Chris and I actually got to go out on a date last night. We went to the Indai Palace for some yummy curry. Then we went to the mall and then to Old Chicago for desert. Then we stopped for a bit at Borders and just looked around. It was just weird doing all of this without kids! Like, I could just look at whatever book I wanted without having to worry if it was my turn to relieve Chris watching the girls in the kids section. Kind of sad that the first place I go to in Borders is the psychology/self-help section. Well, we all have our areas of intrest, I guess. Ayways, I made it through the whole date (and afterward) without purging. So all in all it was a good night.
Well, I got my labs back, and i was disappointed to see that my thyriod is normal. Disappointed, because depression caused by and underactive thyroid is an easy fix. The only thing really of note was that I am mildly anemic (who isn't) and a little low on potassium. Since i continue to purge, Dr Sean wrote a standing order for me to have my potassium checked. So I guess if I am feeling crappy I can go into the clinic without an appointment and have the lab drawn. I have never heard of such a thing, but I guess it is convenient. Dr. S also doubled my methylphenadate. He said that that way it would stay in my system longer and I would not crash so hard in the afternoons. So we'll see how that works.
I got on the scale tonight and discovered that since I have been going to the gym I have gained 5 big ones. I was a bit dismayed (weeping, gnashing of teeth). I don't know. My motivation to stay in recovery (from anorexia, unfortunately I'm still in the bulimia) is wavering. Actually, it kind of wavers from day to day. On the one hand, I am proud of myself for restoring weight on my own. This is the highest weight I have maintained since my illness began. I have weighed more, post-pregnancy and post-treatment, but that was always a transitory weight and I was always on my way down. Right now, I am maintaining a healthy weight for no other reason then that i have decided to really, REALLY try to do this recovery thing. On the other hand, i absolutely HATE LOATHE ABHOR my body right now and want to go into a coma and wake up when I am thin. So, I go back and forth. Skip lunch, but eat an extra large dinner out of guilt. Skip dinner, but lay awake at night thinking about my actions and eventually get up and have some dry cereal and V8. Back and forth. Usually, health wins out.
I really need to get the purging under control. Shock treatments can effect your elecrolytes, and they don't like to do them if you are purging. I have an upcoming appointment with a dietitian. We'll see in that helps.
I'm turning 31 next week but somedays I feel like I'm 14, other days it seems like I'm 80. I'm married to Chris, and have two wonderfull girls. Emma is 8, and Anne is 3. I have been fighting anorexia and bulimia for 19 years. I also struggle with treatment-resistant depression.
Each day is a fight, to make it through the day, to be a good mom and wife, to love myself. This blog makes it a little easier