Ok there is going to be alot of food-related content in this post- I just wanted to warn anyone who might be triggered by it.
So I saw my D today and we talked about how I had gained some weight and at first I felt really positive about it, but now i have gained more and am not feeling so great. And i am dealing with that anxiety by bingeing and purging alot. I really need to get back on track and turn this (the gain) back into a positive and not fall back into restricting or more bingeing and purging. So we made some new plans/goals.
1. New meal plan- bars or shakes for for breakfast and lunch, balanced meal with my family for dinner. The bars and shakes are so I can get maximum structure for the meals I am "on my own" with, and get the nutrition i need without feeling triggrerd to purge. I was tempted to go to bars/shakes completely, but my D thinks it's important for me to keep having meals with my family, and deep down i think she is right.
2. I will drink low sodium v8 if I do purge, for the potassium. My D wants to be sure i don't have a drop in potassium, especially in the hot weather.
3. i am going to weigh in with my D instead of at the Y. I'm not always at the Y at the same time of the day, so it's hard to get accurate weights. I see my D in the morning, so i can get a good weight and process it with her if i am having a hard time.
I also saw my T today and we talked about some behavioral things i can do to get back on track. Mornings are my worst time; i am generally filled with anxiety. i think I binge and purge at this time as a way to kind of put off starting the day, because i don't know what to do with myself. I have always been this way. Before I had kids I typically stayed in my pajamas and watched mindless tv until the early afternoon.
We decided I should make myself a schedule for the mornings so i can have some structure. I will get up by 8:00, have breakfast, shower by 8:30, be dressed and have makeup on by 9. Hopefully the structure will help me feel less "'lost". Atfer all, that is one thing I like about being inpatient- having a set schedule and being able to anticipate when things are going to happen. It makes me feel "safe".
Oh, and i forgot to mention that I will renew my effort to drink more water and less soda. I think this is reallly important because it is sooo hot here and i dehydrate easily. And I will save money too!
Well, this is the plan, starting tomorrow. Wish me luck. I really just want to keep moving forward, and not backward. I hope these changes can help me do that.
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago