I know I haven't posted about my Christmas yet but my funky awful mood that I am currently in precludes that.
I feel crappy. And anxious. And....listless? Fat? Bored? I dont know.
I want a drink really really bad. I have already gone through the house and checked all the baking extracts and mouthwash. No luck. And no, I haven't even considered the hand sanitizer. The thought gives me the shivvvvvvers.
To be clear, I AM NOT AN ALOCOHOLIC (and I'm not in denial). My therapist agrees with me on this one. She believes I was misdiagnosed and mislabled and victimized by a DHS social worker on a power trip. I tend to agree.
My husband is vehemently anti-alcohol. Plus, I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm an alcoholic. My first clue was 3 years ago when he committed me to alcohol treatment. Said treatment lasted a whole 5 days because, as I said, I am not an alcoholic. We pretty much ran out of alcohol-related issues for me to address (duh I drank a total of 5 times in a two month period) so they discharged me to outpatient.
Ok, ok, so it wasn't really the frequency of my drinking that concerned people. I think it was the dumb-assed choices I made while drinking. And I guess my choices of alcohol werent exactly normal. Hand sanitizer, Bath and Body Works body spray, and vanilla extract aren't your typical cocktail hour choices. Ok maybe I did have some issues. But they were mostly my religious and social guilt about drinking, so I couldn't just pour myself a glass of wine and have a drink like a normal person. Chugging a bottle of vanilla extract in my apartment parking lot feels pretty dysfunctional. But I was desperate, experiencing untreated Xanax withdrawal, just trying to get rid of "that feeling".
Which brings me back to tonight. I'm having "that feeling" again. The one I would do nearly anything to get rid of. Yes, I would love a drink right now.
But the think is, my therapist and I have talked about scenarios in which I could imagine myself drinking appropriately. They include: dinner with friends (except not if my husband is there because he would be uncomfortable), dinner with family (well maybe not), and......I guess that's it. But drinking due to stress or to treat mental illness is definately not on the list. Nor is drinking in my house or around my husband. Sigh.
Geez I would really love to be wasted right now. But I guess that's not in the cards for tonight. I just freaking hate feeling like this!!!!!!!!
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago