Saturday, June 13, 2009

the past is history

today is my husband's birthday so i will just write a short post, as I am busy making pies and salads and things for his birthday bbq tomorrow, and whatever leftover attention i have i must devote to him :) !

Yesterday we went down to CR for my sister's birthday. I grew up in CR, in the same house that my mom still lives in, and sometimes it is hard for me to go back there. I have alot of bad memories and things from the past that get stirred up when i go home. It can be very difficult and painful. I spent the entire drive back ruminating on my past screw-ups, assorted bad decisions, and other stupid things i have done in my life. This just made me depressed and heartsick, and by the time I got home I was fully mired in the belief that i am a bad person, would always be bad, and nothing i could do now or ever would change that. Fortunately then it was medication and bedtime, so i didn't have to think about it anymore.
i would like to say that a new day has brought fresh perspective, but this is not the case. I still feel like a big pile o' crap. And, of course, I try to "fix"those feelings by eating disorder behavior. Which works for about 5 minutes, then ends up making me feel worse.

Arrgh! Sorry, I'm not trying to be so negative. And I do have hope that someday, things will be different. Every day, I'm doing my best to be a good, no GREAT mother and wife and daughter and sister ect. So someday on the hopefullly near future, i will look back and see only good, and be defined by it. That is my hope, anyway.

Have a great day, everyone :) !

2 comments: said...

Did you have fun cooking for your husband's b-day BBQ?

I'm sorry you've been feeling so badly about yourself, but you are not a bad person. At all. You're a wonderful, caring person. Don't engage in those negative thoughts about yourself. If they come, just push them away. They're not productive in any way.


And, p.s.: don't apologize for a "negative" post. I don't think you're a negative person. Plus, it's your blog! You can write whatever you want!

Zena said...

Happy Birthday to your NOW IS NOW suggested try thought dropping like acknowlwdge you have the thought accept then drop it from your mind..If that doest work try radical acceptance. Ie, you cant change the past but you can take charge of your future...accept teh past for what it is dont judge it it cant change and it is what has molded you into one of the most careing, loving and inspiring people I have ever met..

much love to you