Wednesday, November 11, 2009

therapy grinds on

today has been a tough one. Had therapy and just about cried my eyes out the entire time. My therapist was digging into my beliefs underneath the ED and all this self-hatred and self-loathing came out. I never started out liking myself very much, and now I have so much bitter dissappointment in myself. I look at all the years wasted in the eating disorder and what it has reduced me to. I have so much regret. Sometimes when I am dropping my husband of on campus and I see all the students walking around I just feel like such a failure. I see all these young people and wonder how they can do it and I cant. i don't know what it is that makes them better than me or more capable. They just are.
Dealing with the underlying issues is tough. Eventhough I have been in therapy for 19 years, I have spent suprisingly little time working on these things. Most of the time I have been in therapy it has just been managing the day to day crisis that come up. Even when i have been in IP it seems like we just scratch the surface, but there are always more practical things to talk about, like how to avoid relapse and making a treatment plan and stuff like that.
Emma is home from school today and the girls are about driving me crazy! I have them playing with home made playdough right now and it's bought me a little time to myself. Also today we have made some pretty cute turkeys out of brown paper bags and construction paper (for thanksgiving).
I might be in a group therapy study. I'm not sure, I have an assesment next week. If i get in I might get paid some sweet moolah! It is a study about using group therapy to overcome a grudge. I have one specifically that I need to work on, so maybe this will be good for me.

We talked a little bit in therapy about God's role in my recovery. It was difficult to admit, but I don't really talk to Him much about my ED. I mean, I do pray to stop purging. But I can't bring myself to turn it all over to Him. If I said an honest prayer, it would go like this "dear Lord, please help me to stop bingeing and purging. But don't help me with the anorexia, because i'm not ready to give it up. I wish I could trust that You could make me happy at a healthy weight, but I don't. Does that make me a bad person?". That's just where I'm at right now. i can't even fathom what it would take for me to love myself at a healthy weight. Maybe God is the only way I could get there. i just need to find a way to trust and accept the help.


Eating Alone said...

1st a joke, "Wow and I thought I had control issues!" You can't trust GOD? The one that made you and formed you? Ok that's not a very good joke. But I do know how your feeling. My prayer is always, Just a little less Lord.

Next cool on the group thing. I really hope you get in.

Last, I'm so glad your digging in. That's the part that is the worst. It's like popping a boil or something, all that pain and shame, and self hate and crap comes out. When it does it can hurt so much. Make sure your husband know's what's going on and lean on him. You will feel like crap but then start to feel a little better. You didn't waste your life, look at your kids! You managed your life for 19 years and did what you needed to keep you, you! Now your working on being a better you.

You can do this. Keep on fighting! I love it that you make me think of God. He left when ED checked in. Or I left Him, whatever.

Alexandra Rising said...

Oh, Lisa. I struggle every day in school and wonder how my classmates can handle all the work and not get so stressed while I freak out and start crying. You are not alone. I understand. It doesnt make you any less of a person though. Just by living you are fighting. That is wonderful.

I think that group thing sounds awesome! And there's nothing like getting paid for getting a little therapy, hehe.

You know what? I believe in you. Whenever I read what you write I see you struggling, but I truly believe in you. I don't know what it is about you, but I have hope. And I think you have beautiful little girls.

Keep fighting. I truly believe you deserve the happiness that you seek.

jibbalibba said...

i just found your blog and would like to say that its wonderful and i shall be following. said...

This is all very hard, unreal, and painful...... and necessary. It might be the barrier you have yet to break through! This will make things easier in the end. Keep working, Lisa. It's worth it and you'll get through this. I, also, believe in you!