thanks for the support :). I am feeling somewhat better, although shaky. I saw Dr. Sean yesterday and he thinks the increased anxiety/symptoms is due to the deep childhood issues that I am digging up with my therapist. His suggestion was to back off on that stuff until I am more stable. He is concerned that I am not emotionally strong enough to handle tough therapy right now and i could deteriorate to the point that I might need to be hospitalised. He also increased my Buspar, wich isn't really a big deal. I don't think it does anything for me anyway.
So, I already know what my therapist is going to say about all this. She is of the mind that I depend too much on medication and I need to work on these really deep, tough issues if I am going to achieve a full recovery.
The problem is, I agree with both of them.
It strikes me that I should have worked on these things when I was in IP. Like, when I was in a safe environment where it would be ok if therapy left me a weepy mess for the rest of the day because there were no responsibilities or sharp objects. What the hell did i spend my time in IP working on, anyway? Well, in UIHC (evil hell), individual therapy is not part of the program. So you can't really get into much there. I don't really remember what I worked on the 3 months I was at the Center for Change. I think I did some anger work. And then there was the usual "I'm so fat! Weight gain sucks!". What a waste of time. I tell you, if I had another opportunity like that, I would not waste it. Well, I don't think I wasted it. Just didn't take full advantage.
Oh, want to know what my dad said the other day that upset me so bad? Well he called and asked how I was doing and I decided to tell him the truth. Well he cut me off and just went on and on about how I wasn't close to the Lord and that's why I'm having all these problems. How all I need to do is pray and read the word and I will be healed. I told him i do that stuff, but he just laughed it off like I don't have enough faith or I would be healed already. So basically it's my fault I'm sick because I don't have enough faith.
But it's not even that he just told me this. I mean, he went ON and ON for like 30 minutes, whithout me even talking. He usually goes on and on about God like that, which is why I only call him about once a week. I just can't handle it. I just don't want to hear it from him. He drinks and smokes pot daily (he grows it for a living). About a year ago he says this "cross" just appeared to him in his right field of vision and it's some kind of sign or gift from God. He goes on and on about it and how blessed he is blah blah blah. He sees the cross all the time. He thinks he is spiritually superior to just about everybody and if you try to explain to him that you, too, have a relationship with the Lord he kind of scoffs at you like you have no idea what it's REALLY all about. ALso one day while he was reading the book of John he said it just "opened up" and he saw it played out in a vision and it explained all these things about God's plan and the end of the world and he doesn't know why God chose him to witness this but it must be because he is so spiritually in tune or something.
WHen my dad goes on and on about this stuff to me it is like listening to a crazy person talke and I get sick in my stomach. Sometimes I just hold the phine away from my ear because I can't handle it. So you can imagine how it felt to hear him combine his religious fanaticism/delusions with telling me that my suffering was my fault. It sucked.
I feel really bad for writing all that stuff about my dad. Like I am betraying him, or something. Even though I know he will never read this. I just felt like I wanted to get it out.
I hope he never reads this! I don't know how he would, he never uses a computer. I may delete this later. It would really hurt him if he knew I had these thoughts about him.
I'm going to Waterloo to see the ECT doc on mon. Just for an evaluation. My sister in law works with someone who had ECT and said it made her like a new person. I would like to be a new person.
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago