Monday, June 8, 2009


People react to stress, pain in all kinds of ways. Some people call on friends and family for support. Some lean on their faith. Some self- destruct. I seek oblivion.

I just went on a walk, durring which I had a long conversation with myself about whether or not i would call my psychdoc tomorrow and request some ECT treatments. Not that I am any more deppressed then normal. I am just in pain. I hate my body. I'm afraid to get up in the morning and face the day. I miss Emma so much it takes my breath away. Everything hurts right now. The ECT wuold take it all away; the pain the fear, the self-hatred, the ache, all wiped away in one electric moment.
I want to feel the sting of the iv as it goes in, the burn of the injection, the chemical whiff of the medication as it puts me to sleep. I want to wake up with no idea where i am. Someone can drive me home, and I can sit on the couch all day and think of nothing. It's so tempting.

I'm not going to call.


Keely said...

It's so hard to get up and face those crappy days. I'm proud of you for not calling. You can do this. And you will be stronger the next time for practicing and facing it now. I hope that made sense. I love you. (hug) said...

I wish I could be there with you to help you through these painful days. I don't really know what ECT is but, based on what you say, it sounds like it's an opportunity for progress for you to be able to get through a day without using ECT. What do you think you need most right now? Relaxation alone? Relaxation with others? Intellectual stimulation? A nap? A good laugh? Be nice to yourself and do your best to satisfy your needs. Your needs matter! <3