Friday, November 20, 2009


ok. lately I feel like my blog is turning into a chronicle of my mental messed-upness. So sorry about that. Today I am afraid it's just going to be more of the same.

I think I really threw something off when I cut back on my meds the other day. I feel a little better since I went back on the full dose, but I'm still not quite right. It's hard to explain. Let me lay out the symptoms:

1. I am extremely agitated.
2. I "startle" at even small noises. Like, the clattering of dishes makes me tense up or run to my room to "take a break".
3. Very sensitive to most stimuli. Even taking showers is hard because the feeling of water hitting my skin sends me into panic.
4. Extreme and inappropriate anger. Feel this rage bubbling under my skin. Am frequently slamming my fist into my thigh or stomping the floor hard with my feet. Sounds childish, but I cant control it.
5. Of course, very depressed. I think I am more depressed because of the other symptoms and how hard it is just to function and get through the day.

I have been spending alot of time in my room (when chris is home to watch the girls) curled up in my bed listening to soothing songs on my ipod and clutching my blankie. Yes, I now have a blankie. Sounds silly, but it actually helps me relax. I guess as long as I dont start taking it out in public it's ok.
I haven't been going to the gym as much lately because all of the stimulus there is just too much. The lights and mirrors and all the people. All the movement. It's a bummer cause I paid through the nose for my membership. i am going to try to go today with Chris. I really am fighting this, I can't let it control/end my life.
Along those lines, I had a minor triumph yesterday. Last week I had met a really nice woman named Jasmine at playpals. She has a little boy who is Annie's age, and a baby boy. She just moved here from France and doesn't really know anyone. I invited her and the kids over for a playdate. So yesterday was the day of the playdate and I woke up feeling very awful. I didn't know how I was going to go through with it and was tempted to cancel. How could I control my anger, my anxiety? That, plus make conversation and be a good hostess. It seemed impossible and I called her up to cancel. But when she answered the phone, I changed my mind and just said that I was calling to make sure she was still coming. So they came over and we had a really nice time.
Ok i intended to write more about that but my dad just called and really upset me so i have to go (room, ipod, blankie). I will probably post again after my doctor's appointment this afternoon.
I love you all thanks for the continued support!!!!!!


Cammy said...

Hey Lisa,
I'm sorry you're having a rough time, maybe your system still needs some more time to balance out after restarting the meds? How long does that normally take?

Kudos for staying strong and not letting the anxiety win out when deciding whether to cancel with Jasmine. I know that stepping out of the box, especially when you're in a hard spot, can take a lot of mental energy, but usually it turns out to be worth it.

If your symptoms don't get better very soon, maybe you need to consult your doc again. Hang in there and don't lose faith that you WILL find balance eventually. You mentioned that you like listening to music: one of the things H. had me do was to make various playlists for different "mood needs" (ie soothing, uplifting, energizing, etc). Maybe doing something like that would be a nice project? I put mine together over a year ago, and I still use them daily, adding/modifying all the time.
You're in my thoughts, as always, please take care and treat yourself kindly. <3

Tasty Health Food said...

It's going to be okay, Lisa. Just know that you're strong enough to get through life and have an awesome time doing it! But I do agree with Cammy... Maybe a doctor is in need in this situation. :/

Alexandra Rising said...

Lisa, I'm so glad you didnt cancel the playdate, and that it worked out alright in the end.
I bet that woman is feeling just how you are and was probably very grateful to make your aquaintence [I cant spell that word].
It was also very brave of you to face what was an anxiety inducing situation for you.
I hope you are feeling a bit better than you were when you wrote this.

PTC said...

Lisa, I hope things get better for you. said...

Lisa, I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Be kind to yourself and, remember all the wonderful, amazing things about you (whether it be personality, relationships, accomplishments).

I Hate to Weight said...

i agree with the others -- you will find balance. and you are amazing for working through your anxiety -- it's so, so, so, so, so hard.

it's good to have a blankie. we all need comfort, no matter how old we are.