Sunday, January 25, 2009

sunday afternoon

well, not much going on. Still here, trying to keep it all together. I wish i had + progress to report on the eating disorder front but so far no good. Was it Marilla from "Anne of Green Gables" who always said "Tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes in it", or something like that? I like that. I mean to post more often on this blog. It's just the darned Seroquel- it scrubs my brainpan clean and all i want to do as soon as the girls go to bed is sleep. Yeah, it's really been putting a dent in my love life (ok, so maybe that is too much information. But there it is.). On the other hand, the anxiety has been more manageable and that is crucial right now. I honestly think that were it not for the seroquel i would be in the hospital right now. So i am willing to make the temporary sacrifices for a little piece of mind. Piece of my mind. Ha ha!
Lately i have been semi- obsessed with the song "Disturbia" by Rriahna (sp?). I feel like the lyrics pretty much describe what it is like to be me right now. Ok, maybe that is a little bit dramatic, but there it is. And who hasn't, at some point or another, heard a song that just clicks and makes them say "hey, that is so me!"? I wish i knew how to copy/paste or whatever and could put the lyrics up here. The song is kind of about living with a madness inside that distorts everything and isolates you and is debillitating. At least thats how i took it. Thats how i feel about my deppression/anxiety/eating disorder. Its like i live in a cold and scary parallel universe and im looking out through a distorted lense of irrational fears and bad memories. I try to function in the so-called real world but in order to do so i keep up a constant dialogue with myself, kind of like a coach. It sounds like this " now go to your husband. now hug him. now smile. put the pot on the stove. turn on the stove. good job. you can do it. theres emma. give her a hug and smile.". Well, thats only on bad days. On good days i can function without the "coach". Only there havent been very many good days lately. It might sound like i dont love my husband and kids, like i am "fake" with them. Thats not it at all. If it werent for the love that i have for my honey and little ones i would just give up. Its just that the deppression makes it difficult some times to be expressive or just plain interact above the level of a slug.
Whoops! I didnt mean to ramble on. Since ive scared off any new readers, and bored the rest of you into a coma, i had better go. I have some serious sitting around to do. But if you comment and you have heard that song, please tell me what you think of it. I do admit, it has kind of an annoying rhthym that gets stuck in your head. Bombombedum boombombedomdom.....

1 comment:

Kara said...

I'm glad the Seroquel is helping, but I'm sorry it makes you want to sleep all the time. Even though you think that the Seroquel is the only thing keeping you out of the hospital, I think you should still talk to your doctor about the wanting to sleep all the time side effects. Maybe he can change the dosage or something so that it will still help you but won't make you a zombie. Hang in there. XOXOXO