Monday, June 8, 2009

A borring post

Remember my "21 day challenge"? You know, how i wasn't going to binge or purge for 21 days? Well, I only made it 12 days. But I am going to take the advice that my friend Kara so wisely gave me when i started the challenge and i'm not going to beat myself up for not making it. I'm dissappionted, but i would still consider the experience a success. I mean, 12 days is a long time for me! That's almost 2 weeks! And. I think it's even more of a success because I wasn't restricting or sticking just to safe foods; I was challenging myself to eat regular meals and "fear foods" and still not purging. So, all in all I think I did a pretty good job. Now my task is to not let this setback become permanent; to pick myself up and start again.
Last night my heart was beating really irregularly and it really scared me. It reminded me that I have been doing this for way too long, and I cant' afford even one day of bingeing and purging. I tend to think that since i am at a healthy weight i don't have to worry about medical consequences of my behavior. Last night my heart was telling me otherwise. I so don't want to throw my life away over this!

I did get to talk to Emma yesterday. She made it to Bosnia safely and i was so relieved to hear her voice. I am thinking about her alot today and wondering how in the world I am going to make it through the next month!

Today is Annie's b-day. We had the big party last week so Emma wouldn't miss it; I think today we will just go have dinner at McDonalds and let her play on the playground there ot something.

I am having MAJOR body image issues. Due to not purging and challenging myself i have gained a little weight the last few weeks and am really struggling with it. It's really hard for me to "trust my body" because I feel like it always betrays me! I would love to be able to eat like a regular person, like my D and T say i can, but when I do, i just gain a bunch of weight! GRrr!

Well, not much else is going on here. Pretty borring stuff. Sorry i complained so much on this post. Sometimes it seems like recovery is so hard and i just need to vent.


Lisa said...

Nope, not boring.

Twelve days is absolutely nothing to sneeze at, especially given all the challenges you gave yourself. And today is Day #1 for your next goal.

I'm glad you got to talk to Emma - that must have been a huge relief.

Kara said...

Not boring and glad you vented. Everyone needs to vent sometimes and it actually helps me because I see that other people are thinking and struggling with the same things I am.

12 days is AWESOME! I really hope you can let it be that you did 12 days and be grateful and proud of that.

I know that you miss Emma. Maybe you can use some of this extra time that you have being nice to yourself and doing good things for yourself.