cant believe that five years ago (technichly yesterday) chris and i were getting married in the salt lake temple. Sometimes it seems like a long time ago and sometimes it seems like it has gone by fast. We certainly have had our share of trials. i remember our first anniversary- we played scrabblr at the Center for Chance cause i couldnt get a pass to go uot. that was a bummer, but chris was a real sport about it. I am blessed with such a loving, carring, understanding husband. Sometimes i worry that i have the capacity to take advantage of that. But i dont want to be that wayy, i really dont. I want to be healthy and well and be the wife he deserves! I want to be the person that i deserve! I know that if i could somehow thake all the energy i put into obsessing about food/ weight/calories and put it toward soomething positive, who knows what i could accomplish! Maybe i could get off disability, go back to school, and have a career, marbee helping others in the mental health feild. Or maybe i could just be a really kick-ass mom instead of just so-so, But i am forgetting about the anxiety and deppression. not to be self-defeating, but those two monsters were there before the eating disorder showed up, and i am likely to struggle with them for the rest of my life. I just have to find a way to live with them so i can function and they dont control me.
So anyway, back to my anniversary trip. We stayed at this great little b&b in a 2 room suite witth a fireplace and a jacuzzi tub and an absolutely beautiful christmas tree that was still up. Maybe i will see if my husband will help me put pictures up on this blog. i am so bad with technology. Anyway, unfortunately, my ED came along for the ride, but was fairly unobtrusive, and chris and i enjoyed ourselves immensly. The benzos stayed at home. We shopped at all the cute little boutique stores and i got myself the COOLEST tshirt wich i will try to post a picture of. It says "caffiene girl" accross the top and the bottom says " because sleep is overrated" and it has a drawing of a cute girl surrounded by sodas and energy drinks. Perfect for me, yes!
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago