attention-seeking behavior

I have a confession to make. The last few days, I have been thinking about quitting eating altogether. Just stopping. Just throwing my hands up in the air and saying "Eff it, I'm done!".

Not because I think I'm fat (which I do ). But just so people will see. They will see that i am in the midst of a five alarm mental emergency. That I am anxious and depressed and everything is excrutiating and I'm not effing fine! I'm tired of looking so great. I hate it when I see people and they tell me how great I look! I dont feel great! I'm dying inside, and looking great isn't really paying off for me.

I just want my outsides to match my insides. I want people to see how much I am hurting. As I said to my therapist, there is no medical test or measurement of emotional pain. They cant draw my blood and look at it and say "gee, this kid is really losing it. Maybe we should try to get her in a little sooner." But if I quit eating....if I quit eating....that's a measurable and visible decline in health. Then suddenly, you are an urgent case. People move schedules around, they fit you in somehow.

My husband Chris is really the only one who knows how bad i am doing right now. Ironically, he is the one who I want NOT to know! It worries him so bad, and he has enough stress already. I hate to add to his burden.

This evening I made dinner for my family, then told Chris I wasn't up to eating and went in my room and laid down. As I lay there, I could hear Chris and the girls eating and the guilt began to gnaw at me and I asked myself "is this really what i want? Do I want my girls to have memories of dinnertimes where Mom wasn't there? Do I want Chris to sit at the table as the sole parent, his stomach churning with anxiety as he worries about his wife?". I told myself that this was not acceptable behavior, that I just needed to get my ass in gear and go into the kitchen and join them. So I went in and sat down and ate a little dinner. And purged afterwards.

I don't know how I got to the place where i am right now. I so desperately want to be the HEALTHY wife and mother that my family deserves! I can't "quit" eating. It would only make things worse. What do I do?

It occurs to me that I am not a bad person. I am just a person who is struggling with severe and persistent mental illness, who has been through some pretty drastic med shifts lately, who is currently between doctors right now, and who is not handling it very well. I am suffering. this is not my fault. I do, however, have a choice in how I will deal with things. Today I did not make good choices in regards to self care. I did, however, make other notable good choices. I emailed my daughter's teacher and volunteered to drive for a field trip. I took Annie to the park. I did 2 loads of laundry. I gave Emma an extra long backscratch because she is not feeling well.

See, I am hanging in there. By a thread.

two steps forward, one step back...

...is still progress! I did so good sat and sun, no purging, eating all "normal meals" with my family, and trying not to obsess. Then this morning I purged. Hmmph. But I am not counting today as a failure; I am going to pick myself right back up and succeed for the rest of the day!

I have gotten to the point where looking in the mirror isn't quite the sucker punch to the gut like it used to be. I do not like what I see for sure, but I am making peace with it. I just keep reminding myself of all the tradeoffs and positive things that are coming out with me being more healthy. And I also have this inner sense of peace. I think it is because I am finally doing what I am supposed to be doing, and living in line with my values.

I had a little drama on FB the last few days that is kind of sad/amusing that I think I will share. I was friended by this girl who I will call M. I don't know her but we have mutual friends (all from treatment so I figured she had an ed) so I friended her back. She was on fb several times a day. Sometimes she would post recovery sayings or goal, but alot of what she posted was things like " I cant believe my parents made me eat that, thank g*d i bought those laxies" and " i'm going to starve until I get a tube" and crap like that. Of course she is a teen, but even so, I thought it was kind of hyprocritical for her to talk about how much she wanted recovery one minute and then say things like that. And the thing was, nobody was calling her on it!
So the other day she was bemoaning the fact that someone had defriended her( I know the girl that defriended her; it is someone who is really strong in her recovery) and I finally had to tell her what I saw. I posted a comment that basically suggested that while some people were struggling to get better, she seemed invested in staying sick, and maybe that was why that person had to cut her off. I tried to tell her that an ed is no way to live, and that in order to get better you have to do the work . I didn't think I waas too hard on her.
So in her next post she was taling about how she had been slipping and was reinvesting herself in recovery. rah rah recovery! But then the next post she was talking about having an "ana photo contest" with someone! Whatever the crap that is!
So anyway that was yesterday, and today she defriended me. I dont know why, but i feel kind of bad about the whole thing. I try to only support people in recovery. I never want to hurt anybody. I was trying to support her, not her illness. But maybe I was too hard on her. Maybe I should have kept my opinions to myself.
There have been times when peopple called me on things and being the sensitive person i am i was a little hurt. But later I realized those were the people who really cared about me. And I guess I have struggled too long and too hard and am just at the point where I want to be true to myself and when I see BS I have to call it out. Am I a bad person?
And I think if someone is struggling they should definitaly be able to share that. Everyone deserves support when they are in a cycle of negative behaviors. But there is a difference between that and puposefully pursuing illness and flaunting it. I guess thats just what I think.
Anyone who reads this please tell me what you think about the whole situation, if you want.
Maybe I shouldn't FB so much, or be more careful who I expose myself (expose myself, haha) to on FB. I don't want it to be an unsafe place for me. Lately it has felt like middle school! Sheesh!

fail

I just purged. I feel like a failure.

Will i ever recover?

I don't know.

Right now it feels like "no".

A borring post

Remember my "21 day challenge"? You know, how i wasn't going to binge or purge for 21 days? Well, I only made it 12 days. But I am going to take the advice that my friend Kara so wisely gave me when i started the challenge and i'm not going to beat myself up for not making it. I'm dissappionted, but i would still consider the experience a success. I mean, 12 days is a long time for me! That's almost 2 weeks! And. I think it's even more of a success because I wasn't restricting or sticking just to safe foods; I was challenging myself to eat regular meals and "fear foods" and still not purging. So, all in all I think I did a pretty good job. Now my task is to not let this setback become permanent; to pick myself up and start again.
Last night my heart was beating really irregularly and it really scared me. It reminded me that I have been doing this for way too long, and I cant' afford even one day of bingeing and purging. I tend to think that since i am at a healthy weight i don't have to worry about medical consequences of my behavior. Last night my heart was telling me otherwise. I so don't want to throw my life away over this!

I did get to talk to Emma yesterday. She made it to Bosnia safely and i was so relieved to hear her voice. I am thinking about her alot today and wondering how in the world I am going to make it through the next month!

Today is Annie's b-day. We had the big party last week so Emma wouldn't miss it; I think today we will just go have dinner at McDonalds and let her play on the playground there ot something.

I am having MAJOR body image issues. Due to not purging and challenging myself i have gained a little weight the last few weeks and am really struggling with it. It's really hard for me to "trust my body" because I feel like it always betrays me! I would love to be able to eat like a regular person, like my D and T say i can, but when I do, i just gain a bunch of weight! GRrr!

Well, not much else is going on here. Pretty borring stuff. Sorry i complained so much on this post. Sometimes it seems like recovery is so hard and i just need to vent.

cold feet

k, so tommorrow is my first appointment with the dietitian and i am having some serious misgivings, doubts, fears, ect. I know people can relate to this because alot of the things i have been thinking have been written in other blogs at various times over the last several months. Like the perrenial favorite "i'm too fat to see a dietitian". But here's the deal- when i got the referral for the D i was somewhat underweight and therefore thought i "deserved " the help- not that any of you who aren't underweight and see a D dont deserve it, i just hold myself to a different standard, screwed up, i know. So anyway, since then i havent been working out for various reasons, and i have been able to eat some regular meals without purging (yay), thus there has been some gain, how much i dont know, but i know i am not underweight anymore, which is a good thing, but it makes me feel crummy and worthless and undeserving of help. Phew!

On the flipside, i am still purging every day. And im not consistenly keeping meals down. So maybe there is some value to me seeing the D. And i also would like to know what my target weight is once and for all, cause i think that the target they put me up to at the univ of ia hospital ed program (aka evil hell) was way too high. And that's not just my ed talking, i'm basing that on the charts and graphs and stuff. I mean, it was in the normal range, but at the high end of normal; why would you do that to someone with an ed? Just to freak them out? So maybe the D could give me a more doable target and we could go from there.

I really should quit stressing out about all this and just keep an open mind. I'm sure there is stuff she can help me with, even if i dont need to gain weight. And i'm going to be honest and tell her every thought i just wrote about, so she can confirm or deny any truth in my thinking.

Mom is still in the hospital. I have gotten to go see her a few more times. She is doing well, but has abnormal chest tube drainage (yuck, i know) so she cant go home until that gets better.

Oh, and Emma is going to Bosnia with Zlatko for a month on june 6th. More on that heaping pile o'goodness later.

cancer

my mom is in surgery at this very moment. She is having a growth of melanoma removed form her chest cavity. most people think of melanoma as being a skin cancer, which it is, but my mom's is stage 4, which means it has gone inside the body and has infiltrated the lymph system and stuff. It still doesn't seem real to me. Like, 18 years ago she has a cancerous mole removed, and then everything was fine, until this last december, when she found a lump in her breast. At first they thought it was breast cancer, but a biopsy showed it was melanoma, and the only thing that the doctors can think is it spread from the mole that was removed 18 years ago. So anyway, they removed that lump, and she has been on interferon to help stop/slow down the growth of new cancer in her body, but since december this new one has grown in her chest despite the treatments. And it is in a bad place- near the spine and the aorta. So i hope they get it all.

She will be in the hospital 5-10 days. She is going to have two chest tubes and an epidural for the pain and a various other tubes and medical thingys. I am going to drive down to cedar rapids as much as i can over the next several days to see her. i am kind of stressed ou cause i still have my kids to take care of here- chris is working and has finals this week. And i had to reschedule my therapy and my first dietitian appt, but i am going to stilll go to my psychiatrist appt this week, cause i am running out of meds. I am doing ok, though. Still cant seem to get through a day w/o purging, but i am having some success with eating small portions of regular meals and keeping them down and not freaking out too bad. because of this my weight was up slightly when i weighed myself the other day, but i am trying to have a healthy attitude about it. i figure i might need a little extra padding right now, a little margin for error, because between my moms cancer and dealing with my evil ex and the upcoming move, i sense some stressful times up ahead. I dont want any stress- related weight loss to put me in the danger zone. Does that make any sense?

It's so beautiful now, and we are outside playing alot, and it's kind of weird, but sometimes i find myself getting angry at the sun. You know, because it gave my mom this cancer. Which i know is totally irrational. And not to mention stupid, since the sun gives every living thing on this planet life, every day. i guess i'm just feeling angry. And helpless.

post-Easter post

I hope everyone had a great easter! Mine was pretty decent. The girls were delighted with their
easter baskets in the morning, and in the afternoon we went to dinner at my aunt and uncle's house. i got to see my aunt N who was in town from oregon. We used to be really close, about the time i escaped from the ABBE, and she was the person who basically got me into treatment at Mirasol back in 2000, and coordinated the funding and just did everything she could to support me. Over the years we have grown apart, and when i joined the LDS church i think she was dissappionted and i think she thinks i dissapprove of her because of my membership in the church (she's a lesbian) but i dont. We just never have had a conversation about it. I got close yesterday, though. I asked if her partner was ever going to come visit cause i would like to meet her. I just wanted her to know that whatever my religous beliefs, i accepted her and the people who were important in her life. Maybe i just should have told her that.
I wrote awhile back about my moom having a reccurrance of melanoma in her lymph nodes, which was removed in january. She has been on interferon (which is what they generally use for melanoma instead of chemo) and it makes her pretty sick. Well, last week she had a scan which showed a new cancer growth in her shoulder which grew thhere just since her last scan in dec! And it's not treatable with radiation so she is seeing a surgeon today to see if it is operable.
I'm glad it's not in an organ or anything, but what if the next one is. i mean, the cancer has metasticised, so it could grow anywhere. I'm worried that she wont be here five years from now. I'm just trying to come to terms with this idea.
I made it *five* days without bingeing or purging, but went crazy on the easter candy this morning and broke my winning streak. Oh well. I'm not going to beat myself up about it, just try to pick right up and keep on going. And i'm still proud of myself for the 5 days, especially yesterday, with the big family dinner and all. I actually ate a "normal" amount of food and didn't purge! Go me!
Thanks for the + comments on my last post; i was really nervous after i wrote it. I worry about sharing stuff like that, and i wonder what people will think of me once it's "out". I feel better now. Maybe i will write more about some of my experiences when i get brave enough. Love you all!

Thought I Was Doing Really Good, But...

Things are all messed up. Last night I had a really fun trip to the ER with sypmtoms of some kind on heart problem. Turns out my potassium was low. But i have been doing pretty good with the purging, so the doctor thinks its all the excercise, which i admit has been a bit excessive. But here's the tricky part- my potassium was low, but he didnt want to give me an iv or any pills; instead he told he to go home and "eat potassium rich foods, like bannanas and potatoes". Ok, this is a problem for me, becuase i tend to purge just about every "food" i eat, which is why i drink the Boost, and I told the doc this, so he said " well, double the Boost. And no excercising.". So I was left to go home and freak out about how am I supposed to increase my intake while decreasing my excercise HEY DOC IF I COULD DO THAT I BET I WOULDN'T HAVE THIS STUPID EATING DISORDER! Well, i woke up today feeling stressed out and hella fat and bloated and so far have purged twice today which is pretty much the oposite of raising my pottasium. So i was happy that i had an appointment with Corey, but it ended up being one of those sessions that made me feel more deppressed and hopeless. And confused. Corey thinks I can still exercise, like walking and lifting weights. So I am tempted to go do it tommorrow. Just walking, nothing big. I have a follow up appointment with my doc on monday to get my potassium rechecked and maybe me will give me some potassium supplements. I have a feeling that i keep spelling potassium wrong. Anyways. It seems like once i get a handle on one pertt of my ed, another part gets out of control. I thought i was doing so good, not purging and everything, when the whole time i was also in denial about overexercising and restricting. So now i have to face that, While still trying to not binge or purge. It's just all too much sometimes. While i was talking about this stuff in Corey's office, i had this mental image of myself just going home and crawling into bed and pulling the covers up over my head and hiding from it all. Cause thats what i feel like doing. But i have to keep going, keep trying, hoping something works. I have to do it forr my girls. They are the light of my life and my inspiration. The other day, Emma and i were talking about things we were afraid of. she said that the thing she was most afraid of was me dying. That really has given me something to think about; to my girls, i am everything. If they lost me, their lives would be affected forever. I can't let that happen. So....I will cool it on the excercise. I will try to find a way to increase my intake without freaking out and purging. I will treat myself with love and respect, so i can be a good example to my girlies. Cause i sure wouldn't want either of them doing this to themselves. It would break my heart.

I <3 Emma

I took Emma, my 7 year old, out to lunch at McDonalds today, just for the heck of it. It was fun, just the sort of mother- daughter thing I imagined I would do once I had kids. I didn't tell her I was going to do it, just showed up at her school, so it was a suprise. It makes me feel kind of good that, at least today, Emma was the envy of her class. I even let her sit in the front seat ( Mcdonalds was only 3 blocks away) and I got her some High School Musical pencils!
I am trying to think of ways to connect to Emma. I feel like we are not as close as we used to be, especially since we moved to Iowa ans she started school. It seems like all the time i have with her, i spend it giving orders like, "brush your teeth... hurry up, the bus is coming... finish your dinner...share with your sister...youre being too loud..." ect. You get the picture. And this deppression doesnt help. Sometimes its all i can do to get through the day just functioning, and I dont have alot to give as a mom.
I found some pictures yesterday from when Emma was a baby that reminded me of better times, and it made me sad that she wont remember those times when she was a baby. These are the days that she will remember. Ok, maybe i am being a little hard on myself. I mean, i know i'm no "Mommie Dearest", but I could do better. I'm going to try to do some fun/bonding activity with Emma every week, just us two.
What the heck? It's raining like a mo'fo' outside, and thundering, too! I guess it has been awhile since i have heard the rain, actually, its kind of nice. Soothing, in a way. I,m wearing a robe over my clothes and 2 pairs of socks cause i cant seem to get warm today, even though i turned the heat up. I think when chris gets home i'm going to take a nice, relaxing soak in the tub. Sorry, i just started rambling about my borring life. Oh, i still havent binged or purged. I'm feeling very good about it. My next challenge is to get my intake up, cause i am kind of restricting, which is usually what i do when im not bingeing. It's that all-or-nothing thinking. But one step at a time.

decision

ok, so this one is alot aboout food. so if you think that this is going to bother you then dont read it. I just dont want to trigger or upset anyone. Ok, so here is the deal. i am pretty much purging everything i eat. Even so called safe foods like fat free chips or raw caulifluaer. Everytime i sit doun to a meal or snack i get this anxious and deeply weary feeling because i know what is going to happev next. I feel like noourishing myself is juust this minefielld and i dont feel safe and dont know which way to go. I am completely out of control and it scares me. I AM SO TIRED OF THROWING UP! I cant f-ing stand it. i have been trying the small meals tthroughout the day but that hasnt been working. It has just resulted in me purging more times thruoghout the day.
So here is the plan that i came up with last night. Supplements, and supplements only. No "food". I look at supplements in a different way then i look at food. I look at them kind of like as medicine. I have never thrown up a supplement. I think this could work for me. All i know is, i need a break from all the purging and the anxiety that is going on right now. The whole what to eat, what not to eat, is this safe, will i throw this up. Its driving me over the edge. Whith suplements there is nothing to decide, you drink one, youre done and you go on about your day. i dont know how long i will be on the supplements. My therapist suggested 2 weeks. obviously the idea is not to be on them forever. When i am feeling ready i will transittion back to regular food. Its just that right now my emotional state is so fragile and ED is doing such a number on me that i want to take back some of the control and feel a litle saner and calmer. I hope everyone can suppoort me in this step or at least see where im coming from but if you have concerns that is ok too. i know it must seem a little drastic. And who knows, maybe tommorrow ill break down and have a hamburger. you never know. this is just something id like to try, because right now i feel like im runnung out of options. Love and peace to all!

happy new year

ok, so i am having a really positive attitude, or am trying to have, but the behaviors are reallly slow in coming around. I did really well the llast day of december- no purging! yay me! But yesterday and today, after a promising start bolth days, i ended up hitting the toilet. and its been over stupid stuff, too. Like feeling too full aafter a salad or having just a few hersheyes kisses. and the real killer is that bolth times its been within anhour or ttwwo after taking my pristiq, which is the new antideppressent that i have been pinning all my hopes on. But how is it going to work if i keep throwing it up. I feel like such a failure and am getting really discougaged. i mean, i want to get better so so badly. I wish i had the money to hire a private duty psych nurse whose only job was to hang with me and keep me from throwing up. But like that is going to happen. i keep trying to stick to foods that are safe, as in thay wont make me feel threatened and i wont want to throw up. but lately a new layer has been added to my illness- the feeling of fullness makes ke want to purge. Even if it is just carrots or salad or something. So i feel like nourishing myself is practically impossible. I f anyonee has any suggestions, please post a comment here or on my facebook. sorry about all the food talk! i am just really feeling alone and hopeless. Oh, and things are not going well on the benzo front, either. I told the doc that the klonipin wasnt working well so he gave me a prescription for lorazepam. i went ahead and refilled the klonipin anyway, so now i have bolth. i am pretty much taking them around the clock and while my anxiety is doing better i know deep down this is not how i am supposed to be using them and this is what i used to do with the xanax that got me into trouble. I am already having blackouts and problems with my memory wich is a bad sign. i am afraid to tell anyone because i feel so fragile and dont want my meds to be taken away and still hope i can get to a point where i can manage them effecctively.
I other news, i am really looking forward to this weekend! Chris and i are going to the amana colonies this weekend- no kids. we have a 2 room zacuuzi suite at a bed and breakfest and are going out to eat at all the authentic german resteraunts and shopping at all the boutiques! i am so excited. Historicaly, my ed has been able to go on hiatus for special occasions so i hope this will be the case. And i am not takin ANY benzos with me- i see nothing but fun for this weekend with no need to block any of it out, and i want all mt memories intact! So im not even leaving them as an option. i am feeling really good about that. And, maybe a benzo free weekend eill help me get that whole situation under control. Well, wish me luck! Please leave comments so i know you were here, either here or on facebook. it means alot to me that someone would read this! Love you all!