Friday, November 6, 2009

Motivation

Well, here's the happy couple!
Chris and I actually got to go out on a date last night. We went to the Indai Palace for some yummy curry. Then we went to the mall and then to Old Chicago for desert. Then we stopped for a bit at Borders and just looked around. It was just weird doing all of this without kids! Like, I could just look at whatever book I wanted without having to worry if it was my turn to relieve Chris watching the girls in the kids section.
Kind of sad that the first place I go to in Borders is the psychology/self-help section. Well, we all have our areas of intrest, I guess.
Ayways, I made it through the whole date (and afterward) without purging. So all in all it was a good night.

Well, I got my labs back, and i was disappointed to see that my thyriod is normal. Disappointed, because depression caused by and underactive thyroid is an easy fix. The only thing really of note was that I am mildly anemic (who isn't) and a little low on potassium. Since i continue to purge, Dr Sean wrote a standing order for me to have my potassium checked. So I guess if I am feeling crappy I can go into the clinic without an appointment and have the lab drawn. I have never heard of such a thing, but I guess it is convenient. Dr. S also doubled my methylphenadate. He said that that way it would stay in my system longer and I would not crash so hard in the afternoons. So we'll see how that works.

I got on the scale tonight and discovered that since I have been going to the gym I have gained 5 big ones. I was a bit dismayed (weeping, gnashing of teeth). I don't know. My motivation to stay in recovery (from anorexia, unfortunately I'm still in the bulimia) is wavering. Actually, it kind of wavers from day to day. On the one hand, I am proud of myself for restoring weight on my own. This is the highest weight I have maintained since my illness began. I have weighed more, post-pregnancy and post-treatment, but that was always a transitory weight and I was always on my way down. Right now, I am maintaining a healthy weight for no other reason then that i have decided to really, REALLY try to do this recovery thing.
On the other hand, i absolutely HATE LOATHE ABHOR my body right now and want to go into a coma and wake up when I am thin. So, I go back and forth. Skip lunch, but eat an extra large dinner out of guilt. Skip dinner, but lay awake at night thinking about my actions and eventually get up and have some dry cereal and V8. Back and forth. Usually, health wins out.

I really need to get the purging under control. Shock treatments can effect your elecrolytes, and they don't like to do them if you are purging. I have an upcoming appointment with a dietitian. We'll see in that helps.

4 comments:

Ending the Deception said...

I'm the same in Border's as well :)

You look amazingly beautiful too! I feel you on what you are thinking/feeling right now. Im not a fan of my body right now but really working on the recovery thing at the same time, while trying to loose some weight that I put on from overeating the last few months, so I can be back at my healthy maintenance weight that felt comfortable for me. I just hope when I get there I'll be satisfied :/

Alexandra Rising said...

I dont know how often you read my blog, but do you remember when I was flipping out over weight gain? And how I was relating it to working out? It suuuuucks, but it is probably muscle. I don't know if that helps you feel better...knowing that it isn't eating, but chances are you are gaining muscle from working out and, as we all know, muscle weighs more than fat...therefore your weight will probably go up first. Just thought I'd throw that out there :)

Also, you look beautiful in that picture! I'm glad you had a lovely night with no purging!

Lisa said...

You DO look gorgeous in your picture. I'm glad you had a good time. Jim and I just went on a "date," too - Ethiopian food and store-bought ice cream. As we were walking around the grocery store after dinner I kept telling myself *this is normal, people go out to dinner and then they get dessert.*

And I HEAR YOU on the hating your body. It's so debilitating, isn't it? It just wallops you.

Eating Alone said...

GET RID OF THE SCALE!!!! You know this, it shouldn't even be in the house with you.

You look good and from what you said your feeling better since you started at the gym. Just keep that up, your body is loving it and responding! It's good! It's healthy!

Be glad your thyroid is normal. Mine is hosed and taking that stupid pill every day for the rest of my life sucks egg's! The anemic thing can be fixed if you get a little more red meat and some leafy green's in you! You can do it!

Congrats on the date without the kids! You should try and make it like that more often.