I haven't felt much like writing lately. i guess things are going ok. I have had almost 7 days in a row that i felt stable mentally and emotionaly. So that is good.
I had a pretty good Thanksgiving. Relaxing, despite all the travel. Got to see most of my family.
Body image is at a low right now. i have gained MORE weight (thanksgiving) and am suspicious that I am now overweight. I almost weigh as much as I did when I was discharged from the ED program at UIHC (evil hell). I am really tempted to restrict and lose weight right now.
I had a really spiritual experienca at church yesterday. It is kind of hard to explain. We were taking communion and the pastor had just talked about all that the Savior bore for us on the cross and how he endured all things and there is nothing he can't help us with. As I was having communion I was thinking about my ED and how I really want to just turn it over to God. Part of me is scared to do this (i like to control everything) but part of me was filled with hope and had a glimpse of what it would be like if I let God help me learn to love myself and accept my body. It was a thrilling notion: what if I didn't have to hate myself anymore? What if I could let this all go; what would my life be like? Then of course, part of me got scared. i am kind of like that disciple (I can't remember which one) who was walking on the water towards Jesus and he was doing ok until he took his eyes off the Lord and saw the waves and got scared and started to sink. I feel a thrill of hope, but it is gone as soon as the eating disorder steps in and hisses negativity in my ear. I need to have more faith. oh well, I am a work in progress.
Hmm, what else. I have most of my Christmas shopping done already. I get a little excited about the holidays and tend to dive right in as soon as thanksgiving is over (or in this case even before that). Oh, and Chris and i got up at 3 am on black friday do go shopping! it was a little crazy, but we got some good deals. I usually go black friday shopping by myself, so it was kind of fun to go with Chris.
I am glad that I am not doing the shock treatments. i am really looking forward to just spending some quality time with the family over Christmas break. i am more at peace with the decision not to do the treatments, especially now that my mood is improved.
Well that is about it. I did also want to say that I am still reading everyones blogs but am really struggling to come up with good and thoughtful comments. Like, my brain has been turned off and I feel I have nothing to contribute. hopefully this will pass. but I am still reading and care deeply about you all.
Judgement and Regrets
1 month ago