So....I DIDNT PURGE ALL DAY YESTERDAY! Go me! And so far today has been good too. I did work out this morning and am feeling good/bad about it, just wondering if it was a good idea. I feel good and strong and not weak or anything and Corey said to base it on how i am feeling, but we know he is a little skewed and kind of a health-nut. But i am not going to worry too much cause i only did work out 2x this week which is hardly overexercising.
Corey tends to agree with me about my target weight from the university hospitals- that it is too high. He says he personally feels best when he is at the leanest end of his weight range. Part of me is like YES somebody finally agrees with me, and part of me is worried that he is supporting my illness thinking when he says things like this. Ok, this next part is really kind of bad. When i first got out of treatment last year and was really unhappy about my body and my weight and Corey was really trying to get me into working out he said some things that were pretty iffy. Like, that if i wanted to feel in control of something or obsess about something, working out and lifting weights is a really great way to control something in a healthy way. That weightlifters can get on a strict regimen and a really lean, high-protien diet and really control that aspect of their life and get their body fat down and have a really lean body and be healthy. That i could channel my anxiety and need for control in that direction and work out every day and eat really lean and get a lean body. Ok so maybe this might be good advice for somebody, and i think he meant well, but let me tell you it was EXTREMELY triggering for someone fresh out of treatment! And not that i give the treatment team at the uihc program credit for knowing what they are doing, but i think any treatment team would not be happy to hear a therapist talking this way to a patient.
The thing is, in all other aspects, corey is a REALLY great therapist. Before i saw him i was seeing this lady who is supposed to be the ed therapist in the area, but she never gave me any feedback, just the whole nod nod uh huh uh huh routine. The most she ever did was suggest i keep a food journal. Corey gives me really good feedback and is really proactive about challenging me, ecpecially on the distortions and thought patterns behind the ed. I dont really want to find a new therapist. Well, the other peice is that i am moving to another city this summer so it seems pointless to start with someone new and build a theraputic relationship with them just in time to move. I mean, in a few months i will be in a new city and have to find a new therapist anyway. So i might as well stick with corey.
Saw my psychiatrist last night and he is cutting back on my lexapro and risperidol. i will see him again in 3 weeks and hopefully then he will d/c these two meds. I am worried i will never be able to have any more kids cause i am taking too many meds and wont be able to wean myself off them when im ready to have a baby. But i am not ready to have a beby right now so i guess i shouldnt worry about it.
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago