Sadly, my 2.3 year streak of not being hospitalised has come to an end. But on the positive side, this was a short stay, I still have my job, and I will get back on track.
On Monday my depression was really bad and I had tried several things to help myself feel better. I took the girls out to a park with bluffs and trees to see the fall colors. usually being out in nature can ease my depression a bit but by the time we got back I actually felt worse. I called a crisis line at my psychiatist's office and spoke with a therapist there. I am not going to get into it, just going to say that he was NOT helpful. The receptionist told my that my psychiatrist had an opening that evening, so I decided to go in, even though his office is an hour away. At my last appointment he had added a small dose of wellbutrin, with plans to increase it. I was hoping that after seeing him he would agree to up my dose.
That is not quite what happened. Dr. S was very concerned and said he wanted to walk me over to the emergency room at the hospital across the street. I totally freaked out...I did NOT want to go into the hospital and I had to work the next day. I was really worried that all my hard work would be ruined by a hospital stay. But the Dr. wouldnt really take no for an answer. Once we were at the ER he called my husband. I guess he told Chris that this was the worst he had ever seen me and he didnt feel comfortable with me going home. He put me on a 48 hour hold and I was checked into the er to wait until a psych bed was found. I spent the night in the ER and the next day two sheriff deputies drove me to a hospital about 2 hours away, which apparently had the closest psych bed. We have a shortage of psych beds here in Iowa and sometimes people have to go to the other side of the state for one. It really sucks.
Since I was so far away I didnt get any visitors, there wasn't anyone to bring me a change of clothes or anything like that. It didnt really matter because I slept most of the time, and hospital scrubs work just fine for that.
It wasnt too bad. I talked to my boss and she assured me that my job was safe. My wellbutrin got increased so that is good. My 48 hour hold was up at 10:30 last night and I wanted to go home so they discharged me. I was suprised they would do that so late at night but I was glad that Chris could come get me and take me home. Today I have kind of felt like a zombie. I am still pretty depressed and wonder if I should have stayed in the hospital a few more days. But I dont feel suicidal, and I guess I can be depressed at home instead of in the hospital. At least here I have my own things.
I am really apprehensive about going back to work tomorrw. I think I will just feel akward. Also, tomorrow starts a 7 day stretch at work and I just dont know if I am up to it. I need to talk to them about not scheduling my for more that 5 days in a row. They are really short staffed but that is not my problem- I need to take care of myself before things get out of control and I cannot work at all, you know?
Well that is about it for now. Just trying to make it from moment to moment.
I'm turning 31 next week but somedays I feel like I'm 14, other days it seems like I'm 80. I'm married to Chris, and have two wonderfull girls. Emma is 8, and Anne is 3. I have been fighting anorexia and bulimia for 19 years. I also struggle with treatment-resistant depression.
Each day is a fight, to make it through the day, to be a good mom and wife, to love myself. This blog makes it a little easier