Tuesday, January 6, 2009

decision

ok, so this one is alot aboout food. so if you think that this is going to bother you then dont read it. I just dont want to trigger or upset anyone. Ok, so here is the deal. i am pretty much purging everything i eat. Even so called safe foods like fat free chips or raw caulifluaer. Everytime i sit doun to a meal or snack i get this anxious and deeply weary feeling because i know what is going to happev next. I feel like noourishing myself is juust this minefielld and i dont feel safe and dont know which way to go. I am completely out of control and it scares me. I AM SO TIRED OF THROWING UP! I cant f-ing stand it. i have been trying the small meals tthroughout the day but that hasnt been working. It has just resulted in me purging more times thruoghout the day.
So here is the plan that i came up with last night. Supplements, and supplements only. No "food". I look at supplements in a different way then i look at food. I look at them kind of like as medicine. I have never thrown up a supplement. I think this could work for me. All i know is, i need a break from all the purging and the anxiety that is going on right now. The whole what to eat, what not to eat, is this safe, will i throw this up. Its driving me over the edge. Whith suplements there is nothing to decide, you drink one, youre done and you go on about your day. i dont know how long i will be on the supplements. My therapist suggested 2 weeks. obviously the idea is not to be on them forever. When i am feeling ready i will transittion back to regular food. Its just that right now my emotional state is so fragile and ED is doing such a number on me that i want to take back some of the control and feel a litle saner and calmer. I hope everyone can suppoort me in this step or at least see where im coming from but if you have concerns that is ok too. i know it must seem a little drastic. And who knows, maybe tommorrow ill break down and have a hamburger. you never know. this is just something id like to try, because right now i feel like im runnung out of options. Love and peace to all!

2 comments:

Kara said...

As long as your therapist and doctors approve, I think i'ts a good idea. However, please don't make the rule that you can't have any food. I think it would be good to have the supplements and say to yourself that you can have real food too if you want it.

xoxoxoxo

Kara

Keely said...

I second Kara. Chris called me yesterday. I don't know how to get ahold of you. Call me ok?