ok. lately I feel like my blog is turning into a chronicle of my mental messed-upness. So sorry about that. Today I am afraid it's just going to be more of the same.
I think I really threw something off when I cut back on my meds the other day. I feel a little better since I went back on the full dose, but I'm still not quite right. It's hard to explain. Let me lay out the symptoms:
1. I am extremely agitated.
2. I "startle" at even small noises. Like, the clattering of dishes makes me tense up or run to my room to "take a break".
3. Very sensitive to most stimuli. Even taking showers is hard because the feeling of water hitting my skin sends me into panic.
4. Extreme and inappropriate anger. Feel this rage bubbling under my skin. Am frequently slamming my fist into my thigh or stomping the floor hard with my feet. Sounds childish, but I cant control it.
5. Of course, very depressed. I think I am more depressed because of the other symptoms and how hard it is just to function and get through the day.
I have been spending alot of time in my room (when chris is home to watch the girls) curled up in my bed listening to soothing songs on my ipod and clutching my blankie. Yes, I now have a blankie. Sounds silly, but it actually helps me relax. I guess as long as I dont start taking it out in public it's ok.
I haven't been going to the gym as much lately because all of the stimulus there is just too much. The lights and mirrors and all the people. All the movement. It's a bummer cause I paid through the nose for my membership. i am going to try to go today with Chris. I really am fighting this, I can't let it control/end my life.
Along those lines, I had a minor triumph yesterday. Last week I had met a really nice woman named Jasmine at playpals. She has a little boy who is Annie's age, and a baby boy. She just moved here from France and doesn't really know anyone. I invited her and the kids over for a playdate. So yesterday was the day of the playdate and I woke up feeling very awful. I didn't know how I was going to go through with it and was tempted to cancel. How could I control my anger, my anxiety? That, plus make conversation and be a good hostess. It seemed impossible and I called her up to cancel. But when she answered the phone, I changed my mind and just said that I was calling to make sure she was still coming. So they came over and we had a really nice time.
Ok i intended to write more about that but my dad just called and really upset me so i have to go (room, ipod, blankie). I will probably post again after my doctor's appointment this afternoon.
I love you all thanks for the continued support!!!!!!
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago