People react to stress, pain in all kinds of ways. Some people call on friends and family for support. Some lean on their faith. Some self- destruct. I seek oblivion.
I just went on a walk, durring which I had a long conversation with myself about whether or not i would call my psychdoc tomorrow and request some ECT treatments. Not that I am any more deppressed then normal. I am just in pain. I hate my body. I'm afraid to get up in the morning and face the day. I miss Emma so much it takes my breath away. Everything hurts right now. The ECT wuold take it all away; the pain the fear, the self-hatred, the ache, all wiped away in one electric moment.
I want to feel the sting of the iv as it goes in, the burn of the injection, the chemical whiff of the medication as it puts me to sleep. I want to wake up with no idea where i am. Someone can drive me home, and I can sit on the couch all day and think of nothing. It's so tempting.
I'm not going to call.
6 months ago