Thursday, June 25, 2009

getting back on track

Ok there is going to be alot of food-related content in this post- I just wanted to warn anyone who might be triggered by it.

So I saw my D today and we talked about how I had gained some weight and at first I felt really positive about it, but now i have gained more and am not feeling so great. And i am dealing with that anxiety by bingeing and purging alot. I really need to get back on track and turn this (the gain) back into a positive and not fall back into restricting or more bingeing and purging. So we made some new plans/goals.
1. New meal plan- bars or shakes for for breakfast and lunch, balanced meal with my family for dinner. The bars and shakes are so I can get maximum structure for the meals I am "on my own" with, and get the nutrition i need without feeling triggrerd to purge. I was tempted to go to bars/shakes completely, but my D thinks it's important for me to keep having meals with my family, and deep down i think she is right.
2. I will drink low sodium v8 if I do purge, for the potassium. My D wants to be sure i don't have a drop in potassium, especially in the hot weather.
3. i am going to weigh in with my D instead of at the Y. I'm not always at the Y at the same time of the day, so it's hard to get accurate weights. I see my D in the morning, so i can get a good weight and process it with her if i am having a hard time.
I also saw my T today and we talked about some behavioral things i can do to get back on track. Mornings are my worst time; i am generally filled with anxiety. i think I binge and purge at this time as a way to kind of put off starting the day, because i don't know what to do with myself. I have always been this way. Before I had kids I typically stayed in my pajamas and watched mindless tv until the early afternoon.
We decided I should make myself a schedule for the mornings so i can have some structure. I will get up by 8:00, have breakfast, shower by 8:30, be dressed and have makeup on by 9. Hopefully the structure will help me feel less "'lost". Atfer all, that is one thing I like about being inpatient- having a set schedule and being able to anticipate when things are going to happen. It makes me feel "safe".
Oh, and i forgot to mention that I will renew my effort to drink more water and less soda. I think this is reallly important because it is sooo hot here and i dehydrate easily. And I will save money too!
Well, this is the plan, starting tomorrow. Wish me luck. I really just want to keep moving forward, and not backward. I hope these changes can help me do that.


Kara said...

Good luck! I think it's great that you are only going to weigh in at the D's. Good for you. said...

I think this is awesome! Keep this plan and structure a priority. And if you don't follow it one day, don't beat yourself up, just hop back on and follow it at the next available moment. You've got this! The only way out is through; the only way out is through; the only way out is through. You are a strong, kind woman who is an amazing mom and you will develop into your best person by sticking with this. I saw a quote today that you might like. It said, "Slow down; calm down; don't worry; don't hurry; trust the process."

Zena said...

I know you can do this, I see your passion for Recovery, I think the wieghins at the D's office is a great idea. I know this is going to be hard but you can totally do this...keep moving foward one step at a time!!

Love, Z

Keely said...

I think that sounds like a great plan! :) (hug) I love you. You can do this!

PTC said...

Keep pushing forward. If you find water to be boring, stick some mint leaves and cucumber in it. It's SOOO refreshing. Maybe that will help with your water consumption.