Friday, January 2, 2009

happy new year

ok, so i am having a really positive attitude, or am trying to have, but the behaviors are reallly slow in coming around. I did really well the llast day of december- no purging! yay me! But yesterday and today, after a promising start bolth days, i ended up hitting the toilet. and its been over stupid stuff, too. Like feeling too full aafter a salad or having just a few hersheyes kisses. and the real killer is that bolth times its been within anhour or ttwwo after taking my pristiq, which is the new antideppressent that i have been pinning all my hopes on. But how is it going to work if i keep throwing it up. I feel like such a failure and am getting really discougaged. i mean, i want to get better so so badly. I wish i had the money to hire a private duty psych nurse whose only job was to hang with me and keep me from throwing up. But like that is going to happen. i keep trying to stick to foods that are safe, as in thay wont make me feel threatened and i wont want to throw up. but lately a new layer has been added to my illness- the feeling of fullness makes ke want to purge. Even if it is just carrots or salad or something. So i feel like nourishing myself is practically impossible. I f anyonee has any suggestions, please post a comment here or on my facebook. sorry about all the food talk! i am just really feeling alone and hopeless. Oh, and things are not going well on the benzo front, either. I told the doc that the klonipin wasnt working well so he gave me a prescription for lorazepam. i went ahead and refilled the klonipin anyway, so now i have bolth. i am pretty much taking them around the clock and while my anxiety is doing better i know deep down this is not how i am supposed to be using them and this is what i used to do with the xanax that got me into trouble. I am already having blackouts and problems with my memory wich is a bad sign. i am afraid to tell anyone because i feel so fragile and dont want my meds to be taken away and still hope i can get to a point where i can manage them effecctively.
I other news, i am really looking forward to this weekend! Chris and i are going to the amana colonies this weekend- no kids. we have a 2 room zacuuzi suite at a bed and breakfest and are going out to eat at all the authentic german resteraunts and shopping at all the boutiques! i am so excited. Historicaly, my ed has been able to go on hiatus for special occasions so i hope this will be the case. And i am not takin ANY benzos with me- i see nothing but fun for this weekend with no need to block any of it out, and i want all mt memories intact! So im not even leaving them as an option. i am feeling really good about that. And, maybe a benzo free weekend eill help me get that whole situation under control. Well, wish me luck! Please leave comments so i know you were here, either here or on facebook. it means alot to me that someone would read this! Love you all!


Kara said...

I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time. I'm glad that you are and hubby are going on this mini-vacation. Good for you that you aren't taking any benzos with you. I hope that this can be a fresh start where you can stop abusing your meds. If you are still having trouble abusing meds after your vacation, I think that's when you definitely need to tell your doctor. He will be able to help you, trust that. I need you to do something right now - take your bottle of Klonipin and flush the rest of the pills down the toilet and then call the pharmacy and cancel all refills. I know you want to recover, but you absolutely CAN'T recover while you are abusing meds. It's not possible. I know it's scary to take less anxiety pills (I've come off them before and it's scary), but you can do it. Still take them at healthy doses, but don't overdo it. You are in a vicious cycle right now because the more benzos you take, the more you need next time to get the same effect.

I'm worried about you! Please do this for you and your husband and your kids.

By the way, do you see a therapist?

lisalisa said...

kara, thank you so much for your insights and concerns! I am really glad to know you. It's true that i am struggling right now, but am also working really hard on my issues in therapy. I wish i could take your advice about flushing the benzos, but right now i dont think that i can. or maybe am not willing to. Maybe im just afraid to face all my issues without tthem. What i am trying to say is that im feeling really bad for seeking advice if im not going to take it. But you have given me something to think about. And most of all, i no longer feel like im alone. I do have other people who read this blog too, but they leave comments on my facebook since they arent bloggers. Anyway, thank you so much for your support. I hope i can be there for you when you need me too!