Monday, December 27, 2010

wishful drinking.....oops I mean thinking, did I say drinking? My bad!

I know I haven't posted about my Christmas yet but my funky awful mood that I am currently in precludes that.

I feel crappy. And anxious. And....listless? Fat? Bored? I dont know.

I want a drink really really bad. I have already gone through the house and checked all the baking extracts and mouthwash. No luck. And no, I haven't even considered the hand sanitizer. The thought gives me the shivvvvvvers.

To be clear, I AM NOT AN ALOCOHOLIC (and I'm not in denial). My therapist agrees with me on this one. She believes I was misdiagnosed and mislabled and victimized by a DHS social worker on a power trip. I tend to agree.


My husband is vehemently anti-alcohol. Plus, I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm an alcoholic. My first clue was 3 years ago when he committed me to alcohol treatment. Said treatment lasted a whole 5 days because, as I said, I am not an alcoholic. We pretty much ran out of alcohol-related issues for me to address (duh I drank a total of 5 times in a two month period) so they discharged me to outpatient.

Ok, ok, so it wasn't really the frequency of my drinking that concerned people. I think it was the dumb-assed choices I made while drinking. And I guess my choices of alcohol werent exactly normal. Hand sanitizer, Bath and Body Works body spray, and vanilla extract aren't your typical cocktail hour choices. Ok maybe I did have some issues. But they were mostly my religious and social guilt about drinking, so I couldn't just pour myself a glass of wine and have a drink like a normal person. Chugging a bottle of vanilla extract in my apartment parking lot feels pretty dysfunctional. But I was desperate, experiencing untreated Xanax withdrawal, just trying to get rid of "that feeling".

Which brings me back to tonight. I'm having "that feeling" again. The one I would do nearly anything to get rid of. Yes, I would love a drink right now.

But the think is, my therapist and I have talked about scenarios in which I could imagine myself drinking appropriately. They include: dinner with friends (except not if my husband is there because he would be uncomfortable), dinner with family (well maybe not), and......I guess that's it. But drinking due to stress or to treat mental illness is definately not on the list. Nor is drinking in my house or around my husband. Sigh.

Geez I would really love to be wasted right now. But I guess that's not in the cards for tonight. I just freaking hate feeling like this!!!!!!!!


Sunday, December 26, 2010

Merry Christmas and goodnight!

Christmas is over. It was good. I am exhausted. Will do a better update soon.


Sunday, December 19, 2010

And the beat goes on....

I saw my psychiatrist on friday and may I just say again that he is awesome!!!! I am so glad to have found him. It has been about 10 year since I had a psychdoc that I felt really cared about me, really listened, and to whom I wasn't just a number or a 15 minute time slot to check off. We talked about my anxiety and depression, and he increased my Lexapro and buspar. We talked about my little slip with googling "night sweats". He said he wanted to talk to Dr. Sean (my primary care doc who used to prescribe my psych meds) and see if he would be willing to see me for a monthly appointment, just to discuss my health concerns and symptoms and reassure me. He said that that seems to really help patients with health anxiety and cuts down on visits to urgent care or the ER. I guess that would be ok, except that I would feel kind of dumb. And I also worry that if something "real" was wrong with me, Dr. Sean would just chalk it up to my anxiety.

Oh, and when my psychdoc was talking about setting up this plan for monthly appointments with my doctor, he kept referring to it as my "monthly visit". Ewww. Every time he said "monthly visit" I kept cringing internally. I was nearly ready to say "ok I'll do it but please call it something else" but I chickened out and just let it go.

When the appointment was over and I was leaving I was at the end of the hallway and almost to the corner when the doctor came out of his office and chased after me. "Oh Lisa", he said, beckoning to me. I turned around and he said quietly "Stay off the 'net!". Too funny.

I haven't been feeling too well lately, which has been causing more health anxiety. I am super bloated and feel really full all the time and have no appetite. Even food smells are making me feel sick. It kind of reminds me of being pregnant (but I am NOT pregnant). Of course this would be a good time for the ED to get back in control but even when I dont feel like it I make myself eat. Which is not fun, and usually ends up making me feel worse. Oh well, what are ya gonna do...

Well, there is not alot else going on. Here are a few pictures.....

This one is something Annie made. I think it is a paper hand taped over her real hand. She was feeling either really creative or really bored.

Here is Annie on Santa's lap.

Here is Emma dressed up in a funky outfit for a school party. You cant really tell in this picture, but I put red hair gel in her hair.

I love these girls. They keep me going.....

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

gingerbread house, and a few words about fudge

finally got to upload pictures of our gingerbread house. So, without further ado...

Yes, yes, I know. It's lovely.

Ok, so I made fudge for the first time this year. the other day I made white chocolate peppermint fudge, and today I made plain and rocky road. I finally get why fudge has such a bad rap. I looked at this recipie and was like "ok, there are 2 bags of chocolate chips, and a can of marshmallow fluff. So why does it need FOUR CUPS of sugar again?". Wow.

It's good stuff, though. And I really firmly believe that there is no "bad" food. I actually have not been eating too many of the sweets. All the dental work I have been getting done has made my mouth super sensitive.

Well thats about it

I'm really trying

Christmas is usually my favorite time of year. Even last year, when I was in a depression that was so bad I was considering having ECT (shock treatment) again, Christmas was the highlight of my year. It gave me a much needed reprieve, weeks of happiness and excitement and "warm fuzzy" feelings. Its like a magical time when my anxiety and depression doesn't exist and all is right with the world.

Not this year, though. I keep waiting, but so far I'm just not feeling it. Usually I am so excited about Christmas, anticipating it, but also hoping it doesn't come too soon. Savoring every moment of the season. This year it is feeling like just one more thing I have to get through. All the seasonal activities that I usually enjoy now feel like chores. Usually by this time I have baked dozens of varieties of cookies and candies. This year, not so much. I have done a little baking, but it has been like everything else in my life these days; I have had to psych myself up for it and talk myself through it.

Maybe my standards are too high. I need to stop comparing this year to Christmas in the past, and appreciate it for what it is.

I am trying really hard though. I mean, I haven't just been laying around saying "poor me, I'm so depressed". I know even if I'm not into it, the girls still need a Christmas. We have driven around and looked at Christmas lights. We made our popcorn string for the tree, gingerbread men, and a gingerbread house. We do the advent calender every night. The house is decorated, and most of the time I have Christmas music playing.

I know I whine alot on this blog, but I really am not trying to let anxiety and depression take over my everyday life. I'm doing my best to push through and do the things I need to do to be a good wife and mom. I guess I'm just dissappointed that the mental illness has cast a cloud over the holiday season, which is usually a happy time for me.

On a side note, our gingerbread house this year was our best one yet. I tried to upload some pictures but blogger was being weird. I will try again later.


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

look, another anxiety post!

I don't think that I mentioned this, but after I saw my new Psych doc and he put me on Lexapro my anxiety really improved. I went about 2 weeks without any health-related anxiety (ok I should start calling it hypochondriasis. That's what the doc said it was, but technically he didn't diagnose me with it, because it is secondary to my generalised anxiety disorder/ocd, or some crap like that). I did have that anxiety with the mag citrate, but that was more like anxiety about anxiety, and when I actually drank the stuff I did ok. And there was a similar incident at the dentist 2 weeks ago over some novacaine. But other than that I have been doing ok.

This past week the hypochondriasis is returning. It was triggered by several nights of having night sweats (ewww, gross). I started having this feeling of dread because I know that night sweats are a sign of cancer. I resisted googling it until two days ago, when I finally broke down and got on Web MD, where I learned that night sweats are a symptom of non-hodgkins lymphoma. So I was reading the other symptoms and one of them was abdominal pain/feeling of fullness, and I started to panic, because I totally have that. So then I started thinking I had NH lymphoma. But I was able to calm myself down by reading the other symptoms, which I dont have. But last night I started feeling nauseated for no reason, which made me think brain tumor....and the beat goes on......

I am feeling ok today (except my tooth hurts, the filling the dentist put in last week is "high". Its ok I'll just have him adjust it when I go back next week for my THIRD round of dental work in a month). But the "cloud" is back. Fearing the next wave of anxiety is like living under a cloud. I never know when the next attack will happen and so even when I feel normal I don't trust it. I so back to see Dr. S next week and I can share all this with him and hopefull he will increase the Lexapro and It will work.

Sigh how I really miss Xanax sometimes. I know I overused it and it was a bad thing for me and ultimately made my anxiety worse and getting off it was hell. But some days (LOTS of days) I think "I really just want to take a pill to make this all go away for a few hours. Just a few hours of respite. that's all I ask".

Gosh I have lots more thoughts, about my eating disorder recovery and my kids and Christmas ect. But this post is already kind of long. Maybe I should post more often.


Thursday, December 2, 2010

big huge update with picures and everything

So I was sitting down the other day to write a post about my Thanksgiving and stuff and my computer crapped out. I guess it had some gnarly virus. I just got it back from Geek Squad today ($160). Awesome.
So anyways, here is an update on my life. I guess I will start with Thanksgiving. This was my first Thanksgiving in years that I not only didn't have any eating disorder behaviors, but it wasn't even a struggle. There have been a few Thanksgivings that I didn't purge, but I always got really upset and anxious about the food. Not this year though. I ate, well, normally. It was really nice to just eat and visit and not be off in ED lala land in my head.
I still get uncomfortable about some things, though. I feel weird if I have to go to the bathroom shortly after eating because I wonder if people think I am purging. But I have decided that people can think what they want. I gotta pee, you know?

Speak of bathroom matters, I ran into a bit of a bind last week (bind haha). I didn't take my miralax regularly while I was out of town, and that combined with all the food cause me some problems. I ended up in the urgent care last night feeling really sick and after examining me and poking on my tummy the doctor concluded that I was really constipated. She told me to go drink a bottle of magnisium citrate to get cleaned out. I nearly broke into tears. The thought of taking the mag citrate terrified me. With my hypochondriasis, I know that drinking a bottle of that stuff could result in cramping, weakness, shakiness, ect, which in turn might make me panic and think I was in heart failure/having a stroke/bleeding internally/whatever. I was worried I would be up all night freaking out, or worse, in the ER feeling irritating the doctors and feeling stupid. I just didnt want to go through all that. The doctor told me that mag citrate was totally safe. I mean, they give it to children, the elderly, people with all kinds of medical problems. And I know she wouldnt tell me to take it if it could hurt me. Doctors dont want to get sued, right? I just feel so tired of this.
SO I went to the pharmacy, where I interrigated the pharmacist for about a half hour (fortunately she wasn't busy). I didnt even try to act normal. I asked her "what if I have an intestinal blockage? Would this stuff kill me then? NO I dont have a blockage but what if I did and didn't know it? What if I were bleeding internally? Well, could this CAUSE me to bleed internally?" and so on and so forth. I pretty much covered all my bases.
In the end I came home and drank the stuff and spent all night crapping my guts out and didn't panic and nothing bad happened. So all of that was over nothing. Just think of what I could accomplish if I didn't make up all this trouble for myself. Geez....

Anyways, with everything cleared out, my stomach looked pretty flat this morning. It was scary how much I liked that feeling. The feeling of my body clearing out, my stomach flat and empty. It only lasted for a few minutes, though. Then I was like "hey, wake up, kid! How do you think your intestines got so messed up anyways?". Seriously, I haven't abused laxatives in nearly ten years, and my body still hasnt recovered. No way am I going to start down that road again.

Oh, and when I finally did get to sleep last night, Annie woke up with the croup. I hate the croup. It sounds like your child can't breathe. It's scary. I took her to the doctor today and he gave her a shot of steroids to help open up her airways. SO I am praying tonight goes ok.

There is STILL no snow here! Boo! But I put up my Christmas stuff and am trying to get in the spirit. See below, a sideways photo of my tree....
And here are the stockings. We don't have a mantle to hang them on but the bookcase works.
This picture didn't turn out that great but I put together this garland with lights and (fake) cranberries and it is really pretty.
Oh and our table centerpiece. Believe it or not, I went from Hobby Lobby to salvation army to Target to Walmart back to Hobby Lobby to figure this thing out. My three criteria were: it had to be cheap, it had to match our decor, and it had to incorperate fruit. SO, the cloth thingy is a placemat from Walmart ($2), the dish was $7 at Walmart, ant the picks were about $1.75 total. Plus the fresh fruit. I think it worked out well.

See, how could I ever have a job or go to school? It would leave me no time to drive all over town obsessing over fruity centerpieces.
Here is a lovely picture of my husband cutting the cheese.

Annie, helping my mom cook.

Awww crap, I posted the fuzzy one.....
Here is a dance party I had with the girls a few Sundays ago, a result of Sunday afternoon boredom. We got dressed up in our funkiest stuff (yes, I am wearing Victoria's Secret lingerie over a tanktop) and busted a move. I decided what we need is a rotating color-light disco ball, so I am getting the girls one for Christmas.
I introduced them to the "GO" soundtrack, well, parts off it. It made me feel kind of old.
Emma, fast asleep.... ....and little Annie bug.

And here they are playing covered wagon with their bunk beds.

This is my blog! If you want to read it, you have to see pictures of my kids!
Just kidding......kind of.....
Sorry I have sucked at commenting (out of town, broke computer). I will try to get back on track.