today is my husband's birthday so i will just write a short post, as I am busy making pies and salads and things for his birthday bbq tomorrow, and whatever leftover attention i have i must devote to him :) !
Yesterday we went down to CR for my sister's birthday. I grew up in CR, in the same house that my mom still lives in, and sometimes it is hard for me to go back there. I have alot of bad memories and things from the past that get stirred up when i go home. It can be very difficult and painful. I spent the entire drive back ruminating on my past screw-ups, assorted bad decisions, and other stupid things i have done in my life. This just made me depressed and heartsick, and by the time I got home I was fully mired in the belief that i am a bad person, would always be bad, and nothing i could do now or ever would change that. Fortunately then it was medication and bedtime, so i didn't have to think about it anymore.
i would like to say that a new day has brought fresh perspective, but this is not the case. I still feel like a big pile o' crap. And, of course, I try to "fix"those feelings by eating disorder behavior. Which works for about 5 minutes, then ends up making me feel worse.
Arrgh! Sorry, I'm not trying to be so negative. And I do have hope that someday, things will be different. Every day, I'm doing my best to be a good, no GREAT mother and wife and daughter and sister ect. So someday on the hopefullly near future, i will look back and see only good, and be defined by it. That is my hope, anyway.
Have a great day, everyone :) !
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago