive use of decorative gummies on the cookie in the lower left corner of this picture! I think there is cookie under there somewhere! This one was my favorite. Emma made it- note the "angry eyes"

Annie doing a twirl in her pretty Christmas dress....
...and looking sweet by the tree!

And as promised, a picture of my "fireplace". The camera didn't quite capture the flames. In real life it looks more like a flickering fire and less like a firebomb!

If I dont post again, Merry Christmas!





Sunday, December 20, 2009

dizzyness!!!!!

So, we went to Waterloo (crappy iowa town about 1.5 hours from Ames) friday and spent the night at my inlaws (love them!) and guess who forgot her Pristiq? I remembered the other meds, but the pristiq is in sample packs so it is not with my other meds and was left behind. I am taking a really hefty dose of the stuff- 50 mgs more than the highest FDA approved dose- so when I miss a dose I get serious withdrawls. By yesterday afternoon I was soooo dizzy. I had my dose this morning and am still very dizzy and waiting for this to stop! I want to write a good post but typing is really hard when you can't really see the keyboard due to head spinningness!

On another unrelated note, I am kind of down lately because I am feeling like a frumpy old mum and not young or hot or even attractive. I think part of the problem is I am comparing myself to people on facebook. I keep running into people on FB that I went to high school with that still look great and its hard not to get down on myself. I know that true beauty is on the inside, but to be honest I dont really like what is on my inside. I think that is why I have always tried to look my best and hope I could get by on that. Lately i have started to notice aging going on and its hard to keep my chin up.

Ok I am babbling and making no sense cant think or focus.

Still really excited about Christmas! When i am feeling better I will post about all my exciting christmas plans. i am really excited about my menu and would like to post about it but dont want to trigger anyone with food talk. but hey this is my blog anyways so I just might ;)

love you all

Thursday, December 17, 2009

getting back in the spirit

I don't know why, but it seems like I am either ridiculously happy and everything is great, or I am horribly deppressed and the world is ending! Looking back on some of my posts has really helped me see that.
My car breaking and needing really expensive repairs sucks. But that stuff happens. It's hard when you don't have all the money to buy all the things you want for people. But as I look at all of the presents under the tree, I realize we have more than enough and are truly blessed. Not just with material possesions, but we have eachother. We love and are loved. These are the gifts that you can't buy in a store. It's a feeling you cant get from even the best antidepressant. I need to show more appreciation for the things the Lord has given me and spend less time focusing on the things I think I should have.

I'm getting back on the Christmas train toot toot! Ok thats corny but oh well. Tonight we are going to go driving and look at Christmas lights and just take it easy. I am forcing myself to take a small break from goodie making. I have been overdoing it a bit and don't want to get burned out before next week when the REAL cooking starts! Also, i'm not sure my teeth can take much more. I went to the dentist yesterday and got prepped for a new crown and left with a temporary crown, which came un-cemented while I was "trying out" some homemeade lollypops!

Tomorrow is Emma's class party and once again I am in charge but I am not nervous because now I have experience. Also, I planned this one to be a little more low-key than the Haloween one, since the kids will be all riled up in anticipation of Christmas break. We ate going to make picture frame ornaments, have treats, and watch a Christmas movie. And I have some pretty sweet goodie bags for the kids that Emma helped me put together.

Well, that is about it for today. I have a mountain of laundry I need to go tackle and I should probably clean the bathroom. Woohoo!

Oh P.S. I have to tell you about the best thing ever that I got for $2 last week at Walgreens! One of those DVD's that just plays a picture of a fireplace burning! IT IS SO AWESOME! But I am pretty much the only person in the family that appreciates it's cheery glow. My husband thinks it's corny and didn't even think I was serious when I said I was getting it. I think he just doesn't like it because when it is in he can't watch tv. I think that with our vertical-style entertainment center, if you squint your eyes just right, it looks like we have a fireplace. I will just have to post some pics and let you all decide.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

crap day

lost a crown eating home made toffee. Ate more toffee to console myself. Ate candy instead of lunch. purged dinner and ate more candy. Now have a mouth full of sores, unfinished dental work, and crown-less tooth stump thing.

Took the van to the shop and found out it needs $450- 500 dollars worth of work. burst into tears- uncontrollable sobbing in the car as Chris drove around getting estimates and Annie strapped in the car seat said anxiously "its ok mommy dont cry".

Became wailing and hysterical as I could not find a reciept for some presents that I had to take back since we cannot afford them. Sensed imminent psychological meltdown and dosed self with some extra seroquel. Retreated to my room muttering incoherently. Emerged half hour later and curled up on the couch, clutching my stuffed rabbit and listening to religious music.

Responses to my children today swung between complete nonresponsiveness and shouting. Am a horrible mother. Good thing Chris was here.

Fat. Failure. Evil.

Tomorrow morning at 8 I get to take the Xanax and get some dental work done. I think it will be the highlight of the week.

out.

Monday, December 14, 2009

cold monday, warm heart

Well, it is still cold and snowy here (I had to chip ice off my windshield this morning). I am so greatful for my nice, warm apartment!

Not much new has been going on here. I was supposed to have the dentist appointment today and was all set (and quite looking forward ) to pop that Xanax, but they cancelled because the dentist was sick. So I retaliated by making toffee and super-sticky popcorn balls and munching away gleefully. I know, I know, I only hurt myself he he he.....

I am doing well with the food and not restricting which has put me in a better mood.

My mom had a body scan (for cancer) and it came back CLEAN! So that is great!

Overall, things are going pretty well.. Which is good, because I have one therapy appointment and then not again until Jan 4! That is a long time, considering I am a twice a week gal. But I think I will be busy enough with Christmas so it should be fine.

SOOOO EXCITED FOR CHRISTMAS!

Friday, December 11, 2009

gingerbread house 2009!

Dood, there was so much candy! I think we all made ourselves a little sick :)
Chris in charge of the frosting.

Emma building a snowman out of white gumdrops and frosting.

Finished product (note the Santa on the roof- my idea)!


And the other side.

Doing a gingerbread house with the kids is a great excercise for me to learn to let go of my controlling and perfectionistic habits. I have to remind myself that the finished product doesn't have to look like a picture in a magazine. The point is to have fun and be creative! I have to step back and let the girls do their thing.
We had so much fun! Annie keeps asking when we are going to eat it.
Did I mention that I LOVE CHRISTMAS!?

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

thoughts on food and self

As you know I was kind of on-the-fence considering the slimfast. But after doing some thinking I have decided to not diet. This doesn't mean I won't in the future. It just means that right now, I feel like giving myself a chance.

Since today was a snow day I fired up the waffle iron and made breakfast. And I wanted to sit down with Chris and the girls and eat waffles with them, not a shake. When it came time for lunch I made chicken noodle soup (canned but I added more chicken and carrots) and I considered the fact that the soup probably had the same amount of calories as the shake. So why not eat the "real" food. So I did.

As I was working in the kitchen and listening to my girls play and thinking how much I love them and our little family I thought about how I wanted another child some day. I started thinking about how this wouldn't be possible if I wasn't healthy. I just had this feeling too that the feeling in the house is not the same when I'm into my ED. There is not the same feeling of warmth and harmony. I don't know if the rest of the family feels the negativity when I am sick, but I sure do.

Of course, I still HATE my body. Yuck.

I keep going back and forth. I wish I was one of those people who was naturally thin. Then I could be recovered and still love my body. I guess people with naturally perfect bodies are rare (and possibly airbrushed) and I should just try to accept what I have. And be greatful for it.

After all, what I have works. I was able to go out in the deep snow and pull annie around in her sled. And help Emma dig a snowfort. My stomach is not perfectly flat, but my girls don't care. They just care that I am there for them, am not too tired to play. That I'm present and tuned into their world, not just wrapped up in my own.

And my husband always tells me I'm beautiful.

Why am I not good enough for myself?

snow day

Our tiny snowman as seen out the livingroom window. The snow wasn't really great for making snowballs. In the background are my reindeer and santa sleigh!
me and Annie

Emma and Annie in their snowfort.
Emma

Annie

Me and the girls.
Eating the snow!

We got soo much snow; even more than is in these pictures! We had alot of fun indoors too. I will have to post more pictures.
Even Ia state university is closed, so we are all home today.



Monday, December 7, 2009

Dental work FAIL

ok, today has just been the worst and I feel the need to b*tch and moan about it for a bit.

Went to the dentist today for the much anticipated/dreaded cavity fillings that need to get done. One cavity is minor but the other one is so large that the dentist was not sure if it would turn into a root canal rather than a filling. He was going to open up the tooth and see.

So he put a little numbing gel on my gums but the shot of anesthesia still hurt SO BAD! Then i wasn't really getting numb so he had to give me some mor. I cant have novicaine because it messes up my heart and I aready have heart rhythm problems. So I have to have the other stuff but it just doesn't work as well. Anyways, the dentist started to drill my tooth and right away a sharp pain shot through my tooth and face. Obviously I was not numb. The dentist gave me some more shots and was waiting for them to work and then I startd having a minor panic attack. He was like "just breathe" and he stayed with me to make sure I was ok. Did I mention I have the nicest dentist ever? Anyways, I calmed down but still was not numb and he told me that based on my weight (i'm not underweight, they just base the dose on your weight) he could not give me any more anesthesia. Suck.

So I was like "well what are we going to do now?" and he said that once in a while he has a patient that he cannot get numb and they just reschedule the appointment and try again. He also said that my anxiety level probably lowered my pain threshold and made it harder to get numb. He wished he had some nitrous to give me but they don't have that. I said that this was the perfect situation for a Xanax but that I cant take those since I used to be dependent on them. But we decided that I should ask my doctor to give me one Xanax per dental appointment. I mean, I have to get this dental work done! And if all I had was one Xanax and no more there is no way I could abuse it. The problem is hwen I have a full bottle of Xanax and I just take them and take them.

So I have a call into my doctor's office and hopefully he will not think I am drug seeking (well I am in a way) and give me the Xanax. My dentist said that my doctor could call him if he needed to.

So this whole ordeal had pretty much sucked. I had to go through all those painful shots and the anxiety for nothing!!!! Plus I am embarrassed to be such a wuss. I have had 7 root canals and this has never happened to me before!


P.S. I am still going back and forth on the whole slimfast thing. I am tempted to try to let go of the whole diet/weight loss thing for now. For one thing, it's the holidays, and not being able to eat would suck. Also, I am tempted to see if I could learn to love myself and my body. I mean, if I could do it at this weight that would be quite a triumph! So I had the slimfast for breakfast, but for lunch am nibbling on some seasonal foods that I am trying to enjoy with moderation.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

thanks y'all!

wow, I recieved some really good feedback regarding my last post and the whole wanting to diet/slimfast thing! It has really made me think about what i am doing.

I think it is true that I am feeling uncomfortable and out of control and am trying to seize back control through restricting. But as Karo said, I need to remind myself that restricting/anorexia has never brought me anything good in my life. It just keeps me trapped in my eating disorder and I lose more of my life battling this disease that has already cost me so much. And like Now said, maybe this is a good opportunity to learn some self- love. how can I learn to love myself if I keep trying to change to make myself loveable?

Today at worship service we were singing a song about how we are changed through the sacrifice of Jesus and some of the lyrics were "we will never be the same, we will never be the same". I want to feel that way. When I choose my ED, I am just being the same old Lisa. I want to be a new creation in the Lord, and I know He has the power to help me conquer my ED. What stops me from letting Him? Is it lack of faith? Fear? I don't know.

Even though all of these thoughts are going through my head, at this point I still really want to lose weight. But at least I am thinking about it.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

warning- lots of food/calories/weight talk (sorry)!

ok I am freaking out/not happy at all. If anyone has been reading my blog for awhile do you remember when I was seeing a dietitian last spring and decided to gain some weight so I could be healthier? Well, we decided on a number that was within a healthy range but was not too high and wouldn't freak me out too bad. But it was definitaly THE LIMIT for me as far as how high I wanted to go.

Well

I am now 10 POUNDS higher then that weight!!!!!

SO two possibilities come to mind-

1) That weight was too low to be realistic
or
2) i am a gross! "gross" is putting it mildly. I did not write on here all the really nasty things I have been thinking about myself lately.

And the thing is, I dont really eat that much. And, I go to the gym regularly! So, i saw Dr Sean yesterday and talked with him about it and he thinks it is some of my meds causeing the weight gain. Particularly the seroquel and the risperdal. He said that even if I were eating a lower-than-average number of calories, a number that most people would lose on, my body could still possibly gain. This absolutely horrified me! I hate the feeling that I have no control over my body and could not lose weight even if I chose to!

Since i am stable, Dr. S said he wants to see me in 3 weeks and then if I was still doing well he would discuss tapering down on those meds.

In the meantime I have decided to go on slimfast. Dun dun dun. I know, I know, this kind of goes against everything I am trying to be about! And I am thinking about all of my blog posts about being brave, sticking with recovery, accepting my body, taking care of myself, not giving up, ect. I'm just not feeling brave right now. I am feeling miseable. And, I don't think I am giving up on recovery. I just want to lose the extra weight I gained. That's it.

It was alot easier to be brave and feel positive about recovery back when I was at the "acceptable" healthy weight. I guess maybe I don't have what it takes to be recovered "no matter what". As in, I will stay in recovery even if I get heavy. Maybe I dont have what it takes.

I don't know. Let me know what you think (although please try not to be too scathing :) ).

Monday, November 30, 2009

post turkey day

I haven't felt much like writing lately. i guess things are going ok. I have had almost 7 days in a row that i felt stable mentally and emotionaly. So that is good.
I had a pretty good Thanksgiving. Relaxing, despite all the travel. Got to see most of my family.

Body image is at a low right now. i have gained MORE weight (thanksgiving) and am suspicious that I am now overweight. I almost weigh as much as I did when I was discharged from the ED program at UIHC (evil hell). I am really tempted to restrict and lose weight right now.

I had a really spiritual experienca at church yesterday. It is kind of hard to explain. We were taking communion and the pastor had just talked about all that the Savior bore for us on the cross and how he endured all things and there is nothing he can't help us with. As I was having communion I was thinking about my ED and how I really want to just turn it over to God. Part of me is scared to do this (i like to control everything) but part of me was filled with hope and had a glimpse of what it would be like if I let God help me learn to love myself and accept my body. It was a thrilling notion: what if I didn't have to hate myself anymore? What if I could let this all go; what would my life be like? Then of course, part of me got scared. i am kind of like that disciple (I can't remember which one) who was walking on the water towards Jesus and he was doing ok until he took his eyes off the Lord and saw the waves and got scared and started to sink. I feel a thrill of hope, but it is gone as soon as the eating disorder steps in and hisses negativity in my ear. I need to have more faith. oh well, I am a work in progress.

Hmm, what else. I have most of my Christmas shopping done already. I get a little excited about the holidays and tend to dive right in as soon as thanksgiving is over (or in this case even before that). Oh, and Chris and i got up at 3 am on black friday do go shopping! it was a little crazy, but we got some good deals. I usually go black friday shopping by myself, so it was kind of fun to go with Chris.

I am glad that I am not doing the shock treatments. i am really looking forward to just spending some quality time with the family over Christmas break. i am more at peace with the decision not to do the treatments, especially now that my mood is improved.

Well that is about it. I did also want to say that I am still reading everyones blogs but am really struggling to come up with good and thoughtful comments. Like, my brain has been turned off and I feel I have nothing to contribute. hopefully this will pass. but I am still reading and care deeply about you all.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

All around the house

Time to bore you with Christmas pictures. Here are the candy cane cookies and the gingerbread I made. The gingerbread turned out tasting strongly of molasses and the girls didn't like it. i thought it was ok but not my favorite.
These are some cinnamon ornaments I made. They smell so good!

Here is our lovely tree. We can't have a real one in out apartment, but this artificial one is ok.

This is the nativity set we had when i was a kid. My mom gave it to me. The girls love to set it up.

Some peppermint sticks and some tin candleholders that are kind of hard to see in this picture.

My friend Linda gave me this fiber-optic gingerbread house. It changes colors as it glows.

Just a few Christmas things.

Kind of a goofy snowman my mom gave me.
A few more Christmas things and pics of my girls. Aren't they cute?

And the stockings. I made them all except mine, the one on the left.


Ok, ok, I'm done for now.







no shocks for me

well, I drove to Waterloo last night for pretty much nothing. Dr T said he would be really uncomfortable doing the ECT's if he could not follow me afterward. He was also really uncomfortable with me not having a psyhiatrist and just getting my meds from a primary care doc. He had several suggestions for what he thought I should do. He thought I should have Dr. S inrease my Pristiq. I am at the max FDA approved dose, but doctor T said he has several patients taking more.

Dr T said "I'm not saying 'no' to ECT's. I just think you should try this first. If you still want ECT's call me and we'll talk about it.".

Well, I wasn't completely sold on the ECT's in the first place. Chris is the one that really wants me to get them. I guess if the doctor had said "sure lets set them up" I would have done it, but I wasn't about to try to talk him into a treatment that I wasn't sure I wanted. I guess this means i'm not getting them.

So I'm a little relieved, and apprehensive all at once. I was looking at shock treatments as kind of a fall back plan.

Well, the good news is the last 2 days I have been feeling a little better. i've had some moments, but overall the trend has been up.

We decorated our apartment for Christmas today and I must say it looks outstanding! I made candy cane cookies and gingerbread (the cake kind). I love Christmas! i will post some pictures soon.

My therapist asked me if Thanksgiving is hard for me (because of all the food). I don't think it is worse than any other day. I mean, I have to face food every day. Sometimes I have success, and sometimes I turn to ED behaviors. Thanksgiving will be no different. I hope I will do good, and certainly will do my best, but if I end up purging I am not going to beat myself up over it. I'm not going to let that ruin the holiday. I am more excited about being with family and having a nice time.

Hope everybody has a nice Thanksgiving!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

issues

thanks for the support :). I am feeling somewhat better, although shaky. I saw Dr. Sean yesterday and he thinks the increased anxiety/symptoms is due to the deep childhood issues that I am digging up with my therapist. His suggestion was to back off on that stuff until I am more stable. He is concerned that I am not emotionally strong enough to handle tough therapy right now and i could deteriorate to the point that I might need to be hospitalised. He also increased my Buspar, wich isn't really a big deal. I don't think it does anything for me anyway.

So, I already know what my therapist is going to say about all this. She is of the mind that I depend too much on medication and I need to work on these really deep, tough issues if I am going to achieve a full recovery.

The problem is, I agree with both of them.

It strikes me that I should have worked on these things when I was in IP. Like, when I was in a safe environment where it would be ok if therapy left me a weepy mess for the rest of the day because there were no responsibilities or sharp objects. What the hell did i spend my time in IP working on, anyway? Well, in UIHC (evil hell), individual therapy is not part of the program. So you can't really get into much there. I don't really remember what I worked on the 3 months I was at the Center for Change. I think I did some anger work. And then there was the usual "I'm so fat! Weight gain sucks!". What a waste of time. I tell you, if I had another opportunity like that, I would not waste it. Well, I don't think I wasted it. Just didn't take full advantage.

Oh, want to know what my dad said the other day that upset me so bad? Well he called and asked how I was doing and I decided to tell him the truth. Well he cut me off and just went on and on about how I wasn't close to the Lord and that's why I'm having all these problems. How all I need to do is pray and read the word and I will be healed. I told him i do that stuff, but he just laughed it off like I don't have enough faith or I would be healed already. So basically it's my fault I'm sick because I don't have enough faith.
But it's not even that he just told me this. I mean, he went ON and ON for like 30 minutes, whithout me even talking. He usually goes on and on about God like that, which is why I only call him about once a week. I just can't handle it. I just don't want to hear it from him. He drinks and smokes pot daily (he grows it for a living). About a year ago he says this "cross" just appeared to him in his right field of vision and it's some kind of sign or gift from God. He goes on and on about it and how blessed he is blah blah blah. He sees the cross all the time. He thinks he is spiritually superior to just about everybody and if you try to explain to him that you, too, have a relationship with the Lord he kind of scoffs at you like you have no idea what it's REALLY all about. ALso one day while he was reading the book of John he said it just "opened up" and he saw it played out in a vision and it explained all these things about God's plan and the end of the world and he doesn't know why God chose him to witness this but it must be because he is so spiritually in tune or something.
WHen my dad goes on and on about this stuff to me it is like listening to a crazy person talke and I get sick in my stomach. Sometimes I just hold the phine away from my ear because I can't handle it. So you can imagine how it felt to hear him combine his religious fanaticism/delusions with telling me that my suffering was my fault. It sucked.

I feel really bad for writing all that stuff about my dad. Like I am betraying him, or something. Even though I know he will never read this. I just felt like I wanted to get it out.

I hope he never reads this! I don't know how he would, he never uses a computer. I may delete this later. It would really hurt him if he knew I had these thoughts about him.

I'm going to Waterloo to see the ECT doc on mon. Just for an evaluation. My sister in law works with someone who had ECT and said it made her like a new person. I would like to be a new person.

Friday, November 20, 2009

ongoing

ok. lately I feel like my blog is turning into a chronicle of my mental messed-upness. So sorry about that. Today I am afraid it's just going to be more of the same.

I think I really threw something off when I cut back on my meds the other day. I feel a little better since I went back on the full dose, but I'm still not quite right. It's hard to explain. Let me lay out the symptoms:

1. I am extremely agitated.
2. I "startle" at even small noises. Like, the clattering of dishes makes me tense up or run to my room to "take a break".
3. Very sensitive to most stimuli. Even taking showers is hard because the feeling of water hitting my skin sends me into panic.
4. Extreme and inappropriate anger. Feel this rage bubbling under my skin. Am frequently slamming my fist into my thigh or stomping the floor hard with my feet. Sounds childish, but I cant control it.
5. Of course, very depressed. I think I am more depressed because of the other symptoms and how hard it is just to function and get through the day.

I have been spending alot of time in my room (when chris is home to watch the girls) curled up in my bed listening to soothing songs on my ipod and clutching my blankie. Yes, I now have a blankie. Sounds silly, but it actually helps me relax. I guess as long as I dont start taking it out in public it's ok.
I haven't been going to the gym as much lately because all of the stimulus there is just too much. The lights and mirrors and all the people. All the movement. It's a bummer cause I paid through the nose for my membership. i am going to try to go today with Chris. I really am fighting this, I can't let it control/end my life.
Along those lines, I had a minor triumph yesterday. Last week I had met a really nice woman named Jasmine at playpals. She has a little boy who is Annie's age, and a baby boy. She just moved here from France and doesn't really know anyone. I invited her and the kids over for a playdate. So yesterday was the day of the playdate and I woke up feeling very awful. I didn't know how I was going to go through with it and was tempted to cancel. How could I control my anger, my anxiety? That, plus make conversation and be a good hostess. It seemed impossible and I called her up to cancel. But when she answered the phone, I changed my mind and just said that I was calling to make sure she was still coming. So they came over and we had a really nice time.
Ok i intended to write more about that but my dad just called and really upset me so i have to go (room, ipod, blankie). I will probably post again after my doctor's appointment this afternoon.
I love you all thanks for the continued support!!!!!!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

ok, new plan

Still going to go the hard route in therapy, working on the deep issues and stuff.

BUT>>>>

NOT going off my meds, or even cutting back, for now. Today was just a really bad experience and reminded me why I take all these meds in the first place! I was a crazy, unstable ball of emotions, anxiety, inappropriate anger, ect. It was like being on a rollercoaster ride from hell!

The first realization that I came to was that this would be the worst possible time of the year to cut back on meds. I mean, the Xmas season is stressful for everyone, right? And I want to have a really, REALLY nice Xmas. It is my favorite time of the year. And not just for me, but I think my children deserve to have nice memories of fun christmas times, not mom bawling in the corner. So, maybe after christmas, and when I am a little ffurther along in therapy, i might try again to get off some meds. but not now.

That brings up another thing that I thought about today, that Now also touched on. If i am doing really hard work in therapy, I might need the meds to keep me from totally flipping out when things get rough. Maybe going off the meds and doing tough therapy at the same time is too much to bite off.

I'm going to talk to the doctor on friday about some of my experiences I had today on the low dose. I'm kind of wondering if there isn't something else wrong with me besides depression and anxiety.

ok, thats it.

ok, what I'm gonna do instead....

so I decided that going completely off 2 antipychotic medications at the same time was probably not a good idea! So last night I just cut both doses in half. Still, I have alot of anxiety today, so it's a good thing I did not cut them out completely.

Still, I'm feeling really good about this. It was like I was facing down a fork in the road. Down one path, I could cocoon deeper into my world of medications and shock treatment and stay "comfortably numb" and never face my issues. On the other path, the harder one, i could choose to feel. To hurt. To grow up. To face my fears. I guess I am choosing the hard path, but with the hope that it will eventually lead me to a place where I can love myself, thrive, live a full life, ect.

I guess it's kind of like if you had an injury, and you chose to do a course of grueling, painful rehab instead of sitting in a wheelchair popping Lortabs and nursing your injury. Yes, rehab excercises suck, they hurt, and they are time-consuming. But you do them so that in time you can regain full function.

I don't want to live the rest of my life emotionally and psychologically crippled!

So, back to the meds, I am trying to do the responsible thing and just taper off. This totally goes against my all-or-nothing, impulsive personality. But I guess I will have a little more credibility with my doctor if I go in there and tell him I am tapering back, instead of just going off the meds cold turkey. Also, even though I am feeling good about this now, I couldn't shrug off the possibility that I might go into withdrawl and completely crack up and leave my poor husband to pick up the pieces. So all in all I think I made a good choice.

I haven't purged since Saturday. I even went out to eat fot lunch today and had ribs and icecream! I just ate until I was mildly full then stopped. It was really nice. I am working a bit on loving, accepting, and appreciating my body. I have started with my feet. I rub lotion on them, think about how they allow me to get around and excercise, and thank them for all they do for me. I think when I have this down and feel fully accepting of my feet, I will move on to my calves/lower legs. I am definately not ready to confront my stomache yet!

Well, thats about it.

Monday, November 16, 2009

what I'm gonna do

I'm not going to do the ECT's. I may not even go to the appointment next week with the doctor in waterloo who does them. Actually, I had better go, or Chris will be disappointed that I ddn't at least check it out.

I am going to stop taking my Seroquel and Risperidone, starting tonight. I will inform my doctor of this when I see him on fri, but if he doesn't like it, too bad.

I am going to see my therapist twice a week and we are going to work on finding ME. The me underneath the eating disorder, the depression, the mental illness. The me that maybe never was, that I have to create. I just don't think I can do this kind of therapy on such heavy medicatons.

It may be hard, and i'm scared. There are going to be some rough days ahead. But there should be some exciting, wonderful breakthroughs as well, so it will be worth it.

At least thats what I'm banking on.

Friday, November 13, 2009

cheap clothes/expensive haircut

I went to the Salvation Army the other day in search of clothes and got some sweet deal! I got these shirts....
...and these (my husband LOVES 100 grands)....

and these four pairs of jeans for Annie and a hoodie for Emma, plus a belt and some CHristmas things, for $24! I even asked the checkout girl if she got everything and she said yes. I got home and added up the prices of everything and it should have been like $36. I overheard the checkout girl tell someone else that she is the one who prices everything, som maybe she gave me a break! Well, I am super stoked! You might wonder why I am buying tanktops in late fall. I like to wear them over long sleeved white t-shirts. It's sort of my thing.

And here is the new haircut! I looove it (try to ignore my goofy smile)! I can slick it down or wear it in a really cute faux hawk.
I was trying to grow my hair out, but it was just looking really ucky. I'm so glad i had it cut, I feel all young and hip now! Not that long hair isn't young and hip, but if you could have seen MY hair, you would know what I am talking about.

I FEEL SO HAPPY!


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

therapy grinds on

today has been a tough one. Had therapy and just about cried my eyes out the entire time. My therapist was digging into my beliefs underneath the ED and all this self-hatred and self-loathing came out. I never started out liking myself very much, and now I have so much bitter dissappointment in myself. I look at all the years wasted in the eating disorder and what it has reduced me to. I have so much regret. Sometimes when I am dropping my husband of on campus and I see all the students walking around I just feel like such a failure. I see all these young people and wonder how they can do it and I cant. i don't know what it is that makes them better than me or more capable. They just are.
Dealing with the underlying issues is tough. Eventhough I have been in therapy for 19 years, I have spent suprisingly little time working on these things. Most of the time I have been in therapy it has just been managing the day to day crisis that come up. Even when i have been in IP it seems like we just scratch the surface, but there are always more practical things to talk about, like how to avoid relapse and making a treatment plan and stuff like that.
Emma is home from school today and the girls are about driving me crazy! I have them playing with home made playdough right now and it's bought me a little time to myself. Also today we have made some pretty cute turkeys out of brown paper bags and construction paper (for thanksgiving).
I might be in a group therapy study. I'm not sure, I have an assesment next week. If i get in I might get paid some sweet moolah! It is a study about using group therapy to overcome a grudge. I have one specifically that I need to work on, so maybe this will be good for me.

We talked a little bit in therapy about God's role in my recovery. It was difficult to admit, but I don't really talk to Him much about my ED. I mean, I do pray to stop purging. But I can't bring myself to turn it all over to Him. If I said an honest prayer, it would go like this "dear Lord, please help me to stop bingeing and purging. But don't help me with the anorexia, because i'm not ready to give it up. I wish I could trust that You could make me happy at a healthy weight, but I don't. Does that make me a bad person?". That's just where I'm at right now. i can't even fathom what it would take for me to love myself at a healthy weight. Maybe God is the only way I could get there. i just need to find a way to trust and accept the help.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

new addiction

I am absolutely hooked on these things! They are called sugar pears. You can't really tell from the picture, but they are tiny, like the size of a plum or apricot. A bonus is that they look really great in a bowl in the kitchen, kind of like home decor you can eat. They have a really delicious, sweet flavor that is kind of like honey. I am not usually a fruit lover (prefer veggies) but these little guys have won me over! I was also thinking of giving them as christmas gifts, like to Emma's teacher and the postman and the like. I think they would look really festive in a decorative box or a cello bag with a nice bow.
Ok, enough about the pears.

I have not purged since saturday! That's two days in a row! Woot! I am really working hard on this because I just want to be free of it. Head in the toilet is no way to go through life. I am still struggling with the restricting, though. Since the most recent weight gain I am feeling sooo uncomfortable in my body. I want to lose weight really bad. Rationally, I know this will not help me, just keep me stuck, but you know old habits die hard.
I am going to see a dietitian but my insurance won't cover it I can only see het twice. Oh well that's better than nothing I guess. Maybe she can help me get some more structure to my eating. I really would like to eat regularly, if only I knew I wouldn't keep gaining weight. Maybe my metabolism is low from all the years of starving. If this is true, resticting is only going to make it worse.

Today is day four on the increased dose of methylP. I feel really great and am hopeful that we have finally found something that works! I am considering not doing the shock treatments. But I am still keeping the appointment with the doctor, just in case. One thing about the methylP that is problematic is that since it is an amphetamine it suppresses my appetite. I have really noticed it since the dose increase. To be honest a big part of me is pleased about this, but the healthy part of me knows that this is not a good thing. It is just too easy to listen to ED tell me not to eat when I am not even hungry anyway.

Well that is about it for now. Emma is home sick today so we are stuck in the house (except I get to get out later today to go to the dentist-yay!). I think I am going to do some much needed cleaning and packing some things to go to the thrift store.

Here is a collage of positive things that made to cheer myself up! Enjoy!

Have a great day!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

looking up

Today was the best day I have had in a really long time! Actually, yesterday was pretty good, too. The increased dose of methylphenadate has really helped- I feel great and don't have that huge crash in the afternoon.
I went to church this morning and can i just say I LOVE my new church! I really feel like I am being nourished spiritually every time I go. I leave feeling strengthened and invigorated. I used to dread sundays; now they are my favorite day of the week.
After church I went to Barnes&Noble and got the book "Goodbye Ed, Hello Me". It's by the same lady who wrote "Life Without Ed". I am super excited to read it.
Chris and I finished a project we were working on for my mom. Yesterday when we were at the lake I found a piece of driftwood that had been beaver chewed on both ends. I got the idea to stain it and drill some hooks into it and give it to my mom to hang as a coat holder or whatever. My mom really likes beaver chewed wood for some reason and collects it at her cabin. Anyway, Chris helped me drill in the hooks and we finished it today. It turned out really nice and I am super excited to give it to my mom.
Well, that's about it for today. I hope the methylP keeps working because finally i feel happy :)

Friday, November 6, 2009

Motivation

Well, here's the happy couple!
Chris and I actually got to go out on a date last night. We went to the Indai Palace for some yummy curry. Then we went to the mall and then to Old Chicago for desert. Then we stopped for a bit at Borders and just looked around. It was just weird doing all of this without kids! Like, I could just look at whatever book I wanted without having to worry if it was my turn to relieve Chris watching the girls in the kids section.
Kind of sad that the first place I go to in Borders is the psychology/self-help section. Well, we all have our areas of intrest, I guess.
Ayways, I made it through the whole date (and afterward) without purging. So all in all it was a good night.

Well, I got my labs back, and i was disappointed to see that my thyriod is normal. Disappointed, because depression caused by and underactive thyroid is an easy fix. The only thing really of note was that I am mildly anemic (who isn't) and a little low on potassium. Since i continue to purge, Dr Sean wrote a standing order for me to have my potassium checked. So I guess if I am feeling crappy I can go into the clinic without an appointment and have the lab drawn. I have never heard of such a thing, but I guess it is convenient. Dr. S also doubled my methylphenadate. He said that that way it would stay in my system longer and I would not crash so hard in the afternoons. So we'll see how that works.

I got on the scale tonight and discovered that since I have been going to the gym I have gained 5 big ones. I was a bit dismayed (weeping, gnashing of teeth). I don't know. My motivation to stay in recovery (from anorexia, unfortunately I'm still in the bulimia) is wavering. Actually, it kind of wavers from day to day. On the one hand, I am proud of myself for restoring weight on my own. This is the highest weight I have maintained since my illness began. I have weighed more, post-pregnancy and post-treatment, but that was always a transitory weight and I was always on my way down. Right now, I am maintaining a healthy weight for no other reason then that i have decided to really, REALLY try to do this recovery thing.
On the other hand, i absolutely HATE LOATHE ABHOR my body right now and want to go into a coma and wake up when I am thin. So, I go back and forth. Skip lunch, but eat an extra large dinner out of guilt. Skip dinner, but lay awake at night thinking about my actions and eventually get up and have some dry cereal and V8. Back and forth. Usually, health wins out.

I really need to get the purging under control. Shock treatments can effect your elecrolytes, and they don't like to do them if you are purging. I have an upcoming appointment with a dietitian. We'll see in that helps.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

no title

I just wanted to say that I had a really great birthday. I may blog about it later if I feel up to it. Today has not been so good. I don't even know anymore.

Monday, November 2, 2009

hello from Monday

well, we had a pretty good Haloween. I just have to say that there is a ton of candy in our house right now and i am having kind of a hard time with it. Both of our girls did trick or treat and trunk or treat, so they each have 2 full bags of candy. Also yesterday, for reasons that I still don't undrstand, except that maybe it was just such a good deal, I bought 2 HUGE bags of candy that was 50% off. So yeah, we got candy.

I had a REALLY hard time getting out of bed this morning. I just feel this huge sense of dread, like I just don't want to face the day.

Did I mention that I have decided to get the ECT's? Well, I have an appointment to see my old psychiatrist that does them, but it's not until the 23rd. Anyway, when I told Chris he did this little "happy dance". Great. You know things are not going well when your husband gets all excited that you are going to get shock treatments. Ok, reframe : Chris loves me and is worried about me and is probably just happy that i have decided to pursue a treatment that could help me feel better.

Ok, I had better list some positives:

The sun is shining today.
I am going to the gym pretty soon. That always helps me feel better.
I had the urge to binge/purge this morning but didn't do it. Go me!
My therapist is back after a 2 week vacay and I see her today!
My apartment is relatively clean.
I have two of the cutest, sweetest girls ever!

Well, I am startig to feel like I should get out of my pj's and go to the gym.

In case I dont post tomorrow, tomorrow is my birthday! So everyone please send be good birthday vibes :).
Love you all!

Friday, October 30, 2009

gearing up

Today is Emma's haloween class party, and as room parent, I am in charge. I have everything ready. The festivities will include:

pumpkin bowling
pin the stem on the pumpkin
a pumpkin-related craft
snacks

Are you guessing a theme here? It's not actually a haloween party, due to district policy. Its a Fall party. So I picked some different pumpkin-related activities.
I about freaked out last night when I found out that Chris had gotten rid of the empty 2 liter bottles that I had been saving for the pumpkin bowling! But he was a prince and wnt out and bought some cheap sodas that I can empty and use. So that crisis was averted!
Honestly, I am glad just to have made it to this point. Earlier in the week I was afraid I would have to be hospitalised due to severe depression/suicidal thoughts/anxiety/medication problems. But I knew that Emma was counting on me for today! What would that be like if your mom was room parent, in charge of the party, and didn't follow through!? Not only would there be no party (or something lame thrown together at the last minute), but she would probably be really embarrassed and let down. I couldn't do that to her. In a way, i think being responsible for this party saved me this week. It has given me a goal, something to focus on.

so everybody wish me luck with the crazy second graders! I know it will go well but am still nervous because I have never done anything like this. I mean, I have helped out with class parties, but have never been in charge.
I will comment on how it went after.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

fall fun!


Making caramel apples! The girls had so much fun unwrapping the caramels, stirring the melting caramel, dipping the apples, and of course licking the bowl!
Huge pumpkin at Hy-Vee (grocery store). I put in a guess of 918 lbs. but since I havent heard back I dont think I won.

A culinary delight I call "octopus over seaweed". You should have seen the girl's huge grins and heard the giggles when I called them to lunch!

Me and the girls at the LDS church's trunk'r'treat. If you don't know what that is, basically we line all the cars up in the parking lot. Some trunks are decorated. The kids go from trunk to trunk and get candy. It's a nice warm up for Haloween.

Our jack o' lanterns.


I love being a mom, especially this time of year and straight on through to the Christmas season! I love creating fun memories for my kids! It's kind of like living the best parts of my childhood all over again.
When I am really depressed I try not to let it spoil the holidays. I don't want my kids to have bad memories of feel like they missed out because Mommy was sick. I guess my trick is to pace myself. Pick one thing, like making caramel apples, and think of it as a goal. Like "I'm making caramel apples with the girls tonight, so what can I do today in order to feel good enough to make that happen?". It's like a balancing process.
Yesterday was I didn't do such a good job. We had the trunk or treat in the evening, and I knew it, but still I overscheduled the day and ran myself ragged. Part of it is the methylphenidate, and part of it is this feeling that if I just stay busy, I can outrun the depression. Anyway, by the time we had to leave for the event, I was way stressed out. But I did what I could do to turn it around. I let Chris take the girls around, and I stayed at the trunk to pass out candy. Seeing all the excited little kids in their costumes and wishing them all a happy haloween reminded me that this was a happy event. It was just the therapy I needed! So we all had fun and,last night, that was all that mattered.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

diary of a nervous breakdown

Lately I feel like all my posts are so negative. I was wondering if I should post today, cause it's just going to be more of the same. But then I realized hey- this is my blog. It exists for therapeutic purposes. So I need to use it to get things out of my head when I need to. So that is just my little way of warning you all that things are getting pretty intense in my world and I might not be blogging anything light or uplifting for awhile. Except for maybe a few cute pictures I have yet to upload. So check for those in a few days or so.

Ok, so here's the new hell I'm going through: started taking the methylphenidate on Friday and at first I liked it. I had tons of energy and was able to get lots of things done. It wears off around noon, at which time I take another dose and I'm good to go. The trouble starts around 4:00 when that dose wears off. A black cloud settles over me and it literally feels like everything good gets sucked out of the world. I fall into a deep depression for the rest of the evening. This is the worst mood swing I have ever encountered.

Somethings not right with me. I wish i could be one of those depressed people that gets a prescription for paxil and feels better. For some reason, I'm not. I take 6 meds and still feel totally unbalanced, fight near-constant suicidal thoughts, and wake up afraid of the day. I don't know how much my meds help, and how much they are making some things worse. I just don't know anymore. I feel a deep sense of hopelessness that comes with having a chronic illness.


Chris and I talked today and we have decided I should go ahead with the ECT's. I am a little scared, but things have gotten bad enough that I am ready to do just about anything.
Today I am focusing on the things that get me through the day. Planning my daughter's second grade class haloween party. Finishing her costume. Going to the gym. Cleaning the bunny cage.
Going to playpals.
Putting one foot in front of the other. Breathing in and out.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

noooooooo!!!!!

today somebody asked me if i was pregnant.

Friday, October 23, 2009

2nd post of the day; freaking out a bit!!

Ok, so, I am having some major anxiety and need to post again. Lets see if I can gather my thoughts.
Ok, so I had my appointment with Dr Sean today. I had kind of a list of things I wanted to talk to him about and was worried he wasn't going to take me seriously or listen to me (mostly because I'm at a normal weight). Once again he suprised me by being extremely thorough, taking the time to talk with me and listen to me. I asked him about getting my thyroid tested and he agreed that we should do it (one of the symptoms of underactive thyroid is depression and I have alot of the other symptoms too). He also wanted to test my folic acid and vitamin b12 levels because low levels of these can be associated with depression. He also wanted me to start taking these supplements. He is referring me to a dietitian who has experience with ed's so that is good.

So we are having a really good "session", as I come to think of these appointments, and then we come to the quagmire that is my medication regime. He wants me to go up some more on the trazodone wich is ok. Then we start talking about new medications to try and I tell him about my mom, who was depressed as a result of her cancer treatments and got prescribed methylphenidate. AKA Ritalin aka speed. But it really helps people who are depressed get up and get going. Dr S said sure we could give it a try and in my mind I am thinking WOOHOO weightloss here i come (cause it causes weight loss/loss of appetite). but I am also worried about taking it when I exercise and remembering when I took it before I had alot of irregular heartbeats so I asked him about this and he said "well we will give you an EKG first". So I got the ekg and it was normal. So everything is ok, right?

Wrong. I do not feel ok. I feel very, very worried. I am now taking 6 medications for my depression/anxiety. SIX! How did I get to this point?

i have to trust the doctor. I have to trust that he knows what he is doing. Doctors don't want to kill patients. If this was unsafe, he wouldn't have me on all these meds.

But, just to be sure, I got onto this website where you can enter all your medications and it checks for interactions. I HAD 14 INTERACTIONS, 10 SEVERE!!!!

So I am trying not to freak out as I call the pharmacist to ask him about this. He told me that basically all drugs interact on some level. He checked their system for interactions and didn't really find anything. He said that doctors usually prescribe combinations based on experience with other patients.

So I calmed down a bit. But still, I feel a bit like Anna Nicole Smith. Like i could just drop dead from all these meds. Please someone reassure me and tell me I will be ok.

more about the gym and therapy baggage

I Hate To Weight asked me a few questions about my blood pressure and the gym. First thing: the blood pressure. I don't know what it has been running this week. I am going to the see Dr. S this afternoon so it will be taken then and also i can ask him about it. It could have just been high that time because I was nervous about seeing a personal trainer. Also I had some coffee that morning. But there is something that worries me. When i have been doing cardio (treadmill or eliptical) this week I keep getting lightheaded and nauseous. When It gets really bad I stop. No, wait that's not true. I usually still go for the full time I had planned on. But no worries, they have a defibrillator at the gym ;). Anyways, I am glad to be seeing the doctor today so I can ask him about it.
Second question is about what K would think of me joining the gym. I think she will be happy about it. At our last appt we talked about how I need some regular excercise to help out with my mood. And I do not have a history of overexercising. I went through a breif period last year of exercising nearly every day and not eating enough, but that was mostly driven by my relationship with Cory, my old T. He was a former bodybuilder and was always encouraging me to work out. He was like "if you have to be obsessed about something, why not be obsessed about being 'fit' and 'lean'". He used those two words alot. He would also tell me that when he was "reducing" he would only drink two bottles of Naked juice a day! Not the best thing to tell an eating disordered client. He was also very critical of overweight people. One time he told me that the saying "real women have curves" was just a rationalization that fat women use to feel better about themselves, and that runway models have the kind of curves that are attractive. Of course I just sat there agreeing with him because I'm a people pleaser and wanted his approval, but inside I was freaking out thinking "this is inappropriate he is full of it does he think I'm fat do I have supermodel curves!!!". The last straw as something that he said to my husband, but it bothered me so much that I just couldn't see him anymore. Chris was telling Cory about something he did that weekend and he said "it was tons of fun" and Cory said "kind of like a FAT LADY"! I gueaa Cory thought he was being funny but when I heard about it I was pretty uncomfortable. I think that fat jokes are inappropriate in any context, but I really would expect a therapist to be more evolved. So after that I just told him I needed to see someone else. I never had the guts to tell him why, or how much his comments triggered me. But after I switched therapists my overexercising magically disappeared.
Wow, I didn't mean to write so much about Cory. I guess I have alot of baggage there. I trusted him and relied on him to get me through some pretty hard times, and he was a really good therapist. but he ultimately betrayed my trust by his insensitive attitudes about food and weight. To be fair, he wasn't an ED therapist. But he should have known better anyway.
I think it is just a bad idea all around for me to see a male T. If a female therapist had said the things he said to me I probably would have talked to her about it or fired her right away. But I have this thing about men that I always have to please them and need them to approve of me. I don't know what the deal is. Anyways, I'm glad I have K right now. She is really good.

Monday, October 19, 2009

working it

So I'm sitting here soaking an infected toe in saltwater (yummy, right?) and i thought I'd post a few thoughts.

I went to the gym and worked out this morning, and had my introductry consultation with the personal trainer. It was free, of course I cannot afford personal training. So anyways, she took my blood pressure and it was 144/80 !!!! I usually run low, and this was at least 40 points above my normal! It freaked me out! So hopefully I am not having a stroke anytime soon or anything.

The session was really great and she taught me some really good moves for my core. I have never worked on my core before, as that conflicts with my habit of prtending that my core doesn't exist. But I am ready to change my patterns of behavior (I think) and hope to become more fit and lean.

Today as I was working out I realized that if I am going to do this I really can't starve myself anymore. Since I have paid like a million dollars for this membership I have to work out, and I cant work out if I don't give myself fuel. So I guess I am blackmailing myself into being healthy.
Part of me is scared by this. I mean, how will i manage my feelings without my eating disorder? How will I define my life if I am not justifying my existence by starving? Can I do this?

Saturday, October 17, 2009

huge long post

Hmm, I have so much to blog about that I don't know where to start. I will start with telling you all about a breakthrough that I had while soaking myself in the tub the other night. It goes as follows:
I was in the tub just thinking and I kept on having thoughts about wanting to overdose. And I have so much medication on hand, you know I could get the job done. Anyways, I was thinking aboout od'ing, and it was not the first time lately that I was thinking about it. But as I sat there thinking about it, I realized that I didn't want to die, for sure. What did I want, then? I realized that every time I go through a major deppression, I usually end up in the hospital. Either I let my eating disorder get really bad, or I od, or I start talking about suicide and someone committs me. So, I end up in the hospital. Where I am safe.
So the other night in the tub I was realizing this and wondering if the urge to overdose was not really a death wish, but a desire to do something so I could get to a place of safety and get some relief from this deppressive "crisis". However, realizing that at this point in my life, my goal is to stay out of the hospital, it seemed to me that a new question was presenting itself. That is: can I create in my everyday life some of the feelings of safety and calmness and relief and stucture that I find so soothing in an inpatient setting. Is there anything I can do to get that need met, so that I dont have to seek it by doing something drastic.

I hope this is all making sense to you. It makes sense in my mind but is difficult to explain. Basically, I am trying to avoid going into the hospital for my deppression by trying to use some of the experiences you have in the hospital and build them into my daily structure.

For instance: art therapy. I bought myself an art journal and am going to collage and sketch in it to get through some feelings of deep deppression and such.
I am going to see my T twice a week. Actually, i have a rough patch comming up soon, because K will be in hawaii for 2 weeks. But when she gets back I am seeing her twice a week.
I am going to get time to myself every day to relax. I will most likely lay down in my room and listen to soothing music.
I am going to make more of an effort to connect to people in my life and build a support system. This will get me through in between therapy sessions. That doesnt mean I am just going to talk to my friends all about my problems. I mean, just relating with people and hanging out and such.
I am going to take time each morning to plan my day, look at the structure of the day and what I have to do. That way I can see trouble spots and things that might overwhelm me and plan on how to deal with them.
I AM REALLY GOING TO TRY HARD WITH FOOD! I did really greatwith food thursday and friday, which resulted in some weight gain, but I am trying not to freak out about it. I made an appt with the dietitian in my therapists office, then found out that my insurance wouldn't cover it. But I am going to see DR Sean this week and maybe he can refer me to someone.

Well, thats about it on that one. I shared with K the realiziation I had in the tub about not really wanting to die, just wanting to feel safe, but also not wanting to go into the hospital. She was really proud of me for figuring that out and admiting it, and being willing to try something new rather then the same old pattern. She was the one that helped me come up with the plans I wrote about above.

Ok, another big announcement. I know this is already a long post, but I wanted to share with you all that I JOINED A GYM! It's a big step for me. I needed to do it, though, for several reasons. First, I really don't like the way my body looks right now. But realisticly, I am at a healthy weight for my height and age. So I was thinking, If I could do weight training and get toned, rather then focus on losing weight, I could be healthy and happy about how I look.
Also, they have a really great kid's room. its like one of those McDonalds playlands. I took the girls there today and they LOVED IT! Didn't want to leave. So, now I can get time alone. Heck, I could take them there and just sit in the sauna and read a book if I wanted!
I am kind of worried about it too, though. A little part of me is worried that I will get into trouble excercising and not eating enough, and start having health problems like I did last year. That is one reason I really need to see a dietitian.

Oh, yes, and it cost me $930!!!!! But that is for 18 months for chris and I though. But I also have to pay 30 a month for the kids room. So I am still in shock about the money. Let's just say this is my birthday and christmas present. My mom is going to pay for some of it, too.

I think that working out regularly will help me get grown up time to myself, burn off some anxiety, ease my deppression, and help me feel better about my body. i'm looking forward to it.

Well, thanks for reading through this whole thing. i would love to hear anybody's thoughts on any of this.
I am still undecided about shocks over xmas break.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Promoted? Or Demoted?

I had a session with K (my new therapist) today and we were talking about my ED and she said that she would diagnose me as Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, which kind of suprised me. I mean, I know I'm not anorexic because I am at a healthy weight. But wouldn't I be bulimic since facing down the toilet is pretty much a daily occurence in my life? All she said about it was that I wasn't diagnosable as either anorexic of bulimic.

So I am left to mull over what this means for me. Can I view my EDNOS status as progress? Doesn't feel like it. I still feel pretty damned eating disordered. I still hate my body and am obsessed with losing weight and being thin. Every day I wake up and try to decide what to eat/what not to eat and realize that I am going to loathe myself either way.

What I'm afraid of is that this diagnosis isn't going to get me the help that I need. Will professionals look at it and think "well, she isn't that bad...". Will my treatment be seen as neccessary by my insurance? Will I lose my social security?

I shouldn't freak out or jump to conclusions. My SSDI is actually based on deppression as much as it is my ED. And for the other stuff, well, I would say that K has recognised that I need considerable help right now as she is seeing me as often as her schedule allows.

I really think that I should discuss this more with K when i see her tomorrow. I am embarrassed to admit it, but there is a real danger of me getting worse just so I qualify for the diagnosis that I want. I'm just being honest because I recognise this tendency in myself. But I want to prevent this from happening, so I think that talking to K and letting her know my concerns would be prudent.

In other news, i'm still deppressed and still considering shock treatments over winter break.

Emma had her first "cereal box art projects" class at the local art center today. They are making haunted houses. So cute.

Did you know you can find pictures of a rabbit's private parts on the internet? Just google it. Yeah, who knew?

Emma is going to be a jaguar for Haloween, Annie is a Bee. They will be adorable.

So far, none of us has the flu.

Well thats it folks.

Monday, October 12, 2009

cautiously optimistic

Hmm, the title says it all.

I feel like I am on a bit of an upswing today (after a rough morning) and am trying to make the most of it. So far today I have....

taken Annie to the dentist
taken her to playpals, where we chased eachother and played soccer
took my medication
done two loads of laundry
had a bath
gave annie a bath
took my medication
gone to the salvation army store
made chocolate chip cookies
put a roast in the crockpot
had too much caffiene

It is 2:30 and I am wondering what to do next...

Sunday, October 11, 2009

hanging in there

I am way way way behind on everyone's blogs and am trying to get caught up today. Have been severely, severely deppressed and not functioning well. I put on some makeup today and cleaned the house and went to church, so I am feeling pretty accomplished.

I had an emergency appointment with Dr Sean this week regarding my deppression this week, but did not accomplish much. i had been tapering off the Trazodone, but he put me back up to 100 mgs in case that would help. We discussed a few different meds (Abilify, Lamictal, Lithium) but he said he doesn't like to make major changes when someone is doing bad. He wants to wait until I am stable.

We discussed ECT (electroconvulsive therapy aka shock treatments), which i have had before. I am almost desperate enough to do them again. But the only doctor in my town that does them does not take medicare/medicaid. I basically would have to be inpatient to get them covered (still do not understand this). But I am not willing to go IP as I am not suicidal (yet) and also could lose custody of Emma if her dad found out I was IP and not able to care for her.

Other options for ECT are the hospital in Iowa City (no way in hell) or going back to Waterloo to have my old doctor do them. I could stay with my inlaws. But I would have to wait until Chris' winter break, so her could be home to take care of the girls. So it looks like I am not going to be recieving the "electric cure" any time soon. Plus, do I really want to spend Chris' break in Waterloo getting shocked? I guess it will depend on how I am doing at that time.

My sister said something to me the other day that really hurt my feelings. I told her I was struggling with a major deppressive episode (against my better judgement) and she said "cant you just pray to the Lord about it?"! Ouch. Of course I pray about it! That's one of the only things that gets me through the day! But seriously, if I had Lupus or MS or any other chronic disease, she would not have said that to me. Why is there so much support and understanding for causes like cancer and HIV, but when you struggle with mental illness you are just expected to deal with it or get over it or something. Like when someone tells you "just think positive", that is another one of my favorites.

Sorry I am just whining and complaining.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

my mom


I'm kind of sad at the moment. I have been thinking about my mom and her *cancer*. I was reading the obituaries in the paper and saw that a man who was 38 died after a 2 year battle with melanoma. He looked so young! My mom is younger than him.


In case you don't know, my mom has melanoma that has metasticised (sp?). She had a mass removed from her breast earlier this year and later one removed from her chest cavity. A few weeks ago she had one removed from her arm. So far she has been lucky in that all of the masses have been operable and havent affected major organs. But since the cancer has gotten into her lymph system that means little cells of cancer have spread all through her body and who knows where they will grow next. If they grow in her brain or liver or spine or something like that it would be bad news. Melanoma is very aggressive and hard to treat.


I just dont think about it very much because it is hard. My mom is so active and full of life. She works as a nurse. She is an avid bike rider and usually does a bike ride across iowa every year. She also like to kayak and ski. She sings and plays the guitar and performs at open mike nights with her friends. She is building a cabin on the wapsie river.


i wish I could see her more often. She lives 2 hours away and works full time and with Emma in school it is hard to get away even when our schedules are in sync. I feel like I am just taking it for granted that she will always be around and I will have lots of chances to spend time with her, because it is too painful to consider the alternative.
She would hate it that i posted this picture, because she thinks it is a bad picture. I like it.

Monday, October 5, 2009

a rare day

Is this not the cutest thing you have ever seen!? And yes, he likes it. Baby just goes nuts when I take him out. He sniffs everything and hops around and stands up on his hind legs. I also have a cute little carrier for him and we took him to the park the other day. The girls just had a blast!


Yeah, it's a litte undignified. But trust me, he loves it.
I am having a rare day of feeling not only functional but downright competent, so I thought I would document it.
There was no school for Emma today so I decided to take Emma and Annie and Emma's friend Espie to the zoo. I was a little nervous about driving into Des Moines (largest city in Ia, I know big whoop), especially since I have never done this myself. The zoo is on the other side of Des Moines and we have only been there once. Plus, I decided to take the interstate instead of the long way we went before. I just said a little prayer that we would not get lost or the car would not break down and off we went. And we made it, and I didn't get lost or freak out once! Not bad for a girl who used to be too afraid to even drive on the highway!
I got home and cleaned the house and put in a load of laundry. I called my old therapists office and cancelled my appointments. I made some calls to the moms who signed up to help with Emma's class Halloween party. Since I am the room mom, it is my responsibility to plan the party. I had been putting it off but decided to work on it today and found some people to help out and bring snacks and everything. It feels weird to be in charge of something but in this case it is just a 2nd grade class party so I guess I can handle it.
Oh my gosh I just poo-d the biggest poo ever! Another momentous event to record....
Anyways, that's about it for now. Sorry I am behind on commenting on blogs. Things have been a little busy around here but I will try to get caught up.
Peace yo.

Friday, October 2, 2009

My lovely doctor visit

Well, today has not been my favorite day.

It is sooo cold and rainy and I have had to run a million errands and have been freezing all day!
I have had a MONSTER headache for much of the day, and the Healthy Choice frozen dinner that I had for lunch is threatening to come back up.

The doctors appointment was, well, sucktastic. I am actually wishing I had lost the weight, even though I know that would be a bad thing. But as Dr Sean was listening to my list of GI complaints I had the feeling that he really wasn't taking them too seriously. Here it is: I have a general feeling of nausea pretty much all the time which gets really bad after I eat. Food just hangs out in my stomach forever and I get really urpy and bloaty (yum I know). I cant take a dump to save my life except when I take the Miralax, but then things swing to the opposite end of the spectrum and I am in the bathroom all day. Also, When I take Miralax my pristiq (antideppressant) passes through undigested. For reals! It's pretty dramatic.

Well, the good doctor said that my motility is impaired from my eating disorder and it would probably take several months with no purging and regular eating for it to get back to normal. The bowel situation is due to past laxative abuse and will probably be a problem that I will have
for a long time. I may have to be on the Miralax long-term.

So the doctors orders today are: Increase the Buspar (for anxiety)
Decrease the Trazodone (because the Seroquel and the
Risperdal knock me out just fine, thank you)
Get back on the Miralax, half doses
Prilosec OTC
Prilosec OTC. As in OVER THE COUNTER! Bwahahah! I wanted medical tests! I wanted REAL meds! I feel like crap all the time and I want to feel better and I'm skeptical that anything from the antacid counter at Hy-Vee is going to help me!!!

Yes, I do find it incredibly ironic that I'm always complaining about how many meds I'm on, and now I'm complaining that the doctor isn't putting me on more meds. REAL ones, anyway.

I guess there is no pleasing me.

So I bought myself some Tums and Gas-x when I got the Prilosec. Just as a consolation.

So- here is a puzzle for you:

I cant take the tums or gasx until a few hours after I have taken the prilosec. I have to take the Pristiq in the morning. I have to take the buspar three times a day, but not with my evening meds. I have to take the miralax BY ITSELF!
Soooo....

I think I will take the pristiq and prilosec and a dose of Buspar first thing in the morning. That way by noon, when the tummy trouble usually starts, I can have the tums and gasx.
More buspar at noon.
Miralax around 3 pm.
buspar at 6.
Seroquel, Trazodone, and risperidone half hour before bedtime.

Looks like I have a new hobby.