Tuesday, November 17, 2009

ok, what I'm gonna do instead....

so I decided that going completely off 2 antipychotic medications at the same time was probably not a good idea! So last night I just cut both doses in half. Still, I have alot of anxiety today, so it's a good thing I did not cut them out completely.

Still, I'm feeling really good about this. It was like I was facing down a fork in the road. Down one path, I could cocoon deeper into my world of medications and shock treatment and stay "comfortably numb" and never face my issues. On the other path, the harder one, i could choose to feel. To hurt. To grow up. To face my fears. I guess I am choosing the hard path, but with the hope that it will eventually lead me to a place where I can love myself, thrive, live a full life, ect.

I guess it's kind of like if you had an injury, and you chose to do a course of grueling, painful rehab instead of sitting in a wheelchair popping Lortabs and nursing your injury. Yes, rehab excercises suck, they hurt, and they are time-consuming. But you do them so that in time you can regain full function.

I don't want to live the rest of my life emotionally and psychologically crippled!

So, back to the meds, I am trying to do the responsible thing and just taper off. This totally goes against my all-or-nothing, impulsive personality. But I guess I will have a little more credibility with my doctor if I go in there and tell him I am tapering back, instead of just going off the meds cold turkey. Also, even though I am feeling good about this now, I couldn't shrug off the possibility that I might go into withdrawl and completely crack up and leave my poor husband to pick up the pieces. So all in all I think I made a good choice.

I haven't purged since Saturday. I even went out to eat fot lunch today and had ribs and icecream! I just ate until I was mildly full then stopped. It was really nice. I am working a bit on loving, accepting, and appreciating my body. I have started with my feet. I rub lotion on them, think about how they allow me to get around and excercise, and thank them for all they do for me. I think when I have this down and feel fully accepting of my feet, I will move on to my calves/lower legs. I am definately not ready to confront my stomache yet!

Well, thats about it.


Eating Alone said...

you need to apreciate your feet. They are your little wings.

now.is.now said...

Okay - yay - fewf - glad you made this decision.

I think you're making a really empowered choice. You're choosing to go down the harder path, that is your choice, you know what the ramifications are (pain), you know it's a long path, but you have becomed and empowered consumer of the health care system and that is your choice. Good. THe part B of this is to make sure you're transparent and open about this empowered choice with your doctor, your therapist, and your husband. If you don't like the doctor's opinion, get a second opinion. Just keep people in the loop so that you have an knowledgeable and informed support team. Also, you want to make sure this empowered choice is also an informed choice. I think you're about to do a lot of hard work in therapy. I understand not wanting to be on a lot of medications while that's happening. At the same time, you don't want to make things even ahrder for yourself (going off medications and beginning hard work in therapy at the same time could be a little overachieving of you...) Just my two cents.

I really love how you've decided to systematically approach loving your body. Funny you say something about stomachs. I was thinking about how my view of stomaches has changed recently and I am going to write a post about it.

Take care, Lisa. I'm here to support you all the way.

now.is.now said...

I'm just realizing my comment might have come across as me not supporting you in your choice but only calling it "empowered." I wanted to say that I do support you in your choice. I think it is well thougth through. It seems to make sense. I just want you to stay open about the choice with people so that your empowered choice is also a fully informed choice. You know?

I think a key word for you during this journey will be PATIENCE. There's no rush. Patience, my dear, patience. And, I'd bet, that if you are able to practice patience, recovery will ironically end up coming all the sooner. Don't fight yourself. Embrace yourself. Understand yourself. And stay patient.

You're doing a great job.

Alexandra Rising said...

So proud of you for not purging since Saturday!

I wish you will have strength to continue on this path.