Friday, June 26, 2009

fail

I just purged. I feel like a failure.

Will i ever recover?

I don't know.

Right now it feels like "no".

8 comments:

now.is.now said...

Lisa, wait a second before you call yourself a failure. Slow down.

You are not a failure and you didn't just fail. While, sure, we can all agree it would be the best-case-scenario if you never purged, you cannot say you failed. In fact, you succeeded in delaying purging. You wrote a blog first! So, you didn't end up completely avoiding it on your first day on this schedule? No big deal! It's okay. You gave it a good effort and that good effort will start to pay off more and more as long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other.

"If you're walking down the right path and you're willing to keep walking, eventually you'll make progress." - Obama


What makes the difference in recovery is not if you are able to stop purging. What really ends up mattering is how quickly you can get yourself back on track. So how do you get yourself back on track?

1) You can think about what's effective (calling yourself a failure is not effective. Even if you feel like one, don't make it worse by engaging in negative talk like that)

2) You can talk to people (like us and anyone else) about what happened and about what you need to do to be "on track." (Just a side note: "on track" does not equate becoming fat. Seriously.) Sometimes, when I'm totally not thinking clearly because I'm so upset by something I did with food, I am unable to pull myself out of it unless I talk to someone. Sometimes it is only through talking/writing that I can "think my way back to normal."

3) You can say helpful cognitive statements to yourself for the moment and for other times that you feel too full. I don't know what works for you, but some that have worked for me are:

"If I react by doing the same thing I always do (restricting), I am setting myself up to binge and purge. If I take a risk and react differently (by eating the next meal to the very best of my ability), I am more likely to feel good about food and free myself from obsession. If I take this risk and eat normally during the next meal, I DO NOT risk becoming fat."

"The only way to feel good about food again is to feel bad about it for a while."

"Doing what's effective might not feel good in the short term."

"Fullness does not equate fatness."

"This meal did not make me instantly fat."

"This fullness will go away and I don't have to be afraid of eating again because I will eat again. It's called dinner. I will expect to be hungry again after this fullness drains."

"I don't have to eat until I'm hungry. I am not 'doomed' to keep eating."

You probably know lots more.

Now, imagine this: Today you purged. Then you wrote this blog. Then you refused to stop calling yourself a failure. Then you were so down on yourself that you decided to feel guilty for everything you ate. Then you purged more.

But imagine this: Today you purged. Then you wrote this blog. Then you reached out to us or your husband and talked through it. Then you figured out what it is you need to do to get yourself back on track as quickly as possible. Perhaps you figured out that you need to go in your room and distract yourself with reading/talking/drawing/playing with your children, then you need to fall asleep, then you need to wake up and make sure you eat breakfast. Then when the time comes, you don't want to do any of that. But you make yourself do it because you know it's what's effective. But you REALLY REALLY don't want to do it. But you do it anyway. And, eventually, you don't mind that you went to bed. And, eventually, you don't mind that you eat breakfast. And, eventually, enough time has passed since the purging that you feel "on track" again."

Push through this.
You have not failed. THAT IS SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU REALIZE THAT!
Does ANYONE stop purging cold turkey? No! The behavior gets less and less frequent (with bouts of higher frequency). This is just how change happens.

((HUG)) I hope you had fun at Girl's Night!

lisalisa said...

thank you for the good and helpful advice, N.I.N.! I am happy to say that I have pulled myself back out of the slump and went out to eat with my sisters-in-law and ate *2* different fear foods in appropriate amounts and didn't obsess or freak out or purge. Now I am at home getting ready for bed and I'm feeling kind of full, but that is not the predominant feeling. Mostly I feel a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment that I was able to have some success. So, I did purge today, but I also challenged myself and was able to overcome. So I would no longer say that today was a failure and yes! recovery is still possible :)

Keely said...

I loved what now is now said. ;) Very well said. And fyi, I didn't stop cold turkey. I purged one day, started fresh the next. Celebrated the streaks of good work, and talked about the hard times where I took a step back. You did an AWESOME job today. You interved and wrote. And after purging, you went out and had dinner. You didn't let it control you for the rest of the night. That is what recovery is all about. Picking yourself up, making changes, learning, and moving forward. I love you. (hug)

now.is.now said...

YEAH WAY TO GO!!! WAY TO PICK YOURSELF UP AND GET BACK ON TRACK AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. I AM SO, SO, SO PROUD OF YOU! YOU ARE RIGHT - TODAY WAS NOT A FAILURE. not in the least. In fact, it was a huge success. A moment that you can look back on when you're struggling some time in the future. You can remember how you handled this situation and how it turned out for the better because of your courage and your positive thoughts. Go you!

Zena said...

you are not a failure!!!, not much to add N.I.N said it all better then I could...we are in the same boat and today is a new day...(((HUGS))), I believe in you...and you should too!!

Love, Z

Lisa said...

NOT a failure. And you will definitely recover. Every new day is a second chance and I know you can make good use of it.

PTC said...

You are not a failure. You had a nice lunch and you were already freaked out by the whole food thing. I wish you didn't throw up, but you're working on it. Just want you to be healthy and beat this thing.

Ending the Deception said...

You will recover. Your feelings right now are okay. *hugs*