so I decided that going completely off 2 antipychotic medications at the same time was probably not a good idea! So last night I just cut both doses in half. Still, I have alot of anxiety today, so it's a good thing I did not cut them out completely.
Still, I'm feeling really good about this. It was like I was facing down a fork in the road. Down one path, I could cocoon deeper into my world of medications and shock treatment and stay "comfortably numb" and never face my issues. On the other path, the harder one, i could choose to feel. To hurt. To grow up. To face my fears. I guess I am choosing the hard path, but with the hope that it will eventually lead me to a place where I can love myself, thrive, live a full life, ect.
I guess it's kind of like if you had an injury, and you chose to do a course of grueling, painful rehab instead of sitting in a wheelchair popping Lortabs and nursing your injury. Yes, rehab excercises suck, they hurt, and they are time-consuming. But you do them so that in time you can regain full function.
I don't want to live the rest of my life emotionally and psychologically crippled!
So, back to the meds, I am trying to do the responsible thing and just taper off. This totally goes against my all-or-nothing, impulsive personality. But I guess I will have a little more credibility with my doctor if I go in there and tell him I am tapering back, instead of just going off the meds cold turkey. Also, even though I am feeling good about this now, I couldn't shrug off the possibility that I might go into withdrawl and completely crack up and leave my poor husband to pick up the pieces. So all in all I think I made a good choice.
I haven't purged since Saturday. I even went out to eat fot lunch today and had ribs and icecream! I just ate until I was mildly full then stopped. It was really nice. I am working a bit on loving, accepting, and appreciating my body. I have started with my feet. I rub lotion on them, think about how they allow me to get around and excercise, and thank them for all they do for me. I think when I have this down and feel fully accepting of my feet, I will move on to my calves/lower legs. I am definately not ready to confront my stomache yet!
Well, thats about it.
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago